Am I doing the right thing?

[Hubble]

New here, just stumbled accross this website looking for similar stories, and figured I'd give it a try. I appologize in advance for the length.

 

The breakup only happened 2 days ago. I know it's very early to be seeking help but this is a woman that I deeply care about, she was my best friend and my lover. We are both 22 years old. We had been dating for almost 4 years now, and things were great. We had the occasional fight or issue, but we worked through them together. She had had issues with me not giving or opening up enough, and I had changed. Not necessarily for her, but to better myself (she had great points, and I knew I could be a better person.)

 

I would often regress after trying so hard, and that's when the issues would occur. At one point she said that she could not see marrying me, and I was devistated. I had effectively 'changed her mind' and become more of the man that she wanted (and I loved it as well - for ME.)

 

We both live at home, her family rather affluent, while mine struggles to get by at times. Issues arose every once in awhile due to money, where she would want to go on trips, and I couldn't afford to provide for her. While we never really fought over money, I always felt that there was some strain because of it.

 

She is studying to become a teacher, and I am working a part time job in IT. She works her ass off in school, and between her very close knit family (while mine is not - This was another major issue,) and her working out and leaving time for friends, we wouldn't hang out very often. It slowly had gotten worse and I would hardly see her. Sexually things also cooled down, most of it had to do with the birth control we figured, but still it was few and far between.

 

She loves to go out, and party, while I am more reserved. We both love relaxing and just watching movies, we were so comfortable together. Another issue was that she felt like when she went out and drank, she had to control herself, because she felt like I would judge her. I tried not to be judgemental, but I had issues with her kissing her girlfriends and dancing with random guys - even if they were "friends." I say that because she had only recently met a lot of her friends through the school she was attending, and some of them were the shady sort.

 

Well now, she had been out of town visiting some friends she met on her annual cruise trip (one of which she had kissed on new years on the cruise - we worked it out but it took awhile, and I had to overcome some jealousy - which i was still working on.) When she returned the other evening she had told me she was just going to sleep early when she got back...I knew something was up and asked her, she played coy for awhile but eventually told me we had to talk, and that she should be happy she wanted to in person.

 

The next day I waited and waited, fearing the worst. Did she hook up with this guy again? Is she deciding to move on? WHAT WHAT WHAT?! She starts out telling me that she loves me, my heart sinks. She tells me that she wants to break up, and gives me no real room to discuss it, other than asking how I felt about it. She cares for me, and wants to remain friends (which I truly believe because she had been upset when we first started dating that her previous BF, one of my best friends, was no longer her friend.) Now she tells me the reason ifor the break up is that she doesn't see us having a future, and doesn't feel right wasting eachother's time, and that it's unfair. She gave me the whole "We're still young" talk, but I don't think that really matters if you truly care about someone. She told me she is just very confused and is trying to find herself, and what she needs.

 

Now I can understand that, there wasn't much for me to say, I did however tell her I thought she was making a mistake, and that there's no reason why she can't just ask me for space or help her find herself. I also told her I couldn't be her friend right away, and joked with her (as per my normal nature) that I had to burn all of the pictures and delete her from Facebook - we're still FB friends btw. She decided that NC would be best, and I agreed. Obviously this is difficult, I care about her, her little picture pops up and she puts up some inspirational quote, or says what her plans for the day are. I do the same, there's really no bitterness here. Although it wasn't a mutual break, I understand that she needs her space to figure herself out.

 

She did however FB message me a little bit ago ( I did'nt respond) saying that if I have anything of hers that she may need/want to just drop it off at her door. I'm probably reading WAY too into this, especially because the breakup is so fresh, but if she really wanted NC, I don't think shed've done this.

 

While I'm working hard to change my life - yes for me - I can't help but want her back, even eventually. While I know friendship will only string things out, and make it harder for me. I truly believe that she is the woman I'm supposed to marry. While I will not break NC I'm afraid that she is too afraid to hurt me to attempt to contact me IF she does decide she made a mistake. I also won't sit around and just wait...I have been out both nights now, met a few nice people, rekindled old friendships, and plan on going out again tonight.

