Getting back together--will this work?

[joswsieg]

So basically, my ex still has some of my stuff and I still have some of hers. Last time we talked (about 2 weeks ago) she stated that she wants to wait until we get back to college at the end of the summer to exchange things. I don't know if I should interpret this as her still having feelings and her being afraid seeing me so soon after the breakup will cause her to fall for me again? It seems rather strange to me and to my therapist that she supposedly wants nothing to do with me and wants to move on but she is so willing to hold onto my stuff for so long. Makes it seem like there are still feelings there.

I want to send her a text saying I would rather just meet up this week with our stuff so I can move on with my life and that I can't do that while still having to hold on to her stuff. It brings back a lot of memories and unwanted feelings that are not helping me move on. If she agrees and we meet up this week I plan on trying one last time to convince her to get back together with me. I have really been working on myself the past month and a half by going to a therapist and really working on my problems. We dated for 3 years and were each others first loves.

Is this plan a good idea or could it possibly backfire on me in the long run? Please anyone who has insight on this help me out. I am so down in the dumps its crazy. I feel like I've lost my right arm and I would do anything to get her back. I love her so much!

[learning2relax]

That may be the very reason she doesn't want to get together now. You can't convince someone to be with you. If you do, it won't last very long and you start from square one.

 

You could always mail her things back to her......And she could mail yours back to you.

 

Letting her know that you are fine with exchanging through the mail will be more meaningful and send a stronger message to her than trying to convince her.

[Lavender25]

She doesn't want to see you because she doesn't want to deal with it. Could be that it hurts her too much, or maybe she doesn't want to feel awkward. Either way, she's not ready to see you. Do you want to force a meeting with someone that isn't as eager to see you?

 

If holding onto her things is too difficult for you, mail them to her. Then you won't have them to remind you of her and you won't have to see her. And, really, whatever she has of yours must not be pivotal to your everyday life if you've gone this long without it. My ex still has some things of mine and I considered using it as my way "in," but I know that it would be obvious what I was doing because I don't really need any of those things and they can replaced.

 

I hope I'm not sounding too harsh, and I'm only telling you these things because I've been there and thought the same way. Hell, even just saying these things to you is reinforcing it for myself because I second-guess it often, but I know deep down it's for the best.

 

Give it more time.

[chatelaine]

Here's my opinion. Take it or leave it.

 

"First loves" rarely work out. Just because she was the first person you dated, doesn't mean it's meant to be or worth any more effort than if she wasn't your first girlfriend.

 

Normally relationships that are meant to be don't end in breaking up to begin with. When you're brought to the level of frustration and pain it takes to break it off, something is seriously wrong. And going back now just means more baggage to deal with. Sound like fun? No.

 

Getting back together with someone WILL backfire on you. If the relationship was worth going back to, you BOTH would have made the relationship work to begin with. Obviously either; you're a jerk if you dumped her for no good reasons, OR she's a jerk and you DID dump her for good reasons. If it is the former, she probably deserves better and if you really love her let her go to find her true soul mate. If it's the later, you can do better so why waste your time?

 

Soul mates don't ditch each other when life throws you sharp curves. Soul mates stay the course. Soul mates also don't argue over when to return the other persons belongings. This relationship sounds petty and immature, as most "first loves" are.

 

Return her things promptly. If you have to, mail them. That would avoid the face to face contact. Then move on with your life. I hope you find a more mature and loving relationship, or that if you're the problem preventing that, you gain personal insight and find balance within yourself.

[Lavender25]

Lots of things I agree with, and lots of things I disagree with.

 

There are plenty of relationships that have worked out after a breakup. It really depends on the circumstances/reasons FOR the breakup. And just because you breakup with someone doesn't make you a jerk. Everyone has their reasons, even if they don't make much sense at the time. Yes, reconciliation is no easy task but that doesn't make it impossible.

 

Someone hasn't spent too much time on the "getting back together" forum, metthinks

 

But, yes, there are some immature undertones in this specific relationship and I don't see a reconciliation in the near future.

[joswsieg]

Obviously either; you're a jerk if you dumped her for no good reasons, OR she's a jerk and you DID dump her for good reasons.

 

I understand your post but just wanted to clarify that she's the one who dumped me.

