Update - things didn't turn out well

[mxpinky]

For background, we are 25 & 27, dated 18 months. After a year in, I wanted to discuss commitment (engagement/marriage in the next 1-3 years) and see where he was at with the idea. He hesitated. After 6 months of hoping he'd come around, my feelings turned to resentment (a lot of asking myself, what's wrong with me, why i'm not good enough, etc etc) when I'm normally a very positive person. 6 weeks ago, after seeing yet another couple (younger, dated less) engaged I got really PO and said I'd had enough, its over.

 

2 wks later he comes back, asked me for more time. I gave it to him. He said he'll make sure to have an answer for me by July. This Saturday he tells me he still couldn't come to terms about marriage but that our relationship was very special to him. I know he wants friendship. Part of me thinks, as a commitment phobe, he just wants to unload his guilt and make himself feel better by offering me friendship. Part of me feels like he may come around, when the time is right and he is ready for commitment, so we should try the whole friendship thing after some time.

 

What do you think? Especially from those who are older and have more experience. I haven't talked to him. He's emailed me and texted to see how I've been doing but I've just ignored it all.

[tresqua]

I think you're being unreasonable asking for that sort of commitment after only a year however I respect your right to choose your own timeline. Just don't make it all about ultimatums because even if he buys into it, he'll resent you for it and it won't end well.

[TakingtheBlame]

I wouldn't call him a commitmentphobe because he's not sure he wants to get engaged after knowing you for a year. Even for me, at 30, a year is way too short for me to honestly know whether I could marry someone. I agree with tresqua in that you have a right to your own timeline and should not settle for less if it's important to you, but you can't and shouldn't force someone else into sharing that timeline because it is not equally reasonable to everyone.

[doiiiieeezie]

I'm 35 and the thought of getting married after 6 months or a year would scare me.

 

My "ex"/whatever is a commitment phobe to the core, but a self admitted one. By that, he tries to find excuses why things will not work out within the first 2 months. I have seen him do this in many relationships. You simply scared the person, when really everyone has their own pace, so I don't think he is what you claim. Are you looking to get married just to do so?

[bulletproof]

Forget labeling someone a commitment-phobe- that term gets thrown around way too much. Clearly he was committed enough to stay in a relationship for a year with you. I personally don't think a year is a long time, and I'm 39. I also think it's detrimental to compare yourself with a younger couple who has been together a shorter period of time. Their relationship has nothing to do with yours- who knows how it will turn out for them? It sounds a little like you are just viewing the marriage as a goal, without thinking of the relationship itself and how that is satisfying or not.

 

I don't think friendship is the answer, but you could continue to date unless you are absolutely certain that his ambivalence about marriage right now is a deal-breaker.

[Rob1000]

Basically you're ruining what could be the happiest relationship of your life just because you want what those around you have. Do you even love him or do you just want to be married or engaged? If I was him, I'd run a thousand miles from you. If you love him to the point of wanting to marry and spend the rest of your life with him, you'll give him every chance. Love is infinitely more than just a relationship status, like you seem to view it.

[mxpinky]

Thank you for your replies. I'll try to be as nice as possible in this post but right now I'm feeling upset so I hope it doesn't come out that way.

 

After a year in, I didn't say "marry me or else." I wanted to know his view on it, I wanted to know where he would stand. In the beginning, he had said he was looking for a stable relationship and to settle down. I didn't make a plan that "ok, by day 365 I will have the talk with him." It just so happened that 15 months in, we found ourselves at an engagement party and he asked me what kind of ring I'd like. That triggered all sorts of warm happy feelings. Of course I could see myself spending my life with him. We already got along like a married couple. I never planned on giving an ultimatum. I grew frustrated that he wouldn't even talking about it.

 

There was no "I do want to get married. Let's have 2 more years of getting to know one another, let me accomplish XYZ first." I was willing to compromise but he had to be willing to talk. But after 6 months of talking to a wall, what could I do? When I brought up that I was feeling upset, it was pressure. I guess I could've shut up about it but my feelings are my feelings. Resentment brew because I became insecure about it all. He knows I'm not wanting to get married straight away. It was always "in a few years" or "2-3 years" once I get my career going.

 

In regards to the posts above, it isn't up to me now. At all. We're broken up. *sigh*

[mcholmes2011]

Okay, for the record, I've never seen a man hesitate to propose when he thinks he's found the woman he wants to marry. History is full of stories of BF/GF who stay together for years, and as soon as they break up, one of them is getting married to another person. You really don't want to go through that pain. You should keep ignoring his texts until you've gotten your head together about what you really want from this relationship. (By the way, the more you ignore him, the more desperate he'll seem to be; enjoy being chased for as long as it lasts, and don't go for the okey-doke) Then you have to find inside of you the courage to JUST SAY NO and walk away. You want marriage and he doesn't. Simple as that.

 

But there's nothing wrong with you and what you want. After all, he's more than happy to take what he wants (i.e., a permanent booty call by making you promises of marriage). So you want marriage? Good, healthy, honest. Will being married make you happy? Okay. Did you think about being married before you met him? Fine. Do you have to marry him to be happy? Of course not.

 

First, know what marriage is, it's a business and personal commitment. Chose a husband who you could trust as a business partner, a husband shares your likes and dislikes, values and beliefs. Just make sure it's what you really want, and don't want marriage for the sake of saying you're married. And my parting words, cut him lose before he destroys your belief in love and marriage.....