 

I'm trying to give her the space that she asked for, I understand she is confused, and needs to focus herself. I figure NC will atleast show her how life is without me, and vice versa. I don't want to come off as needy or desperate, I want to live my life and hopefully someday soon have a great friend who understands me and is comfortable around me again. So am I doing the right thing? Is there a way to let her know that I am still here, and that she shouldn't be afraid to try and talk to me - without sounding needy or clingy.

 

I'm afraid that her sudden change of heart - about not seeing a future with me (2 months back she had wrote that she couldn't wait to spend the future with me) - has left me confused, and I want to ask her what made her change her mind, but still respect her boundaries.

[H2OBaby]

First of all... I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if she is young (as are you) and just trying to see what is out there. It doesn't sound like she is stringing you along... which says alot about her character. As far as your actions so far... you are doing GREAT! and exactly what you should. Go out, see what else is out there... rekindle friendships, make some new friends and live your life. I wouldn't try to read too much about her message about her things. Just message her back a two line message and say in a VERY friendly manner that sure... I'll drop them off. (if you do have things). Or... if you don't... say that you will keep your eyes out for anything but as of yet, you haven't seen anything. But if she remembers something is at your place to just let you know. Kill her with kindness but don't EVER initiate contact. If you do end up dropping things off... leave a funny note... anything humurous that reminds her of how funny and amusing you are. It always kills us girls when you guys act aloof and like you don't care. She'll start to wonder if you ever did... and if she is still holding you close to her heart, it might bring her back in your life. But by no means jump back into something if she does come back. Give her some time to REALLY beg for you back. If she does come back... Tell her that you agree with her that she needs time to figure things out and give you both some time to think things throughly.

 

Keep us posted! Good luck... and enjoy your time with your friends! Meet some chicks (not that you have to mess around) but women can be a great comfort even as friends and give you a little of what you will miss by hanging out with a girlfriend. They can be great movie buddies and dinner companions without having to be sexual!

[banal]

People change their minds, especially young people, and sometimes they just say things without meaning them. You think that two months is an unbelievably short span of time for her to have changed her mind about having a future with you. My ex went one week from saying that she loved me dearly and that this relationship was the best thing that had ever happened to her...to breaking up with me. You cannot trust words.

 

You're doing quite well for two days dude. Keep it up.

[Hubble]

Sorry in advance, I was typing this on my tablet then it crashed and I lost everything - trying to remember it all scatter brained

 

Tonight actually ended up rather weird, I told her that I would drop off her stuff after work, around 9:15. I was just going to place it in her mail box, text her and be done. I arrived early and she was just getting home, after an awkward couple seconds she asked if we could talk. She wanted to try and clear things up because I had told her when we broke up that I was incredibly confused. She wanted to give me some sort of closure - I think we both wanted it.

 

I gave her some of her clothing that I had, but unfortunately (total accident) forgot to bring back her house key. She told me to hang onto it which was very strange, as long as I promised not to break in (she still has a sense of humor!)

 

We began talking and it felt very natural, I joked a few times and she laughed, but she didn't have a whole lot to say because she had had such little time to think. I understood that but asked a few times if she could think of any reasons as to why this happened. She said that it was really nothing in particular, just a snowball of little things she thinks. She also kept saying that the fact that I was not close with my family caused some issues.

 

I told her that I was not going to try and fight to get her back, or beg her for another chance. For some reason though I kept asking her why she felt that she had to do this all alone, as we had overcome so much in the past. I offered her some support and let her know that I was proud of her for doing this for her, and she was worried that it was a selfish move, to which I reassured her I did not think her selfish.

 

We talked for over an hour about how we both were not very good at breaking up, and how hard it would be etc. She said that she had taken down all the pictures and cards and drawings and put them in the memory box. I had done the same thing earlier (a shoebox will suffice!) Many people argue over whether you should keep these things, eventually they may just be junk in my basement, but I would never forgive myself if I had just thrown them away.

