Jump to content

What would you do or have you done when dumper breaks NC? Advice?


Recommended Posts

Depends at what stage of my healing he contacted me. If it was in the early stages I probably would have tried again. Later on I wouldn't have. Right now I probably wouldn't even respond.


When I did want him back, I would have only kept in touch if he wanted to be in a relationship, since the friends thing was too painful.

Link to comment

5-1/2 weeks after my breakup and NC, my ex emailed 4 times right in a row. I called her, we talked, and decided to be friends and "start over slowly". I didn't realize at the time that she had just been dumped. She was very disrespectful and all of it ended within a week and I have never looked back. Guess it all served its purpose because nearly a year and a half later, life is going as well as it ever has. Still waiting for a nice girl to come along, but happy and in no hurry.

Link to comment

If my Mr.Dumper breaks NC....it depends what he's breaking it for.


If he breaks it because he wants friendship...I will tell him politely that I don't want his friendship. I was reading an article yesterday saying if you want a man back, then don't be his friend. And I have a friend who is basically a 'friend with benefits' to a guy, but has fooled herself into thinking its more. He is comfortable because he has her friendship, and her body at his disposal...perfect situation for a man that doesn't want to fully commit and make any effort for her.


So, no friendship for me.


If he comes back wanting to actually try again at a relationship...he's going to work for it. Because my value just went up!

Link to comment

Dumper X broke NC with me after 2 1/2 months (this was years ago). I heard him out, but realized it was a broken record. He said he would be in touch with me soon and never looked back. It's 18 months or so now?


I'm not looking for him to contact me again. There is a difference between what many call NC here and just letting go and getting on with life.


If someone comes back, I would let them talk and do what they wish, but be weary and decisive about their true intentions. Rarely do you have people who get the " i want you back" call after months of no communication. Personally, I would expect nothing, because in many cases, the dumper simply doesnt know themselves.

Link to comment

My ex got in touch after NC for a month. She said she missed me, doesnt like NC, not fair since we shared so much (she broke up with me btw). We chatted briefly over text, I said i'd rather not talk if she doesnt want to get back together. she asked she isnt sure right now but what do I think. I said sure we could meet up and talk, her response was not a good idea to meet up if we are trying to get over each other! haha who knows but I wouldnt take her back now.

Link to comment

If you love them, remain cool and dignified (or at least try to appear to be), put them in the "Friend Zone", remain in LC and continue working on myself. Have no expectatins, but probably hope that the flame will be rekindled at some point and he would fall in love with the new me and will have realised what a great catch he had been missing out on.

Link to comment

If my ex contacted me I know exactly what I would do. Play it cool and wait for her to spill her guts. Then make a decision. No matter what she said to me... I already know what I would show her/tell her. Basically I worked on myself, I love myself too much to let you jump out of a relationship again (I know that would most likely be the case) and treat me like a welcome mat. I have boundaries and you didn't respect them so what's changed? She's got plently of issues with relationships and a pattern. She would have to look inside herself and decide it's time to change that pattern and find out what's inside of her is what she really needs. I couldn't tell her to do that, she would have to realize it. Maybe me explaining what I thought was wrong and how I worked on myself would help. You can't however tell someone to change. She has an issue with abandonment and running from relationship to relationship for that in love feeling.


All of that I would need to see addressed before there would be a chance in hell of me getting back with her. That doesn't mean I don't love/care for her. I would be doing her and me a disservice by getting back with her right away. I love myself now too much to be treated the way I was again. These deep issues that she has... abandonment/depression need to be noticed by her. She would need to own her issues and recognize them. If not there would be no point.

Link to comment

I listened to him. He apologized for breaking up, he apologized for his behavior, he apologized for hurting me. He explained why he did what he did, how he felt about me, what he wanted for our future.


I accepted his apology. I told him I needed time to think about all he said. I explained that this was a one time thing --- if he ever thought he could walk away without dealing with the issues/stresses he faced without talking to me --- he could keep walking. He said it would never happen again.


I forgave him --- a step way beyond accepting an apology.


We are together now and our relationship is better and stronger than before.

