Boyfriend and family have been hiding their thoughts on my weight

[liz22]

When I met my boyfriend I was a size 14 and now I am a 16. I have always been overweight but I never considered myself scary overweight. My boyfriend just laid it all out to me tonight that I need to take more pride in myself and lose weight. He said that he has been having A LOT of conversations with my parents about my weight and how concerned they are for me. I could not believe that this was going on. I am really close with my parent and can't believe that is the way that they look at me. They apparently think I am "spiraling out of control" because I have gone up a dress size in the past couple of years. I am very upset and crying now and don't know what to think. Can't believe this has been consuming so much of my parents thoughts and that they have been talking about it behind my back. I mean, I am a size 16 and this is making me feel like I need to get out the kind of scale that weighs whales. Any advise about this situation.

[Kitkat973]

This is a difficult situation. They were probably sincere in feeling like they were saying this out of caring for you, but it's also not up to someone else to decide what you should do with your body. I would be very wary of being in a relationship with someone who would talk to your parents about something like this instead of talking to you directly. That more than the weight is what screams red flag to me here.

[mouseno4]

I have no idea what size 16 and 14 are for a girl, but I get the idea that they may think your weight might cause you some health risk?

 

I don't know why girls are so conscious about their body esp their weight but they are. I think for your parents along with your boyfriend to be talking about it - they must see it as cause for concern.

[Ariel85]

I get the feeling that since you've been gaining so much weight (being a size 16 is not something you should dismiss as easily as you are - chances are you are morbidly obese at this size), they are concerned that you may not care (and from your post, your weight gain doesn't seem to actually bother you much).

 

Honestly, weight gain like this is just as detrimental to your health as drug or alcohol abuse. It sounds like your family and BF are trying to think of a way to provide you collective support. You should be happy to know they love you enough to try and get you well and healthy.

[mouseno4]

I've been doing a bit of research on dress sizes. From the pictures ive been seeing... Size 14 is what I call average. Size 16 is what I want in a girl. Something I can hold onto. But that is just what I have seen and my personal preference.

[elcie]

A lot depends on what country you are from....in America, size 14-16 is equivalent to about a size 16-18 in Australia and UK......

 

(being a size 16 is not something you should dismiss as easily as you are - chances are you are morbidly obese at this size)

 

Being a size 16, (or size 18 ) could possibly be termed "morbidly obese" if you are five foot two, but only "overweight" if you were five foot nine or taller. As you can see from all this conjecture, it is all highly subjective and depends on the individual.

 

What is MOST important is what YOU feel about YOURSELF!!!. Your boyfriend and parents are possibly more concerned about the direction you are heading in rather than your weight as it is at the moment, but there is only one person whose opinion matters and that's YOURS!

[liz22]

Thanks for your thoughts and advise so far!.....and just to clarify I am talking US dress size!

[romancejunkie]

What a load of RUBBISH! What is no way to act - your boyfriend and parents have to do some research before they come at you like this. 16 is the average size in the UK, hell it's a gorgeous size to be in my mind. I'm a 20, i'm overweight, I know it, and wish I have some willpower

 

I'm quite irritated they've done this, don't feel you are anything but beautiful though, no matter your weight. If you are unhappy - do some fun exercise or just modify your eating habits. If you are not, enjoy life and tell them PROUDLY so to back off.

[mouseno4]

Oh I apologise. I wasn't aware there were different sizes accross countries.

[abitbroken]

