Getting thrown crumbs and its killing me

[Melting]

My married friend and I have known each other for 2yrs and spoke on a daily basis. His marriage ends and he is gutted, after 6mths we start to hang out and it progresses into more then friendship way too fast. My insecurities tell me to slow this right down, as I know he isn't ready and I pretty much push him away, but still continue to contact each other. We catch up, but its not the same and I know he has removed himself romantically from me.

 

He tells me he isn't ready for a relationship and just needs good friends. I completely understand, even though I am hurt, cos I liked him very much and just wished we had taken it extremely slowly.

 

Now he has distanced himself from me, I rarely hear from him unless he is sad. When I make contact with him, he always calls me beautiful, his sweet, pretty much all the pet names you can think of, tells me his misses my company and that he wants me in his life, but he is lost. He keeps telling me we need to catch up soon, but never makes a time. He finally made arrangements with me to go to the movies and then flaked at the last minute, asking if we could do it another night.

 

I have feelings for this guy and he knows this, whilst I am not sure what I want from him, I deeply miss the friendship we had. We have mututal friends and so far I have been doing no shows to all the events, as I am just not ready to face him.

 

I just want to hear from him more, chat the way we used to. I miss all of this alot and I just can't stop thinking about him, he is ruling my mind and heart.

 

So, my question is..... Do i just ignore him when he contacts me again, to help me move on in life? Be polite, but decline any offers to catch up? He gives me crumbs and I want more, its killing me to settle for less. I can't even date anyone else, as he is all I think of. He comes to my work twice a week to catch up with our friends, but never sees me. Our friends on a daily basis, keep asking me if him and I have been spending time with each other and it drives me nuts.

 

How do I handle this situation?

[CatsMeeoow]

Well you won't be happy with just being friends - you need to accept that he is not in a place to be romantic. The best thing for you is to cut all ties (as painful as it is now - it will only get worse as you will constantly want more than he is willing to give.)

[Melting]

This is the thing, I am more then happy to just have friendship. I want it the way it was before anything happened with us.

 

I don't understand why we can't just hang out like we used to. He said that he wants friends and I am willing, but he doesn't deliver and it makes it hard as we both have mutual friends. Hard to cut ties with my friends too....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Once friendship turns into something more relationship-like with physical interactions, it is harder to go back to just friendship. It becomes more awkward. In life friendships come and go. I would suggest that you let this one go. Eventually you will get used to no longer having him in your life.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, you are 41 and more than young enough to meet someone else to share the rest of your life with. Don't waste a lot of time pining for a person who could have had you but chose to turn you down instead. He may still be hung up on his ex and want to get back with her, or already know he doesn't have sufficient feelings for you romantically to turn it into a long term relationship.

 

If he only calls you when he's sad, he's basically using you as a free counselor/shoulder to cry on. He's not that great a friend if all he does is call you to whine. If he's that messed up, then he should be taking those problems to a counselor and not crying on your shoulder when he knows you want more from him than that.

 

I'd just focus on meeting other men and discipline yourself to not think of him romantically anymore, but he is not thinking of you that way either. You could nurse him along for a couple years til he feels better about the divorce, only to have him call you one day to tell you he's met some woman he's crazy about. You need a whole and happy man who sees how great you are and wants to be with you, not some guy who wants to feel sorry for himself and cry on your shoulder, but otherwise blow you off romantically.

[ForumGuy]

I agree with what lavenderdove says. I also think he senses that your "no-shows" mean you are avoiding him and does the same to you when he visits friends at work and not you, possibly even out of respect for you. Like LD says, this could last for years with a heartache waiting at the end.

 

I am going through something similar myself, but we don't have the two year history you do. She wants to be my friend, but only when it is convenient for her and is inconsiderate about doing what she says she is going to do, flaking on a regular basis. She admits that it all stems from her last abusive relationship, even though she is two and a half years out of it (1st question I asked). I know I cut ties just today because I will not be strung along in a one-sided "friendship". I do like her very much, but like your guy, she is just not ready for a relationship.

[pietro5266]

Also agree with lavenderdove, and my last relationship had some similarities to yours, with respect to the "flaking out" thing. Never understood that. But it should have been a clear indicator for me to move-on, and I didn't, only to be hurt worse in the end. As everyone else is saying, regardless of whether you want a romantic relationship or just a friendship with this fellow, he doesn't sound like he's in a place to really give you either -- at least not in a way that's mutually beneficial. Therefore, as hard and painful as it will be, you're probably best to cut contact with him. I know, easier said than done.

[Yaz]

He's using you. No contact.

[Melting]

Thanks everyone, I know your right.... NC from now on

[hazelnut321]

Listen to Lavenderdove and ForumGuy- they hare both excellent at giving advice IMO.

I'm on day #14 of NC. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I don't honestly know if I'm feeling better or worse because of the NC. I miss him terribly, but he has my number.

 

My circumstance is similar, in a way. My guy had recently come out of a 20 year marriage and I'm the 1st lady that he dated. (lucky me ;-/ )