To get things in perspective...

[woodsrose10]

I'm sure we've all gotten this kind of advice at one point:

 

• "Snap out of it."
  
• "It can't be that bad."
  
• "Don't let it get to you."
  
• "Grin & bear it and let it blow over."
  
• "Get over it."
  
• "Do something else to get your mind off it."
  
• "You just need to get out there and be more active with your time."
  

 

Whenever someone gave this type of advice to me, it hurt really badly, and made me feel like my problems weren't important or genuine.

 

I'm just curious if anyone else has felt the same way when given this type of advice, or if any of these statements actually did help to get things in perspective with problems. The past few days I've been thinking about how often I've gotten this type of advice, and I honestly don't see how such statements could genuinely help anyone with a problem, much less make them feel better about it. Feedback wanted/welcome!

[hexaemeron]

I'm going to ask something and I do not want you to take offense, because it's not at all intended to be offense. Okay, disclaimer over.

 

Question: Have you considering the possibility (Really honestly gave it full consideration) that how you feel...is wrong? I've seen your posts here and one -could- draw the conclusion that you openly victimize yourself to get attention if you feel you're not being validated enough. I'm sure that's not the case, but a case for it could certainly be made.

 

If everything sends you over the edge... it surely can't be the world, right?

[Batya33]

I think it depends how it is said, who says it and it what context. Sometimes you have to forgive people for getting to a point of exasperation/frustration and letting that slip out. And I cut slack to people like my mom.

[sidehop]

I guess it would depend on the state of mind of people you talk to and the one hurting are in at any given time. You have so many factors to consider as well as if the victim is genuinely seeking help or like Hex said, victimizing themselves to the point where people just simply stop giving any advice.

[annie24]

Depends on what you are upset over. If it's over a guy or breakup, yes, breakups really do hurt. But imagine someone who is going through some worse pains - like the tornado victims in Joplin, or people who lost everything in a natural disaster, etc... At least your home isn't a pile of rubble and you have no where to go.

[woodsrose10]

I'm going to ask something and I do not want you to take offense, because it's not at all intended to be offense. Okay, disclaimer over.

 

Question: Have you considering the possibility (Really honestly gave it full consideration) that how you feel...is wrong? I've seen your posts here and one -could- draw the conclusion that you openly victimize yourself to get attention if you feel you're not being validated enough. I'm sure that's not the case, but a case for it could certainly be made.

 

If everything sends you over the edge... it surely can't be the world, right?

 

Which posts are you referring to?

 

And by this recent post, when I was younger I had a lot of emotional issues ~ crying for "no reason" when the weather got warm, venting how much I hated my life when I got beat up at school, how girls targeted me saying that I broke up couples.

 

Crying for no reason advice: "You have sensitive feelings. You're not depressed, you just need to be more active, so snap out of it."

Saying how much I hated my life advice: "We should send you down to Bosnia, see how you'd like that."

Girls targeting me advice: "I wouldn't worry about it if I were you."

 

In case you're wondering, yes, I do suffer from depression and anxiety.

[woodsrose10]

I posted this forum because I was having a depression episode recently, and it made me remember how I got so much empty advice that rarely helped. (Thankfully, one of the people who gave me such advice has apologized for belittling my problem.)

[woodsrose10]

Have you considering the possibility (Really honestly gave it full consideration) that how you feel...is wrong?

 

What do you mean by "wrong"?

[annie24]

What sort of advice did you find helpful?

[woodsrose10]

What sort of advice did you find helpful?

 

One woman when I told her about how girls were accusing me of breaking up a couple, she shuddered and said, "Ugh, you poor thing! That's horrible!"

[woodsrose10]

One woman when I told her about how girls were accusing me of breaking up a couple, she shuddered and said, "Ugh, you poor thing! That's horrible!"

 

Granted, that's not really "advice", but it sure made me feel better about the situation. She was offering me genuine sympathy and showed that she cared.

[annie24]

Granted, that's not really "advice", but it sure made me feel better about the situation. She was offering me genuine sympathy and showed that she cared.

 

True, most people want sympathy and want to feel like they have support/friends. But remember that not everyone will be like that - especially people who are not your friends.

 

to "put things in perspective" - when some people offer advice, they are trying to help you avoid this situation in the future. ie - what are things you can do to stop this same thing from happening again?

 

As for your "breaking up other couples' example" - all i say is some people like drama, so just stay away from that. don't feed into it. young women especially like to be catty and gossip so stay away from people who do that. don't stoop to their level.

[Firiel]

I can see how you'd feel that. Often, when something is bothering me (usually guilt or self-hatred), people pointing out how awesome my life is just makes me feel more guilty and evil for being depressed when my life is, statistically speaking, great.

 

One wise friend of mine once said, "Just because you broke your finger and I broke my leg doesn't make your finger hurt any less." Remember that you DO have it good in life and take comfort in that, but don't let your good life make you feel guilty for being in pain yourself...

[Seraphim]

I think there is a place for comfort AND a place for advice. Sometimes when we have been given comfort we become complacent, and stay in woeisme, then it is time for advice that actualiy makes us get out of our comfort zone and teaches us to become proactive.

