My bf was hiding a child from me

[Nat0119]

I have been with my boyfriend for awhile. I have a son and he has a daughter both from previous relationships. We were madly in love, it was us and our 2 kids. A happy family, talked about having our 2nd kids together, getting married, everything. We were in the process of house hunting and he mentioned he had a foreclosure before so I got on the court website to see details.. There were 3 cases under his name, the forclosure, the daughter he has, then I noticed ANOTHER child support case with a different girl than his daughters mom.. I viewed all the documents and quickly found out that he had another child that was actually his first child he had never told me about close to is daughters age. I confronted him about it and he lied and said he didnt know anything about it looked right in my eyes and lied to me, said he would tellme if he knew anything . So I contacted the mother since all her info was on there. She told me yes they have a daughter, told me her name and showed me a picture said he never sees her but the little girl always goes and stays with my boyfriends mom (she looks just like him). I confronted him again he finally came clean since I had so much proof, said he was with this girl only a month and she lied about birth control and got pregnant on purpose and tricked him into having a child he never wanted. He said he didnt tell me because he never sees her or has anything to do with her and in his eyes it is not his child. He didnt want it to jeopardize our relationship by me judging him on having 2 kids with 2 diff girls back to back and possibly lose me and it never would have affected us bc he isnt in contact with her. I dont know what to do or think I am devastated he kept secrets and lied to me and the fact he does have a kid I knew nothing about whether he claims her as his or not. I dont know if I should forgive him and stay with him or what? I need some advice on what other people think bc my head is a mess right now. Thank you, sorry so long of a story..

[Nat0119]

He says if I love him thos should come between us or affect our relationship. But it wasnt a small lie.. It was a child

[mhowe]

That would be a real eye opener for me --- and as it takes 2 to make a child, it seems as though he takes no responsibility for either child? Not sure this is a man you can count on. And, he has a foreclosure in his background as well --- speaks again to lack of financial responsibility. But the biggest issues would be the outright lie (as opposed to the lie of omission) --- when confronted, he lied to your face.

 

I'd venture a guess to say that you could find someone else with much less baggage and more responsibility.

[abitbroken]

I have a relative that had a child with someone he didn't want anything to do with - but it was years ago when he was 18 and he's 50 now. Its not right, but people change - but if the girl is close to his child's age - enough time has not past between to say that he was a different person then. All he had to say is that he had another child but does not have contact. As simple as that.And let you make up your mind. And let the info unfold. You could press him to make good and take this child into his life and demand that it be so if you love him enough and let that be enough for you - but I am not sure. This would be too big of a lie for me. I am glad you found this out before getting a house. btw, don't buy real estate with a boyfriend. Always have it be his or yours until you marry.

[lavenderdove]

I'm not sure you can count on this man for the long term if he is willing to abandon a child...

 

And does he pay child support? There always a chance if he doesn't that she could slap him with a court case for back child support if he does owe it and didn't pay, or open a new case to get it in future, or to get more per month. I have a friend who married a man with a 2 year old where he and the mother were so bitter he quite seeing the child (or that was his story anyway).

 

My friend thought he was at least faithfully paying child support, but he died suddenly and his ex found out and came out of the woodwork and sued his estate for more than $100K in back child support! She told my friend that the reason she didn't take him to court sooner is that she was afraid of him because he threatened her constantly, but now that he was dead, she wanted the money her daughter was entitled to. So my friend basically lost her husband (and the husband she thought she knew but wasn't), and all their savings at once since a child support case does take precedence when dispersing money in an estate!

 

In your case, no matter how you slice it, he did walk away from his own child. I couldn't do that myself, and you'd have to wonder if he'd do the same with you if he met someone new or decided he didn't want the relationship or any children you have anymore. I might understand a little if he was 18 years old at the time the child was born and blame immaturity, but now he's older and basically made the decision to stiff and abandon his own child for the sake of his own happiness. And he also lied very easily, straight to your face, so i'd wonder what else he might lie about. He's had financial problems (foreclosure) and abandoned a kid, so that is really two BIG negative things you shouldn't ignore. The foreclosure might be explainable if he lost his job and the house thru no fault of his own, but walking away from a kid and not looking back is an entirely different matter. That is a repeated pattern of irresponsibility when something isn't fun anymore.

[FathomFear]

While he's right to think that the truth will likely push away most potential women from dating him, there's no one to blame for that but himself. I always laugh when guys pull the whole "She lied about her birth control!" excuse. Birth control goes both ways. You can't depend on the other person 100%. If a guy wants to minimize risk, he needs to use a condom.