I am going to assume you are talking about American sizing. Are you a size 16 in the children's department or in the misses/women's department? if you are 16 in the KIDS department, you are the size of a small adult and have nothing to worry about unless you are 4 feet tall. Some may say you are on the slender side at the age of 16, but you may still be in that awkward stage. When I was 14-15, i was all rear end and boobs with no waist and I looked very awkward. When I hit 16, somehow I gained an extra inch of height in my waist and I looked more in proportion and even though i was a size bigger, I LOOKED skinnier. If you are a size 16 in the LADIes/MISSES department, I would say that it might be of a concern for you unless you are 6 foot tall. I am not saying that women can't be beautiful at size 16, but for your age, you are not a woman who has had several children, etc. For you, I would make sure that you are checked for thyroid issues, but I would also do my best to stay active - walk, hike, join a sport, and try to eat as many veggies and fruits - unfried - as you can. Again, not knowing your height it is hard to say. I am not saying every woman needs to be a size 0 - not every woman has that bone structure to be that way - but the healthier you are now and the fitter you can be, the healthier you can be later. It is natural for a young woman to perhaps be larger at 16, then 14, but they even out more into their adult shape at 16, where a boy may still have a huge growth spurt.

[abitbroken]

Oh I apologise. I wasn't aware there were different sizes accross countries.

 

Yes - british sizing is a bit different than american sizing. A size 8 UK is like a size 2 or maybe a 4 in the US. I am not familiar with the scale in australia.

[BlueMilk]

Sizing also differs from shop to shop. What is a size 16 in Old Navy is not a size 16 in Lane Bryant.

 

While I understand why you're freaking out OP, I also think you should carefully consider what they are saying. Gaining weight is apparently not the norm for you and you're not the type whose weight is constantly fluctuating. Maybe they see other things in your life that causes for concern (are you more apathetic? Are you generally lazier? More tired? Have this new habit of eating while bored? Etc.) Basically something had to have happened to cause you to gain weight when before you were stable.

 

One of the main ways I was kicked in the ass and began to lose weight was one of my sisters pulled me aside and told me quietly that while she understands my frustrations with my mom (we constantly fought about my weight) I /have/ been gaining and I should do something about it. I cried for two days after that then I did something about it. She was looking out for me, there was no hurtful deception or malicious reasons for her actions. Since this is the first time your boyfriend brought it up (and since he realized its such a sensitive topic that he spoke to your parents first to ensure its not just him) I highly, highly, highly recommend taking their advice to heart. They may be able to see something that you're totally blind to.

 

Another thing, being a size 16 is not easy, that means you'll need to go to plus size stores (trust me, as a 5'3" girl I went from a size 20, nearly 22 down to 12-14 US depending, so I know all about the misery of plus-size shopping and the bitter in-between stage where plus size is too big and the biggest average size is too small.) Also gaining weight is A LOT easier than losing it, especially if the weight crept up on you (as opposed to those who have problems gaining weight due to medical reasons.) So nip it in the bud when you only have 15 or so pounds to lose (no clue how accurate that is) rather than later when you have 40+ pounds to lose.

[gingerlemon]

I would also be very upset to find out that such conversations had been going on behind my back. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

Did they say exactly WHY they are concerned? And do you know why you have gained weight? I ask because I would be concerned for my partner (although I wouldn't be talking behind his back in that way) if he decided to only eat junk food, over eat and never get any exercise. However, if he was eating normal amounts/ healthily and getting a bit of exercise and still gaining some weight, I would look at it quite differently (I know lots of people who exercise lots and eat healthy and are still chubby). Are they genuinely concerned about you being unhealthy, or are they being 'petty' (sorry, not sure what word to use) about your looks?

 

If I were you, I would also sit the boyfriend down for a conversation and say that you would prefer in the future that any issues he might have are discussed with you directly, and not with your family behind your back. If he doesn't understand that, it would be a bit of a red flag.

[Jetta]

First see a doctor to determine if there is a medical reason for the weight gain. Then it's up to you to take it off. Reducing carb intake is working for me. Cut out junk foods is mainly what I'm doing as well as pasta and potatoes. If you crave salt eat a pickle, if you crave sweet have a diet soda or better yet sugar free jello. Berrries and cream with a little stavia is our replacement for ice cream. Now I'm working on replacing chocolate so far I haven't had it but I want to be able to eat some once in a while.

 

And my mom is a size 16 currently. I wouldn't call her obese but she is overweight. But you are tettering on the edge and it's an edge you don't want to go over. So regain control while you can. I've learned you don't have to exercise if you eat right for your body.

