Was sending this last email and text a bad move? 3 Weeks post-breakup

[lulu87]

Hey everyone! I have been reading the forums for a week now and I have learned a lot, and its been really helpful! I have a dilemma that I want to ask some opinions on. Sorry this is such a novel, but there is a lot of back story to tell.

 

My boyfriend and I broke up on June 11th, so its been 17 days. We were together for 2 years and 3 months. I had left my boyfriend of 6.5 years for the most recent ex. That earlier relationship was terrible, that boyfriend was a stoner/weed dealer with no ambition and he was weighing me down, so that was for the best. I had to help him with all his schoolwork (we were all in college) and he just didn't have his stuff together at all, and his friends were around literally 24/7, watching cartoons.

 

I happened to meet my most recent ex, lets call him "John", through him. So we launched right into an intense relationship, I said I loved him really early on (we had known each other for about 8 months already though) and we actually moved in together at about 6 months. He was 20, I was 22. I tried to tell myself the age difference didn't matter, but I think it did in the end. John and I lived in an on-campus apartment for the 09-10 school year, and we started to fight often. He is a difficult person, but he thinks he is perfect. He is arrogant, and I honestly think he may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I was a psych major lol). I think he has a lot of deep-seated insecurities about his masculinity, because he constantly was offended by me and felt like I was challenging him (he liked to say "antagonizing") when I wasn't doing anything wrong. I at this time was on birth control pills, that made me have horrible mood swings and I would cry at the drop of a hat. So my moods and his attitude clashed and we had serious fights. The fights were usually about him snapping at me, yelling at me, and overreacting to things. I am not a submissive girl so I wouldn't stand for his bullying and we would end up screaming/throwing things, almost break up, and then make up. It was definitely turbulent the first year. Mind you, he is a body-builder and his parents would accuse him of being on steroids (he wasn't), that's how bad his temper was.

 

After that school year ended, we moved into an off-campus apartment that was absolutely tiny. The day we moved in, he was carrying the microwave and a shelf and his finger got pinched, so he roared in anger and smashed the microwave on the floor. That's what I was dealing with all the time, but he never hit me. He was just very aggressive, it was annoying. I did the same thing sometimes, but with me I would throw like...a pen or a pillow. Over that summer (2010) we both worked and he was tired and crabby all the time. The next school year came around and I ended up helping him with a lot of his schoolwork, I actually did a project for him and he got the best grade in the class. I don't know why I do so much when I don't get anything in return. We continued to argue over random things, mostly his propensity to sit on the couch and play Xbox all day long and hog the TV. He would only watch TV or movies with me when he got to pick them, if I watched something he would take the Xbox to the bedroom and play in there. I felt very alone, because I was living in a college town after my friends graduated and he was the only person I had there. I got a kitten who he was very mean to, he would throw him and scream at him if he accidentally got scratched. We got in many arguments about the kitten. If he used the litterbox, John would make me get out of bed at 4 AM and clean it. He was just very very angry all the time. He was a smoker as well, so if he didn't yet have a cigarette in the morning he was a beast. I actually wasn't allowed to speak to him when we woke up in the morning until he had been up for an hour and he had had a cigarette. He also began smoking weed after we came back from Christmas break. I wasn't cool with him smoking weed because I associate it with my ex-boyfriend, and his becoming a stoner ruined our relationship. It really bothered me that John was starting to go in that direction, including hanging out and smoking with sketchy neighbors of ours or even inviting them over at night without asking me first. There was actually a night when he invited a guy with no teeth and his pregnant cigarette-smoking girlfriend into our apartment, I was so mad about it. He literally met these people in the parking lot and asked them to come over.

 

For spring break, we went on a cruise. I fronted him the money for the cruise and the airfare, and he agreed to pay me back. His father gives him $1000 a month, and he owed me $960. I had been living off the leftover money from my student loans, and in fact had to take out extra loan money to cover the rent, and that was running out. He knew that money was tight for me. I eventually asked him for the money so I could pay the rent and the cable bill, and his response astonished me. He said that he only owed me $200 now, because he had put some gas in my car, bought some groceries and had been driving me around and buying me coffee, and taking me on dates! I was so angry, and we got into a big screaming fight. I never got any cash from him out of the $960 he owed me. He just paid the rent for me that month and I gave up trying to get the rest back.

