Trust Issues Threatening to Destroy Relationship

[camus154]

Hi all,

 

I'm having some serious trust issues with my girlfriend and am at the point where I honestly can't distinguish whether I'm having true gut feelings or whether insecurities/past issues are at play. I'll try to be concise but advance apologies if this gets lengthy....

 

So here's the background:

 

1) I've been cheated on before in the past, so I'm sure some obvious sore points and insecurities are at play here. That said, I've had relationships since then in which trust wasn't an issue at all.

 

2) I'm afraid my girlfriend has had something of an...experienced past. I've never asked for numbers and haven't solicited this information, but on more than one occasion she's hinted at having been with a good many guys, a good deal of whom were casual/random encounters. Now frankly I wouldn't much care about this one way or the other, which is why I've never asked--I've been with my share of women too, although I'm not much for random flings. I'm not trying to hold my girlfriend's past against her, but I'd be a liar if I said this doesn't come under consideration when considering these other points.

 

3) Most of my girlfriend's friends are guys. She's slept with two of them and had others send her suggestive messages in the past (before me). Now the ones she's messed around with don't live in town, so I'm not too concerned about them, and I've told her I'd never try to dictate who she can hang out with and have even encouraged her to hang out with her friends. But it does tend to get exhausting, the number of guys who text her on a regular basis.

 

4) In the beginning (and usually when we'd go out for drinks), there were a lot of occasions where I felt like she was openly encouraging attention from other guys. Nothing major and each instance by itself could probably be chalked up to a combo of alcohol and being overly sensitive. We actually discussed these occasions and on her part she basically admitted to playing games in the beginning, and we've more or less resolved that particular issue.

 

So we've been together for a year now and most of the time we have a great time together. I should point out that she's an extremely affectionate and giving girlfriend, and she compliments me and professes her love all the time--almost to the point of over-doing it. But every now and then something will happen where my gut screams out another alarm and everything I thought that was resolved comes back into my head. The details of these instances don't matter because taken alone each one of these times could be explained as nonsense, but nevertheless there my gut is screaming at me before I can even analyze the situation. So now I find myself in the position of once again doubting things and not knowing whether to trust my gut or whether I'm just feeding into my own insecurities. To be clear, I don't think she's cheating on me. I just have an overall vague sense of malaise.

 

The worst problem now is that these worries have started manifesting themselves in small fights I find myself having with her, usually out of the blue. My biggest fear is that whatever misgivings I have going on, they're all misplaced and I'll end up sabotaging the relationship and pushing a good woman away. My second biggest fear is that eventually I'll look back at a failed relationship and wonder why I wasted time not listening to my gut.

 

I know this post is probably unclear in what exactly I'm asking for. I guess I'm just curious whether you think this sounds like a case of ignoring instinct or feeding into personal issues/insecurities. Any advice is most appreciated.

[hexaemeron]

Basically, on what you've presented here, you've gotten to the stage in the relationship where your heart's on the table, and you're deciding how gunshy you actually are. It sounds like you're learning towards just pushing her away because you're not ready to take the full gamble. Anyone can cheat on you at anytime. You can try to mix/max and somehow think you're stacking the deck by looking for a/b/c qualities, but that's a sham. Say it with me: Anyone can cheat on me at any time, anywhere.

 

If you're not ready to go all in, let her go. Heal, and then come back to the dating world. Otherwise, if she's trustworthy, then trust her and let the past stay in the past.

[camus154]

Hi hexaemeron,

 

That's certainly a strong possibility. Truthfully speaking, in hindsight I would not have chosen to get involved with this gal on general dating principles alone....before we hooked up I was quite firm in avoiding women with any exes still lingering in the picture, etc. But life isn't usually so cut and dry, and of course the longer we were together the more attached to her I became.

 

She's honestly a great girlfriend and really hasn't done anything wrong to me. There were just a lot of "pink flags" in the beginning, and even though we've gotten through them, I'm obviously not over the overall suspicion. Like I said, there are on occasion times where the gut goes haywire again. They're always little things, like moments where I flash on her acting boisterous when a good looking guy is around. She's done things like suddenly needing to stretch (pushing her chest out) or flirting with me very loudly when a guy walks by, and the immediate gut feeling I get is that she's trying to attract their attention. I know this sounds ridiculously nit-picky and I would agree that it is, except for the gut feeling and also because I've watched her during these moments and have seen her shoot quick glances their way, which I can only interpret as checking to see if they noticed her.