[catfeeder]

She doesn't want to deal with any attempts to manipulate her. If you 'really' want to let go of her stuff, then mail it to her. Without a letter.

[imonlyhuman]

She doesn't want to deal with any attempts to manipulate her. If you 'really' want to let go of her stuff, then mail it to her. Without a letter.

 

id like to really emphasize the WITHOUT A LETTER portion. please please dont write her a letter. it sounds good, but it will backfire. 100%

[joswsieg]

id like to really emphasize the WITHOUT A LETTER portion. please please dont write her a letter. it sounds good, but it will backfire. 100%

 

Why would writing her a letter backfire?

[dramallama]

Why would writing her a letter backfire?

Because what more needs to be said? It doesn't matter what you write, when a dumpee contacts an ex, on some level, their intention is to convince/bring up/manipulate their ex into reconciliation. It's just manipulation and dumpers will see through it.

[catfeeder]

Why would writing her a letter backfire?

 

Because no matter how eloquent and perfect you believe it sounds, as soon as any letter leaves your hands you'll regret sending it--and this will compound your grief. Don't do it. You'll kick yourself. That's not what you need right now.

 

Instead, shoot for surprising everyone, including yourself, by your resiliency and ability to bounce back and move forward. This can take an investment in grief and allowing yourself to go through the pain without contacting her, which sucks, but the only way 'around' it is through it. You'll wear yourself out, but then you'll be ready to reach for your best dignity. And you will thank yourself for NOT sending a letter when it comes time to face the ex on your return to school.

 

This will make next semester a thousand times easier--and if anything will up your chances of regaining her interest, it will be your choice to disappear, drop from her radar, and next time you see her your head will be high.

 

You can do this.

[90_hour_sleep]

guess it depends on your interpretation of the word ''backfire''. it won't mean the same thing to everyone.

 

see...for me...i'd think a backfire in this case could be a good thing. could be that one thing that gives you a healthy kick in the direction that you have no desire to go toward at this point. of course...the direction you're already headed makes alot of sense at the moment.

 

but...if writing a letter is what you feel you need to do...sometimes the only thing you can do is trust your own gut. 100 different people could give you 100 pieces of advice that point in the same direction...but none of that will matter if you find you're still resisting what you feel is right for you. you can not write the letter...and deny to yourself that it was ever a worthwhile notion. that may work out for you. or you can write the letter...and learn firsthand for YOU based on the reception (or lack thereof) of that letter...and have your own experience...which you can analyze and reflect on.

 

really...trust in your own gut. it may lead you astray. it may not accomplish the desired result. then again...it might. regardless...it will provide you with your own insight. it's not one of those things that you 'just know'. comes from experience.

 

wishing you the best...whatever you decide.

[joswsieg]

I really like this, catfeeder.

[imonlyhuman]

Additionally, even though you want to write a letter and try your hardest to not manipulate or pressure... even if you say those words in your letter!!!, she'll still feel like you are trying to do those things. It makes absolutely no sense, but many have been there, including myself, and that's what happens.

[joswsieg]

Additionally, even though you want to write a letter and try your hardest to not manipulate or pressure... even if you say those words in your letter!!!, she'll still feel like you are trying to do those things. It makes absolutely no sense, but many have been there, including myself, and that's what happens.

 

Really? Even if I specifically say "I'm not trying to manipulate or pressure you I just want to be completely honest with you about how I feel." Even something like that could be taken as manipulative? I want to put in the letter that this is the last time I will contact her and I had to get this off my chest.

[catfeeder]

Really? Even if I specifically say "I'm not trying to manipulate or pressure you I just want to be completely honest with you about how I feel." Even something like that could be taken as manipulative? I want to put in the letter that this is the last time I will contact her and I had to get this off my chest.

 

Yes, even when you say that. It's like the quote DN had on his sig line, "When someone says it's not about the money, it's about the money..." Even if you fully believe you're not writing to pressure or manipulate, question why, then, you 'need' to write such a letter.

 

Flip a switch and stand in the shoes of someone who initiated a breakup--there was pressure and buildup to doing it, and now that it's done, the LAST thing you'd feel receptive to is a followup letter from the ex--no matter what is says. It's total guilt provocation--and if you think that's attractive or has any positive benefits whatsoever, consider that making someone feel 'yuck' isn't at all inspiring or conducive to feelings of attraction--and it's not what you'll want her to remember about you when you start up next semester.