Link to comment

This all depends on what you want the situation to look like. Do you want to reconcile? If so, remember this: the number of time's you (generally speaking as i don't know your situation) have contacted them, did they jump back to reply to your texts or to answer your calls? Probably not. So you don't have any responsibility to reply to them. They said it was over. There is a lot of misunderstanding about NC and LC.... there are two reasons why you should do this:


1) if you don't want them back; to work on yourself and get you back to being you. Healing yourself


2) if you want them back; you should be doing this to not only work on you but to create psychological distance between you and your ex, so that you can create the opportunity for them to miss you and let attraction redevelop. If so, you need to also have a solid plan on HOW you will get them back, to initiate contact and get them in a favourable position. It's simply a case of transferring the power that they have over you back firmly into your possession. You are now out of their power grasp right?


So to answer your question, if your ex has contacted you and you WANT to get them back you have 2 choices IMO.


a) Don't reply - you don't have any responsibility to do this...instead wait until the time when you are ready to contact them after your NC period is over in your plan. I suggest 3 weeks


b) WAIT! let their contact remind you that they still care and that you're gaining ground. So wait a while, enjoy it! You can wait a few hours or even a day or so. Ideally, their desire will build and they may contact you again. Then, say something like "Hey I got your text/call. Sorry, I've been really busy. I hope you're well."


in option b, you're acknowledging them but you're not engaging them....please note: you're not trying to make them jealous...you're simply arousing their curiosity and attraction without being desperate or need.


I hope this helps....let us know what you did!

Link to comment

If I could re live the moments he initiated it again, I wouldn't of gone to work that day, instead would of driven as fast as I can back to his house to reconcyle, make love that was way over due and talk, make him dinner and really be there with him in the moment. The 2nd time he initiated it, I wouldn't of been cold and bitter and hung up on him, I would of stayed on the phone and been very cheerful and light with him, I would of offered him to come over and I would of made love to him....

I just miss the making love factor, I wish we had more of it before all of our issues unraveled, and wish I would of reciprocated for love towards him whenver he showed it instead of taking it for granet...

Theres a lot I would of done differently including to not email him/not text him/call him, I wouldn't of blocked him on myspace...I just would of left him alone and if he came back to me, thats when I would of done all of the above...Unfortunetly I played my cards wrong and lost him for good...

Link to comment

If I could re live the moments he initiated it again, I wouldn't of gone to work that day, instead would of driven as fast as I can back to his house to reconcyle, make love that was way over due and talk, make him dinner and really be there with him in the moment. The 2nd time he initiated it, I wouldn't of been cold and bitter and hung up on him, I would of stayed on the phone and been very cheerful and light with him, I would of offered him to come over and I would of made love to him....

I just miss the making love factor, I wish we had more of it before all of our issues unraveled, and wish I would of reciprocated for love towards him whenver he showed it instead of taking it for granet...

Theres a lot I would of done differently including to not email him/not text him/call him, I wouldn't of blocked him on myspace...I just would of left him alone and if he came back to me, thats when I would of done all of the above...Unfortunetly I played my cards wrong and lost him for good...


The good news is, there are plenty of good people out there who will treat you right and its never too late for love! Always rebuilt that heart of yours..

Link to comment

Im at this situation. Almost 6 years relationship (last 20 months long distance), she broke up due to long distance and GIGS (and other communication problems - her not communicating and I was too "cold" to her to cope with my frustration of the long distance). 3 weeks after BU I came back to her country. When I came back, we met twice I did not beg, I accepted her decision and she was childish and said a few things that hurted me (such as she would like to see me with another girl to see how she would feel, also that we should "meet other people" and that she was confused). She is 29 I am 31, we started dating she was 23 and I was her first.


The GIGS was a guy from her office, and she told me she only kissed him one night at a bar...


After we had our last meeting when I came back, I started NIC and told her to contact me for whatever (talk, causal coffee, whatever).


After 3 weeks of NC, my ex txtd me (due to my bday), and she said she wanted to know about me. She called me later in the afternoon and we talked for 10 min, call I terminated being a bit "dry". Then, 4 days of NC and we met randomly in the street yesterday. I invited her for a coffee this weekend. She said yes, and suggested to meet with a common friend who is visiting our city today. I agreed, and yesterday night txtd her to arrange time and location. She suggested a place and said she will contact the common friend to set the hour, and later today she will inform about the time.