[Kitkat973]

From what you've said, it comes down to a difference in goals. If you're asking if marriage is something that he sees in the cards for you, and he's said that it isn't, then I don't think that breaking up is necessarily a bad decision.

[faithful14]

so he won't tell you why he doesn't want to marry you?

[mxpinky]

I really believe it wasn't that he didn't want to marry me. It was always "I'm not ready. I don't know why. I think the feeling should've came naturally. But it hasn't and I don't know why it hasn't." He has already tried/trying therapy but, as of last Saturday, he still can't come to terms about marriage. With me or in general.

[sunnz]

Men would rather be the ones to initiate the marriage suggestion rather then having the female pressure them into getting married by this or that time frame...it is an unrealistic approach...marriage is a big thing and this isn't about commitment phobe *at all* that phrase is overused and just an excuse to try and label the guy...people really want to be 100% sure they are ready and he is very wise to be cautious...too many people get married for the party afterwards and to do what everyone else is doing...

 

One thing men don't like is an ultimatum and that goes for *everyone*...no one wants to be told what...when ...how to do things or when...with their own life...

 

And 18 months is hardly enough time being together...I was in a 12 year relationship and I still did not want to be married even though my ex at the time wanted it...it is a big commitment...

[bulletproof]

It just so happened that 15 months in, we found ourselves at an engagement party and he asked me what kind of ring I'd like.

 

So he was obviously considering something like marriage if he asked you that. I think maybe he was testing the waters with that question, and maybe you should have let it lie and seen what other conclusions he would come to. But you are right, you are broken up now, so all you can do is stand somewhat firm in what you want. If he continues to ask for friendship, just explain that you want a relationship with him, not a friendship, and that it should be a relationship in which you can at least theoretically discuss the idea of getting married sometime in the future. I do believe in being honest about what you want, but sometimes you have to ask if what you want is necessarily reasonable and takes both people's feelings into consideration. It's definitely a fine line but that's part of navigating a relationship- knowing when to push but also knowing when to back off.

[faithful14]

It's tricky because on the one hand a year and half is a bit too short (in my opinion) to talk about marriage but at the same time, you do have a right to know where you stand so you don't risk wasting more time if he's not that serious.

[chitown9]

I really believe it wasn't that he didn't want to marry me. It was always "I'm not ready. I don't know why. I think the feeling should've came naturally. But it hasn't and I don't know why it hasn't." He has already tried/trying therapy but, as of last Saturday, he still can't come to terms about marriage. With me or in general.

 

This part.^

 

He could keep up with saying he's not ready until the cows come home. He can't come to terms about marriage with you or in general. Now it is time to go strict NC. Who knows when he will be ready...so don't let any grass grow under your feet.

[mcholmes2011]

Men would rather be the ones to initiate the marriage suggestion rather then having the female pressure them into getting married by this or that time frame...it is an unrealistic approach...marriage is a big thing and this isn't about commitment phobe *at all* that phrase is overused and just an excuse to try and label the guy...people really want to be 100% sure they are ready and he is very wise to be cautious...too many people get married for the party afterwards and to do what everyone else is doing...And 18 months is hardly enough time being together...I was in a 12 year relationship and I still did not want to be married even though my ex at the time wanted it...it is a big commitment...

 

I repeat--I never saw any man who met the woman they wanted to marry hesitate to propose--the time they've been together doesn't matter one bit. All this stuff about 18 months being too short a time is ridiculous. A person should at least be honest. An intelligent person can invent a million reasons why they don't want to get married. If a man has been with one woman a long time and doesn't want to marry her, why doesn't he just tell her "I don't want to ever get married to you." Because things will quickly get ugly, she'll leave, the party's over, that's why. That's where the idiom "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk free" comes from. Only certain kinds of people could live with themselves knowing they're drinking the milk every day but don't intend to pay for it....

[LaceWing]

When I first read OP's post....I thought of the "Why Men Marry * * * * * es" book...because it highlights one of the mistakes women make is asking "where is this going?", "why don't you want to marry me?", "why aren't you asking me to marry you yet?" and any other variation the mind can think up. And apparently it's a mistake because it makes a woman seem needy, and like she's trying to "trap" him, rather than him initiating the marriage proposal freely knowing this is the woman he wants to truly win over and keep.

 

I'd recommend reading that book to any woman in all honesty.

[Silverbirch]

^^^ I was thinking the exact same thing too. Good book.

[Silverbirch]

That's where the idiom "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk free" comes from. Only certain kinds of people could live with themselves knowing they're drinking the milk every day but don't intend to pay for it....

 

And at least one woman has been known to respond to that with: "Why buy the whole pig when all you want is a bit of sausage." I like it

[lolgirl]

Are we dating the same guy?? I am in the exact same boat. He too took me engagement ring shopping but then a month later, said that hes not ready to marry anytime soon. My insecurities started affecting me and I knew it would bleed over into our relationship. So I ended things about a week ago.

 

You made the right decision! Theres no point in dragging out a relationship for years and years, thats assuming if he even gets his head out of his netherregions. And someone else had a good point...why wait on HIS terms? Kudos to you for finally taking the right steps in moving on.