Ex (apparently) left rebound, what's my next step?

[LittleMonkey]

The story so far: 4.5 years relationship, dumped me almost 5 weeks ago, found out she's found another guy 2.5 weeks after she dumped me(which devastated me completely). After trying to recover from the shock, I've been trying to improve my life. Reflecting on what went wrong, working out, going out, finding a new job, moving (soon) to an apartment etc.

 

So yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine, about the whole being dumped business, how I'm coping and stuff. It's been almost 5 weeks of NC, and the only life sign I received from her is her 'Liking' a pic of my cat that I've uploaded to Facebook (a few days before that).

Her liking the pic made me wonder what is it about, I hardly believe she'd do that for no reason. It also means she went to my profile...

Anyways talking to my friend, I told her about the rebound she's having, and said what's the deal with that and liking. So my friend (without asking) went to her profile page (she also has her on the friends) and told me the accursed 'In a Relationship' with the rebound (which appeared there about 2.5 weeks ago) is gone, and her status is now blank. I said maybe it's just her making that relationship stuff private, but my friend again went to the rebound guy's profile and told me he's stated as single.

Now I don't know how long it's been like that, but I'm thinking what to do next. Maybe now's the chance to make first contact? Maybe her liking the pic is 'sniffing around' to check if I'm mad at her? Maybe she's afraid to make first contact? Up until the 'Like' I really thought she resented me, but both of these details may cast a different light on things.

Another thing, here birthday's less then a month from now, I thought if I won't make contact until then maybe that will be a good 'excuse'. I'm just worried I have a window of opportunity now and don't want to miss it.

 

So what do you think guys? These days I feel sort of fine most of the time, still remembering her and missing her a lot.

[dramallama]

- delete her from facebook because you two are not friends

- liking a status means nothing after you've been dumped (perhaps in the dating stage it could be flirty, but not after you've been dumped)

- what makes you think that just because she is single that she wants to get back together with you?

- she dumped you, so if she wants to be with you, SHE will let YOU know

- ignore her birthday. You are not her friend/family/lover so it is just another day

- if someone is "afraid" of contacting you after THEY dumped YOU, then you are just making excuses for them because they don't want to be with you all that much

- in short, do nothing, except delete her from facebook and change your settings so that non friends can only see ONE picture and your names and stop stalking BOTH of their pages. If you keep stalking them - block them both.

[hello678]

Do you really want her after she dumped you to have sex with a rebound guy? Think about it. I mean will you deeply value the relationship with her and respect her as both a person and a partner that you can trust, rely on to meet your needs?

 

I couldn't thats for sure.

 

Its hard to let go but its something that you really need to do. Be glad that her rebound didn't work out, but stay the * * * * away from her.

[LittleMonkey]

Look, I really don't know what's been going on on her side. I wasn't 'stalking' her facebook. My friend checked it out without asking me. Deleting her from facebook would be and act of spite, and I don't want to give that impression. And about ignoring her birthday, I really thing that's no option, as I think it would be really rude..

[dramallama]

Look, I really don't know what's been going on on her side. I wasn't 'stalking' her facebook. My friend checked it out without asking me. Deleting her from facebook would be and act of spite, and I don't want to give that impression. And about ignoring her birthday, I really thing that's no option, as I think it would be really rude..

Ok well, whether you realise it or not, you are holding onto her in your mind. You care more about what she thinks than what is best for you and healing. You can stay facebook friends and contact her on your birthday all you want, but really, you're doing yourself no favours. If a friend tells you what is going on with her life, ask them not to tell you. Not until you've removed your ex from YOUR life can you move on.

 

It would be rude of you to ignore her birthday if you were her friend, but you aren't. It's not rude to move on from someone that has chosen not to be with you.

[WeightOffChest]

I disagree/agree with both of the posters in this thread. First, I'd like to say that everyone has different morals and values, so I wouldn't necessarily judge the OP for wanting an ex who got out of a rebound relationship. Shed the Puritanical mindset of sex as a negative, and realize that a 4.5 year relationship may carry more weight than the fact that most people enjoy sex freely. Also, while I don't agree with the hard-line, tough-love NC approach sometimes, I feel that dramallama is right in terms of doing nothing. There is nothing for you to do. There was no situation that presented itself. Just bits and pieces that you've put together in your mind to create a scenario where you can draw your own conclusion. Don't delude yourself into thinking that there's a "step" involved. The only thing for you to do is to take care of yourself, which is what the breakup should help you realize.

 

Liking a photo means nearly nothing. Facebook actions are equal to inaction. Anything short of her reaching you and wanting to reconcile or get closure is not a real gesture.

 

You write that she "apparently left rebound". How do you know she wasn't dumped? How do you know that she didn't leave him because she just needs to be single for a change? For the first time in nearly 4.5 years, she's really single, so you should let her have her freedom. You guys have obviously been together for quite some time now, so I'm positive that there's a meaningful bond between you two. There probably are a lot of unresolved feelings that go with a breakup from a relationship of that length. However, when enough time has passed, then you two will be able to clear the air naturally. Chances are, she'll probably reach out to you first, seeing as she moved into a rebound relationship and hasn't properly taken the time for herself to heal. Don't make a mistake of thinking you need to capitalize on some imaginary opportunity that you've created in your head. Some good advice I've found here in regards to reconciliation, "if you don't do anything, you can't screw anything up."

