I can't believe I did this.

[synthetic]

First off, I didn't cheat on anyone... I was "that guy", the one used by the cheater to cheat on their significant other. I'm posting this because I feel like I need reassurance or something, and I feel terrible--I feel guilty, and I feel it's all my fault that all this came to this. I've made a few posts about this girl throughout these forums, and I've expressed my feelings for her several times. I wrote her a 3 page letter, recently, too. I even fully admitted my feelings, apologized for being a jerk to her over something petty, and I basically poured out my soul in that letter. I also want to let you know that she's in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend of 5 years (a year as a LDR), and he's not really that great a guy, and doesn't truly love her. She's been told by countless people before me to just leave him, and that she deserves better.

 

Anyway. This girl is one of high morals, and I'm a man of high morals. That's what amazes me about this. We both broke, and it's frustrating to me that I threw away my morals. We had a "no contact" thing going for 2 weeks, and I held it up a few more days after she decided to talk to me again... but I broke, then we started to talk again. Slowly, we got back up to the point of hanging out again, and well... Monday morning happened. The night before we had went on a dinner/movie "date", and I ended up at her apartment. We both fell asleep, then around 3 AM, we both woke up and everything just started to happen. We got sexual with each other, but there was no intercourse.

 

I didn't want it to go this way, but it did. I have tried for months to get her to leave her boyfriend, and she has been disappointed for months that I didn't make moves on her. I finally do, and I STILL don't get what I want. I feel like I got used, and I only have myself to blame and I'm getting more and more agitated that I let myself be weak. I'm known for my strength... and now this? I let my morals break? I don't even know who I am anymore.

[charity]

sorry i can't console you here. why are you acting like a victim? it seems you've been putting in all the work for this to happen. it was your choice to do this, not some romantic outside source.

[Firiel]

Take this as a lesson learned. Don't mess around or flirt with the line when it comes to your morals about relationships because the closer you get to the line, the easier it is to cross it.

[synthetic]

sorry i can't console you here. why are you acting like a victim? it seems you've been putting in all the work for this to happen. it was your choice to do this, not some romantic outside source.

 

I feel like a "victim" because I honestly don't know what to do anymore, or who I am anymore. I have feelings for her, and she knows this, and this happens? It makes no sense, and I'm riding an emotional roller coaster because it's just something I could have never expected/prepared for.

 

I didn't want this to happen like I said, I wanted her to cleanly break it off with the guy. I put forth a ton of effort: letters, just being there, showing her that men aren't all the same and after sex only, I respected her relationship for nearly a year now, and I have told her what I want, how I want it, and I feel like something that I reserve for someone specific was stolen away from me. It's like going out and watching a movie before it's release date, if you can grasp what I'm trying to say here.

 

For years, and years, I let my morals and standards guide me. Then I do this, and I don't even know who I am anymore now because of this. Am I a bad guy? Am I one of those guys who just goes out and tries to sex up any woman? I'm starting to feel apathetic towards relationships, because I feel that no one truly wants a relationship these days. I grew up around marriages that hit their 40 and 50 year anniversary. I want that. I've seen REAL relationships, not those bs ones that people just stay because it's beneficial for both parties, or those that people stay together because of the kids or to not be alone in life. I want something genuine, I want to be in a relationship that I'm in because I'm IN LOVE. I try hard to be single, but women just find ways in my defenses and I get put in some situation. I tend to hide a lot, but some how... some way, something gets thrown at me. That's more than just "coincidence".

 

I just have lost faith in relationships, and when I tell a woman this, they try to challenge and argue me on this, then they try to "prove to me" that I'm wrong, yet all they have done thus far is prove me right. This one, I initially thought was going to actually prove me wrong, but I'm having my doubts, and I'm not a gambler, so I don't take risks. As you can see, this is what becomes of risks that I take.

 

Take this as a lesson learned. Don't mess around or flirt with the line when it comes to your morals about relationships because the closer you get to the line, the easier it is to cross it.

