feels like my world is crumbling .why

[sweetnsourcyd]

so this is my first time on this site but i desperatley need to talk about what im going thru . i feel like such a horrible excuse for a woman . let me fill you in.

 

i met my now ex about a year ago . the realtionship was very rocky from the get go . he drank way to much for my liking and got angry and mean after one too many . i dealt with it and babysat alot hoping he would jump out of this phase and be ready to start alegit life with me like he always talked about. he constantly told me how much he loved me and cared for me and how i was the love of his life , etc etc. he did make me feel special and loved and when he held me at night i melted. but i always felt the drinking was an issue and he had a crappy family life and army life and he was just so angry at the world. he made me feel like i was the only thing that mattered to him. so i just ignored the obvious. ignored my friends concerns about it too. we have had fights when he was drunk and he was ugly , his excuse was always i blacked out i dont remember what was said.

 

so around march we decided to move out of state to start a new life. we moved to a city where my family lived and immediately had so many dilemas. first he drank constantly at my sisters house where we were staying and acted like a fool. it bothered me so much that i would cry alot. and eventually it led to him being kicked out by my brother .i went with him because i thought it would be better if we were in our own space. well come to find out our roomies were druggies , stole his bike , and his job he landed here fired him for no reason.

 

he did get another job and we found apartment but the nite before our move in he went m.i.a at the local bars and i lost it . see he was very rude to me about finding a job and not helping support us. he also had no problem telling me his problems but wouldnt be there for me when i needed it. and made me feel like crap about everything. if he spent money on me. if he had to pay rent.if i spent time with my family. i was trying to find a job and did get one but gave up my career for it to help move into the apt. so when he showed up outta nowhere drunk that nite i lost it. and then he lost it and said very mean things about me my looks and family and became violent . it was another drunk excuse and that i pushed him over his boiling point with my stress and sadness and flipping out on him.

 

i ended it and moved in with my sister agian, but i couldnt cut off contact . and eventually we met and he apologized and told me the whole i will always love you bit and its undying. i relapsed and spent the night with him . i missed him . it felt so good . but the next day he acted weird and told me i need to get help to get better for my outlashings at him because he would not go back with me until i was normal again. and he would "eventually" work on himself but he had nobody and couldnt drown so working was top priority. but it wasnt . he was drinking constantly with his new " friends" who also were newly single and drunk texting and facebooking me then retracting what he said.

 

i went to a therapist and ended up talking about him the whole time. i realized this and wanted to give him an altimatedum of either we both get help together or we are done. i asked to meet him and he did , at a bar. he was an ass and rude about me asking for his time and i lost it again on him and it ended in a yelling match in public. i feel so stupid cause he had a way of making me feel crazy and angry to the point of going crazy on him. because he wouldnt listen to me or let me cry on his shoulder or take my concerns about him drinking seriously. he fed me alot of b.s. about changing our lives but never made an effort.

 

i cooked cleaned fed him brought him coffee at work everything . he never did any of that. he even told me he has thought multiple times of sending me flowers but didnt just because he didnt want to . idk why i am so torn over him when i knowingly know why we had to break up. but my heart still yearns for him everyday. everything reminds me of him and i am miserable and feel stupid.i am now living in a city working a crappy job i hate and no friends to help. im like a zombie and constantly think about how much fun he is having and doing his career. i dont know how to kick this and i just want to be happy. and get on with my life, but idk why i still love and miss him

[DN]

Moderator Note: welcome to eNotAlone sweetnsourcyd. I have split your post into paragraphs for easier reading. Hopefully that will help get you more replies.

[sweetnsourcyd]

i left him. i am kinda confused about the " gloating" response

[DN]

i left him. i am kinda confused about the " gloating" response

That wasn't a response to you - it is a 'signature comment'.

[sweetnsourcyd]

o jeez sorry

[KeepMe]

I can't tell you anything that you don't already know and I can't tell you anything different than the standard "it takes time." That's the famous line everyone uses and even myself because I know, personally, that no matter how long it takes your heart does heal even when it feels like it's never going to. You should try and rest your head and know that leaving him was truly the best thing that you could do.