 

We tried to lay out some ground rules, we discussed Facebook and the issues it causes, which we both agreed would be a helpful indirect way of communication, but if either of us began to have difficulty - they could block or defriend no questions asked. We agreed that NC is the right path, as it will only help us find ourselves quicker, but when she said that it should take atleast 6 months it did hurt quite a bit. I told her we should not put a date on it, but just see how things end up. When one of us is ready they can attempt to reach out, and then it's up to the other person to respond or not. She also did mention, as we have a lot of similar friends, that if we were to run into eachother, it would be limited to "Hi." Again this hurt a bit, but I understood.

 

Everything ended on a rather positive note, despite the void we both will be attempting to fill. I know that the NC will be difficult, and I couldn't imagine not being a part of her life and vice versa, but I know it is the right thing. Unfortunately that leaves this post rather short, but I will check back every once in awhile and let you know how I'm doing, and if there has been any contact.

 

Thank you for your support and I hope my story (as it evolves) can help anyone else in a similar situation.

[Hubble]

And just to clarify, I was no saint during this relationship, I often would snap at her for little stupid things. I never rose my voice but I would get aggetated. She hated this and I always felt bad afterwards.

 

I did not like a few of the friends she had made, and often called the men dousche bags. Some of them really were pretty douschey - especially the dude from the cruise she had just gone to visit. I would look for reasons not to like them, which some were justifiable, but I was often scared that they would change her...

 

Several times I had ruined her night by being unpleasant or rude to her, she was very sensitive to "the little things." and it often got in the way.

 

I am rather lazy, and would often refuse her invitations to work out or run or go places, just because I didn't want to. I should've tried harder to make her happy. But it's rather too late for that. The fact is I am aware of it now, not for her sake, but for me.

 

I would appologize and show her that I can be a better man, because I believe I am now (I know it's so soon, but being ACTUALLY aware of the situation, I believe, is entirely different from being TOLD about it.) Unfortunately It took me too long to see this. But I am open minded about the future. Who knows where we'll end up.

[Hubble]

I'm having a rather difficult time believing that it's over - as much as I want to, and am trying to tell myself that things will get better. My life was better with her, she just didn't feel the same anymore. I don't blame her so much, nor myself, although I wish I had tried harder. I've forgiven myself for screwing it up, now I just need to keep trying to move on - as hard as it is...

 

It's just so difficult when so much of my day, revolved around her. At work I couldn't wait to get out to see her, couldn't wait to tell her the funny things that happened, I find myself checking my phone very often.

 

My buddies have planned a vacation coming up in 2 weeks, it will be a week of camping and boozing. I think it will be great for me. As much as I want to go I keep thinking that I won't be able to be available in case she changed her mind lol. I know it's crazy. I feel crazy. But I just can't help it!

[Hubble]

I just realized I had never really given any background on the situation. We were friends since about 7th grade, so around 10 years or so, we had dated during my freshman year, she's a year older, but only 6 months in age. I was immature and couldn't be intimate with her, so the relationship ended rather quickly - maybe 2 or 3 months. After that we were casual friends, we always flirted, but didn't hang out often.

 

We never actually started anything until her birthday, in 2007. We were both drinking (I do not condone illegal drinking, but I'm guilty) and we ended up kissing. It was great, it felt so natural. The issue was that I was having difficulty going from friendship to dating. We would hang out and kiss and snuggle and relax. It was casual, but there were obvious feelings involved. Eventually - about a month and a half later, we decided that we had officially formed a relationship, although it was never really declared.

 

I know that it was not the best start to a relationship, but I felt that building something from a friendship was the right move. However, I never considered the opposite - until now.

[Hubble]

Today I'm trying to decide what to do with the pictures I took on my phone that I "will send to you." - but never did. I don't think it's fair for me to keep these to myself, she is the one with 10k pictures on her computer, not me, she records every moment...just not when she didn't have her camera. That is where I came in. So far I've burnt them to a DVD, and am considering just sending it snail mail to either her, or her sister who I was pretty close with, and asking her to decide what's best...

 

Is this a wrong decision?

