Day 30 of NC...what I have learned thus far lol

[hausser]

Ok I cheated, it's day 29, but gotta have a break now and again!

 

Thanks to mtom, in particular for hearing me out lol. You can interchange the word "call" with SMS.

 

Right, here's what I've found...

 

Week 1 was easy - still expecting a call soon and bitter and angry.

2 + 3 were horrible, particulary 2 very early broke NC. Realised the call wasn't coming anytime soon. Unblocked her from FB and heard nothing, strengthened my resolve.

Week 4 - Had some wobbles though any acute feelings of loss have gone. Mainly to do with social cicumstances now.

 

Intrinsically, my desire to analyse the breakup has disappeared almost completely, I only ever do it when I'm drunk. I recognise it as not important and just see the fact she's not here as proof that she doesn't want to be, which it is.

 

I only ever "miss her" when I am bored in my apartment. When I am out, occupied I get fleeting thoughts but tbh I am getting seriously interested in other women now and would gladly date again. The vast majority of my negative feelings come from my job/financial and social situations, which are dire. When I get temporary respite from them, I can honestly say I am almost apathetic about her. Take her or leave her.

 

She put me in some serious strife when she walked out and I think there will always be a corner of my subconscious that will be wary of her.

 

I recognise that recon chance is slim, however I DO still hold out a glimmer of hope for it. I know now that if it's going to come, it's wayyyyyy off yet though.

 

I see now reasons why I wasn't such the great catch after all, and am working on them furiously.

 

So far NC has been like a peverse journey of self discovery lol, I've rediscovered a resiliance which I thought i'd lost years ago. I also realise how vunerable my single position had been, essentially she was a material crutch as much as anything, when at the age of 28 I should be completely independent of her or anyone else.

 

As some of you may be aware I am toying with the idea of moving abroad, and as such was thinking of breaking NC to let her know. Whilst doing this I looked at photos of her on her friends FB page and felt very little emotionally towards her. That would not have been possible three weeks ago. In fact, seeing her now in the person would be downright awkward, I don't know if i'd even want to.

 

I received my phonebill today. Three weeks ago I would have been scouring it checking when she last call, when I last text etc. analysing basically. Today I did nothing. Actually I tell a lie, I did keep one section with her number just in case but I can assure you I have no intention of ever ringing it.

 

Having known her for 4 years, my gut feeling is that if she's not with someone else by now then she's probably pretty curious about me as it was esseantially a mutual break up though I have no doubt she is enjoying single life back at her parents house way way more than I can tempt her back with. In the future, who knows but I am not waiting around, if the opportunity comes to date again I am.

[hausser]

Yawn. This forum is starting to get predictable now.

[tresqua]

it was esseantially a mutual break up

 

It doesn't sound like it was a mutual break up to me.

 

If you have convinced yourself it is, to save some pride and self esteem, you're paying a larger price, and that's the inability to take a good hard look in the mirror and own your share of the blame in all of this, and that will haunt you going forward in every other relationship you ever have until and unless you deal with your demons. It's not just all about "going no contact and finding all the reasons she wasn't such a great catch". It's much, much more.

[hausser]

Fair point though I like to remain a tad more positive. I'm not going to beat myself up even more than I already have all the soul searching can be done in stages, at the end of the day I am feeling better than day one week one.

 

We mutually broke up initially, then I started missing her became clingy and drove her away. I was the one who told her to leave initally.

She then refused to come back though I never begged. She didnt ~"dump" me out of the blue it had been coming a while, from both of us. Our sex life had dried up months earlier.

 

I see your point re accepting the blame, however there are only so may demons one partner has, before the other (ex) has to take a portion of the blame. I appreciate the feedback though, I have tsken it onboard.