 

Regardless of whether this guy is nice/compatible, he sounds like he is overflowing with baggage and drama. I would be apt to move on.

[ForumGuy]

It has been my experience, especially in my last relationship where I married someone who turned out to be a liar, that if he can lie in good conscience, there will be others. This is somewhat contradictory, but if he is loving, loyal and faithful to you, it could be an isolated case. I still don't understand why people do this though....do they not know it will eventually come out in the wash?

[Seraphim]

Personally for myself I could never be with a man who abandoned his child. It speaks volumes about his character.

[CatsMeeoow]

It has been my experience, especially in my last relationship where I married someone who turned out to be a liar, that if he can lie in good conscience, there will be others. This is somewhat contradictory, but if he is loving, loyal and faithful to you, it could be an isolated case. I still don't understand why people do this though....do they not know it will eventually come out in the wash?

 

Exactly!!!

 

I mean at some point wouldn't you ask questions about the little girl who spends time at his mother's house from time to time???

 

I can see where it wouldn't come out on a first date... but buying a home requires full disclosure. What happens if you get pregnant and piss him off? Will he up and not claim your child too?

 

I think this is a real eye opener.

[Nat0119]

He was younger at the time he was 19 and feels he was tricked and never wanted anything to do with a kid by a girl he was only with for a month. He says he doesnt view it is his kid. He does pay his child support but they are in the process of him signing off on the child so he never has to be responsible for it again. he said he knew I wouldnt understand the sitatuation and thats why he never told me bc he never wanted to lose me to a mistake from his past that he has nothing to do with and cant change

[Seraphim]

Well, I don't feel being 19 excuses some one from making bad choices. A woman like other people said is not the only person responsible for birth control. Saying he was tricked is a cop out. Also not paying attention to an innocent child because he made a bad choice, says a lot about him. Making a child pay because you have bad feelings about the mother shows immense immaturity and he is even continuing his immaturity. Not a good marriage prospect in my book.

[FathomFear]

He was younger at the time he was 19 and feels he was tricked and never wanted anything to do with a kid by a girl he was only with for a month. He says he doesnt view it is his kid. He does pay his child support but they are in the process of him signing off on the child so he never has to be responsible for it again. he said he knew I wouldnt understand the sitatuation and thats why he never told me bc he never wanted to lose me to a mistake from his past that he has nothing to do with and cant change

 

So in other words, he's a deadbeat dad. It doesn't matter if he thinks he was "tricked" or doesn't view "it" as his kid. The fact of the matter is that he had sex with her and having a kid is a possible outcome of heterosexual intercourse. I might have some sympathy if he took precautions himself (a condom) and a pregnancy still resulted, but even in that scenario he would still share the responsibility.

[CatsMeeoow]

He was younger at the time he was 19 and feels he was tricked and never wanted anything to do with a kid by a girl he was only with for a month. He says he doesnt view it is his kid. He does pay his child support but they are in the process of him signing off on the child so he never has to be responsible for it again. he said he knew I wouldnt understand the sitatuation and thats why he never told me bc he never wanted to lose me to a mistake from his past that he has nothing to do with and cant change

 

So there is an innocent victim out there who had no say unlike your bf and the woman he slept with. At 19 you won't convince me he didn't have a grasp on how babies are made and how to use a condom - did he go to some uber conservative religious school? He made a mistake YES. At least he has been paying child support. But, how fair is this for some child to know her daddy signed off her because she was just a mistake???

 

Mistakes happen everyday.

 

Its how we handle the mistakes that shape our character.

 

Apparently this little girl is adored enough to be loved by your bf's mother ---- KUDOS to her!!!! Your bf is old enough to not only have another child but is considering being a step father to your child and having additional children so surely he recognizes the importance of a daddy. If he hasn't the maturity to step up now that he is older and realize that despite the circumstances this little child needs love then he isn't really capable of loving your child... after all it's not his and by his logic... OK at 19 he lacks the maturity to see outside himself but he has another child that he loves and cares for and that didn't take the stinking blinders off?

 

I think now more than anything it's not so much that he lied that I would have trouble getting over is that he is taking is anger as a 19 year old against another woman out an an completely wonderful human child who didn't have any options - he had the option to wear a condom... his child did not. I think the fact that he leaves behind this innocent victim would cause me a great deal of concern in a future relationship with him. He can claim all this bs of you not understanding all he wants... he isn't someone I would want a future with.

