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Why should I be a carer?


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To start with, it may help if you read my previous posts about the hell we have been through over the years with my so called dad, and now he is terminal, we are expected to help him, even though he has caused us so much pain and distress over the years and he has done unforgiveable things.


I live at home, because like so many others, I can't afford my own place, and my mum and I are good friends anyway and we enjoy having each other around. Anyway, my so called dad is now in a position where he is needing constant round the clock care. He can't walk (even with a walker), because his legs are so weak, so they are giving way, and he is falling over. He also has constant diarrhea and is partly incontinent. My mum is struggling big time to lift him when he falls, and to care for him. Really he should be bed-ridden, but the cigarettes are driving him to go to the conservatory to have a smoke. Anyway I can't bring myself to help him (I can barely look at him, as I have mentioned in my previous posts), and now he is once again being critical towards me by now saying 'she doesn't bother to help', to other family/friends/neighbours. Has he ever begun to think about why I don't help him? Obviously not. Does he think it is all gone and forgotten about now that he is ill? Obviously. He has criticised me (plus a lot more besides) throughout my life, and behind my back to other people, so these comments come as no surprise. What hurts me though is then other people think badly of me, because they don't have a clue what has gone on in this house over the years and why I am not helping him. In general I am very caring of others and am always willing to help them in anyway I can. People who know me know that I am a very kind person.


To be honest I feel so sorry for my mum. I don't know how she can bring herself to care for him, but I guess that's up to her. He revels in her attention and natural caring nature - which he doesn't deserve. The issue is with me. Why should I care for someone and make him feel cared for, when I can barely look at the bloke because I feel so much hurt?

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I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm really sorry. The most unfortunate part is that you have to live with it every day.


We have all taken a different path in life. My path has taught me that the title of parent is something that is earned, and not freely given out simply due to attendance at the conception. But, my path has also taught me compassion. I've known a handful of people in your situation and they all walked away, but they also had the benefit of distance. If I were you, I would only do what you're comfortable doing. Don't let his words penetrate.


I hope your nightmare is over soon.

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