Why can't I get past the pain?

[pietro5266]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a bit. I feel miserable tonight, after feeling OK for a few days. I want to know how much of my pain is related to my ex, and how much of it is simply my own personal issues being triggered as a result of the breakup.

 

We only dated about 6 months, but much of it was very intense. And the end was very difficult, because she basically replaced me with another guy. We've been "officially" broken-up for just over 2 weeks, and have been mostly NC.

 

I can certainly understand the pain from breaking up -- the constant memory triggers, the emotional hole that's left, etc. But what about other things I'm feeling right now -- alone, discarded, replaced -- why should I be feeling these just from a breakup? I have other friends, and other dating prospects. I was great to my ex, so it wasn't something I did that killed the relationship, and, therefore, don't really need to feel any guilt over it. And, while there were definitely some good parts of the relationship, my ex had a lot of problems. Yet, here I sit -- sad, lonely, and missing her. And it goes on and on and on.

 

It saps my energy and my motivation. I can't get much done, which makes me feel worse. I keep going back to "what if?" with my ex, even though I know it's an illusion. It's really like a bad dream that you can't wake-up from.

 

Even though the breakup was difficult, she and I have expressed an interest in trying to remain friends. I think she is sincere, and I think that a friendship could be good. But I just can't get past all of these stupid feelings. I can't completely remove the fantasy that maybe there's a chance for us in the future, even though I know, objectively, that it's not something I even want. I can't get past the idea of her with another guy. It seems so f***ing immature.

 

I know, I'm probably over-thinking this. Maybe two weeks is just too soon. Maybe I'm foolishly trying to question what is simply intrinsic human behavior. But I just think that I should be able to get past this, and for some reason I can't seem to do it. But there's got to be a way.

[pietro5266]

One thing I just thought of -- maybe one of my secondary issues is that I don't have the self-esteem to turn-down a friendship with with someone who treated me so poorly. Again, this also sounds like it's immature and unproductive to me, at first glance. But maybe there's some truth to it.

[banal]

You feel the way you do because that's exactly how you were treated. You WERE replaced. You WERE discarded. I'm not saying that you should have been, but that's what happened, so it makes total sense that you'd feel this way. There's no shame or immaturity in it. Your personal issues can only manifest in reference to other things, like relationships.

 

One of the worst realizations of a relationship is that luck plays a major factor in the relationship's success. It sucks. You can bust your ass, you can be the best boyfriend you can possibly be, you can respect all of her wishes, and still, STILL, it might not be enough because she "freaks out" or she finds another guy or she just decides that she's not ready for a relationship or she gets drunk and sleeps with someone else or a million other things that can go wrong that you cannot control. And it's very easy to lapse into a mode where you question all that you did, and you begin to feel inadequate as a person and not just as a boyfriend. No matter what some dumpers say, breakups are very personal, and it's virtually impossible to not take them that way.

 

Your feelings may seem immature, but they're not: you're way too close to the break up. You need to go NC for exactly this reason: as long as you stay in contact with her, you'll be hoping that you can resurrect the relationship. That's now way to get over her. You cannot "will" the pain to disappear: you can only watch it fade.

[pietro5266]

Banal, you are very wise. Thank you.

 

I'm really curious as to the seemingly universal desire to resurrect the relationship, even though it may not have been a very good experience to begin with. Is it that the mind idealizes things? If so, why? That hope springs eternal?

[Carus]

I was instantly replaced too so I know all the stuff you're going through all too well....

 

Banal made a good post....I think one of the reasons my ex's rebound worked out was that I was always there when she reached out to me...When things simmered down or she got her 'fix' she would run back to him. After a while the contact just dried up and I was left to start my healing journey from scratch....when really I should have been doing that a long time ago

 

So I hope you see the lesson in that....I'm not the only one either*

 

I'm 'friendly' with most of my ex's , but not until a long time has passed and I have fully healed from it.

 

As to your last post, when we spend so much time with a significant other, we really do form a bond with them. Mentally, Physically and Chemically. When they go and we are forced to unravel all that, it is truly painful and horrible. Your mind and body is suddenly not getting the stimulus it is used to from this other person....