[hexaemeron]

I think you need to keep this in perspective. They're coming to you telling you that they're concerned for your health. And size 16 is big enough in most cases to negatively impact your health. I'm sorry, but that's just a fact. I could see you upset if this was an aesthetics issue, which doesn't seem to be the case.

 

Is it possible you're upset that you're having to face an issue you don't want to look at just yet, that they're forcing your hand, a bit?

[liz22]

I think my issue is that they are acting like I am crazy big like if I don't get control soon the fire dept. is going to have to come and break down a wall to get me out of the house. That is how is came accross to me. And the fact that they used the term "spiraling out of control" when I've gain one dress size in the past decade seemed a bit much to me. That is what hurt me.

[Ariel85]

Despite what other posters may think, a size 16 is a very large girl. It's precisely this mentality that enables Americans to be as fat as they are. People saying that a size 16 is just about right. It's not just about right. It's obese.

 

Liz - even gaining enough weight to go up a dress size is significant. I'm the same size and shape I've been since I was 15. I think if I put on weight to go up a size, my family would comment as well. I know any guy in my life would as well. And I would WANT them to, as letting your weight go is a very slippery slope.

 

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss and attack. Clearly your family and your BF love you, and are concerned for your well-being. I doubt they made the firemen reference, but it's interesting you processed it as such, don't you think? Like, perhaps there is a part of you that isn't happy with yourself for being this size and adding to it?

[dramallama]

What a load of RUBBISH! What is no way to act - your boyfriend and parents have to do some research before they come at you like this. 16 is the average size in the UK, hell it's a gorgeous size to be in my mind. I'm a 20, i'm overweight, I know it, and wish I have some willpower

But just because it is the average size, why does that make it ok? Average does not equal "ideal". If the average size is a 16, then it's a good idea for governments of those countries to look at educating about what is healthy and what isn't. Just because a lot of people are overweight it doesn't make it ok.

[abitbroken]

I think my issue is that they are acting like I am crazy big like if I don't get control soon the fire dept. is going to have to come and break down a wall to get me out of the house. That is how is came accross to me. And the fact that they used the term "spiraling out of control" when I've gain one dress size in the past decade seemed a bit much to me. That is what hurt me.

 

Liz, it may seem like one dress size, but they could be talking also of your whole history of time. They are concerned that your weight is increasing rather than stabilizing or getting slimmer. They love you and are concerned for you. Luckily, now is the time in your life, that if you were to make healthy changes, you will be able to make an easier change than someone older. "one dress size a decade" may be the natural affect of fighting weight gain with age and a slowing metabolism if you are talking about gaining one dress size from the decade between 40 and 50, let's say, but this isn't "one dress size a decade" - as you were a small child 10 years ago if you are 16 like I read. It really is that you gained it in the past year or two.

 

My sister had trouble with her weight - partially due to a medical condition but when the medical condition went away she just got out of the habit of going out there and running around on a soccor field, walking the dog, making fresh juice, etc., and got into the habit of watching tv, eating chips, etc, and being pretty sedintary. She started not being able to keep up with us walking around the zoo, etc, until she did something about it. She lost some weight and is not rail thin - she is average for her height, but she feels way better about herself. Please, for your own sake, before medical issues settle in as a young adult - take their concern to heart. Even ask your parents for help if you want. Maybe they can help by avoiding putting junk food in the house and planning family activities like hiking instead of movies and popcorn or maybe your bf would want to go for a bike ride with you.

[NightLily]

I think they went about this the wrong way and it is never easy to find out people have been talking about you negatively beind your back.

 

I personally won't comment on your weight though. You didn't list the stores you shop at or your height and without a picture it is hard to say if you are in danger or not. You should go to your doctor though to discuss your weight. They shouldn't be turning your weight into a family ordeal and your boyfriend should have been more sensitive. Your own health does still have to come first though.

[lostnscared]

A lot depends on what country you are from....in America, size 14-16 is equivalent to about a size 16-18 in Australia and UK......