 

Remember though not everyone is going to give you sympathy but that does not mean they do not care or that their advice is not constructive, it just might not be in your comfort zone.

[Kitkat973]

There isn't one single way that people deal with things, but a lot of people tend to assume that there is. It can make it difficult for people who do have more difficulty with issues like depression, anxiety, sensory processing disorders, etc.

 

It's easy for someone on the outside to tell someone to buck up, or that it really isn't anything, but sometimes it is something. A normal person can have a door blown shut by the wind and just startle a bit. For me, I'm an absolute mess for fifteen minutes, and I can be unsettled for the rest of the day. I'm sure that if I asked people who had no idea about my history for advice on dealing with it, I'd be told to stop being immature. But the thing is, that kind of advice rarely does anything but make a person feel like they need to sublimate their reactions and hide them from others.

 

With that said, the last two bits of advice that you listed don't, to me, fall into the same category as the others. Coping methods like just going and doing something else to get your mind off it can sound simplistic, but they can help. There's a difference between someone offering a tool to cope, and someone telling you that you shouldn't need to cope in the first place.

[Seraphim]

I totally agree, giving a tool to help someone cope is advice but telling them they should not need to even cope is not. At the same time offering continuous comfort can really cripple someone because they are not learning that they can be and do better and they are not learning to comfort themselves.

[woodsrose10]

One thing I have definitely learned is that, while it's great to get things in perspective (i.e., a girl at lunch when I was 15 was looking through 2 bags of chips, "How many calories are in these?? I don't want the one with most calories!" To which I said, "There are starving children around the world who would like to have that!" And she said, "You're right....I'm going to eat them both.") it's not good to ignore or belittle genuine problems.

 

Like when I was 11, I was venting about how much I hated my life because I was getting bullied so much at school (to the point of bursting into tears in front of the entire class of students twice), my dad said, "We should send you down to Bosnia, see how you'd like that."

[woodsrose10]

 

As for your "breaking up other couples' example" - all i say is some people like drama, so just stay away from that. don't feed into it. young women especially like to be catty and gossip so stay away from people who do that. don't stoop to their level.

 

That happened when I was 16. Everyday for months, this girl flat-out called me a * * * * * or would bark at me whenever she saw me. I tried "not to worry about it" but that didn't help. I tried "ignoring her", that didn't work.

 

Real advice would've been, "Tell her that you wouldn't touch her bf if she paid you and to f** off, or simply report her."

[woodsrose10]

One wise friend of mine once said, "Just because you broke your finger and I broke my leg doesn't make your finger hurt any less." Remember that you DO have it good in life and take comfort in that, but don't let your good life make you feel guilty for being in pain yourself...

 

This is great advice/perspective. By the way...interesting picture, lol.

[dramallama]

I think that even if someone can't put yourself in their shoes because by the comparison to their problems, they would love to have your problems, but a little empathy always goes a long way. However, it is a good idea to say to yourself "are things really that bad? Am I or any of my family members suffering from a fatal illness? Don't I have a lot of good things going for me?" There's only so long that I think it's healthy to feel sorry for yourself before you have to kind of kick yourself out of it because there are people out there who don't have any family or even a roof over their heads.

[dramallama]

Like when I was 11, I was venting about how much I hated my life because I was getting bullied so much at school (to the point of bursting into tears in front of the entire class of students twice), my dad said, "We should send you down to Bosnia, see how you'd like that."

I can see why that advice is unhelpful. Your dad should have supported you at that time. Being bullied is totally irrelevant to starving children. With a break up, though, it is good to think for yourself what is going right with your life and focus on the positives.

[90_hour_sleep]

i've never found it helpful...and i can't recall ever encountering an individual who did...or does.

 

i think it's easy to interpret such words as dismissive. they're so generatic as to feel almost insulting. and while that may be lending itself to taking things personally...i think when you find yourself in a painful situation, you tend to take just about everything personally. it's a reactive state.

 

i think what it comes down to is this: as a culture...we really have no idea how to say nothing. it sounds simplistic. but i think there's a compulsive desire to spit something out as a form of acknowledgement. and these generic platitudes are often the first things that come to mind. that's probably why they're so unhelpful. they require little to no thought...but on a very superficial level...they feel like they should convey some sort of meaning. but the very fact that they've been used and abused has really stripped them of any beneficial value. they feel insincere...and devaluing.

 

why not just listen? LISTEN. i think that's maybe the bigger piece of the puzzle. true listening is such a rare skill. and to make a response to someone that is genuine and compassionate, one must be an active listener. forget about feeling uncomfortable because you don't know what to say...and just listen. it's not an easy thing to do. means letting go of any self-absorption...and giving your complete attention to another person. the platitudes are easy...because they're so generic. i only need to identify the very general feeling of this other person...and then i can just kind of tune out. afterall...i have my own problems to worry about. how can i invest my time to listening to what you've got to say? why not just use my pre-fabricated escape plan. gives a subtle impression that i care on some level...but that i'm not the right person to fully engage with...so kindly leave me out of it!!

 

granted...that's the cynical view. but being a part of the human race...i feel confident that it's often the case. unless i'm an alien of some sort. i guess that's a possibility.

 

and as for advice...that's risky business. and only appropriate when it's explicitly asked for as i see it.