How should I act in this meeting today? Since our common friend is probably going to be there, I am not going to try and be alone with her for any serious talk (unless she does it, which I doubt it to happen). I thibk I should just enjoy the evening with my ex and our friend, keeping all conversations light and funny.


I am hoping to get her back, but I dont know...the fact that she could only see this meeting today with the presence of our common friend scares me that she only wants a friendship...


In any case, after this coffee, if nothing meaningful happens, I am going NC for a few weeks...is this the best option? And what to do today at the meeting?



Link to comment

What you want to do is to be cool...DON'T talk about any relationship issues in front of the mutual friend. Instead...talk about things that you have been doing that are interesting to them both and just generally act like you are out with 2 friends and catching up. If you have the opportunity to talk to her for a moment alone...quickly apologise for anything that you have done wrong eg: Hey, I just wanted to say that the way i've been acting over the past few weeks/months has not been cool...and I sincerely apologise for that....if its anything specific...mention it...but don't dwell on it...say it sincerely and with as few sentences as possible...then...have something interesting to jump back into to take the conversation away from that. This shows that you are mature enough to handle something like that without the desire to put them in an awkward position. People are naturally opposed to conflict...by moving on to a new conversation right away...you are subconsciously saying "hey, I understand that there are some things that i did wrong but i acknowledge it and i'm moving on from it...i dont require anything from you" you ARE strong enough to handle that kind of thing without making a big deal about it...you see??


Also, unless its clearly obvious that you're getting back together that night...you want to limit your time to around 45 mins however, because there is another party involved...you maybe want to stretch it out to an hour or so. Why? Because you want your ex to be wanting more of you...you politely inform them that you also made some plans with friends so you need to head off...this is for you to gauge though! You can end by saying...it was great to catch up with you both...lets do it again soon...and be done...get out of there!



Wait for her to then request to see you again...if she doesn't..it doesn't matter...give it a week or so and call her up...tell her you're heading out on "friday" for a few drinks with friends...i've only got an hour or so before but it'd be great to catch up again.


Good luck!!!

Link to comment

Thanks! Yeah, I wont talk about anything serious in front of others...and if I get the opportunity to talk with her alone, I will only apologize for being "dry" over the phone when she called me for my bday, and immediately move on to other topic (not related to us). I will arrange an "exit" strategy after one hour (txt a friend and arranging to meet with him afterwards, without my ex or our friend to realize it).


I doubt it that we are going to get back together tonight...I have no idea on what she is feeling towards us, and since she had the GIGs I dont know if that actually continued after that one night or if she stopped it... My sister tells me that if she was with the other guy, she wouldnt have txtd me on my bday saying that she wanted "to know whats up" with me... Well, I dont want to have any expectations for tonight nor for the near future...


I will just keep "playing" this game, and at the same time moving on with my life...If anytime soon I get any idea that this is going towards nothing more than a friendship - something impossible for me after 6 years together - I will just inform her in the future (not tonight) of my decision to NC and ask her to do the same... And then time will tell what happens...


Thanks for youe very helpful advice ngu11!

Link to comment
My pleasure my friend. Let us know how it all works out!


Well, as things never go according to plan:


Our common friend couldnt meet us, so we went alone for dinner. During dinner, we started talking about the BU and our relationship (mostly me talking, and she was listening, as it was always during our relationship). Almost 5 hrs of talking (not only serious stuff, but also random funny stuff). She cried a lot and laughed a lot.


After this meeting, my conclusions:


Conclusion 1: she was confused when she broke up. She is now even more confused because I came back to the country where we both live now to try and make us work. She told me that crying... She started feeling even more confused after 2 weeks of NC, when she went on holidays to our homecountry, where we lived our first relationship year. She broke NC 3 weeks in (due to my bday as explained earlier). She is REALLY confused on her feelings, mainly due to my unexpected return only 3 weeks after BU and to the presence of the GIGS guy. I already knew that he was hitting on her for a few months before BU, but she confirmed that again today, and despite saying that she is only phisically attracted to him, she said that looks matter nothing - I told her that is not true, that looks are the first thing in any relationship. I also believe that she is probably a little bit in love with him. Maybe not enough to date him seriously, but sufficiently to hook up with him more in the future and actually sleep with him (she still hasnt - read below conclusion 3).