 

Retraining your mind and body takes time and focus, but it can be done and well, must be done*

 

Sending You Strength

Carus* 8-)

[banal]

Yeah, exactly - part of it is idealization (all relationships are idealized to an extent, no matter how good they are) and as Carus says, it really has to do with giving your life over to someone else. When my girlfriend left me, I lost my best friend, my lover, and my number one confidante. I lost the person I would share my day with, share basically my LIFE with. Even if our relationship "objectively" wasn't all that great (ours was fine for the record) it wouldn't have mattered, because I lost what was a big part of myself, and so close to this breakup I - and many other people - would do almost anything to bring it back.

 

It's why going out and being active is very important. I've only been dumped twice in my life. The last time I took it hard, even though I didn't have feelings as strong as I did for my most recent ex. I look back on it and saw that I did hardly anything. I spent a lot of time moping, reading old romantic emails, looking at photographs of us together, listening to sad music, etc. In the first week I did not go out ONCE. It took me over a month to begin feeling remotely like myself again. This time I have done something substantial out of the house virtually every single day, and while I won't say I'm "over her," I'm a lot further along in the healing process than I "should" be. I even made a link removed profile for the express purpose of seeing that other attractive and desirable women out there exist (I have no intentions of dating this soon after the BU; I only want to realize that my ex was not the entire female population). It helps a LOT to realize that your ex was NOT your life. You made her a big part of it, yes, and now it's time to fill the void that she made.

[strawberryjell]

I feel the same way you do, pietro. It's been a little over a month since my BU, and after a 3 year, relationship, my ex already has a new girlfriend. I personally do not want to be friends with him, and I'm only on day 4 NC. I told him outright that I didn't want to be friends and he was fine with it-I don't want someone in my life who treated me badly and didn't care, which became more obvious to me after the BU. If I were you, I wouldn't be friends with your ex until you are fully healed, especially since she has someone new already.

[pietro5266]

Thank you, Carus -- I need all the strength I can get right now. And your experience with your ex makes sense -- they use you as an emotional fallback. I seriously need to consider that. And I think you're right regarding the "bond" idea -- we initially had a very strong bond, but obviously not enough to go the distance.

 

 

 

 

This is exactly what I have experienced. It's been a big emotional black hole. I'm trying to find other social channels, things to do, people to do it with, but this takes time; so, in the meantime, it's very difficult.

 

 

 

Again, this is something i need to strongly consider. The nature of such a friendship might not even be very appealing -- you never return to the depth of connection you had during your relationship, so everything else seems paltry in comparison.

[magnoliatree]

I think you are being hard on yourself. It's only been two weeks, which is short even if you would have been dealing with a sane person! She did a number on your head, it's not your fault. You'll feel better, but it will take as long as it will take. But don't be her friend!! If you can't definitively say that, then maybe just shelve the idea for a few months and then you can decide later.

[tresqua]

Even though the breakup was difficult, she and I have expressed an interest in trying to remain friends. I think she is sincere, and I think that a friendship could be good.

 

She wants to be friends. That's nice. "I dumped you and I have another boyfriend but it would be nice to keep you around in case I get bored or lonely or even worse, need a guy's opinion if I need to talk about the sexual aspects of the relationship or other issues I might be having with your replacement".

 

Sure she's sincere, and you're foolish to think a friendship could be good.

 

About the rest of it.. 6 months is a long time and the feelings were strong. It's going to take most people more than 2 weeks to get past the shock and rejection, among a zillion other emotions swirling around your head, especially given how sudden it was and how fast she moved on.

[pietro5266]

The little rational person in my head is reading the last two posts and going, "See, if you won't listen to me, listen to them! You know they are absolutely right!"

 

But then the little emotional person jumps in and says, "But isn't that just being cold and spiteful to cut someone off like that?" I'm beginning to think, however, that the rational guy is starting to win.

 

As far as longer than two weeks, I guess that's true; there's no way to "speed this up". I'm not falling apart every 10 minutes now, but I'm far from "better". Hopefully, I'm at least at the point now where I can start being productive again and start establishing a good social support network.

 

Thank y'all for your great advice.