 

I know that, that's why I tried blocking her for 4 months straight last year. Then she came back around, and I weakened and let her back inside. For another 4 months, we "flirted" around that line, and I blocked her every time. I always told her you can't have me until you leave the guy, and that's why I am "afraid". She always says I'm afraid and a wuss, and that just sets me off. I have a reason to back off and not fully open up because she's not single, and all I do is give her more and more power and control over me. And well, I broke and this happened. This is why I'm so upset. Upset and frustrated at myself because not only did I break my morals, but I didn't get what I want and I'm still on Square 1.

[gravity]

he's not really that great a guy, and doesn't truly love her. She's been told by countless people before me to just leave him, and that she deserves better.

 

I didn't want it to go this way, but it did. I have tried for months to get her to leave her boyfriend,

 

Straight from the cheaters handbook. Justifying their own cheating by blaming their SO for being uncaring and vilifying them when they has no way to defend themselves. In reality, all you have is the cheaters' word on it. I would bet a million dollars the boyfriend would be surprised to hear this from her. Don't be fooled, there is a very good reason she isn't leaving him. Because non of it is true. Poor guy.

 

 

And well, I broke and this happened. This is why I'm so upset. Upset and frustrated at myself because not only did I break my morals, but I didn't get what I want and I'm still on Square 1.

 

If you're such a high morals guy what do you see in this girl? Don't you want to be with someone who shares your ethics and beliefs, as opposed to someone who compromises them? Do you really see yourself growing old in a healthy relationship with a girl who is willing to cheat on her long-term boyfriend? What's to say she wouldn't just do the same to you?

 

Look, you made a mistake and you feel bad about it (which you should). However you have to opportunity to LEARN from that mistake. It's never too late to do the right thing. Cut this girl off completely. Don't play into her hands. Don't continue to hurt a complete stranger based of the words of someone who you know to be a deceiver.

[Pinnacle]

This girl is one of high morals

 

LOL, sure she is. I mean what happened is you two fell asleep in the same bed while she is already in a relationship. She KNEW what she was doing. Please. It "just happened" Nothing just happens. You wanted it, she wanted it. That is all there is to it. Don't try to defend or rationalize either of your behaviors. Even if she did get together with you who is to say that in 5 years she won't cheat on you anyway. High morals right?

 

and he's not really that great a guy, and doesn't truly love her. She's been told by countless people before me to just leave him, and that she deserves better.

 

5 years and still trying to work it out with an LDR. Does not compute. All you have is her side of the story really. Who is to say that he is trying to be the best damn boyfriend he can be and she is just unappreciative of his efforts. SHE deserves better? Really? If anything, he deserves better.

 

I have tried for months to get her to leave her boyfriend, and she has been disappointed for months that I didn't make moves on her. I finally do, and I STILL don't get what I want. I feel like I got used

 

Not surprised. You should of just walked away a long time ago and find a girl that is worthy of your time instead of spending your energy on a girl who cheats and has the men in her life on puppet strings dancing for her pleasure.

 

You made a mistake and you can't fix it, but you don't rationalize your behavior with bad boyfriend theory and high morals and whatever else. Actions > words. Learn from this and move on, just don't dwell on this one woman.

[blackhawks1287]

Straight from the cheaters handbook. Justifying their own cheating by blaming their SO for being uncaring and vilifying them when they has no way to defend themselves. In reality, all you have is the cheaters' word on it.

 

That or the person who is trying to manipulate them out of the relationship due to the cheater's one sided story, like the OP stated above.

"I also want to let you know that she's in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend of 5 years (a year as a LDR), and he's not really that great a guy, and doesn't truly love her. She's been told by countless people before me to just leave him, and that she deserves better."

 

Where is he on this? It is an LDR, her friends and you essentially do not know a thing about him unless he visits or from what she tells you.

 

Dude you say you have high morals and etc...just back off and never talk to this girl again. She manipulated you and your feeling time and time again so that she can get the comfort she is lacking from her LDR. It is obvious, and this is the case with most relationships when there is infidelity on some level. There is something that is lacking and they are too insecure to end it based on guilt, selfishness, loneliness, fear of making a mistake...

 

Move on and find someone else. You told her not to contact you or get with you unless she dumps her guy...but you keep letting that boundary down...why? I don't know.