Conclusion 2: I made her see that I came back to her country EXCLUSIVELY because of her, because I love her and I still believe that our relationship deserved a second chance. I told her that I knew that was not what she wanted, and she replied that she doesnt know what she wants (confused).


Conclusion 3: I asked her to be brutally honest with me, as I was being with her. After some light pressure, she spilled her guts, and told me she had hooked up with the GIGS guy a few more times (no sex....yet). I said that it is natural, and she is entitled to do what she wants. I believe she didnot have sex (yet) with the other dude, because she was a virgin when we started our relationship, and she didnt have sex with anyone else besides me (she comes from a very conservative family, and only "opened her eyes to the world" when she moved away from her parents house/country to come live with me. I suspect that she probably will sleep with the GIGS in the near future.


I then told her that I am dealing with our BU in a different way, not using a rebound or partying a lot, but by looking after myself both phisically and mentally. She told me she was thinking about going to do therapy (she really needs it in my opinion, mainly to deal with her communication problems, that even her parents have complained to her...). I told her that I believed that if she just keeps doing what she was doing until our 2nd week of NC (partying and hooking up with the GIGS/rebound guy), she is not going to heal, learn or grow anything from our BU, and if she doesnt stop to think and work on herself, she will never grow, she will never actually deal with the "confusion" she is feeling today and she will never solve the problems that she admitted earlier that she had (communication). I told her that in any case, if she decided to grow and learn from this experience, she must do it because she wants to do it, and not because I am suggesting her to do it...She just cried when I told her this.


I dont believe that she will actually take therapy or make any effort to learn and grow after this BU. She is too passive and lazy to do that. Altough, I do believe that she will grow once she starts to see that she lost me completely, or once things dont work out with the rebound. I am just hoping that she is not too proud to actually approach me if she does realise that we were meant to be together.


Conclusion 4: I told her that we shouldnt keep meeting frequently or at all...And if we actually do meet either because I contacted her or she contacted me, that we will not bring up any serious conversations, and that if we do meet we are just going to have a good time. I told her that if in the future I feel like contacting her I would. She said that she would do the same, and we promised that if we do get in contact or arrange for a meeting, we are only going to have fun, no talking about BU or relationship issues.


When saying goodbye at her doorstep, I asked her if she would like to have one of those meetings just to have fun in a few weeks...(vague concept I used on purpose). She said yes, with a big smile on her face. But, this is what I told her. In fact, I am most likely going NIC for some weeks or months now. Until I feel completely healed, until I solve all my problems (self-esteem and fear of abandonment) and I get my self-esteem completely back (which I have started and will get back completely in a few months). If she calls me, I will always be there and reachable. I know she wont probably call me for at least a couple of months (until she misses me, and she will...).


I might call her before that...maybe...but not if I feel like Im doing it out of anxiety...only if I feel that I can actually go for a coffee and have fun with her. I want to do it after hooking up or sleeping with one or two girls... (since I have been working A LOT on my body, on my tan, on my looks - and on my self-esteem, this will happen soon...hopefully! )


FINAL CONCLUSION: Same as conclusion 1. SHE IS REALLY CONFUSED. She doesnt know what she wants, not on a superficial level of choosing between me or the GIGS, but between her life path - of commiting to me for a long time (we had 6 years together and I had proposed to her almost 2 years ago), or of going to enjoy life as she should have enjoyed when she was in her earlier 20's and didnt because we started dating.


She admitted that only now she realized that other man can be attracted to her to a level of engaging in a relationship with her (as she said that the GIGS guy wants to - she also told me that they are not "serious" now). She hadnt realized that other men could be attracted to her and actually want to have a relationship with her because she stopped meeting people once we started dating - I asked her if she did that because I made her do it...she said no, she said she did it because she wanted to do it...I told her that was a mistake, because I kept meeting lots of new people when we dated, engaged in social activities with lost of people, and never met any girl that would have stolen my heart from her...She cried and said I was right, and that she should have met more people socially thoughout our relationship...


