Can we be friends ??!!

[BONO]

Here is my dilemma.Broke up 1 month ago after an argument over communication – ironically breaking it off with me. She was truly upset and in tears. There was no begging or pleading on my side , I just said "I think your making a mistake"The following evening she sent me a message confirming her intentions and said that she would miss me dearly was still in tears saying that the past 9 months had meant the world to her and I had helped in ways I never knew. I thanked her for being my BF and basically said goodbye. The following morning she sent me another sms wishing me luck on my business trip and that she would not be in contact until she hears from me. I didn’t respond until I returned a few days later saying thanks and that the trip was good. I then left it and resumed NC until this week when I after seeking advice from DN and sent her this.

• ME " Hi there trouble ;-) I hope all is going well out there for you. I am sorry that our relationship ended and wonder if that is what you really want or there is someway we could fix it. Could we meet to talk things over at some point this week "
  

• HER "Hey there hun. All well here thanks. Hope all is likewise with you. If you would like to meet as friends I would like that but I really do not think we are right for each other in a relationship. I’m sorry that it worked out this way but I believe it’s the right choice."
  

• ME " Hun, that’s OK – I would like that as well – which evening suits ?
  

• HER " I’d like to make sure first we are meeting as friends not to sit down and talk about us. If you can do that, then we can meet up. Hope you understand that.
  

• ME " Ok see you on Tuesday"
  

• HER " See you then"
  

　A few hours later I realized what I had done !

Being demoted to a friend status will largely be a waste of everyone's time and really does nothing but prolong each other moving on to future partners - and that’s what true friendship is not about.　The fact she is unwilling to fix this or even simply talk it over, but rather choosing to suddenly end the relationship outright after nine months on the pretext of poor communication, which firmly placed the blame at my doorstep without so much as a proper conversation. I deserved better !This said, I’m happy and satisfied with the fact that trying to be with someone that does not want to work or talk over their frustrations, unlike successful relationships always do through compromise and negotiation where both parties invest in it equally, is futile.　　After seeking advise again, I cancelled our evening politely and explained why sending this

• ME: This is a very difficult decision for me, but its for the best. After consideration of yesterday’s chat, I feel it would be in my best interests not to be friends as I would prefer a relationship and since that isn’t what you want, it better to move on and not be in contact with you any longer. I wish you all the best, take care of yourself"
  

• HER" I understand. I had hoped we could be friends, but I respect your decision. I hope everything continues to be great for you out here. All the best and stay safe"
  

　Yesterday, I bumped into her best friend who she confides in and knows we have split who invited me out tonight and tomorrow for drinks ! Obviously, Im not going.

[lonelyandblue]

I am sorry for your loss, but I believe you did deserve a better explanation than that after a nine month relationship. I must say you speak rather eloquently. Also, it was out of line for her "best" friend to come on to you like that!

[BONO]

Thanks lonely and blue. Her best friend recently got back together with her bf. He was with her yesterday as well !

 

It seems they we inviting me out, but obviously the ex will be there as well. Its interesting though that they would find it appropriate to ask me when they have spoken to her alot the past month.

[chitown9]

Bono, you did the right thing. Just stay strict NC.

[BONO]

Bono, you did the right thing. Just stay strict NC.

 

Thanks ! Its bloody annoying though !

[dramallama]

I think you've made the right decision. Good for you for not settling for less than what you want. You offered to talk things through and she declined. That really is her loss. You know in your heart that you couldn't be friends (99% of dumpees can't be true friends straight away) so all you can do is know that you conducted yourself with dignity and that this path is the best between staying friends with her or not.

[BONO]

Many thank for this !

 

May I ask you a question ? By saying no to being friends and telling then you will be no longer contacting them potentially raise their awareness to the consequences of their decision ?

 

I think you've made the right decision. Good for you for not settling for less than what you want. You offered to talk things through and she declined. That really is her loss. You know in your heart that you couldn't be friends (99% of dumpees can't be true friends straight away) so all you can do is know that you conducted yourself with dignity and that this path is the best between staying friends with her or not.

[dramallama]

Of course it will. By putting up boundaries for yourself, first and foremost, the natural consequence of that is they will be able to feel what life is like without you. Whether it's enough for them to want to come back is another story though, so don't make that your focus.

[BONO]

Of course it will. By putting up boundaries for yourself, first and foremost, the natural consequence of that is they will be able to feel what life is like without you. Whether it's enough for them to want to come back is another story though, so don't make that your focus.

 

Thanks - its not going to be my main focus. I just want to be satisfied that the way I have handled this and moreover telling them its in my best interests to move on sets a place in there mind that overtime might prompt a response.... ?

[dramallama]

Thanks - its not going to be my main focus. I just want to be satisfied that the way I have handled this and moreover telling them its in my best interests to move on sets a place in there mind that overtime might prompt a response.... ?

If they want to contact you, they will. I suppose the odds are in your favour because you're giving her a chance to miss you and have handled this with dignity.

[BONO]

Thanks guys, Im moving on !