[synthetic]

What she says about the guy is true because I've heard it from other sources (multiple sources), and her own family wants her to leave him. It's strange, too, that I've met her family and her mom wishes she'd hook up with me. Really, all this feels like a movie at times, with all the stuff that happens/has happened between us.

 

I say we're both of high morals because I've only had two girlfriends (I got cheated on by both of them), and she's only had two boyfriends (both cheated on her, though she tries not to acknowledge the actions of the current one). She's dated more than me, but only two were actual boyfriends (one her ex, the other her current) and she really is a tough type. A lot of guys want her, but I'm the only one who gets this kind of attention from her. I honestly did not ask for it because I knew she was in a relationship from the start, so she initiated everything from the start. If I know a girl has a boyfriend, I don't even bother and don't become friends with them, unless I know that I'm not attracted to them in that way. I wasn't attracted to her from the start, just so you know.

 

At times, I think she wanted this to happen to have a reason to leave him. She says he'd leave her in a heartbeat... but I doubt it, considering the kind of guy he is. He'll probably just look at it as her getting back at him for what he's done to her in the past, and move on. As to why I got attracted to her: She's intelligent, just not in regards to romance. We both have a similar personality, she actually likes my art and stories, she's strict, independent, and tough. But her weakness is this, just as its my weakness, too. And all this guy has over me are those 5 years. I've told her that if she met both he and I at the same time, she would have chosen me. She didn't dispute that, either.

 

It's just one hell of a frustrating situation and this complicated it. Yeah, we both "wanted" it, but she was more wondering if I would allow it... which confuses me. I don't quite understand her reasoning and why she doesn't just leave? If she's wanting that kind of thing from me, then why continue her dead end relationship and pursue one with me.

 

Oh, and I have thought about the whole "she could cheat on me" issue... but I don't know. I doubt she will because she really hates being touched by anyone. She's also a loner, so she's not very talkative/out to seek attention, really.

[gravity]

What she says about the guy is true because I've heard it from other sources (multiple sources), and her own family wants her to leave him.

 

Like Blackhawks1287 said, you hear confirmation from other people who get their information from her as well. It's not exactly a variety of opinions.

 

I say we're both of high morals because I've only had two girlfriends (I got cheated on by both of them), and she's only had two boyfriends (both cheated on her, though she tries not to acknowledge the actions of the current one)

 

# of partners has nothing to do with morals. Morals are about actions, and currently you are both acting immorally.

 

A lot of guys want her, but I'm the only one who gets this kind of attention from her.

 

I bet her boyfriend thinks the same thing.

 

I honestly did not ask for it because I knew she was in a relationship from the start, so she initiated everything from the start. If I know a girl has a boyfriend, I don't even bother and don't become friends with them, unless I know that I'm not attracted to them in that way. I wasn't attracted to her from the start, just so you know. . .

 

 

. . .Oh, and I have thought about the whole "she could cheat on me" issue... but I don't know. I doubt she will because she really hates being touched by anyone. She's also a loner, so she's not very talkative/out to seek attention, really.

 

Do you see how you contradict yourself here? Se doesn't seek out attention, but she pursued you well enough, even though you didn't reciprocate.

 

 

This girl sounds like a textbook cheater. She plays the role of the ethical girl who is just a victim of circumstance and cannot deny her feeling for you, despite her actions saying the complete opposite. I think you may be seeing what you want to see here, that you two have something sooooo special you just can't stay apart. You know what? Maybe you guys do, maybe I'm wrong, but that does not excuse the way she (and you) are acting here. Please don't continue to help her cheat on her boyfriend though. You sound like a fairly ethical guy who got caught up in something, we all do sometimes, but it's never to late to do the right thing. Show some self-respect and don't play second fiddle to some other inferior dude.

 

If she really is such a wonderful girl, and you guys really connect deeply she should have no problem breaking up with her (bad) boyfriend if you ask.

 

If she does, go for it. If she gives excuses, you have your answer.

 

Time will tell I guess.

 

Good Luck!

[lalalollipops]

Time to take responsibility for your actions and man up. Stop pushing the blame.

[abitbroken]

If you are shocked because you normally have high standards, the best thing to do is cut off all contact. Do you really want to be with a woman who is willing to cheat on her boyfriend? Because if you guys are together one on one, she may have no trouble cheating on you, too. Don't be "that guy". She is exciting because she is a damsel in distress.