So, my final (and superficial conclusion) the GIGS is actually a rebound. It might actually become a "serious rebound", mainly if he is an ok guy, and if I keep going after her and having "serious conversations". I will not do this. I will make her miss me. And the rebounf will have a VERY hard time to erase the feelings she has for me from her heart.


Mainly because we were together for 6 years and I was the perfect boyfriend throughout the relationship, except during the distance period. Even in the end, we had no fights, no yelling, nothing... Just some drama and some tears, but nothing special. She still loves me. She is starting to fall in love with the other dude.


I am now even stronger to keep moving on and working on myself. This will be my way of improving myself as a boyfriend, as a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend, a coworker...I am also sure that she will come back, even if it takes her some months or years. She will come back. And then let's see if I still want her... I hope I do, but only time will tell. (Its funny, I am 100% sure she will come back, but I am not sure if I will still want her when she does).


Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment!

Link to comment

Wow...what can I say 6yeardumped? The obvious and of course what you already know is that you were in there wayyyy too long and the heavy conversation about the BU etc has set you back. I also think it's not for me or anyone else to judge you on what you choose to do and handle the BU. I just feel it was a great opportunity to rebuild attraction from her. Not necessarily physically as this may have never gone...but im talking about the intangible attraction which was there when you first met.


In my opinion, you need to put your best self forward, whether you feel sad and lost inside or not. If you get her back...those bad feelings vanish.


You shouldn't have told her about your NC intention. You should have let her feel like everything is great with you and that you now have the break up under control and your own feelings together.


Whats great is that you've possibly left the door open for another meeting, although you need to do some damage limitation.


You seem like a great guy...very sincere and that is felt by people reading, myself and your ex. If you want her...you gotta do everything within your power to get her - regret the things we do...not the things we don't do.


Call her up in the next few days and say...i've been doing some thinking over the last few days and our meeting has given me a lot of perspective and helped me to close some doors. I'm feeling a lot better. Do you fancy going for a coffee on "whatever day" Make sure its a coffee or a drink man....dinner is intense at all times.


If she says yes...great...do it and be out of there in an hour lol.... only talk about fun stuff - light hearted stuff. Have a laugh with her man! If she brings up the relationship (which sounds like she wont with her communication issues) then listen but try not to get to deep with your opinions and questions. if you can manage this...I'm telling you, you will see great results.


If you don't want that...then continue your healing man...we're all here to support!


all the best

Link to comment

Thanks for your reply ngu11


I just woke up 4 hrs after my meeting with her, with a huge anxiety attack...I was about to call her, but called my sister instead and I calmed down...




I told her about my NC intention, but also told her that I would call her if I felt like doing it. So I also gave her mixed signals.


And I do now that know I am going NC for a long time. Not one week, but minimum 2/3 months. I got to give her time to play with the rebound guy, get tired of him, and then come back to me...at the same time, I got to give MORE time to myself to heal...I havent felt these panick attacks like the one I just had when waking up for a few weeks now...which means that the meeting yesterday really affected me, as my sister said it would.


Now, NC for me to heal. NC for her to miss me, like she did after the 1st 3 weeks of NC. I might need more weeks now. Plenty more.


I want her, and I know that NOW, after the meeting yesterday, I can only go NC. I said too much. I even tried to kiss her (not desperately, just when she was hugging me...she turned her face, but ketp hugging me). I apologized for that childish move of mine immediately after doing it, and a few hours later.


She knows that I am sincere and a good guy. Good guys not always finish last. If I now turn slightly into a "bad guy" with NC, I will have my shot at getting her back in a few months. She needs to fly away now. She needs to sleep with that other guy. And once she falls from that cloud, she will approach me. And until then, I just need to clean my head and keep working on my body.


