Religious upbringing?

[Kuwabara]

Hi there, I will keep it short and sweet. Basically I met a girl from work, who, after she left, I began seeing outside of work and eventually started dating. Nice girl, great personality, smart blah blah. She also just so happens to be the daughter of a Vicar who runs a large church. They're a nice family, not proselytising or bigoted and so on. But they are dedicated to their belief (as one would expect from a Vicar's family). And so is this girl. She's hardly an angel and isn't the pure "everyone outside my religion is a heathen" type, but she still has that deep bloodline-esque affinity with it.

 

Now, I'm not religious (at all). I can't pretend, and I won't patronize her by pretending. She understands this and seems to be ok with it, but her family is worried I'm going to pull her away from her faith. She also mentioned that when she has kids she doesn't want anything to stop her or the kids going to church, even if her partner wasn't going.

 

I'm against this. I don't want my children indoctrinated. I'm pretty reasonable and respectful, so if they choose when they're old enough to reason, then they are free to do as they please. But frankly, I want my children to be given a fair chance to discuss and think for themselves without being sucked straight into what I've discovered to be a pretty narrow minded, close circle of religious family members.

 

I mention my concern because we do love each other, and we get on great, so you never know what might happen in future. (marriage/kids etc etc).

 

I told her how I felt (just now, this was all done by text as she's at work), but I have yet to receive a response. I'm not being unreasonable am I? I mean, they'd be my kids too. Surely my concern is justified? Or should I just bow down to her and her family's wishes for children of that family to be religious as standard?

 

Thanks for any advice!

[RedDress]

I don't think you should bow down to her... but if this is a big deal to you, I think you should probably find a different girl. Even if she kind of accepts this now (why are you talking about this now? Planning on having kids soon?) - she will be unhappy when/if the time comes. Her parents will give her grief. She will secretly agree with them. She will feel weird attending church but not having her church family even knowing her children... Her parents are kind of right. You are going to (unintentionally) pull her from her faith.

 

I think it's very, very strange btw that you would have such a massive, relationship-altering conversation via text. Some conversations are meant to be had face to face. I really think this is one of them...

[sidehop]

I could see that causing problems; especially when we're talking parenting and children you just can't be one sided. The imbalance and disagreement when it comes to parenting is a very tough one. Unless you guys can come to an agreement of some sort and understanding that you both have to compromise on these types of issue then you're probably better off finding someone that have similar belief system; not just religious but life in general.

[Kuwabara]

Thanks for the answers. I was afraid of it getting in the way. We will definitely speak about this in person, and we're quite personal with each other so we find it easy to talk about anything and everything, so that's why it was just a text thing. But yeah, I guess we will see what happens. I really hope she can change her outlook, but I am scared it's going to get in the way or create a divide between her family and I. *sigh*

[sidehop]

Even if she can compromise like you said the family pressure alone can really change that. One can imagine if she's a daughter of such big church.

[Seraphim]

This is something I would never have introduced by text when someone is at work, that is not a good way to introduce important discussions and it is not respectful of the fact that someone is at work.

 

On the major issue I have seen this work. My in laws have been married 53 years and my mother in law is religious and my father in law is not. The way they did it was they decided everything before they got married. They decided she would raise the kids with religion and he would have a very limited involvement, ie he would go to baptism and such, but other than that he was not participating. She does not bother him about religion and he does not bother her about religion and they have been totally harmonious about it. So it CAN work, but you have to decide ahead of time and actually really respect each other.

[Kuwabara]

Oh no, Victoria, I mean it wasn't a deep and emotional conversation/argument about it. She just mentioned, via text, her parents feeling like I'd pull her away from religion etc, and it just casually went from there. We are being cool and level headed about it, and it won't come between us I believe. But you're right we will have to decide beforehand, no doubt, and go from there. But admittedly I'm just not happy with the children being sucked into religious views, however at the end of it we just agreed to respect each others methods/motives.

 

I appreciate the assistance!

[Seraphim]

Just know it is possible between people of opposing views.