[synthetic]

I say number of relationships matter because I choose not to be in them, and in both situations they happened because we connected. I go by emotional connection and compatibility, I'm not after sex and use it as an expression of love. I'm an emotional and sensitive guy, so I place more value in that than I do the physical part of the relationship. It's just getting frustrating because for years I avoided relationships and I get thrown into situations, and then these situations break me and derail me. I say "thrown" because I did not choose to meet these women, they were there, we got to know each other... and I was a fool and allowed them inside my heart. I can go single, yeah, but as of late, I feel as I'm only half a person. I feel as though without that other person to complete me, my passion isn't there, and I don't write or do anything artistic. It's weakness to me, and I still can't figure out why a lack of romance in my life kills that side of me. All this expression here is because of these feelings that she invoked and brought forth; I can't seem to produce them on my own.

 

And trust me when I say the information about him is true... I've seen and heard evidence, and he only begun to come around and give her attention whenever he found out about me hanging out with her a lot. Before I appeared, he would never visit her and they would argue about it, constantly. Now that I'm here, he goes out of his way. This why I told her to not mention me to him or have him know about me, because she would still see he doesn't care and they would drift apart from each other.

 

Anyway, I just give up. I'm mad at myself, mad at my weakness, and angry that no matter what I do, how much effort I put into anything, it doesn't matter and isn't appreciated.

[chitown9]

Synthetic, really the solution is simple. Tell her that you cannot have a relationship with her until she is free to have one with you. Then you go NC. While you are in NC you proceed with your life with the thought that you are moving on. If she comes to saying that she broke thing off with her boyfriend then it will be time for you to decide if you still want to be with her. Don't live your life waiting for her to come to you, however, because it may never happen.

[rahulrocks]

Typical case of ideas and thoughts getting more important then the person.

 

Who makes the morals ? who makes the principles ? Living a life bound by imagination and ideas is not the true way to live. The person who sticks to his so called ideas and morals which are nothing but the result of his conditioning is not an intelligent person. An inteligent person lives moment to moment. This is evident from the situations of danger. If you are going to get hit then in that case you do not think and act. You simply act.

In the same way when you were spending a night with that girl your bilogical instincts became powerful and you got physical. But its a shame that you did not do sex and rather gave importance to the foolish ideas of your so called morals and ethics.

The moral of each person depend on his conditioning, A person living in Africa has different morals then that living in America.

 

Dont be a fool.........you did the right thing........next time have sex with girl and do according to situations...

[RadicalDreamer]

I can't berate you for hurting over this, because you don't need a "right" to feel pain. Just a heart.

 

But you do seem to have a hard time accepting the blame. You must make peace with the fact that your actions were not justified and that you were 100% complicit. You're most of the way there, and you do feel remorse. An excellent starting point. Explain the circumstances if you want to pour your heart out. Just know that they do not justify what you did.

 

As for her? Maybe her guy wasn't that great. Perfectly faithful people trudge through unhappy relationships for years or lifetimes even, so it only stands to reason that cheaters do too. But even if he is the Antichrist himself, it doesn't justify her cheating either. And not that it changes anything, but without marriage, joint finances or children to complicate things, if she really wanted you instead of him, she could have broken it off with him pretty easily. I hate to say it, but it seems like you were a dalliance for her, and not much more.

 

Take a deep breath, and as lalalollipops said, man up and take responsibility. Be honest with yourself and learn from this. It's the only way you can move forward.

[RadicalDreamer]

Living moment to moment does not make a person intelligent. Quite the opposite, it makes them short-sighted.

 

The problem here isn't society's arbitrary puritan morals, it's the fact that it involves the breaking of trust. This would be completely different if the woman was in an open relationship. But the woman involved is in a relationship with a man who expects faithfulness. She is breaking that expectation. The OP knew this, but continued anyway.

 

It would be different if she said "Hey, I really like this guy. Mind if we fool around?" and he said "No problem." Clearly, this is not the case.

[Longview01]

Couldn't of said it better myself

 

The OP and this girl deserve each other, I feel sorry for her BF tbh