tired of bestfriend lying and hurting about it, what do I do?

[sickandtiredof]

Hi, I'm new here. I have a bestfriend who I'll call Scarlett and we have been through a huge range of issues that I used to think just made us closer as friends, however, one of the things I have always tolerated or tried to never bring attention to is the fact that she lies, and not just about anything in particular. She lies to my face about an affair. I was married and believe that possibly my then husband had cheated on me in the end of our relationship and Scarlett was always there for me. she herself was working on not being with 'married man' anymore and together we were being strong. I was encouraged to not be with a man who would do this to me and I turned to her for support and encouragement even though I knew she was leaving a married man...or so I thought. I found signs that she was lying to me shortly after but when she was confronted (when i had the courage to confront her) she would get mad, turn things around so I felt bad, lie more, change the subject in circles so that the topic was then on something else, etc. etc. I was completely HURT by this as she was the one who helped me not be cheated on, but then its ok for her to continue ruining someone elses marriage? This has been going on for several years now and I'm at my wits end and want to be done with her...but something keeps holding me to the friendship. Just recently she told me she had to work all night and I was feeling bad for her losing her weekend to working until I realized, she's lying!! I gave her chances to be honest but she didn't take them. She was out with married man again and here I was being told lies and feeling bad. I confronted her because i'm tired of being silently angry and of course nothing has been talked about since because she doesn't want to talk about it. She likes to pretend I'm spewing BS or ignores it or whatever she does to make it ok in her head. What do I do? She is the friend who, aside from the lies and affair, that I laugh the most with and that i spend a lot of time with, but I can't handle this anymore and obviously it will never change. You can't make or help a person change if they don't want to change. If walking away is best, how do I do that? I hate hurting her feelings and I know she has no one (other than married man) if I'm not there, her family is far and she doesn't have any other close friends. what do I do? I always feel so torn and hurt and angry and yet I think of something fun I want to do and she's the first person I want to ask to go with me!!! I think half the problem is me!!!!!!

[Kitkat973]

She's an adult and she makes her own decisions. I know that her actions have been hurtful, but they haven't been directed at you. With that said, it's up to you if you feel like you can maintain a friendship with someone who does things that you don't approve of.

 

I would try to talk to her calmly about her lying and explain why you feel it's damaging your relationship with her, but I think that the lying and her affair is somewhat a separate matter.

[sickandtiredof]

Thanks for the thoughts. I think maybe I could have offered a little more information that might have helped with what bothers me, but I do see your point of view and will keep it in mind.

[rosephase]

Only you get to choose if hold your friends to your own moral code. But it makes since that she is lying. If she wants you as a friend (and she isn't willing to give up the married guy) she has to hide it. That sucks and it's no fun to be around someone who is lying to you, but you need to make a choice either you deal with the fact that your friend is having this relationship or you choose not to be friends with her because of that.

 

If you want to be her friend tell her you don't want to hear about it (or whatever you want, for me when friends make choices I'm worried will hurt them I like to know about what is going on so I can keep offering another option) but that lying hurts your trust in her.

 

If you can't handle this choice of hers then don't. Walk away and don't make a big deal out of it. Maybe even drop her a note letting her know the issues you are having.

 

There are plenty of people I care about that make choices I don't support. I let them know and I move on. There are some that simply can't be closer friends because our values are too different. And there are some choices a friend can make that are simply too painful to be around.

[sickandtiredof]

Thanks. If he wasn't abusive to her, it would be easier to walk away but I'm the only one who knows and therefore the only one who she has to turn to and I would feel horrible if she needed help and I wasn't there. If she would just talk to me I think it would help our friendship...we are the friends who when people meet us they think we have been friends since grade school, its so hard to just walk away and I really don't want too, I just want honesty and to talk and be treated with respect (she slept with him in my home). I take what both of you have said to heart and will keep the advice in mind. Thanks.