 

I'm also debating removing her from facebook, with smart phones and tablets it's SO easy to log on and see her status update, try and dissect it, see if there's any subtle hints or messages to me... I know she'll be able to find another guy, and I dread the day that her status starts to reflect that. Sure I will be tempted to check her fb if I remove her, at least only that one picture that will show up, but I think the feeling should fade with time. Already I have seen a decline in the amount of times I check it (day 1: 1000, day 2:100, day 3: 20, day 4: 5 since I've woken up) and we're still 'friends.'

 

I understand that she dumped me, and that it is her way of saying I don't want you in my life right now, but I can't help but want to at least know that she's happy...

[Hubble]

So I decided that the photos/videos I had on my phone were a burden, and the only way I'd feel better about it, would be to just send them in the mail on a DVD. I wrote a very quick note saying that these were all the pictures I never sent, do with it what you want. Honestly I don't care if she even opens it, looks at the files, copies them to her computer - i'll never know. It just feels good to have actually sent them.

 

I know this is semi-breaking our NC. Ok fine it is breaking it. But I needed to do it, for ME.

 

Now im getting ready to go to a movie, and go out with my buddy downtown to the bars!

 

Peace & Love

[Hubble]

I have decided to wait awhile to send this DVD. I just don't want to send the wrong message. I want to pursue...but I know that it's not the right thing to do. I care about her - i probably always will on some level - so I respect her feelings and needing time alone.

 

As for the facebook thing...i can't make up my mind whether to remove or not... I do get frustrated that she updates her status so much now, basically spelling out her entire day. But I really feel that not knowing, would drive me crazier... The problem I'm currently having with it is that now that I know where she's at 75% of the day it's like oh...what if I just happened to walk by? lol - immature I know, but I can't help but feel that way as this is someone I still want in my life.

 

I realize I have a long way to go before getting completely over this, but I have changed so much of what I believe made me a difficult person, and it feels amazing! I run all the time now, which I've always loved doing...I just was so lazy! I wake up early 6am-8am whereas I used to sleep in until 11-12. I'm eating healthier, eating more, and working out. I'll be joining a gym, and have emailed my boss saying that I will be out of town for a week.

 

I feel great, but every once in awhile I'll see something random, a cup or a pen or my key chain (no way im getting rid of a bottle opener) and have a silent moment of remembrance...but I keep on.

 

It is a journey, of which I am only just beginning.

 

Also, we do live fairly nearby, about 5 blocks down a major road. A road which I run everyday. I started it before we BU, there is a lot of traffic so it's nice and breezy, it's almost exactly 1 mile long...but I often hope she drives by. I know this is not good for me...but I don't feel like I should have to adjust my life to accommodate her. Eventually I won't care if she sees me or not. But she dumped me, I don't owe her anything...but I will try and respect NC (does that make me a hypocrite? - wanting to respect NC but clearly breaking it)

[Oasiswater]

The way you are handling this breakup is very unhealthy, to say the least.

 

You need to get her off of your facebook. Knowing, and taking mental note of her daily routine is borderline stalker, and you might find yourself obsessing about it soon if you don't cut it out. It's best to leave a memory, a memory. If you happen to run into each other on the street, then great, it's just a coincidence. But even though you're only slightly entertaining the idea in your head, the thought of "trying to run into her," is bad for both you and her.

 

You're almost treating this break-up like a game of cat and mouse. When in fact, you need to come to the realization that she dumped you because she doesn't want to be with you. Actions speak a lot louder than words, and although she said she loves you still, and she cares about you, etc., she wouldn't dump you if she really loved you.

 

Separate yourself from this girl completely (for her sake and for yours), and just start moving on.

[Hubble]

I appreciate the honesty. I will be removing her from my friends, and most of her friends/family as well.

 

It's been difficult since we talked and she mentioned that she often wants to text and tell me about her day, her plans, etc., as we have done for the last 4 years. I often feel like her status updates, which have increased by like 200% are "meant" for me to read.

 

I realize now that this is totally the wrong way to go about it, and will just honor the NC with absolute silence.

