Huckster Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 OK, here's my situation. Started a (sort of) relationship with a much younger woman (she's 24, I'm 45) whilst she was still in a relationship (6 years BUT she had been trying to get out of it AND most of her friends and family agreed that it had been pver for some time and that it was nto a healthy relationship). Anyway, long story short, we got very close and she did leave him (I think) but only for a short time. After about 6 weeks of leaving, and us not being together all the time, she saoid she still had feelings and was confused and told me to forget about her and move on with my life. HOWEVER, she has instigated contact via Facebook twice since then. OK, I know not to read too much into this BUT each message was way too long for what she needed to say (asking if I was OK and explaining stuff 'off topic' as to why she was asking me for certain details - i.e. explaining that she no longer had her phone, but that she had her Dad's now and would I text my number to her OR asking me about a possible event when she knows far more people in the area that would know about it than I do, as well as having Google available (I googled the event and found out about it) or the local paper). Basically, I have not instigated any contact for 4 weeks - each time she has moved first - but I am really confused about the situation. Everyone is probably going to say NC!! Move On!! Forget Her!! but I am looking for possible insights into what may be going on in her mind (female perspective perhaps?!). I have very strong feelings for her AND she admittied the same until she asked for SPACE!! I am wondering if she is confused due to the split ffrom her EX and the removal of a life of familiarity (6 years is a lot to leave behind). Are my NC actions just shifting power to me, and she is uncomfortable with it? Is she looking to keep her options open? She is not the type of person to come begging, so any advice to wait for her to come 'crawling back' would be counter-productive. Hope Enotalone members will impart their opinions/advice And YES, I would consider engaging in a new relationship with her BUT with bounderies. Thanks Link to comment
Danny77 Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I think there is a point where taking the power back via NC becomes a problem. There is a point where the victim suddenly cuts off as they feel that it must be over. She may have felt that you are a good "get out guy" for her relationship but when she finally did it she realized that she did it on her own steam and doesnt want to be with anyone right now. When people break up they seldom go begging for another person. Unless they've been dumped lol! I say move on but leave the door open. Let her know that you're around but living your life also. ps. one should never know whats going on in others heads. As quite often we don't even know ourselves. Keep cool, and see what plays out. You cannot change anything. It's is up to her if she moves towards you - then - it is up to YOU if you want to be with her. Don't forget that. This is not all about her. There's you too. Link to comment
Huckster Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 I may not have explained it too clearly. She said she still had feelings for her ex and I understand that she does still see him. I didn't ever beg her to reconsider, merely asked, and I didn't break down in front of her, either. Yes, I did maintain contact for the first 4 weeks, as did she (to a degree). I am hoping (yes, probably not wise) that her recent messages are her way of sounding things out (as she would not come right out and say she was wrong). I thank you for your opinion. Link to comment
mcholmes2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 People stay in relationships with people that are bad for them because that person gives them something that they need. Especially women, we're emotional creatures. It's hard for a man to understand that, you guys are practical. She's obviously getting something she needs from him, even if it's not making her happy. What you should be focusing on is what YOU need to make your life happier--without her. While you're on the outside looking into her world, you aren't getting busy with changing your life, so you'll have less time to be concerned about what she's doing. It shouldn't be hard to look after yourself, to care about your own well-being. If it is, maybe you don't love and take care of yourself enough. Try doing those things you never did before but were curious. Volunteer, help somebody out, go to a street fair, a museum, a concert. Do you.... Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Hey Huckster. Bear with me here as I go on a tangent different from the common reactionary wisdom. One of the important components of a successful relationship is that of individuality, autonomy... sense of self. She has spent her entire adult life attached to, and defined by, a relationship. Taking that a step to the other direction, it appears from your other post that you came out of a 16 year relationship this past November. Consider that there's a big difference between 'being over' the former relationship and becoming whole as an individual again. There may be a clue in that with the fact that you consciously pursued someone who, in fact, was not/is not emotionally available. Attraction is not enough. Link to comment
Huckster Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Mmmm, Tired Tiger. A valid point! BUT, are these messages HER keeping s 'foot in the door'so to speak? I get the feeling that she is playing games. Her ex (or whatever it is) had already told her that he wouldn't change and she had recognised that she was going nowhere in the relationship. I know that, at my age, I probably should know better, but I guess I don't LOL Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 She has an understandable attachment to the 6 year relationship, and the associated insecurities with finding herself without it (or the difficulties in detaching). More than the idea that she's consciously "playing games", she simply doesn't have the experience or skill set to know what to do with it all. She doesn't know who she is outside a relationship, and keeping you in the wings provides a safety net (though she probably doesn't recognize she's doing this as some sort of 'game'). I guess the simple question to ask yourself is if you want to be the rebound guy? If not, let her go and sort herself out. You may want to look around for another poster here, "Live-N-Learn". He's been down this very path... Link to comment
Huckster Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Thanks TT I'll look for Live-N-Learn Rebound!!?? Kinda feel like that! I know that he has messed with her head (one of her friends told me). Hard to believe that I fell so hard for someone so young. What a prat!! LOL Cheers ;-) Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 You may want to look around for another poster here, "Live-N-Learn". He's been down this very path... OK, help me here with a name ... there's another guy here who dates back to the dark ages of 2009 whose girlfriend moved out of his house during the day while he was at work! He kissed her in the morning, and she had completely disappeared by the time he came home that evening! Anyway, I always liked that guy, and I thought his story was especially tragic. But there's a flip side. He was a lot older than she, by at least 15 years (like 19 versus 34 or something like that). I, for one, would be embarrassed to be pining over someone who is, after all, essentially an immature kid. Howeva, don't get me wrong. I'm all for tapping young chicks (er, as long as they're consenting adults). But getting emotionally attached in a situation like that is a big mistake, because it's probably not gonna go anywhere. Take that kinda action for what it probably is (a good time), not for what it probably isn't (the real deal). Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 OK, help me here with a name ... Hobbes? Yeah, he really slipped on that banana peel. Good guy, though. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Hobbes? Yeah, he really slipped on that banana peel. Good guy, though. Yeah, that's him. I love that dude -- just seems like a really cool guy -- but he set himself up for disaster with that teen-ager. Link to comment
Huckster Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 I know that feeling well!! Link to comment
Huckster Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 One thing I didn't mention is that the ex/guy she's with is 40, and she admits she prefers older men!! Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 One thing I didn't mention is that the ex/guy she's with is 40, and she admits she prefers older men!! OK, that counts for something, I shall admit, but you gotta proceed with caution in a situation like that. Link to comment
Huckster Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 I concurr Brownstone322 Really hard, as a part of me feels (totally) that there is unfinished business between us (don't ask me to explain that - just a real gut feeling) BUT the level of trust has been decimated. Mmmm, I'll stay NC and if she initiates contact I will be polite. Cheers guys Link to comment
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