Possible for both dumper and dumpee to be scared to break NC?

[ampwatts99]

Anyone been in this situation?

[hello678]

What do you mean 'calling you out' or 'playing games'?

 

If you are in no contact how does she do either?

[hello678]

This thread lacks something called detail.

[ForumGuy]

I think I understand what you are getting at.

 

Dumpers may be afraid to break NC sometimes because they respect the dumpee enough to let them heal, but more likely because breaking NC, at least in the "I made a mistake" fashion, requires that they admit they messed up....not an easy task for some people.

 

Dumpees are often afraid to break NC due to fear of rejection and having to start over.

 

I'm sure this "stalemate" scenario is at play once in awhile. Either way, whoever breaks NC gives up power.

[dramallama]

Personally, I feel that because the dumper is the one that broke things off, it's best for the dumpee to assume that unless the dumper corrects their past actions, and lets the dumpee know "hey, I've been thinking...", then it's best for the dumpee to assume that their decision still stands. I also think that morally, the dumper should be the one to stick their neck out, if the dumpee IS the love of their life, that is, since they are the one that broke things off, again. There's no such thing as "pride" when it comes to true love. If you could put aside your pride to bed and plead and convince when you were being dumped, then your ex can gather up the courage to pick up the phone and call you...

[ForumGuy]

Personally, I feel that because the dumper is the one that broke things off, it's best for the dumpee to assume that unless the dumper corrects their past actions, and lets the dumpee know "hey, I've been thinking...", then it's best for the dumpee to assume that their decision still stands. I also think that morally, the dumper should be the one to stick their neck out, if the dumpee IS the love of their life, that is, since they are the one that broke things off, again. There's no such thing as "pride" when it comes to true love. If you could put aside your pride to bed and plead and convince when you were being dumped, then your ex can gather up the courage to pick up the phone and call you...

I couldn't agree more and these are the guns I have stuck to. They have served me well. I especially like the "There's no such thing as "pride" when it comes to true love" comment!!

[LaceWing]

When I was the dumper, I let the dumpee contact me....and the reason for THAT is because he went NC on me. So I saw it as up to him to let me know if he wanted anything more to do with me.

 

When he got in touch (it was to break the ice), so I went with it and things happened again.

 

However as the dumpee this time around, it's up to him come to me, because he pulled away/pushed me away again (doesn't matter either way, both times I felt pushed away), so I won't initiate.

 

I really don't think there is a cut and dry "the dumper must break the NC" because there are different reasons for break ups, and different personalities to consider. I do not believe in a "one size fits all" that seems to be the strong belief on this forum.

[endy]

To answer your question yes it is possible. I agree with drama though. There really is no pride in true love. If someone wants you back they are going to take a chance. Every chance has a risk. Same thing goes with a dumpee contacting a dumper. Someone is either going to break and contact the other. Does that mean that the other will respond? Absolutely not, and if you do contact them you better be prepared for a set back because it's possible they won't respond.

 

I'm 3 months out of my relationship for example. Even though I'm pretty much over it I'm not completely. If I think about contacting her I get very nervous. That tells me right there I'm not ready. If she called me I would know how to respond if I chose to. Reason being I would now have the power. I would feel like I'm more in control of the situation. Right now I couldn't contact her, I'm not giving up my self love and self I've built back up so far. I just love myself too much to put myself in the situation to be hurt again. It isn't about pride or wanting to be with her again. It's about loving myself so much to know she most likely hasn't changed, and that I have. I know I deserve better than how I was treated.

[mhowe]

When my ex and I broke up, about 2 months after he pulled into my drive way (his shop is on my property) and I started having a mild anxiety attack. My previous behavior pattern would have been to go out and chat, but I knew from my physical response I was in no way ready to talk to him. Whether or not it was an overture on his part, I never asked (he dumped me). So NC remained intact.

 

However, less than 2 weeks later, he "ran into" me at a local store, and maybe because I didn't have time to overthink it...or maybe because 2 more weeks had passed, we had a casual conversation about nothing really and went on our ways. It didn't make me "break" NC again, and I didn't hear from him for 6 more weeks.

 

My point is, he (the dumper) made 2 attempts to test the waters, and didn't get anything but a short, pleasant chat. As DL says, it wasn't enough for me to feel it was anything more than curiosity. His third attempt, however, was the full blown "I'm sorry/please forgive me/I want you back speech". And we are in the process of reconciling...almost 3 months now. So, I don't think it's about fear --- I think it's about being in the right mindframe.

[ForumGuy]

When I was the dumper, I let the dumpee contact me....and the reason for THAT is because he went NC on me....

So you believe that when you dump someone they should keep in contact with you? Or call once in awhile, just to see if you have changed your mind?