 

If I'm not reading into these things, then I suppose I have to ask, so what? Does that really have to mean anything? And were it not compounded with the other warning signs, I'd say it's not a big deal at all. But adding to the problem is that my girlfriend literally gets hit on every time we go out. And while she's a very cute gal, I've been with very good looking women before and have never experienced this level of outside attention before. I'm of course not trying to blame her for the actions of others, but adding it all up--the flirtatious behavior, the circle of almost-exclusively guy friends, and the constant barrage of attention--I can't help but wonder if she attracts this sort of attention if even at the subconscious level.

[hexaemeron]

Look, this is really very simple. Would you rather someone be around you feel comfortable being who she is, and open/honest, or do you want someone who never ever dings your insecurities and then grows to resent you and THEN does something shady behind your back all the while smiling innocently to your face?

[jes9973]

Camus,

 

I know this thread is over a year old...but, I am in a relationship where i feel the exact same feelings that you had in this relationship you described. What ever happened? How did you resolve your feelings/relationship?

 

Thanks for the advice.

[camus154]

Hi jes9973,

 

Talk about a blast from the past! I believe this was my very first thread here in ENA.

 

Well, for what it's worth, I'm still with the same gal and I couldn't be happier. Now that I have the gift of hindsight, I can tell you that 70% of my issues were trust related and the other 30% could be attributed to a lifestyle that involved hitting the bars almost every weekend. We've settled down quite a bit now....we were just joking not too long ago about how we actually spent a Friday evening watching Dateline, if that gives you any ideas.

 

What's going on with your situation? Do you feel like elaborating on it?

[jes9973]

Thanks for the quick reply.

 

I'm not sure how I even happened accross this thread...but when I read your OP, everything you said completely describes how I feel in my current relationship. There's a lot of history...

1. My marriage ended two years ago with my ex-wife having cheated on me and hid it from me for 6months.

2. My girlfriend also has an experienced past...dated online...random encounters with online hookups...also "wild" hookups if you know what I mean.

3. My girlfriend doesn't have any girl friends. She's very flirty. All of her friends at work are guys. Outside of work, she doesn't really have any other friends that she talks to on a regular basis.

4. We don't go out very often. If we do, it's more to a movie...not to bars at all. But, she wears revealing clothes when we go out...

 

I know I have trust issues from my childhood and my previous marriage. But, it seems like something pops up every so often that makes me question her true feelings for me.

1. In the beginning, she had a cell phone with literally a hundred numbers for guys that she was texting. After a month or so of dating, we decided together to be exclusive. She killed all her online accounts. I killed my one online account. She showed me her cell phone. I expressed concern. She decided to get a new phone with a new number. However, she never got rid of the original phone. She said she was going to give that phone to her son. She never did. Red flag. That was 9 months ago.

2. She lied to me about having saved sexy pictures of ex boyfriends on her phone/computer.

3. An old boyfriend that she cared a lot about showed up to our town when a family member died. She told me he was coming. Not a big deal. Then he showed up to her house the next day. She didn't call or text me. I just happened by her place and saw an unfamiliar car there. She gave me a reason why he stopped by. Again, she told me she loved me.

4. Her room mate left her high and dry on her lease. So, she asked to move in with me. I agreed. Now I can't get out of my head that she is with me because of convenience for her. She is having financial issues.

5. I overheard her tell a friend that she was going to stay with me for "a while".

6. After checking my internet browser history...I do this because I have a daughter who likes to browse, I noticed that she looked up an ex boyfriend on facebook and visited his page and his relationship partner's page. This occurred after we had a disagreement. This was an ex she really cared about and wanted him to commit to her but later found out he was cheating.

7. Most recently, this morning I got up out of bed to use the bathroom. Her phone was on the counter. As I was using the bathroom, the screen lit up indicating she received a message...it was on silent because that is how she sets it for her work. I looked at the screen and it was on the AIM login screen. She has never told me about an AIM account. In addition, she has recently started carrying her phone around with her in the mornings. When I asked her about AIM, she said she didn't have an account. Curious.