 

Allow ex to miss you and wonder about you and grow a distant admiration over time. Showing up at school riding the mystery and pride that this gains you is much more likely to inspire curiosity and openness from her. Sending her a letter is more likely to cause her to want to avoid you--even if the letter contains some requisite statement about wanting the best for her or wanting friendship in the future, it's just plain not a good time to expect receptivity--to ANYthing. The timing is just really-really bad.

 

A letter won't be perceived as being about your words. No matter what you write, the gesture alone will scream exactly what you DON'T want her to take from it.

 

Head high, and be PATIENT.

[imonlyhuman]

Really? Even if I specifically say "I'm not trying to manipulate or pressure you I just want to be completely honest with you about how I feel." Even something like that could be taken as manipulative? I want to put in the letter that this is the last time I will contact her and I had to get this off my chest.

 

yea man, im sorry. its messed up. but thats how it is. dont send her any letter or txt or anything. it's your best chance. and at least, the first step in healing for you.

[joswsieg]

yea man, im sorry. its messed up. but thats how it is. dont send her any letter or txt or anything. it's your best chance. and at least, the first step in healing for you.

 

I really don't understand how that would help. Out of sight out of mind, right?

[Lavender25]

I really don't understand how that would help. Out of sight out of mind, right?

 

You would think. But it could also be a case of "absence makes the heart grow fonder..."

 

You might not ever get back together but that doesn't mean she will completely forget about you. If you meant something to her, she'll think of you.

 

You'd rather be a fond memory than "that ex that wouldn't leave it alone," right?

[catfeeder]

I really don't understand how that would help. Out of sight out of mind, right?

 

Nope. Just the opposite. Time and distance offer a nice, warmly filtered set of new goggles. If you keep pursuing attention, you blow that out of the water. Why do you think mostly everyone is trying to talk you out of that? We've got no skin in the game, we've all just learned lessons from experience--and most of us wish we had listened to the people who told us this back in the day. If you need to take the long road and the hard way, then go ahead and do that. The forum will be here when you want to write about how much you regret it later.

 

Or, you could just spare yourself that regret and do it the smart way.

 

Head high.

[hockeydfndr14]

"You'd rather be a fond memory than "that ex that wouldn't leave it alone," right?"

very well put.

[joswsieg]

You'd rather be a fond memory than "that ex that wouldn't leave it alone," right?

 

Very powerful words and well said.

 

Nope. Just the opposite. Time and distance offer a nice, warmly filtered set of new goggles. If you keep pursuing attention, you blow that out of the water.

 

I hope that ends up being the case in my situation. Though, at some point, won't I need to talk to her about my desire to reconcile? She is very shy and stubborn and I honestly do not think she would have the balls to ask me to get back together or hangout after she dumped me and not spoken to one another in so long.

[dramallama]

I hope that ends up being the case in my situation. Though, at some point, won't I need to talk to her about my desire to reconcile? She is very shy and stubborn and I honestly do not think she would have the balls to ask me to get back together or hangout after she dumped me and not spoken to one another in so long.

If she wants to reconcile, she will approach YOU. If she doesn't have the balls to contact you, then she doesn't want to be with you. There is no action for you to take. You've been dumped. Consider that action of HER'S still valid unless SHE does something to reverse that action.

[Lavender25]

Very powerful words and well said.

 

 

 

I hope that ends up being the case in my situation. Though, at some point, won't I need to talk to her about my desire to reconcile? She is very shy and stubborn and I honestly do not think she would have the balls to ask me to get back together or hangout after she dumped me and not spoken to one another in so long.

 

I think you need more time before you can answer that question. With the ex that brought me here, I thought I would need to contact him too. But as time went on I realized that I didn't want to. So we've been in NC for 2 years now and I'm glad we never reconciled.

 

May not be the case for you, but I think the answer will become more clear with time and the fact that you're asking yourself that this soon just shows you aren't ready.

[imonlyhuman]

someone has a quote somewhere. its pretty good. i dont remember what it said. but basically... we should only make an effort for the people that are willing to make an effort for us. if not, then they're not worth it.

 

also, check out the link to the mp3 i have in my signature, that was another person's post. it makes a lot of sense. listen to it when you feel weak.