 

 

....His third attempt, however, was the full blown "I'm sorry/please forgive me/I want you back speech". And we are in the process of reconciling...almost 3 months now....

Good for you. Stories like this are few and far between.

[LaceWing]

So you believe that when you dump someone they should keep in contact with you? Or call once in awhile, just to see if you have changed your mind?

 

What happened was I finished with this gentleman (and he is a gentleman) out of fear, hurt and anxiety because of a particular issue that kept coming up. I had explained the issue to him, but neither of us seemed able to rectify it, so I panicked and finished with him.

 

To begin with, there was relief...because this person causing me hurt and confusion was not around me, and then I realised how much he did mean to me. Nonetheless when I contacted him again four or so days after the break up, I explained that I was sorry for hurting him, how I felt about him and did he want to try again?

 

He said he wanted to be friends since he was hurt, so I was okay with that....however he then went completely quiet on me, not answering my contact at all. What was I supposed to do? The tables had been turned. He went NC....he initiated that for himself for whatever reason, and I respected the fact that he didn't want to deal with me right then (even though it hurt me like nothing else that he cut off me like that...to the point I was depressed and could barely function, but he will never know this).

 

Do I believe the dumpee should contact the dumper to see if they changed their mind? No, to be honest. Because when I was the dumper I went back to him, it was only when he suddenly shut down on me, that I had no choice but to back off.

 

He (the dumpee in this case) used NC to cut me out.....I was hurt, fearful, anxious and not sure if he ever wanted to hear from me again, so there was no way I was going to break NC, even though I had finished with him. But to be fair to myself, I did what many people here say the dumper should do, which is specifically say sorry, and make it clear you want them back. He made this very difficult.

 

I would say to fellow dumpee's, that if your dumper comes back....genuinely sorry and hurting for what they did to you AND you want them back too. Please don't throw it in their face. Sometimes it can be hard to return to someone and admit you were wrong, all the while risking facing their wrath or emotional turmoil. Don't say "lets be friends" if you want more...just tell them you intend to take it slow.

[ForumGuy]

In your story, the "tables had been turned", which then made him the dumper when he rejected you asking him if he wanted to try again. I am sorry you went through this and hopefully he comes around and wants to try again....you did all you could do.

[LaceWing]

ForumGuy, that's not the end of it. Eventually he broke NC after a few weeks, came back and we tried again...for him to then freak out and dump me for real.

 

To be honest, although sometimes I miss him, I am starting to wonder if this guy is simply flakey and doesn't know what he wants. I'm not the argumentative type, I don't make demands, in fact my biggest fault is being impatient and impulsive (which I recognise and am working on). But he is way over-sensitive, and I'm not waiting around for someone like that (unless he gets himself together) until then, I consider him a "Proceed With Caution".

 

I am sorry things didn't work out, I wish at the time I had been frequenting this board but I was stumbling in the dark...however I am glad I went NC on HIM this time, and walked away with my dignity intact.

 

To stay on topic, because I am concerned I'm straying....I do think dumpee and dumper can be afraid to break NC. If the dumper has a change of heart (not really counting the dumpers who are just feeling guilty), then they will almost have the extra pressure of returning cap-in-hand and admitting they were wrong, and apologising. I was shaking and tearful when I made my apologies as the dumper.

 

As the dumpee this time around, I still feel nervous at the idea of initiating contact (but I know this time it's not me whose responsibility it is to initiate)...so I am concerned at what my reaction might be if he does initiate, but there is overall less pressure on me. The spotlight would be shining on him! Which in this case, is exactly how it should be.

[Leo78]

These are good points. What if you are the dumpee, yet you advocated NC to your ex in a letter?? What if she is too scared to contact me?

Is it worth sending some sort of icebreaker say 2 months or so into NC (ie a link off You Tube showing something funny, saying 'have you seen this, its hilarious'), something that you don't expect a reply from?

I agree with NC, its all this second guessing about what your ex is thinking?

[dramallama]

These are good points. What if you are the dumpee, yet you advocated NC to your ex in a letter?? What if she is too scared to contact me?

Is it worth sending some sort of icebreaker say 2 months or so into NC (ie a link off You Tube showing something funny, saying 'have you seen this, its hilarious'), something that you don't expect a reply from?

I agree with NC, its all this second guessing about what your ex is thinking?

lol, dumpees will ALWAYS expect a reply after they've contacted the dumper. If you have initiated NC for your wellbeing and you have asked your ex to ONLY contact you if they want to be WITH you straight away (ie not stay friends and figure out what they want at your expense while you wait), then they will do so. And if you didn't specifically tell your ex to contact you if they want a relationship, if they really want to be with you, they will contact you anyway. However, just because they contact you it doesn't mean they want to be with you necessarily. I would say that if you haven't heard from the dumper, it's safer to assume (and more logical) that they have moved on.