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Why is my ex ignoring me, when I didn't do anything wrong?


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My ex-bf broke up with me two and a half weeks ago. We were together a little over 2 years and lived together for 2 years. We have had LC since then. The first two nights after the breakup, he called me and we had long conversations which consisted of him essentially blaming me for the problems in the relationship, very unfairly I might add. He also said that he didn't love me anymore, hadn't in months (so he had apparently been lying to me, because I asked numerous times if he wanted to breakup,etc.), that he was never going to sleep with me again, that he was ready to date other people (the next day?! Wth) and that he could love someone else more than he loved me. He said we will never ever ever get back together. Obviously I was upset and angry and we didn't talk for a week.

 

I sent him an email basically telling him thanks for lying to me and treating me like crap, and he sent me a flurry of texts asking me to forgive him for being so mean yadayada. I told him I wasn't ready to do that yet and I removed him from my Facebook.

 

A week after that, I had to call him to figure out how I was getting my belongings out of the apartment we had shared. This apartment is unoccupied right now because we both moved home for the summer, and we lived in the apartment during the school year. I'm a grad student, he is an undergrad. I had asked him many times if he was sure about our relationship and if he wanted to break up, because he was very cold to me all the time, pretty much for the entirety of our relationship. I was hesitant about leaving all my things in the apartment for him to use when he moved back in Sept., but he convinced me everything was great and not to worry. So currently my bed, dresser, desk, computer, all the kitchenware, bookshelves, and armchair are in this apartment that is 4 hours from my house. He had previously told me he would go get the stuff at some point and bring it to me because thats the right thing to do, so I called him and asked him when he planned on doing that and I told him to forget about it, that I will get it myself with a U-haul. We had a short conversation with some pleasantries and got off the phone.

 

This Sunday, I wrote a long email to him explaining that I forgive him, how I feel about the demise of our relationship, and I admitted my faults but also pointed out that I can't be blamed for his actions (he loves to blame me) and that its too bad it didn't work, because I really cared about him and tried my best. I told him I think hes a good guy and wished him the best. I didn't ask for him back and I used "loved" in the past tense, because I didn't want to come accross like I was trying to wheedle him back in. I also told him that I am probably moving to South Korea at the end of August to teach English (I had mentioned this in our brief phone call but I don't think he took it seriously, or he really didn't seem to care, which is a little insulting but w/e.)

 

I also sent him a text the next day saying that I respect his decision to break up, and that I want him to be happy.

 

He hasn't responded to these. I wonder why? I don't necessarily need a response to the email, but it leaves me wondering why he can't take this opportunity to settle any animosity between us. I am trying to take the higher road and make peace with him but he is ignoring me. A short text acknowledging mine would be enough. I don't get this behavior. We didn't have a big fight that lead to the breakup, he just broke up with me one day saying he didn't feel it anymore. That's a whole different story, though.

 

So my question is, should I be offended by this? Is this normal behavior on an ex-bf's part? It's kind of insulting.

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I don't think you should be offended. This is just more of a reflection of his behavior towards you. He acted very cold, broke up with you in an unexpecting manner and generally disregarded your feelings and treated you less than a human being.

 

His ignorning your text/email isn't a surprise to me. Just know you said what you had to say and this chapter of your life is over and move on knowing you tried to settle your differences. Him not responding is probably his way of moving on, or he's just very confused and can't come to terms on what to do. I say leave it at that. Any other dialogue should be about you reclaiming your items, if necessary.

 

Until we meet again...

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I sent him an email basically telling him thanks for lying to me and treating me like crap, and he sent me a flurry of texts asking me to forgive him for being so mean yadayada. I told him I wasn't ready to do that yet and I removed him from my Facebook.

 

I would imagine this has something to do with why he isn't responding despite you subseqeunt messages.

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Well, he's already told you he doesn't love you anymore and he's ready to date again, so most likely that is what he is off doing. Perhaps he already had someone picked out when he broke up with you.

 

If he feels like he's already said what needed to be said and that it's over, and you know he is basically cold a lot of the time as you said, he is just being himself. He probably considers it a done deal and doesn't want to discuss it anymore.

 

Just go get your stuff and focus on the future. Many people just don't like to stay in touch with exes once they've settled whatever joint business they have, and since you've already said you're going to get your stuff, there's nothing left to settle between you. You're not doing anything wrong, he's just moving on and probably doesn't want to stay in contact, which many people don't after a breakup.

