I "stole" my good friend's ex. How should I approach this situation?

[Fela Kuti]

Hi everyone,

 

First of all, please bear with me if my grammar is rather funky since English is not my first language

 

So, about 2-3 months ago, I started to grow a liking to my good friend's ex. FYI, I've known them for about 4-5 years. Their relationship lasted about 2 years. I was thinking about asking her out but I decided to ask my friend about it first. Turned out he still has a feeling to the ex so I decided not to pursue my interest. I also stopped initiating contacts with the ex. But the problem was she's the one who kept initiate contacts on messenger/twitter. And this is where I did wrong morally. I responded to her, we chatted online once in a while, and we got closer.

 

About a month later, I found out from a mutual friend that the ex has gotten back together with my friend for about two weeks. Later, feeling led on, I called her on that and she confessed that she got back with him to cover her feelings for me but turned out it didn't work out. In fact, her feelings for me only grew even more. And then a week later, she broke up with him, also confessing the same thing.

 

Now I'm sure that my friend is very disappointed in me although he's not saying anything yet. What do you think is the best approach to get him to forgive me? I don't know about leaving her though. I see a future with her, we connect on so many levels in such a short time. If there's one situation where I could betray the "no woman is worth over a friend" saying, this is it. I would appreciate if you don't make me feel even more guilty by criticizing my actions. I know I'm wrong Thanks.

[GrowingIn]

Just remember. Women come and go. Good friends are hard to come by. Who was your friend first? Is she worth you possibly losing your relationship with your friend? It doesn't sound like she was being very honest with you either so you need to evaluate the situation before you make a decision. Often times a woman can really put a wedge between two friends, eventually if she leaves, you could be left without either.

 

I do have to ask though, if she got back together with your friend, just how close are you with this friend if you had no idea?

[Fela Kuti]

Just remember. Women come and go. Good friends are hard to come by. Who was your friend first? Is she worth you possibly losing your relationship with your friend? It doesn't sound like she was being very honest with you either so you need to evaluate the situation before you make a decision. Often times a woman can really put a wedge between two friends, eventually if she leaves, you could be left without either.

 

I do have to ask though, if she got back together with your friend, just how close are you with this friend if you had no idea?

 

Thanks for the input. OK, maybe "good friend" is a stretch. He's a type of friend who you hang out with once in a month and never share personal things with. Moreover, why would he told me about that when he knew I liked her.

[RedDress]

I'm confused. In one sentence you said you were just talking to her. In another you were saying you don't want to "leave" her.

 

If you were just talking to her, I don't think you did anything wrong or anything he can be mad at. If you acted on those feelings after he specifically asked you not to... well... that wasn't very nice.

 

But I don't understand how you get to "leaving" her if you were never with her in the first place...

 

PS: I also think you should re-think whether you want to be with this girl. She knows she's playing two friends off each other... that's not very nice, either. Just remember that whatever you do can also be done back to you later on (in other words, she could hook up with one of YOUR friends later)

[Ariel85]

Bros before ho's, dude.

 

Also, no way was she being honest that she got back with her ex to cover her feelings for you. lol. What happened is she missed him, went back, he dumped her, so she wanted to still keep you live on the hook.

 

Plenty of women out there. Go pick one that isn't a retread.

[tresqua]

Choose your priorities, because you can't have them both.

[Fela Kuti]

I'm confused. In one sentence you said you were just talking to her. In another you were saying you don't want to "leave" her.

 

If you were just talking to her, I don't think you did anything wrong or anything he can be mad at. If you acted on those feelings after he specifically asked you not to... well... that wasn't very nice.

 

But I don't understand how you get to "leaving" her if you were never with her in the first place...

 

Well, I admit our talks have been a little flirty (not dirty or anything, just teasing and joking) and we know we liked each other. Maybe "leaving" is not the correct word. I don't know, "stop talking" is probably more suitable.

 

Bros before ho's, dude.

 

Also, no way was she being honest that she got back with her ex to cover her feelings for you. lol. What happened is she missed him, went back, he dumped her, so she wanted to still keep you live on the hook.

 

Plenty of women out there. Go pick one that isn't a retread.

 

Please trust me on this. I know their history and I can safely say that she no longer had feelings for him at the time of the reconciliation. She accepted his request to be together again to see if she could grow the feelings back. She knew that her infatuation for me was dangerous (considering that I'm his friend and all) so she tried to "deny" it by getting back with him.

[Fela Kuti]

Well anyway, my main point is how should I approach this friend to get him to forgive me. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

[RedDress]

Well anyway, my main point is how should I approach this friend to get him to forgive me. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

Well... you were just talking to her. You didn't do anything wrong. Even if it was flirty talking... even if she liked you... you didn't cross the line. He shouldn't be mad.

 

Do you even know for a fact that he's mad?

 

Personally? I wouldn't go out of my way to find out if he is mad and look for forgiveness. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

Now... if HE approaches YOU, simply tell him nothing happened between you two and that you were just talking. It's the truth. Don't ask for forgiveness. There's nothing to forgive.

 

If he's actively avoiding you and you want to clear the air, you can ask him what's wrong, empathize with his feelings being hurt and tell him that you didn't do anything with her... but again, I wouldn't seek forgiveness because you didn't do anything wrong.

[Fela Kuti]

Well... you were just talking to her. You didn't do anything wrong. Even if it was flirty talking... even if she liked you... you didn't cross the line. He shouldn't be mad.

 

Do you even know for a fact that he's mad?

 

Personally? I wouldn't go out of my way to find out if he is mad and look for forgiveness. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

Now... if HE approaches YOU, simply tell him nothing happened between you two and that you were just talking. It's the truth. Don't ask for forgiveness. There's nothing to forgive.

 

If he's actively avoiding you and you want to clear the air, you can ask him what's wrong, empathize with his feelings being hurt and tell him that you didn't do anything with her... but again, I wouldn't seek forgiveness because you didn't do anything wrong.

 

I know he's mad from his Twitter post (didn't mention any name) that says something like "You're not a man if you don't keep your words." Our mutual friend also told me that he's very disappointed in me, probably because he heard from the ex that I've been talking to her all this time. Now here's the tricky part. If I just ask him about this all of a sudden, he's gonna wonder how did I know (the mutual friend wants me to keep his name out of this), or whether I talk out of guilt.

 

I guess we have different opinions in the guilt topic. I think that talking with her when I knew she liked me was kinda wrong. Let alone flirty talking.

[RedDress]

So - what you are saying is... you know you are doing something kinda wrong that hurts his feelings but you don't want to stop and you want him to be ok with it?

 

I don't think that's going to happen.

 

In my mind, either you take the stance that it's not wrong and therefore he should get over it OR you take the stance that you were wrong, you stop doing it, apologize and tell him that you've learned from your mistakes and that you won't do it again.