[LittleMonkey]

I'm giving her freedom it's not like I'm chasing/stalking her or anything, I'm working on my life. I don't think that means I should burn all the bridges. I've been on NC for more than 6 weeks now, ever since the breakup. The problem is, not doing anything CAN screw things up, as she might take offense with me not calling, or giving her the impression that I hate her/don't want to talk to her ever again.. I'm thinking about calling her on her birthday. I know what some of you might think, that it's a bad idea, but I think not calling would be rude. Calling her might clear the air a bit and show her that I'm happy with life etc.

 

Now if that evolves into something more it won't be instant. I'll make sure to make it right. Of course, all of that depends on her actually answering the phone.

[dramallama]

If you're contacting an ex to "show" them how happy you are and how non-chalant or not rude you are, you shouldn't be contacting them at all, IMHO.

[Seymore]

First off, you are WAY overthinking this. All of this over a "liked" pic means nothing. Second of all, what do you care? The girl dumped you for another guy...after a 4.5 YEAR relationship. Do you want someone who'll flake on you like that? You trying to get her back will send the message "Walk all over me! Leave me for another guy all you want, because I will always be here when you get bored!"

 

NO. Delete her from Facebook, do NOT wish her a happy birthday, and stop worrying about what's spiteful, what makes you look like a jerk. You're so worried about being rude after she DUMPED YOU. And get the idea that you'll get her back out of your head. Six weeks of NC is small potatoes. Admirable, but just the beginning. You don't need someone like this in your life. Take control. Let HER chase YOU, because girls don't really find guys who keep chasing them attractive.

[Brownstone322]

To the original poster: Seymore makes some good points here.

 

For all you know, now that your ex is unattached once again, she may be thinking of contacting you. By not contacting her on her birthday, you actually make yourself look stronger. Women don't like weak. So do the counterintuitive thing: nothing.

 

Five weeks of no contact is indeed "small potatoes." She may make the next move, and you need to be patient and give her that opportunity. And even if she does, you need to remain strong and relatively aloof until she EARNS her way back into your life.

 

Meanwhile, yes, it's entirely possible that she actually may be afraid to contact you, or (worse) she simply may not be interested in contacting you ever again; these are chances you need to take. But, as an independent third party, it's clear to me that your running to her shortly after her other relationship fell apart will not make you look good.

[ngu11]

I happen to disagree. I think her 'like' to your photo says a lot. You need to make a conscious effort to do something like that. It shows that at least for a moment, she thought about you. Delete her from FB? why? This shows nothing but the fact that you can't deal with having a window into her life. On her bday, if you want to contact her.. She will appreciate it as I'm positive she is conscious of whether you will make contact or not. You clearly want her back so regret what you do, not what you don't. Good luck

[Brownstone322]

I happen to disagree. I think her 'like' to your photo says a lot. You need to make a conscious effort to do something like that. It shows that at least for a moment, she thought about you.

You could be right about that, but it's all the more reason to see what she does next. in other words, it may be a positive sign, but she needs to do better than that.

 

Delete her from FB? why? This shows nothing but the fact that you can't deal with having a window into her life.

I never agreed with that part either. That accomplishes nothing.

 

On her bday, if you want to contact her.. She will appreciate it as I'm positive she is conscious of whether you will make contact or not. You clearly want her back so regret what you do, not what you don't. Good luck

Well, there's something to be said for "sins of omission" versus "sins of commission," but I still think he needs to sit back and see if she makes another move. Yes, she's probably conscious that he's out there, and she's probably curious as to whether he will or won't acknowledge her birthday, but he'll probably look stronger by doing nothing. Remember, she effectively left him for another guy, and he has no place pursuing her, not anytime soon.

[Seymore]

I only say he should delete her from Facebook because he can't seem to control himself from looking at hers. He's even checking up on the other guy she was with. I believe it's detrimental to his moving on from her.

[LittleMonkey]

I happen to disagree. I think her 'like' to your photo says a lot. You need to make a conscious effort to do something like that. It shows that at least for a moment, she thought about you. Delete her from FB? why? This shows nothing but the fact that you can't deal with having a window into her life. On her bday, if you want to contact her.. She will appreciate it as I'm positive she is conscious of whether you will make contact or not. You clearly want her back so regret what you do, not what you don't. Good luck

 

You could be right about that, but it's all the more reason to see what she does next. in other words, it may be a positive sign, but she needs to do better than that.

 

 

I never agreed with that part either. That accomplishes nothing.

 

 

Well, there's something to be said for "sins of omission" versus "sins of commission," but I still think he needs to sit back and see if she makes another move. Yes, she's probably conscious that he's out there, and she's probably curious as to whether he will or won't acknowledge her birthday, but he'll probably look stronger by doing nothing. Remember, she effectively left him for another guy, and he has no place pursuing her, not anytime soon.