 

Now the feelings will just have to work away slowly...I've been super busy, so it may not be as hard as I thought it would be. It's just those weak moments that I almost dream of speaking with her, hearing her laugh, that i wish i would run in

[dolorosa]

The faster you let it go the better you will feel. It took me two months to realised I was being pathetic and sad by stalking my ex. The truth is they leave because they do not love you anymore and you have to always remember that. When someone loves yuo, there is never an easy way out, they stay with you for good and bad. I know how hard it is and believe me I was doing so much stalking I am able to laugh at it now (the stuff we do, I even sent his best friend a message) but honestly let go, great life ahead.

[Hubble]

I appreciate it, I've made great strides in the few days from the BU.

 

It is hard, especially seeing our friends and re-telling the story. I know I don't have to, but the fact is that it's still confusing, and it helps me to try and understand it. Also from what I'm hearing - I don't ask about her, mutual friends just tell me ](*,) - she is having an even worse time.

 

I continue to be open minded, I've met several people, I'm actually crashing a wedding reception tonight, and hopefully I'll be able to meet a few nice people.

 

I love this new me, crashing weddings, meeting new people, healthy, active. This is the me I wanted to be, but now I'm doing it for the right reason, ME!

 

Maybe one day I can show my friend this new me - but only time will tell

[Hubble]

So the holiday weekend has gone and passed... Was having some issues Sunday

 

But am feeling pretty good now.

 

After I had texted her out of a moment of drunken weakness, on the evening of July the 3rd, I got no response. I was devistated at first, as I had been hoping for ANYTHING, but I got absolutely nothing. Nothing, from the girl who would call me a week before telling me what she was eating, or what her dog just did. Still hard to accept that I mean so little to her now, no longer #1.

 

4th of July parade was one our things, but this year, I went with a buddy. As I was leaving I noticed she was sitting with her family, in "our" old spot. I quickly hustled past and just continued on... As I was leaving, walking down this big long road that is pretty much the center of town, I called up my buddy because I had lost him at some point. He said that he was down at the intersection I had just come from, so I stopped and turned around - and who do I see coming up, X + family. I pannick and just stand there on the phone, repeating myself to him atleast 5 times - I had no clue what the hell to do hahaha.

 

She smiles and they all take turns saying "Hi 'A' Happy fourth!" yadayada, I smiled and said you too.

 

So I'm just standing there, playing through a dozen scenarios in my head. But I decided to just walk to meet up with my buddy. Now - He's not the brightest guy - and 4 years my Junior, but I've known him since he was so young, I feel like he's a brother. I go to the Intersection and he's not there...So I call him and ask him where the hell he is. He got confused and told me the wrong interscetion, he's a mile east, the direction I was heading originally. Life has a funny way of making me miserable. I laugh about it now, but at the time running into them hit me pretty hard. Especially the fact that she was on the phone discussing her plans for the night as she walked past. Voice in my head was screaming "WHO IS SHE TALKING TO?! WHAT IS SO FUNNY?! IS IT A GUY?!" and after she passed she goes "O nothing - just ran into 'a'" - NOTHING?! GAAAAAAAH! I took a second to regain composure after that...

 

I'm also glad I didn't decide to sit near "our" old spot.

 

4th was pretty good until the fireworks, I couldnt help but tear up a bit.

 

It's been a little over a week since BU, I have no clue how she's really feeling, if she's taking this time to actually figure herself out - and I most likely will never find out. And right now, I'm okay with that.

 

Something that does bother me right now though is the fact that her new friends that she made within the last year don't really like me, so I highly doubt there's any motivation from them to reconcile. Whereas my friends all love her and most of them genuinely care about them, I talk to and hang out with all of our mutual childhood friends, and she has all these strangers. And I know that if she really wants it, she will contact me, but it's a lot different if her friends are talking me up - out of their own will that is.

[Hubble]

So I've been continuing to work on me. I have been working out and running regularly, eating more healthy, going out and meeting great people.

 

I'm taking the break up a lot better than I thought I would...I just keep telling myself that this is the right thing (NC) and that one day I'll know why.