 

All of the above have reasonable explanations. They all push my insecurity buttons and make me think in my head that she is up to no good. What really makes my head spin is that she is extremely interested in house hunting with me...she says continuously that she loves me...when we are intimate, I really feel love...she has helped me to get my house ready to put on the market...she talks openly about spending the rest of her life with me.

 

I can't figure out what to do with her. There is no doubt I love her. But, when these little flags pop up, I question whether she really loves me.

 

I appreciate any advice you have.

[camus154]

What was the story about her lying to you about pictures of the ex? When you say "sexy", do you mean "nude"? When did this happen in the relationship and how did the conversation come about?

[jes9973]

What was the story about her lying to you about pictures of the ex? When you say "sexy", do you mean "nude"? When did this happen in the relationship and how did the conversation come about?

 

Always a reasonable explanation..."it was from her past", "she didn't remember that she had those". I told her it wasn't cool with me for her to keep sexy pics...underwear shots, nude shots...that other pics from her past relationships were ok with me. I suspect that she probably had a lot of those types of pics...as I mentioned she had a "wild" past. It happened after we became exclusive...before she moved in...probably 6months into the relationship. Truth is, I never told her it bothered me...because I never had expected she had those types of pics.

 

I am not really a dater/player. I was married for 15 years. When we divorced, I focused my life on my kids for two years. I dated a girl that I considered a friend. It didn't work...we weren't compatible and it was just weird. When I met my current girlfriend, we clicked right away. Not really the same interests necessarily...but emotionally clicked. She understood where I was in my life. I understood where she was. We were both looking for someone to settle down with.

 

But, it's always little things that pop up that punch me in the gut...

[camus154]

How did you come to discover these pictures, though? They were on both her computer and her phone? How exactly did she lie about it to you? Did you go snooping, find them in some archived folder, and then ask if she had any photos of her exes to see what she'd say?

[jes9973]

Snooping on her original phone. She agreed to delete her old contacts. After deleting the contacts, I checked her pic folder while she was in the bathroom and ran accross the pic. I was surprised...more expecting to see face pics of her old contacts...and immediately put the phone down. That's when I told her I wasn't cool with sexy pics. She said she didn't have any...I left it at that. I felt horrible that I snooped...I haven't done it since.

 

I am really unsure if she still has pics of this sort. I suspect not...she says she doesn't anyway.

[jes9973]

Maybe wasn't clear in my last post...she wanted to delete the contacts with me.

[camus154]

What about the computer?

[jes9973]

I haven't seen pics on the computer. I know she has some pics. I'm pretty sure those pics include old boyfriends. She says they are not offensive...but I've never asked to look for two reasons. 1. If I ask to look at her pics on her computer, she will think I don't trust her. 2. I'm not sure I want to know if she does really.

[camus154]

Honestly? I think you should come clean about your concerns and about how you've snooped. See how she responds. The truth is, you're hiding this from her as much as you're worried about her hiding stuff from you.

 

Regarding moving in together, if you're worried she's only doing it out of convenience, then don't move in together.

[oldenoughtoknow]

You know, life is messy. I've come accross old crap on my computer and phone that I never thought I'd saved to begin with - I would have bet the farm on it. But there it was. So I wouldn't worry much about racy old pics. Women generally aren't into visual/porn stuff like guys are anyway, so she's probably being honest as far as she knows. Do you really think that, what, she's staying up late at night masturbating to these old photos? Even if she is...meh.

 

Her phone convo about moving in - it sounds like she thought she was having a private conversation. There aren't many of us walking around that don't say things that could be misconstrued when we're talking to a friend privately. Maybe her friend doesn't like you and she's easing her into the idea of having you around and in her circle. See?

 

The phantom AIM account might worry me a bit. Could it have been one of the old accounts she's closed? Next time you see it pop up, hand her the phone and ask her point blank.

 

And her old boyfriend at her house...did you stop in when you saw the strange car in front of her house? If so, what was the looks on their faces? Surprised? Guilty? If not, she could have made up a fictitious girl friend if she was trying to hide something.

 

I'm not saying everything is hunky dory. But, just keep in mind once you start down a path of snooping, you're going to find "stuff." We all have it. And, not every discovery you make will actually be the clue to a hidden truth. A lot of it will just be part of the normal mess.