 

I only say he should delete her from Facebook because he can't seem to control himself from looking at hers. He's even checking up on the other guy she was with. I believe it's detrimental to his moving on from her.

 

Thanks for all the opinions guys.

 

To clarify:

I'm NOT checking her Facebook profile, a friend of mine did it without asking and told me.

Also, about the rebound/whatever guy, I don't know what happened there really, and so far (6.5 weeks) I haven't made any contact so I'm not pursuing her.

 

UPDATE:

Yesterday I uploaded a new profile pic to Facebook, and today I see she 'Liked' it. Now that's a second like. Again, something very small, but I do think it shows something, maybe an attempt to probe around on me.

 

I agree with ngu11, I don't think someone suddenly 'likes' a photo out of the blue for no reason whatsoever. Also, about the birthday, I think I'll regret it if I won't call. Besides, calling is one thing and the content of the call is another matter, calling doesn't always have to show neediness. How about showing her that I don't 'hate' her, that I'm okay and having a good time etc. It doesn't mean I'll bring up the relationship at all or ask about getting back together or anything like it. Only give a small taste, clear the wall of awkwardness and open the way to future communications (the breakup didn't go very nicely, there also was absolutely NO contact after I've been told I've been broken up with).

 

Now the main question is do I acknowledge her 'likes' and make contact during the following days (I did make a lot of changes since I've seen her last) or wait until the 23rd for her birthday?

[mrbatman]

Hi

I think that the "likes" are good signs, it shows that she is thinking about you and making the effect to check your facebook profile.

 

What I would say is just try and play it as cool as you can. Dont mention anything about her liking your facebook pictures.

[dramallama]

I think if I dumped my ex and wanted to get back together with them after I dumped them for someone else, I would do much more than liking their pictures if I wanted to be with them.

 

Why are you still even facebook friends with her after she dumped you for someone else? Get some confidence and stop hanging around for breadcrumbs/facebook likes.

[Brownstone322]

Now the main question is do I acknowledge her 'likes' and make contact during the following days (I did make a lot of changes since I've seen her last) or wait until the 23rd for her birthday?

Neither one. You have been warned.'

[Seymore]

Now the main question is do I acknowledge her 'likes' and make contact during the following days (I did make a lot of changes since I've seen her last) or wait until the 23rd for her birthday?

 

Exactly why I said to unfriend her. Look at all the torture this "like" thing she's doing is putting you through. You're scrambling on the floor for little bread crumbs, like dramallama said.

 

De-friend her, work on getting some self-respect and to hell with her birthday, because I know exactly what will happen if you wish her a happy birthday. You're going to come back on here saying "She said thanks after I wished her a happy birthday...that has to mean something!" Break that cycle. The sooner you do, the easier it will be.

 

Why on earth would you pay someone who treats you like dirt the time of day? Be completely honest with yourself...if she is with another guy right now or if you could look into the future and see that there is no way in hell you'll get her back...would you give a darn about her birthday?

 

Sorry to be so blunt about it but the overthinking and pining over a girl who should be coming after YOU and not the other way around...totally reminds me of me in the past. I wish I'd have listened to people who gave me this advice sooner.

[Brownstone322]

Now, look, what he does or doesn't do with Facebook is meaningless. Facebook itself is meaningless. Let it go already.

 

I don't know the particulars of this guy's life, but "de-friending" someone from Facebook doesn't change anything. Chances are he still knows where she lives; he still knows her phone numbers; he still knows where she works or goes to school; he still knows where her parents live; she and he still have mutual friends. In that context, Facebook is pretty miniscule.

 

What's important is self-control, and self-control is not about technology. It comes from within, and it comes with time.

[Seymore]

Of course it changes things. Are you not seeing the obsessing he's doing over this ridiculous "like" thing? De-friend, block, whatever...but it couldn't hurt. He needs to get her off his mind and removing as much of her as possible is a good start. Maybe then he can start to clear his head.

 

I agree it's about self-control, but an alcoholic begins to kick booze by removing the things that tempted him to drink as well.

 

And to ngu: You missed my point. He no longer NEEDS a window into her life. He is not her boyfriend anymore. He needs to let her go, and keeping her as a Facebook friend is detrimental to that. It's got zero to do with showing anyone anything because the only person Monkey should be concerned with now is himself.

[diddums]

Ignore her birthday, My ex left me last year(still not completely over her) it got to her birthday last month i came to here for help and guess what i didnt send a text! Next day i got 3 messages from her, Overly excited hellos and then asking me to stop ignoring her it was clearly annoying her and shocked her that i didnt say anything to her on her birthday like people said she will expect contact, DONT! yet she still messages me every 1-2 weeks trying to start a convo its now been 4 months NC for me. She lost you man so show her that, it shows more strength and that you dont need her. I thought it would be rude to not send something on her birthday but if she wanted you to be around for it she would let you know, besides its not the last of her birthdays. You dont have to delete her off facebook just dont look into things or look at the pages, tell yourself you have no reason to nothing shes doing is important. If she wants you she will let you know and fight for you