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I understand your points, but my email to him wasn't worded harshly. His texts to me weren't trying to get me back, they were just ridiculous. He said that "if you ever need protection from another guy, like a new boyfriend, you can call me and I will protect you". WTH is that? He is going to beat someone up for me? He also said "if you are stranded on the side of the road I will come help you". Umm thanks? I have AAA. I thought those were weird things to say, like he thinks I'm helpless or something. It was patronizing. It seems like he can't be sincere. When he tried to be lovey-dovey to me it always came accross as contrived, like he was using song lyrics or something.

 

I posted my email to him in the other breakup forum, but its a giant wall of text so beware lol. I basically told him he meant a lot to me and that I'm hurt by what he did and explained that his behavior towards me was misleading. I wasn't mean about it. He actually does stay in contact with his ex's. I don't know if he had anyone in particular lined up, but I do know that hes trying too hard to find someone, it seems anyone will do.

 

 

On Facebook he kept reaching out to random girls that he knew in high school, and I explained that seeing that on my Facebook news feed was too upsetting and that I am unfriending him for now, because we don't need to see pictures of each other with our dates. I was never mean about any of this. I think he is generally a self centered person and he doesn't know how to respond properly to anything emotional, he doesn't ever know the right thing to say. I told him good luck with everything etc, the least he could do is say that same thing to me, ya know? This breakup wasn't over me doing him wrong, so he shouldn't be mad at me. Whatever though. I'm over it, I just wanted to let him know I'm not going to sit around crying about it because that's what he expects. Maybe he is offended that I'm not begging him but I don't have time for that. I just wanted to have a proper goodbye and end on amicable terms.

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I can understand you wanting a proper goodbye. It signifies absolute closure to me.

 

Him not responding should further conclude, in your eyes, the type of individual he was. Someone who sounds emotionally unstable, fake, cold-hearted, and confused based on your description.

 

He apologized. Maybe that was closure for him and perhaps he felt he didn't need to elaborate or communicate any further??

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mo'Nique, I agree. I think it shows his character. What is so hard about a text saying "Ok best of luck to you too"? I mean come on, we aren't in middle school. I don't know if he thinks I'm trying to get him back or what. He ego is enormous so he probably does, or he is insulted that I am moving on already. I wouldn't take him back if he tried, this breakup really made me reflect on what kind of person he is and I don't need that in my life.

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"He also said that he didn't love me anymore, hadn't in months (so he had apparently been lying to me, because I asked numerous times if he wanted to breakup,etc.), that he was never going to sleep with me again, that he was ready to date other people (the next day?! Wth) and that he could love someone else more than he loved me. He said we will never ever ever get back together. Obviously I was upset and angry and we didn't talk for a week. "

 

This is awful and I'm sorry, but, this should leave no doubt in your mind about who he is and how he feels about the relationship. You deserve the complete opposite of the person who said these things.

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I always hate it when i hear about exes saying these kind of 'i've got your back, baby, i'll always be there for you' kind of things, meanwhile they're rapidly heading for the hills!

 

It's really more of a social convention than anything... they feel guilty about dumping you and are hoping if they throw you a bone you'll let them skulk off without too many emotional scenes.

 

So his 'i'll be there for you baby' routine is just one of those things many dumpers say like 'i'll call you' when they have no real intention of doing so... it more to make themselves feel better about running off than it is to actually fulfil that promise, which they are hoping to the tips of their toes you'll never actually ask them to do, or they will be long gone by the time you might.

 

So his silence is showing you nothing more than his true intention, which is to not be any real part of your life anymore and to avoid any kind of emotional confrontations... he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He basically gave you a pat on the back then a shove out the door. It has absolutely nothing to do with you per se, just a typical way that dumpers handle things when they are on their way out. He's leaving, and his silence is about both avoidance and letting you know that he's not your BF anymore, so he doesn't have to have any of these emotional discussions about your feelings or the breakup anymore if he doesn't feel like it, which he doesn't, obviously, or he would respond back.

 

I don't think he's angry or mad at you, i think more likely he feels guilty or perhaps annoyed that you're still try to discuss the breakup or your hurt feelings when he's already told you he's done and is not interested anymore.

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I agree with lavenderdove. It's just what people say because no one likes confrontation and know one likes to hurt anyone. The last guy I was crazy about muttered something about we could "still be friends". I knew what that meant, so I never responded. We never spoke again. It's just something people say.

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Oh absolutely. I don't want to be "friends" with him. More than anything, I just would really like him to realize the role that he played in the deterioration of our relationship. Looking back on the past two years, I feel ashamed of myself for not leaving him! He treated me terribly. I wholly believe that he has a personality disorder and has no capacity for empathy for other people. He is sociopathic and would say terrible things about my ex (that he would bash his head in with a baseball bat...who knows why) and he really never showed me very much affection.