 

During the last few months of the school year, we decided that we would be moving back to our parent's homes once our lease was up. He had to go back to school for an extra semester in the fall, and we agreed it was best for me to try to find a job in the meantime. We went to college in a very economically depressed area, and there were literally no jobs that paid more than $7.50. I became depressed and spent literally hours and hours every day scouring job boards for any opportunities. I had several interviews that I had to drive back to my hometown for, which is 3.5 hours away. I would come back after the interview and he would barely ask me how it went, and he would interrupt me when I began to tell him about it and he would change the topic. I was very unhappy and worried about the job market and I was also worried that he didn't like me anymore. We had many discussions about my concern that he was going to dump me when we moved back home. He lives an hour away from my house, which isn't that bad, but we would only be seeing each other on weekends and talking on the phone or Skype during the week. He is terrible about calling, and he never has his phone nearby so it was up to him to contact me most nights because he was impossible to reach. He told me that he loved me so much, that I am the best thing that's ever happened to him, that he wants to be with me for the long haul, and all kinds of stuff like that. He told me we would stay together and it would be fine, because we lived apart during our first summer and it was great and I had nothing to worry about.

 

We moved back to our respective parent's houses on May 21st. We had some decently long phone conversations and everything seemed to be going well. The last weekend in May, I visited his house and he decided to sit on the porch and smoke weed with his brother. I can't be near weed because I can't risk failing a drug test during my job search. We saw a couple of movies and had sex a couple times and everything seemed to be okay. On Monday morning, he seemed to be in a rush to get me out the door. I would usually stay until after lunch and then head out, but he made up some story about how he had to do something for his dad which I knew to be a lie. I left anyway and didn't call him out on it. The next weekend after that, the first in June, I had to go back to the college to take a 3 day seminar for my grad school program. While I was gone, he didn't contact me at all until the last night, where he talked to me on Facebook and told me he missed me so much and I'm his best friend, etc. The next day he called me in the afternoon and we talked for half an hour, but he got tense when I asked if he wanted to come down and go to the beach with me the next weekend. I said "okay you want to see what better options there are before you commit to that, I see how it is" and we got off the phone. The next day he called me and told me he would be coming down to see me the next weekend and that he really missed me. I was super excited because usually it was like pulling teeth to get a confirmation.

 

So the next Saturday, he texted me and told me he was on the way and told me to meet him at a restaurant. He then called me when he got closer and said to meet him at a different restaurant that was a lot farther away, like 30 mins from my house. I was perturbed by this but I filled my car up with gas and went out there to meet him. He greeted me and gave me a hug and kiss and acted happy to see me. We sat down at the restaurant, made chit chat, ordered our food, and everything seemed ok. Then he started talking about how he misses me a lot when he is at home and how busy he is (he works with his dad) and that its hard. He kept going on like this so I said "what, do you want to break up?" and he said yes! I was stunned. He explained to me that he didn't love me anymore, and that he had been planning this. I was so upset and angry. I don't understand why I had to be set up to get so excited for his visit when he was intending on doing that. He also kept eating his lunch and offering me a taste of his shrimp! I lost my appetite and he picked my food off my plate and carried on chatting like it was okay.

 

He walked me to my car and I started crying, and he actually cried too, which is something I had never seen him do before. He takes great pride in being super macho. After about an hour of me crying and asking for explanations and trying to convince him not to leave me, he got out of the car and left. I honestly may never see him again in my life. While I was crying, he kept kissing my forehead and neck and caressing me and brushing my hair out of my face. It was just so ridiculous. The next night he called me and we talked for an hour about why he wanted to break up, he basically said we had a "bad relationship", and that maybe in a month he will realize leaving me was the worst decision he ever made and would come back, and other things to basically get my hopes up for no reason. I sent him a long email that night telling him how I felt about him and what changes I was willing to make to salvage our relationship.

 

The next night he called me again and we talked for an hour and a half, and this time he was really mean. He told me he was never going to sleep with me again, that he didn't love me anymore and hadn't in a long time, that he wanted to date other people, that I should date a guy that has a personality like my gay best friend, and that he could love a new girl more than he loved me. I found all of this to be uncalled for and mean spirited. I also was accused of having mental health problems, he said "aren't you bipolar anyway?" I am not! He also told me the fact that I didn't orgasm all the time during sex was a sign that we were not meant to be! How ridiculous! He just got really nasty to me and told me we will never ever date again, that he never wants to live with me again, and that he will be friends with me and hang out but he might have another girlfriend by then. I told him well forget that then.

