Getting them back- What I think DOESN'T work. Opinions?

[hazelnut321]

I'm no expert when it comes to matters of the heart- God knows. However, I've learned quite a bit about men in my 1/2 century of being around them. I was raised by my Dad. My Mom took off when I was 8 with her bowling partner- yea- it was in Louisiana. I have 2 brothers. I've been married twice, and been in numerous successful relationships, obviously not all have been, or I wouldn't be here,would I?

 

I've messed up a bit in my life- in my younger years especially. I got kicked out of high school, and then kicked out of the house- in March of my senior year- no less!! . I ended up getting a GED and took a couple of courses in liberal arts. But thanks to many instances of divine intervention (along with alot of sweat and tears), I've been pretty successful as an administrator in health care for 25 years.

 

I've never financially needed a man. Sometimes I wonder if that's been to my detriment. Men love to be needed, right? I can be a little emotionally needy at times. But it seems that I distance myself if I don't feel loved. That's where I get (got) into trouble.

 

Here are a few things that DON'T work with men--- or women for that matter;

 

3 off the top of my head-

 

Although I'm emotionally needy at times, I'm not clingy. I enjoy my time working on art projects or cooking or any number of things. I LOVE my time with J- it's what I've been practically living for, but I don't mind being by myself- at all. 1.Have other interests.

 

2.Give him time to MISS you- NO TEXTING, CALLING, EMAILING- The ball shoud be in his court-- unless, of course you dumped him.

 

3. Don't be a doormat. I have a good friend who is madly in love with someone who treats her like total CRAP. He's had some tragedy in his life lately (Mom died) So he doesn't call her for weeks on end and uses her for sex- (sad). Anyway, she texts things like "Thinking of you today, I know it's a tough Mother's Day for you" and tells me that she is going to be there for him, no matter what. WHY?? I'm all about being there for my mate-- if he's there for me- -

 

I'm hoping for the best with me and J. I've not ever felt this kind of love for a man. I hurt to the very core of my being. But it's getting a little better day by day.

[dramallama]

Being friends.

Staying in contact.

Trying to make them jealous (people can see through that).

Giving the "appearance" of moving on while still obsessing over them (stalking their facebook, asking mutual friends about them).

Talking them into coming back.

 

Once you've stopped trying to hatch a plan of action to get them back, and when you've truly accepted the break up, ironically, that is when they come back.

[hazelnut321]

Dramallama- I was obviously preaching to the choir with you. I checked out your posts. You've got it down to a science.

[BONO]

Being friends.

Staying in contact.

Trying to make them jealous (people can see through that).

Giving the "appearance" of moving on while still obsessing over them (stalking their facebook, asking mutual friends about them).

Talking them into coming back.

 

Once you've stopped trying to hatch a plan of action to get them back, and when you've truly accepted the break up, ironically, that is when they come back.

 

I cant agree more, well said.

[Khuetran]

Physical attraction is also very important.

 

Look good, feel good.

[rediscovering]

Dramallama- I was obviously preaching to the choir with you. I checked out your posts. You've got it down to a science.

 

Agreed! I love Drama's posts and advices. Every single time I need a quick fix when I'm in the dumps or not in the right mind-set, I read what she writes and it always, ALWAYS brings me back on track.

[dramallama]

Agreed! I love Drama's post and advices. Every single time I need a quick fix when I'm in the dumps or not in the right mind-set, I read what she writes and it always, ALWAYS brings me back on track.

Thanks a lot. I wish you the best with your healing.

[rediscovering]

Thanks a lot. I wish you the best with your healing.

 

I'm doing great and part of it is thanks to you! It's been nearly 5 weeks post BU for me and I'm amazed I've progressed so much in so little time!

 

Anyways, I agree with you said, especially the "giving the appearance that you are over them when you're really not..." It will be transparent and everyone will see through it sooner or later, especially the ex. One must remember that they have/must move on and let go of the past relationship before they can start anew and they must give it (each other) sufficient time and space so that if they ever cross paths again, it will be for a successful reconciliation. Both people must also understand the reasons for the break-up and assess the problems so that it will not resurface during reconciliation.

[hazelnut321]

I meant NOT having other interests on #1.

[hazelnut321]

You made a GREAT point, rediscovering- Whatever caused the break up isn't going to disappear without both parties willing to talk about it and work it out. J and I took a "break" in March- got back together in April and guess what?-- We still a problem with the "L" word- or lack thereof.

 

Now- I know its a dealbreaker for me and all my stuffing it away will not make it better..