[Seraphim]

That is the thing, people usually claim people won't understand if they feel guilty and have done something unconscionable, they place the onus on OTHER people and whine they won't be understood.

[CatsMeeoow]

That is the thing, people usually claim people won't understand if they feel guilty and have done something unconscionable, they place the onus on OTHER people and whine they won't be understood.

 

I know the OP already had strong bonds of attachment with this guy if they were planning such a future and I know it would be really hard to leave your dreams of searching for a house and other kids behind.

 

Would you be willing to open your home to this other child? Would you include her in your family? Obviously his mother does. Maybe you can have a frank talk with your bf what it means to do the right thing. That's its okay to love something you didn't plan on having (I do it everyday....) and perhaps point out how sad you would be if your child's father suddenly disclaimed them because you left. That it would be okay for your ex to be angry at you but not to take it out on a child who didn't have a choice in the ending of the relationship. Maybe if he is willing to try being a stand up dad now I might be willing to forgive the insanity of this circus.

 

I understand the confusion and emotions that come with lying. My husband has a way of twisting the truth to suit his needs - not that he has ever really deceived me... just over stupid stuff and I'm smart enough to know better and it kills him that I can so easily call him out on it. Still it causes me a bit a concern in the trust department.

 

You need to decide what you would find acceptable and try stepping outside the situation and what advice would you give to your best friend if she were in the same boat.

[Nat0119]

I know you guys are right I said the same things myself. I have said the same things to him, adked him why one was "his kid" and one wasnt? he said he was there for his second daughter and has been in her life from the beginning and therefore its his child and not the case with the other one. Said he was young and stupid and believed this girl that she was on birth control and that it was a stupid thing to do but that he cant change it now. But yes I dont understand either bc he is such a good dad to his daughter now, we have her every other weekend and I never ever thought he could have another kid esp one he has no part in its life. I told him also it wasnt the girls fault she didnt ask to be born. The mother of the girl said that she has a father figure in her life which is good and has the support of my bfs family even though he isnt around. He isnt close to his mom who sees the dsughte, she is into drugs and just got out of prison for a pot growing operation that she got busted for and said his kids mom is a druggie and did drugs with his mom and thats why her and his mom are still in contact and she sees this little girl. Its a long story and part of me sees his point of view but big parts of me dont at all

[sunnyhappydays]

If the kid's mom is a druggie that's MORE of a reason to take care of his child. So basically he abandoned this kid to be screwed up by this person he hates so much. I know it's difficult because you love him, but he sounds terribly irresponsible.

[lavenderdove]

>>mistake from his past that he has nothing to do with and cant change

 

He has nothing to do with it? He's her FATHER and of course he has something to do with it. And she's a HER, not an IT. And he could change it tomorrow if he decided it was important to be a stand up father rather than an abandoner. Really, how will this girl grow up feeling about herself and men? That she was so unwanted her father took a powder, then signed away all his rights to not pay money to support her? Meanwhile goes off like she doesn't exist?

 

I'm sorry, i have no sympathy for this guy. He's treating her like an old pair of shoes, just throwing them away because he never really liked them to begin with. He can whitewash this all he wants and try to deny that he has any resonsibility, but it is a PERSON and an innocent child he is leaving behind, not a discarded toy. And if his kid's mom is a druggie, then he should be doing everything in his power to get custody of this child and save it from a life of drugs rather than using that as an excuse that he should ignore her. You also can't be sure that he isn't lying about the bit where his mom sees the kid because of the drugs... he's told you huge whoppers before, so why not now. He also could be telling you huge lies about his own mother because he is whitewashing other parts of his past and doesn't want you comparing stories with his mother.

 

He is someone who is willing to tell you a HUGE lie in order to manipulate you into thinking he is a far better and responsible person than he is. You don't know what else he has lied to you about, or what he will lie about in future. Nowhere in all his talk about this is he taking responsibility for himself and his actions, it's all someone else's problem or fault. What are you going to do if say you have a baby and it is sick (or you get sick) then he trots off because that is no fun either? If a father chooses one child over another, he is basically making decisions based on 'what's in it for me' rather than any true bond or sense of responsibility. He chose the one child because he wanted the child's mother (for a while anyway), and he abandoned the other child because he didn't feel like having her. And more likely, his one child's mother would have thrown him out if he had anythin to do with another child born at the same time to another woman, so that was a self interested decision he made too.

 

It's all about HIM and nothing else... all of his logic is about that. I hope you see that. This guy sees nothing as too low as long as he gets what he wants for himself, whether that is lying, or abandoning a child, or stiffing the bank on a house, or whatever.