Thanks for the suggestion on calling her for a coffee in a few days and the tips on how to deal with it. But it is still too soon. I gotta give her some time. A lot of time. And also to myself. This morning I am a nervous wreck. Tomorrow I will be a little better. After tomorrow a little better...Once my anxiety leaves me completely I know I will be ready for that coffee. And she might even call me before that to schedule that "fun coffee" herself.


In any case, I am not going to think about that coffee for the next days. One day at the time. Now me. Focusing and dropping anxiety. The next coffee? It comes when it comes...not thinking about it now...



Thanks once again...Im going for a walk to clear my head...

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...


Ugh I need your help right now.....


You can read my thread for my whole entire story....but for now this is the latest.



I spoke to my ex a couple of days ago again because I decided to send him a card by mail since it was 7 yrs ago that we met.

He called me as soon as he got the card in the mail and was really happy to receive it.


We spoke for a good 30 min, he stated he loves me and cares for me alot and that just becuz he doesnt call doesnt mean he don't care anymore he just respects me and doesnt want to lead me on or hurt me.


He stated he doesnt want to burn his bridges and with his previous ex girlfriends he never cared to speak to them again but with me its different becuz I am a very important part of his life. In additional to that he spoke about the healing process when we last broke up and how we got to start to date lil by little and didnt rush anything.



He said you never know what happens and yes the though of getting back together has crossed my mind before so who knows what the future holds.

He told me that at this point all he thinks about is the good memories we had not the drama and b.s and if things were to change one day he wants to start off from the good memories not the bad ones.

He also told me that I can always tell him how I feel and we can speak as long as its on decent respectful term, not drama or arguing.


I felt stupid at one point after I dropped the card in the mailbox cuz I feel like ive gone out of my way to make attempts to show him I care and even though he has responded to every text, call or message. He hasn't made no attempts on his own.

I did state that to him and he said that the same way I did something for him when he least expect it that who knows maybe one day he'll do the same for me.


I have yet to hear a word of reconciliation or nothing from him the 2 times we spoken since I went NC, am I suppose too? or is it too soon? I have no idea what to think.

Hes not telling me no nor hes not telling me yes.


Do i need to go complete NC on him instead of limited contact? Do I need to disappear completely?



So I don't know what to expect, he was being very sweet and honest but of course I am not hearing what I want to hear.

Hes a grown man and as he told me on Monday when we spoke, he said im not a kid anymore so you telling me how you feel and me telling you how I feel its just the honest truth. We still have strong feelings for each other and we still care deeply.


I don't know what to think or do anymore.

I know i need to stick to NC and really stick to it.

He did tell me hes glad there hasnt been anymore drama and as long as we speak on good terms we cool.

Link to comment

I know my dumper will be breaking NC soon and I'm looking forward to ignoring him. I can't wait for him to contact me so I can ignore him instead of being the one who's ignored. I know it's childish but I'm so fed up with him and his disappearing acts right now. We had an incredible date after 4 months of not seeing each other and he just went poof. Very typical of him though.

Link to comment

Hello Kuite09!


This seems really simple from an outsiders point of view. He as basically told you that the doors are not shut. So what do you do? To me he wants to just take things slowly and go with the flow. Sometimes when we break up we are a little confused about what we want but ultimately, whatever the current situation, the heart and desire will win.


In my opinion, show him your best sides...your personality, your charm, the person he met at first. He will be attracted to this...doesn't mean you're home and dry but you have a very good chance to start again afresh. Try not to bring up old wounds...don't tell him how much you are hurt....just pretend he's a new guy almost...someone you like and would like the chance to see where it goes...don't put too much pressure on yourself or him...people do NOT like pressure...it's just human nature...maybe we respond to pressure well in our professional lives but the psychology is totally different. What you almost want to show is that you are happy to go wither way....a relationship or go your own way without even saying it. Don't say lets get back together or nothing as you'll more than likely lose. Take each day at a time dear and LC is DEF the way to go...I would suggest asking him out for a coffee for a catchup after a while...buy a new skirt, dress or shoes...whatever...get your hair done differently...you want him to see that things have changed with you. People become curious about this...especially ex partners as they are used to knowing and seeing everything about us. Hold something for yourself and be light hearted fun and subtly sexy!


Good luck dear!

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...