 

Don't focus on him and the fun he is having because trust me the loser always pretends to have the most fun, it's their way of over shadowing their true loneliness and guilt. This guy is one of those guys who blames everyone but himself, he is feeling sorry for himself and what happened to him in the past. Some people who had rough childhoods or rough pasts can hold an anger deep below and feel like they only have themselves to trust/rely and it's everyone else' fault. You did the right thing and now it's time to focus on yourself and having a life without him.

 

It's much easier said than done but getting out and starting a hobby and meeting new people can help get your mind off him, anything to keep your mind busy and not thinking of this low life. You shouldn't feel down on yourself either, this guy is a manipulator, he blames his anger and he comes right back with apologies to keep stringing you along, this is what people like that do and they are very good at it, instead of blaming yourself consider this a lesson learned.

 

You were happy without him at one point in your life and you'll be happy without him again, it just takes time. I've had a couple pretty bad breakups and to be honest I thought I would never be happy without my ex, it took four years but I'm finally over him. Do I still think about him from time to time? Sure. Do I still miss him from time to time? Sure. We had some really great times and that's what you tend to remember most which keeps the heart lingering some love for these people.

 

Good luck,

-Keep

[Hollyj]

Wow! What are you missing: the emotional abuse, the drinking, the irresponsibility or the dysfunctional drama of this whole mess?

 

This man has serious problems with alcohol and self-esteem-hateful comments he makes. He is going to require years of counseling to deal with his issues-only he can choose to change, you should not be the instigator.

 

I am more concerned with you. You clearly show that you are co-dependent and don't seem to love or respect yourself-you would have left immediately after the initial incidents. Please check out CODA-free groups to deal with co-dependency-and understand why you would allow yourself to be placed in such a harmful position.

 

Do your friends and family know about this? If so, what do they say? Please turn to those that love you-this guy doesn't, he doesn't love himself either-to move on from a man who will only continue to bring you pain. I think you already know that though.

[WockaWocka]

I completely agree with Holly, this relationship was an abusive dysfunctional mess. I think the only way you can move past it is to start working on your self-esteem and codependency issues. As long as you feel like a "horrible excuse for a woman" you will continue to love and miss this guy and will repeat the pattern as soon as you meet someone new.

 

If your health insurance covers counseling I'd definitely take advantage of it. I also wish I knew some good books on codependency to recommend but maybe a quick search online or in a bookstore would help lead you to these resources. Finding a codependency group along the lines of what Holly recommended would help. Even Al-Anon might be helpful, hope you can find something along these lines.

[sweetnsourcyd]

i know i have co dependancy issues , especially with him. it is very hard because i packed up my life, which at the time i didnt see but had a pretty good life work and hobbies to basically be with him. thank god i had family here who are very understanding and helpful. i am going to therapy and helping myself becuase in the end i know i did the right thing . but it hurts. and it hurts to walk around a new city without him, does that make sense?

[sweetnsourcyd]

and i feel like a horrible excuse for a woman because i let someone , like him , bring me down so low. but its hard to kick that "LOVE" feeling.

[Hollyj]

and i feel like a horrible excuse for a woman because i let someone , like him , bring me down so low. but its hard to kick that "LOVE" feeling.

 

Eventually, you will recognize it wasn't love but, dependence and a search for validation. If you think about it, how could you love someone who treated you like garbage, it is your own feeling of inadequacy.

 

Happy to hear you are getting counseling but please check out CODA, as you will share with those in the same mindset.

 

Did you grow up in a an environment of drama. Many people are attracted to what they know. It's familiar.

[leaningpixie]

Don't focus on him and the fun he is having because trust me the loser always pretends to have the most fun, it's their way of over shadowing their true loneliness and guilt. This guy is one of those guys who blames everyone but himself, he is feeling sorry for himself and what happened to him in the past. Some people who had rough childhoods or rough pasts can hold an anger deep below and feel like they only have themselves to trust/rely and it's everyone else' fault. You did the right thing and now it's time to focus on yourself and having a life without him.

 

Hey Keep I wanted to thank you for these lines... I know you didn't write them to me but they really resonated with me and my situation!

[sweetnsourcyd]

No I didn't but I never had a stable male figure in my life and have horrible memories of men treating me wrong . I recognize I probably gravitate to the wrong type , because he was really the first serious relationship I have had . But all i want to do is run away. Like go back home where i had a life outside of this. I don't want to be around this town now, working a crap job and trying to be happy .

[Hollyj]

Then go back home.