 

I sent him a brief email that night basically telling him to have a nice life, that he was terrible to me and was mean to me for a long time.

The next day he sent me a string of emails saying things like "I am so so so sorry for being so mean to you and your poor kitten" "i hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me some day" "i am quitting everything I care about, you are like my heroin, i am quitting you and smoking". He also said that he would be there to help me if anything bad happened to me. He actually said to me that if I ever needed protection from another guy he would be there for me (I assume he means beat him up?!) and that if I was stuck on the side of the road, he would come help. I said thanks but I'm not that pathetic and I don't need your pity. I told him to please not talk to me because it just upsets me and I told him I was removing him from my Facebook friends.

 

A week later, I had to call him to figure out what we should do about all my things that were still in our apartment. He was going back to the same apartment in the fall, so I had left him my bed, desk, armchair, bookshelves, dresser, microwave, and all the kitchenware. He made some chit chat with me after we discussed the logistics of that and called me a "poor thing" because I had to watch my sick grandmother one night while my aunt was out. I don't like being patronized. He talked about himself a little bit and that was that. He said "I'll talk to you later" at the end of the call.

 

We haven't spoken for a week now. This past weekend, I wrote him a long email explaining how I feel about our relationship and my perspective on things. Here it is:

 

 

 

John,

 

 

I want you to know that you are loved, and that I really care about you. Thank you for sharing two years of your life with me.

 

I also want you to know that this really hurt me. I think that you used me in some ways, and whether you realized it at the time or not, I don't know.

 

I had asked you so many times if you wanted to break up, or if you were going to dump me when we went home. You must not have been honest with me when you told me everything would be fine, that I'm a great girlfriend, that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to you, and that a girlfriend like me was all you had hoped for. You made me feel secure and I believed that everything was going to be okay, and then you pulled the rug out from under me.

 

I remember one night out on our porch in May, when we had a heart to heart and you told me that I was so good for you, that you wanted to be with me for a long time, and other sentimental statements about our bond. I was shocked when not long after that, you told me that you haven't loved me for months. Why would you have lied to me and told me all these things when you didn't mean them?

 

You shouldn't say that you couldn't have told me the truth, and that I wouldn't have moved out of the apartment if you had. That isn't true. I have to say that you have me wrong in a lot of ways. You don't know exactly what I think or would think and do under any given circumstance. You had me written off as very predictable. The way things ended makes me feel like I was being used for sex and to save you some money on rent, and it leads me question the sincerity of most of our relationship.

 

You said some really mean things to me on the phone, about how you think I am bipolar or have other mental issues. That is hurtful to me, because I don't have any mental problems. I thought that I might have had something going on but it was really the hormones from the pills (think of it like roid rage). You also felt the need to tell me that you could love someone else more than you loved me, and that was very mean-spirited and didn't have to be said. You repeatedly said that you would never sleep with me again, and I don't think that was called for. That is implied in a breakup and didn't need to be rubbed in my face.

 

I have a lot of self esteem issues stemming from our relationship. You scared me sometimes when you got so mad about things (what is coming to mind right now is the microwave). You seem to hold my former relationship with (ex) against me, and you think that you know how I acted and thought in that situation, but you don't know. You only saw a few months of it, and you made me feel like I constantly had to justify my past and decisions I made when I was a teenager. You also didn't take me very seriously. When I told you I loved you, I really meant it. Don't misconstrue my sincerity as a weakness. I am honest about everything and I mean what I say.

 

You also told me you smoked weed because of me, and that is harsh. It is cause or effect? I got mad because you smoked, and you smoked because I annoyed you when I was mad.... You said that you are happier now that you are at home and aren't angry like you were in Plymouth anymore. I'm happy to hear that. However, you are attributing your anger and behavior to my presence, and I don't think that is fair. We are both happier in our homes with more physical space, and that's to be expected, because that apartment was tiny and horrible.