 

I wrote him that email explaining my stance on the breakup and how things unfolded and wishing him the best, that it was fun while it lasted, etc. I only begged him to change his mind during the face to face breakup, because it was shocking (he cried then too, which was odd, I had never seen him emotional like that) He called me (unprompted) the next two nights. The first night he gave me a pep talk telling me I'm attractive and guys always stare at me so I won't have trouble finding someone new, which I wasn't trying to discuss with him. He also said "In a month maybe I will realize this was the worst decision I could have made". It is better not to throw crumbs like that. I took that with a grain of salt. That conversation was not hostile and it lasted about an hour and a half.

 

The 2nd day after the breakup he called me again and we had another long talk, but I didn't ask him to get back with me. This time he was very harsh with me, as I explained earlier. He must have been reading some awful advice or even worse, took advice from his dad or brothers. He totally changed tone and I think he was deliberately and exaggeratedly mean in order to push me away and ensure that I understood it was over, but it was done childishly and it was uncalled for.

 

He thinks he is some kind of ladies man, and that he can pull whatever chick he wants. Sorry, I don't think so. I really think he lost one of the few people who will put up with his difficult personality in a long term relationship, but he will just have to find that out the hard way. He doesn't have any close friends, or long term relationships before me. I hope with age that he will become more self-aware and works on his attitude. He is 22, I'm 24.

 

I'm possibly moving accross the world from CT to South Korea in August (this was not something I had planned on before the breakup, but always wished I had the chance to do) and he just asked me during a brief purely-business phone conversation last week if it paid well. There was no "oh, really!?" reaction, even though he had never heard me talk about that before. He asked if I had found a job in my area yet, but I just kind of said "I have an opportunity I'm feeling out" because I don't think he deserves to know about my personal business anymore. He was clearly just trying to be polite, and didn't care about my answers (that's nthing new). After that was said, he felt the need to complain to me that he still had a sinus infection, didn't get to go on a trip to Italy with his father because of it, that he is tired from working so hard, doing lots of yard work, his online class and that he burned his hand on a hot dog. How fascinating! (sarcasm). Its very telling how he believes mundane details about his life are more interesting than a life-changing move.

 

I think another reason he may be shutting me out of contact is because I am not going to be available as a booty call or anything like that, since I told him I am moving far far away. I imagine that might be irritating to him, because I know if my ex from before him immediately threw up their deuces and left without looking back I would have been left feeling like the tables were turned. He probably also doesn't think there is a point to talking if he can't keep me under his thumb.

 

I have been in the position of being the dumper and that situation was far more chaotic and crazy than this breakup (police had to be involved, suicide threats, self-harm, etc on the ex-bf's part) and I still managed to remain decent and I never went out of my way to make that ex hurt more than they already did. I had actually left my high school/college boyfriend to be with this more recent ex (we were together from 15-22). I didn't cheat on the other bf, and I had been trying to break up with him for about 5 months but he was too unstable. That relationship didn't end up working out because he smoked weed 6 times a day and began selling it, among other major differences, and that isn't the type of person I want to be associated with.

 

I sincerely hope that my letter to my new ex will help him understand what mistakes to avoid in any future relationships. Maybe in a few months he can go back and read it and see my perspective from a more neutral place. I tried to be as rational as possible, because I know men aren't receptive to emotional pleas. I admitted my own faults in this letter as well. But he blames other people for everything (literally everything, if he stubbed his toe he would should "DAMN IT LAURA!" at me like I did it to him).

 

I won't hold my breath for any epiphanies, though. Its sad, and I am legitimately concerned for whatever girl he snatches up as a rebound. He is so charming and handsome at first, but the longer you are with him the more you realize there is nothing there under the surface. When he talked lovingly to me, it came accross as insincere, like he had just recycled some song lyrics he heard. He is like a salesman, in fact he is minoring in sales in college. He seems to approach every interaction like a business deal. Look up the definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that's him!

 

I really try to go through life not holding grudges and I am doing my best to forgive him and move on. Obviously it still hurts because it has been only 2.5 weeks, but I understand it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me, although not for the reasons he stated. I think he has a case of GIGS, which not surprising at his age. He suddenly feels like he is missing out on the party scene and wants to smoke weed again.

 

Sorry for the wall of text. I just need to vent. I felt like I was losing my mind sometimes. My family and friends think I was abused, and I am starting to think so too but it was hard to have a balanced perspective on the relationship when I was right in the middle of it. My friends don't understand because they have never been in a LTR like that.

 

On another note, what would you define as emotional abuse? Does anyone else have a story that can relate to mine?

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