Babetty Boop's musings

[blueberrynight]

Babetty boop is a nice person. Yes she is fat , ugly, bald, has been depressed for most of her known life, but she is not too bad. You know you can hang around with her for an hour or two after which either she will get bored or sleepy and leave your gracious company. Ya Babetty Boop is secretly scared of getting close to people. after being with them for a while she shows withdrawal symptoms.

 

Anyways, thats the way she is is. nothing can be done about that and I am not here to brood about her state of personality.

What I want to draw your attention to is the set of recent events that made Babetty boop, who usually resides in rock bottom, dig 20 more feet and go and stay there.

 

You see two years back, Babetty had a good job, some sense of basic discipline like getting up on time to reach office, taking showers everyday and managing to have a basic conversation with people.

 

now, getting out of bed is an impossibility. She spends most of her time sitting on the couch, eating junk, watching movies(due to unavailability of any other lazy entertainment or rather means of emotional survival), drinks huge amounts coca cola (4 litres a day) and sulking. she is a total wreck, cries all the time. has no friends, doesn't want to make any and no body wants to talk to her anyway. she also doesnt go out because she has nothing to wear. she has grown fatter and her old clothes dont fit. Of course she has no money to buy new ones. whatever little money she has she spends on Take away foods. She really needs to cook and eat something healthy.

 

On top of that she has a huge debt over her head , which she amassed in the last two years. 13000 Euros, can you believe it!! And she cant get a job until she finishes her project. she is not even looking for jobs. all she is doing is sitting and sulking, and without moving her fat body around. And I did I tell her becoz of all this junk and the Junkie lifestyle , her skin is now a zoo of variety of pimples and she looks super ugly and tired all the time.

 

 

She has a research project work the report of which she has to sub,it in a month. she was given 3 months for it and she wasted away the other two. As usual she is depressed and sulks about that.

 

 

 

OMG!!! babetty Boop hates her self. {sulk}

 

OK , now its time to change. One baby step at a time. Change the miserable life she has had all her 28 years. One baby step at a time.

 

 

 

Today's plan : Day 1

 

1. drink 2 litres of water and No other liquids

2. get up and walk for 30 mins

3. study for 2 continuous hours, at least try.

4. inquire about some job postings.

5. try to be happy for 5 mins.

6. not watch any movies or play video games.

[blueberrynight]

Babetty tried so hard the first day, but she failed miserably. Then the anxiety and depression took over. the result was more junk food, high expense and feeling even worse about herself. this continued for three more days, until today. Today she actually got out of the bed and summoned all her energy to go out. She met the university admission coordinator for admission into next semester. Thankfully the education in this University is free. Hope she will get the admission, its hard to say because she has already missed the deadline.

let me change the She to I . Its easier this way coz, as is already understood I am babetty boop

 

I have a meeting tomorrow again with the admission comitee , and even if I dont get admission this semester I am glad i am able to arrage these meeting and try for something. This is such a forgotten thing in my life. I have suffered from social anxiety so long that its hard to talk to anyone now, apart from family.

 

By the way i also went for awalk today. I actually walked for two whole hours!!! I cant believe I did that. it is such a milestone for me. I am very happy about how the day went. I took some small steps but I am sure if I build up on them its gonna make a difference.

[blueberrynight]

another day passsed by without much accomplishment. I was gripped by a severe anxiety attack throughout the day. I wanted to do some work but i couldnt do anything. i spend the morning running errands(which is better than before; before all i used to do is crouch on the sofa and get anxious about everything in the world.). I was supposed to meet the admission coordinator tomorrow, but he bailed out on me. he wasnt in his office and I waited for an hour. then I left to finish some chores. i came home in the afternnon. i have a lot of studying to do for my project since I only have few days left, but I couldn't. I came home, and finished off a big box of ice cream, a big chocolate bar and a big bag of chips. I am so ashamed of myself.

[blueberrynight]

i was reading some articles in this website called link removed.i like the way he writes although I don't always agree with him. in a particular post he mentions a cheat sheet about how to change a habit. I don't agree with his idea of changing just one habit at at a time, because i think making a change covers a huge variety of factors and unless they are all changed you cant really change something successfully. But nothing else in my life is working anyways, so I am going to give it a shot. I desperately need a Guru, and i am going to follow this guy without any questions.

 

Zenhabits suggests that one should practice changing the habits for 30 days continuously with full commitment and accountability. I am going to give a try to the following habit :

 

-- drink 3 liters of water each day-- 16 july to 15 august.

 

wish me luck. take care you all

[blueberrynight]

"She was sold into slavery.

Condemned to a life

of drudgery and despair...

...in a strange land far from home.

 

See the chains?

They represent the heavy bondage

of her poor trapped soul...

 

 

...from which there is no escape.

 

And so she weeps.

 

She weeps for the lively,

vivacious girl she once was

...the lonely woman she has become...

 

...and most of all, she weeps

for the love she'll never feel...

 

...for the love she'll never give."

 

 

Whenever I think of me and you I think of this.

[blueberrynight]

Well, I checked my weight today morning and I was overjoyed to see I have lost almost 3lbs from the day I started the journal.

 

Anyway , plan for today is this. I will update pictures of my diet and my review of the day later .

 

To do :

1. Dink 3 litres of pure water

2. No sweets

3. 30 sit ups.

4. 10 minutes of weight training

5. Learn a new thing and a new English word

6. No eating out

7. No Caffeien

8. work on my project for 7 hours.

9. Eat one portion of fruits

[blueberrynight]

I wanted to come back here and write everyday, but I was scared ..scared that people will judge me and label me Pathetic, coz i failed again. everyday , last few days. But i gathered courage and am writing here today because even if some of you judge me there will be lot many others who will understand and support. And more so because I am writing this journal for myself and not for anyone else.

i plan to start again today..towards a better life. I talked to all my classmates today and almost all of them have finished their projects, I am the only one left. I am so scared that i wont be able to finish on time or even worse, I wouldnt have time to write a decent report as I don't have a lot of time left for revisions.

Anyway, I am gonna do my best today and take it one day at a time.

[blueberrynight]

back after whats seems like ages. i fell off the wagon ..was in a bad place for weeks. depressed enough that i didnt get up from the bed for days. last couple of days were better but today life is hitting hard again. i am trying to keep a straight face up. i have a project report that i have to finish by tomorrow night and i am just starting now. i will keep reporting here to have some accountability.

 

Plus goals for today:

 

1. drink 2.5 litres of water.

2. walk 2 kilometres.

3. not eat any junk food.

[blueberrynight]

7:22 - Work started, reading A1