 

Also, it isn't at all that I am unfriendly or don't like going out...I was very stressed out and had no money, and didn't really know anyone in (college town) that well. I do like going out and doing things, believe it or not, but there isn't a lot to do in NH and it was winter almost all the time. I go out now and there is always something to do, unlike the atmosphere in Plymouth. We spent too much time together in that apartment, so we never had time to miss and appreciate each other. I know very well that I'm flawed and I regret many things that I said and did. Maybe I made you feel too pressured about the future, which I apologize for. I am young too, and shouldn't have tried to be so serious.

 

I didn't want to tag along and be a wheel if you went out with your guy friends, or depend on you to make friends for me. I also wouldn't have been upset if you went out without me more often, but I think you believed it would be a problem if you did, so you stayed in with me when you didn't want to, and that lead to resentment.

 

I apologize for burdening you with my anxieties and problems. I wasn't in a positive frame of mind for a long time. I know you think I am some kind of emotional train-wreck but I really am not. After getting off those birth control pills, I don't cry now and I don't have mood swings. Its too bad it took me so long to figure out what was wrong. I'm very stable and in a much better mood all the time. I've been doing fine for the past couple weeks, although I do miss you and wish things didn't end they way they did.

 

John, I was always there for you to the best of my abilities and I was very supportive of you and your goals. I looked up to you in some ways. I took a great interest in your life and what you and your family were doing. I helped you with school in any way I could, such as with your health class tests or the marketing simulation. After all our time together, I hoped that I was more important to you than I turned out to be.

 

I want you to know that I was so proud of you and everything you did and I thought you were great, and I still do. I think you are an amazing guy and I was proud that you were my boyfriend. I now feel like I meant nothing to you, which I suppose is true. Its not a good feeling to realize that you have been played by someone to whom you gave everything you could. I loved you unconditionally.

 

The breakup was very confusing considering you had been telling me you think about me all the time, that you never met anyone like me, and that I'm your best friend, you miss me, etc. not a week before. Was that true? I don't know anymore. I think you compared our relationship to (his brother and his girlfriend). Honestly, I am not a pushover and I guess I have a strong personality that isn't always easy to deal with, and so do you. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't want to feel like I am not an equal to the man I am with, and I can't always smile and giggle and bite my tongue to spare someone's ego. Maybe my life would be easier if I was dumber? It takes work for two people like us to be together, but then again every relationship worth having takes effort.

 

I would have done anything for you, and I really mean that. I understand that you must have thought about this decision for a while. Please realize that you won't find everything you are looking for in one person. Life just doesn't work like that. You may find someone who likes the same music as you, who smokes weed, who fits this or that criteria. But finding someone who is your best friend, grows with you, cares about you so much it hurts, believes in you and accepts everything about you is rare and is something that you may not find again.

 

I am in the process of getting everything in order to leave for Korea*** at the end of August. I need a change of scenery. I will be gone soon and you can pretend we never knew each other, if that's what you want.

 

I forgive you, but it still hurts me deeply, and I won't forget about us. I wish you only the best. John, you will always have a piece of my heart.

 

 

Love,

 

Lulu87

 

 

*** I am in the process of interviewing for a teaching position in South Korea. I have always wanted to travel in Asia, but my boyfriends have never been interested. I see this as my chance to go and do it. I am not sure if I am actually going as soon as August, but its a possibility. Honestly, I want him to regret what he has done to me. I really think he needs to reflect on himself and how he behaves and I hope that my email inspires him to do so.

 

 

I texted him and told him to check his email, because he rarely looks. His password is saved on my computer and I checked, and he read it. He hasn't responded but I don't really expect/require him to. I just want him to know how I feel, and that I gave my all to the relationship. I also sent him a text tonight saying "I loved having you in my life while it lasted. I respect your decision, even though it makes me sad. I'll be okay. I want you to be happy."

 

 

So, what do you all think of my situation? My friends and family didn't like him at all. They said he seemed disingenuous and insincere (he acted like a car salesman with my parents) and they knew about a lot of our fights. I realize after writing all this down that I must be crazy to have stayed and waited for him to dump me! I'm sure he is already dating other girls. When we broke up he immediately contacted his ex from high school and told her to call him. I feel very disrespected by all of this and I am angry. But holding on to anger is pointless and I am just going to take the high road and forgive him and move on. It is still hard and I am still struggling with it, mostly because I haven't been single since I was 15 and I am worried about dating. I also feel abandoned, and betrayed. He wasn't really there for me anyway and didn't like to talk to me, so his actual absence isn't really noticeable.