 

I had been struggling the other day with the DVD of pictures and videos I had told her I'd send her throughout the relationship - but never did. I said f'it and just ran it over, dropped it in her mailbox with a sticky note saying pretty much, "here's the pictures, better late than never, keep them if you want, I just didn't feel right not sending them." I didn't expect any response, as it's been 5 days since we last spoke, and I was ok with nothing. Get home and I see on FB message (she's not blocked, just defriended) "thanks for the pictures." to which I responded "you're welcome." that's it. done. and I feel great.

 

Now that doesn't mean I'll be contacting her anymore, I just had to get this weight off my chest. - speaking of, I have been seeing a counselor, and he suggested that I had been unfair to these new friends she had made. He suggested just mentioning to those that I felt I had wronged, that I was sorry and wasn't consciously being mean to them. I contacted one of the guys I had blown up @, and he was surprised but accepting. Now I also contacted (fb message - not chat) X's best friend, and told her I never intended to be mean, and that I don't expect a response, but I just wanted to clarify. To which, I did get no response, but that's ok. Atleast I don't feel bad about that anymore and that's what it's all about!

[Unknownxl]

I personally think your doing an awesome job. It hurts but your not contacting her. My ex keeps trying to call me and it takes everything for me not to answer and not to call her back. We had been seeing each other and its nice, but after everytime she has told me it was a mistake and she doesnt want to be with me. So im basically being punished for allowing her to come over haha. But anyways it seems like your doing whats right and I hope for the best for you.

[Hubble]

Wow, I don't know where to start - I don't even know what to think right now... I'll try and keep it short - but I'm not very good at that.

 

So last night I went downtown with some buddies, old friends, and an old friend who was visiting. The old friend, we'll call him R, kept texting my X saying that she should come by where we were at, but failed to mention to her that I was there. So my X shows up around 1:30am, by then I was feeling pretty good. I had had a pretty great night, but as soon as I saw her I just didn't know what to do. I ignored her at first. I decided that I wouldn't let that ruin my night, bought another round of shots, and was being my happy self. Next thing I know she's storming out crying.

 

I chased.

 

We talked, she brought up the relationship, I tried to steer it away, but it was clearly not going anywhere else. We talked for 2 hours outside on the street, we both cried a bit, hashed things out and tried to clarify how we felt. I told her about the changes I've made, she was happy for me. She had been on 2 dates (which both crashed and burned,) and I wasn't even mad... She told me how miserable she's been, how she didn't care if she got hurt tonight (scary * * * * ,) telling me how sorry she is, but that the BU is for her good. She wants to give me another chance, but she doesn't think that I will change for the long haul. So we talked, and talked, all of our friends left. We ended up getting a hotel room -- we talked, we kissed, and I did not let anything more physical happen.

 

She's telling me she's so confused, she needs time to herself, to work out her issues, to just go out and meet new people, and become happy by herself again. I kept telling her I understand, but that I want to show her this new me, this new me that can last...

 

The whole thing has just left me sort of numb. I asked her for a date, just a date, as friends, she said yes right away, and seemed so ecstatic. Unfortunately she changed her mind saying that she needed more time because her feelings aren't going away.

 

I figure I will give her a month or so, keep working on me, and see where she's at. See if there's a chance for a date, and if it's too late - I can completely be alright with that.

 

I am aware that this will just screw with the whole process of getting over her, but it's going to be a long while before that completely happens - if it ever fully happens - anyway, so I may as well try.

 

She also doesn't seem to be actually listening to me when i tell her how I feel, she thinks I hate her, and can't seem to stop thinking that...

[Hubble]

I should also clarify that the hotel room was in response to her freaking out, saying she would only walk home (atleast an 8 hour walk) and saying that she didnt want me to help her, but that I shouldnt leave her alone. She was also threatening to walk on the highway, I didn't want her to hurt herself, and I definitely did not want to leave her alone...

 

It was just an absolute emotional roller coaster, she was up and telling me she'd be willing to give me another chance, then saying that it would never work...

 

I've just got to give her time.

[Hubble]

Well I guess this is all getting TL;DR for most people, but I'm going to keep at it because it helps me to read over and get a sense of things.