[jes9973]

Thanks for your thoughts. In addition to life being messy, I know my head is messy. I will never understand why my wife of 15 years felt the need to sneak around with another guy and lie about it. The whole process left me questioning everything.

 

I know my girlfriend loves me. It just happens that some things occur that just makes me question that. Is it possible to turn my brain off? Really, that's what I need to do.

[jes9973]

I agree with the snooping also. When you look, you will find something...but is it really that important.

 

The instant message thing is curious. When I asked her about it, she denied having an aim account. The thing is...why was the aim login on the screen? Her phone is old and does weird things like randomly dumps all her text messages, won't receive MMS messages, and randomly lights the screen up without a reason. This time the screen lit up and there was the aim login. The only reason for her to use the IM is to hide conversations. If she has things to hide, time for me to move on. I am too old to be running around like a teenager...playing games. She is too, really. But, for some reason people really like the game part of dating.

 

But, like I said...she professes her love all the time, she is excited about house hunting, is very active in looking for a home, and talks about the future a lot. I figure it is mostly me...my heart tells me the girl loves me...my brain says not so fast. And, with her, I am following my heart more than I have in relationships past....a scary thing for me.

[camus154]

That's why I think you should just come out with the whole thing.

 

Unless your girlfriend is an idiot, she already knows you've been digging around. She's going to be able to put two and two together and figure out why you ask these supposedly random questions about sexy pics and AIM accounts and everything else.

 

Why are you hesitant to come forward about this?

[jes9973]

That's why I think you should just come out with the whole thing.

 

Unless your girlfriend is an idiot, she already knows you've been digging around. She's going to be able to put two and two together and figure out why you ask these supposedly random questions about sexy pics and AIM accounts and everything else.

 

Why are you hesitant to come forward about this?

 

The AIM account...I came forward the moment I saw the login screen. She said she didn't have an AIM account. Case closed.

 

The picture incident happened 6 months ago. I mentioned to her then that sexy pics weren't cool with me. She agreed. I haven't seen anything since that time.

 

I haven't been "digging around". These occurrences just seem to happen...maybe I'm overly sensitive, focusing on things that most people would overlook. I don't know.

 

The big thing with me is just dropping my guard.

[camus154]

So...again, why aren't you willing to come forward with this?

 

Something has to change, right? You can't keep moving forward in this head space indefinitely. As far as I can see it, you're going to either have to let go and trust her or take steps otherwise. And honestly I don't see you simply letting go on your own.

[oldenoughtoknow]

The AIM account...I came forward the moment I saw the login screen. She said she didn't have an AIM account. Case closed.

 

The picture incident happened 6 months ago. I mentioned to her then that sexy pics weren't cool with me. She agreed. I haven't seen anything since that time.

 

I haven't been "digging around". These occurrences just seem to happen...maybe I'm overly sensitive, focusing on things that most people would overlook. I don't know.

 

The big thing with me is just dropping my guard.

 

Well, you're still talking about the AIM incident, so obviously this case isn't completely closed for you. Are you agreeing then, that the other things have been resolved? Remember, issues like these are resolved in baby steps. Can you put the other things to rest and stop thinking about them? Can you change your internal dialogue over these issues?

 

You are actually doing a very smart thing by being sensitive to potentially cheating behavior. You've been hurt before and you're protecting yourself. But please really think about this question - have you forgiven yourself for letting it happen the first time? If you have a layer of guilt on top of everything else going on in your head, it's only going to make learning to trust again that much harder. It's a very important first step to make sure you've really forgiven yourself.

 

I don't think focusing on dropping your guard is in your best interest, or even possible for you right now. But you need this to be a team effort. Trust is built up over time, and trust is built up by not letting one little incident after another go by without each being properly addressed. I agree with camus. You need to talk to her about all of this. Don't be accusatory, but be honest. Tell her how your past still haunts you. Tell her how you feel like you're making progress, especially now with her in your life. Tell her that from time to time you may see things that you're ultra sensitive to and ask if she can be understanding and give you full disclosure, and not get upset and give you a simple brush off. She has to know how you're feeling, or your paranoia will continue to hurt you and your relationship. There really isn't any other opportunity for success in this case.

 

If you can take this baby step with her, and she listens and agrees with compassion and empathy, that's when you'll KNOW she loves you, and that's when your trust in her will take a major step forward. Are you ready?