 

Should I not have written him that letter or text? What do you guys think of all this? I'm sorry this was sooooooo long. Thank you everyone that got to the end!

[curiocity]

I feel for you but this I guarantee (you can come back to this post some time from now and see how accurate I was):

 

- You will get over this guy

- Both of you were not bad people but too young - you have to go through several heart aches early on to fid your one true love.

- It will hurt like crazy and then you will find someone and I promise that in one evening this guy will be a nobody in your life.

 

Good luck and believe.

[dramallama]

Well, it's a bit late now to un-send it. But I would say that your family probably have a better perspective of how good he was for you than you do. How did you put up with this guy? What made you think it was ok for him to treat you that way? You are too concerned with being "nice". But really, it is better to be alone than with someone that doesn't respect you. Keep this post and come back and read it in one year's time. You will wonder what the hell you were thinking. Also, get a copy of the book, "why men love bi-tches" - it's not really about being a female dog, but about keeping your identity within a relationship. ALWAYS look out for number one.

 

Definitely pursue your dream of going to South Korea. Don't let some guy stop you from achieving your dream. Now is the perfect time and you won't regret it.

[curiocity]

No do NOT get a copy of 'why men love bi-tches'.

 

The decent guys and the normal uncrazy guys DO NOT love bi-tches.

 

Decent guys love decent girls who dont play games.

 

True love only exists when you dont play games including not playing games of being a bi-tch.

[dramallama]

No do NOT get a copy of 'why men love bi-tches'.

 

The decent guys and the normal uncrazy guys DO NOT love bi-tches.

 

Decent guys love decent girls who dont play games.

 

True love only exists when you dont play games including not playing games of being a bi-tch.

Have you read the book?

[lulu87]

I stayed because I am too loyal, apparently. He could be a lot of fun and I really did feel a connection with him, but he was so unpredictable and moody. We fought so much BECAUSE I didn't let him talk to me with disrespect or be rude to me. Our arguments usually started when I would call him out on what he was doing to me. He can't take any criticism at all. I do realize that I was far too forgiving and patient with him and tolerated it for too long. I was in school too and was on the lease for the apartment, and I couldn't afford to move somewhere else. We had good times too, obviously I am mentioning the bad things here. But as more time passes since the breakup, I am remembering more and more negative aspects to the relationship. He had the gall to tell me I was abusive to him, by the way, because one time I hit him with a pillow. I think he was emotionally abusive to me. I don't know if he realizes that. He likes to blame me for most of our issues, because admitting fault is too difficult for him to stomach. I really can't imagine what girl he is going to find that will put up with his crap like I did, because they won't literally be stuck with him.

[dramallama]

This is why NC is so great - it will give you clarity and perspective that you didn't have before. Take the opportunity to ask yourself, on a whole, did this relationship work for me? What would I do differently next time? What will I look for and what will I not tolerate next time in a partner? In a way you DID tolerate his behaviour by staying in the relationship - standing up to someone is not having arguments about it but still staying when nothing changes because then you are saying that it's ok and that nothing will really happen.

 

Don't even stay in contact with this guy. He sounds manipulative. He will try to guilt trip you.

[lulu87]

Yeah, I agree. I know I should have left but I guess I forgive too easily. He says he doesn't love me anymore, but honestly I don't know if he did. He was possessive and I think to a degree he treated me like arm candy. He had two relationships prior to ours, and both were in high school. He was with one girl for 5 months and another for 3 months. I think he may not realize that love doesn't stay super exciting and in the honeymoon phase forever. After about two years things quiet down, that's just the way it is. I don't want him back, but on some level I want him to apologize and ask for me back, just so I can say no. Probably won't happen, but a girl can daydream.

 

Do you think the relationship sounds like it was abusive? I think it probably was, but I don't know if he is aware of it. I don't think he deliberately manipulates, I really think that is just who he is. Its sad.

[Oneironaut]

I got a kitten who he was very mean to, he would throw him...

 

I didn't read past this. I have known people who were mean to animals, and they were just cruel, heartless, cold people in general. You are so much better off without him...if he can treat a helpless baby animal like this, he's only one step away from treating a helpless baby human this way.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your healing. You WILL find someone better.

[dramallama]

Oh yuck. I didn't see the part about him hurting a kitten. I hope that both you and your kitten stay far, far away from that monster. I mean, a kitten? He must have no soul.