 

 

After the other day I felt pretty down, like we had just broken up all over again. I was worried about the previous night, how she had mentioned she didnt care if she hurt herself, and that she was so depressed and hadn't done much since the BU. I called her the other day after work and just let her know I was worried, and that she should not think like that, or hesitate bringing it up (she has seen a therapist for years.)

 

She texted me after we talked on the phone for like 10 minutes, saying not to worry, she wouldn't put anyone through any pain of her doing anything stupid. She also followed up with the cookie cutter "wish you the best of luck in your life, and we'll talk in the future." Both of which I decided not to respond, because this was pretty much how our phone call 20 minutes before had ended.

 

Now fast forward to today, I have been helping her grandmother with her computers for some time now. X-Grandma called me this morning (obviously has not heard the news) and I went over to her place later in the day. I struggled not telling her, but I didn't. I was just my normal cheery self. If it ever comes up between X and X-grandma they can have that conversation, it's not mine to have. I worked on her computers and there really was no issues with my feelings, I thought I might become a mess but I was more or less fine.

 

It sort of scares me how 'alright' I am, most of the time, about this whole situation.

 

I know that I love her, she makes me a better person, and I genuinely care for her...but right now I'm not crying, I'm not heavy hearted, I'm just living, and trying to fill my free time. It hurts every now and then, but for some reason I'm OK with the fact that maybe some day we can be friends again....I'm definitely not 'over' this relationship, but am I moving on? accepting the present and not worrying about the future? I would do anything to see her, and hold her, but I'm not sad that I can't right now.

 

This is just confusing at this point. I still check my phone now and again hoping she texts, and I will struggle not texting her family - their power is out due to storms and in the past I opened my house to them for showers and food/tv if they needed it. I also have a large generator. - but I didn't send any texts.

 

 

 

EDIT: I just checked my e-mail and realized that my X forwarded me tickets to a concert that I had purchased but put under her email address. The concert is not until October. At this point...I could NOT go with anyone else, we went last year and it was amazing - we bought these back in february as soon as they became available. I don't know what to do with them, when we broke up she brought it up, and I told her to keep them and take her sister or something... I want to forward them back and tell her to use them, but I'm thinking I'll just hold onto them. Maybe we can go together as friends, as it is a few months away...I'm not hoping for anything, but I'm not going to completely ignore the chance that it is possible. If not I'll bring one of my buddies and make him promise not to try and make a move on me, or tell anyone that we went. haha!

[Hubble]

So she texted me a little while ago saying that she sent me an email, and that she's just letting me know.

 

She KNOWS i check my email almost hourly. I didn't respond to the email (see above post - she just forwarded me concert tickets, nothing special.)

 

I've decided to not respond to the text. IF I do, it will be "thanks, got it." or something to that effect. There really was no reason for her to send this text, some will say breadcrumbs (most won't say anything from the trend of how I've written in here near-alone,) but I don't mind responding. I'd give it time, and keep it short and friendly. Due to the fact that we're 'on good terms.' Despite the fact that

[Hubble]

HAHA the great thing about the tickets link that she sent me, is it needs a login to print them...

Guess I'll be having to contact her eventually. *sigh*

The question is - the Concert is in October, do I hold onto this, knowing that eventually I will need to contact her... Or do I just get it over with?

 

 

 

Right this moment, I'm feeling insane. A buddy of mine left his facebook up when I was at his house, and I just snapped, I couldn't help it. It's all random guys I've never met, and she has just met, and her saying how happy she is. I feel like complete * * * * right now. The other day when she was crying, telling me that she's had the worst week of her life, and that she's so down she's thought of hurting herself (but wouldn't ACTUALLY,) I don't even know what to believe.

 

I * * * * ed up by looking at that * * * * . Right now my mind is just racing.

 

Keep trying to just tell myself that tomorrow is a new day, it'll take time. But I want answers! - Patience damnit! I should just sleep, let this feeling pass over, don't do anything I'm going to regret.