 

 

 

Being a size 16, (or size 18 ) could possibly be termed "morbidly obese" if you are five foot two, but only "overweight" if you were five foot nine or taller. As you can see from all this conjecture, it is all highly subjective and depends on the individual.

 

What is MOST important is what YOU feel about YOURSELF!!!. Your boyfriend and parents are possibly more concerned about the direction you are heading in rather than your weight as it is at the moment, but there is only one person whose opinion matters and that's YOURS!

 

I agree. Unless you are under 5ft5, I don't see how being a size 16 is morbidly obese. It IS VERY overweight though, but not obese. The average American woman wears a size 14, so it's only a bit above average. But IMO a size 16 is a heavy size. But if you've only went up ONE size, I find it odd that your boyfriend told you to take "pride in yourself", you were obviously overweight when you met him. If you WANT to lose weight and be a smaller size then that is an entirely different matter. In other words if you are happy with your size and weight, then who care's what your bf and parents say.

[lostnscared]

Oh I don't take issue with you saying that a size 16 is a large size--I just find it odd that you said it was morbidly obese(which implies someone who is more than 50 pounds overweight). I think that a size 16 is larger than what I would want to be, but why should my standards for what is a good size be imposed on her? If she is otherwise healthy(which she COULD be) then the only reason she would want to lose weight is to appease other people which IMO isn't a good reason. People who lose weight and keep it off, do it for themselves. I've put on weight, and lost weight throughout my teenage years up until now (I'm 24) and my parents did voice concern when I gained too much weight, but usually when I gained weight I KNEW it. Who is to say that the OP isn't OKAY with her weight and that is why the gain hasn't bothered her. If she has health problems due to her weight, that's a different matter... But just losing weight to appeal to some mainstream idea of what looks good(if the OP doesn't agree) or because her parents and boyfriend think she's too fat won't keep the weight off--she has to do it for herself.

I think the bigger issue is that they have been talking about it behind her back. Why weren't they honest and direct with her from the getgo?

[AwdreeHpburn]

I went from a size 16 down to a size 1 in 8 mos. I didn't do it because I wanted to appease anyone or fit into some ideal of society. I did it because I was telling myself that size 14 and 16 wasn't that big and was therefore permitting myself to get bigger. I'm 5"3. I wasn't supposed to be 180 lbs. (almost 14 stone) I'm not suggesting a size 16 is too big for a human - I don't think any one is saying that, but no more excuses. If you're overweight and people are concerned, maybe it's something to look into.

 

If you're not THAT overweight and they're just being hypercritical, then no worries. You can easily show them, and yourself, the stats. YOU know your height and body frame, bmi etc. The numbers are out there....

[lostnscared]

I went from a size 16 down to a size 1 in 8 mos. I didn't do it because I wanted to appease anyone or fit into some ideal of society. I did it because I was telling myself that size 14 and 16 wasn't that big and was therefore permitting myself to get bigger. I'm 5"3. I wasn't supposed to be 180 lbs. (almost 14 stone) I'm not suggesting a size 16 is too big for a human - I don't think any one is saying that, but no more excuses. If you're overweight and people are concerned, maybe it's something to look into.

 

If you're not THAT overweight and they're just being hypercritical, then no worries. You can easily show them, and yourself, the stats. YOU know your height and body frame, bmi etc. The numbers are out there....

 

IF that was your reasons for doing it, then that is fine. In terms of the OP if she is satisfied with her weight THEN that is why I said she should not appease others or appeal to some mainstream idea of what looks good. I've never been a size 16 so I can't comment on how that would look on me or if that's morbidly obese, but I do think it's important that the OP lose weight for HERSELF. Her boyfriend, her parents, etc while their concerns are valid, in the long run people will make decisions according to their own beliefs.

 

And what if someone WANTS to be overweight despite the health problems, lol? I mean should they really try to lose weight, even if they don't want to, or are okay with themselves, in order to please others???? That is my point. The OP has not stated if she is healthy or not, if she WANTS to lose weight, or if she IS morbidly obese. If she is 5ft11 and wears a size 16 that could very well be "average" for her. Who knows.