I keep wanting to make some grand gesture, because I feel like the fact that I DIDN'T show how much I cared all this time, is just getting reinforced by the NC. Grrrrrrr. Conflicting emotions going on right now. Should just sleep.

[EhLoui]

Hubble. I just finished reading all your entries and wanted to pitch in with my point of view. So far, I think you have been doing everything quite well. I find it admirable that you've taken the break up as a mean to better yourself like you said by eating healthier, running more often or just by socializing.

 

And it also amazes me that during all the contact you've had with her you have kept your cool for the most part (although I am dubious about the hotel room part).

 

However, and being in a similar situation to yours, I think that you haven't given yourself and her enough time to recover from the break up. You still need to distance yourself from her up to a point where you don't hear from her, you don't "peek" into her facebook or mind her status updates. A position where the most important person is you and you alone. I have been thinking that if two people will eventually find their way back with each other, it needs to be almost as if it were a whole new relationship with a whole new person. As long as the hurt or bitterness from the break up linger within either of you two, getting back together might spell disaster, or at least a VERY rocky path to go through.

 

You should reach a mindset where you are in balance with yourself and your life, where she holds little to no emotional reaction towards her. That is when, I think, you will be able to see her for who she is and see you for who you are and decide what is the best path to take.

 

Good luck with everything in this situation! And remember that regardless of what happens: Life-goes-on!

[Hubble]

EhLoui, thank you for your response, I am feeling pretty great about myself.

 

The Hotel room incident confuses the * * * * out of me, I don't know what her motives were, but I didn't want to see her get hurt. She was talking about some scary crap, and with her history of depression I wasn't taking this lightly. Especially the fact that I once attempted when I was younger (Oh the choices that we make.)

 

I would agree that more time is needed, but I doubt that my feelings will go away. We had been friends for so long before hand, and I always knew I cared about her, I distanced myself from her at times just to try and figure out why I felt that way. Maybe one day I'll get over it, but it won't be easy. For 7 years I was able to care for her, but not be intimate, or spend every waking minute with her, and I know I can do it again...eventually.

 

 

 

I've been interviewing for jobs as a means to better myself, I've become too comfortable doing the same old garbage job without really achieving anything. This will help me afford a better car, and hopefully move into my own apartment, as I currently rent from my parents (at least I'm not a freeloader!) I believe these will be key aspects to really finding myself, and creating a happier me.

 

Excited for the future.

 

 

 

P.S. Thank you for reading all the way through it, let's me know it's not complete drivel, it can at least hold someone's attention for an hour or so

[Hubble]

So I had a pretty decent breakthrough with my counselor, he suggested that the reason why I was so held back in the relationship, not planning events, not showing her how much she truly meant to me, etc.. was because of my own personal insecurities. I work at a job I loathe, I took a year off of college (and haven't been back yet) because I just wasn't proud of myself and my achievements, and I was going paycheck to paycheck to try and provide a 'fun' relationship (going to concerts, dinner, movies etc..) I also have always not thought myself attractive, despite what people tell me, I'm skinny, I can't sing, I play instruments, but am pretty terrible at them. I also give up too easily and lack self motivation.

 

I am aware that it's near impossible to truly love someone else, and express it, if you don't love yourself.

 

Now that I am fully aware of these situations, I believe that it will be even easier for me to overcome.

The hardest part is the more I discover about myself, the more I want to share with my x...

 

One day

 

I also brought up with my counselor if he thought it was too soon to just go out on a date. He said that I'll know when I'm ready, if It's something I have to force, it will never work out. I brought up my x and that she had attempted dating, and how terrible they were (or so she said.) He tries to be objective, and not try and influence me, but he believes that this may be beneficial to eventual reconciliation...As long as she's not going out and just completely changing herself and going crazy (I forget how he phrased it, but it was much more intellectual,) it may help her realize that "although there may be more fish in the sea, they're not all trophy fish" (I would say keepers, but his version makes me feel better about myself haha!)

 

I also will do more of a NiC approach, and not put myself out there to be hurt. Also when responding I will have to remember that this person chose not to be with me. It's definitely a delicate balance, but I'll work on it.