Friend Zone and FwB

[finallystrong]

So I've known this girl for a few years now. She knows I like her, because I told her a while back, but I haven't talked about it anymore since then. She told me she does not feel the same way in return, but every other month, her reason changes. Her last reasoning for not feeling the same is because I have been " mean " and " cold " with her lately. She said she doesn't know if she can be with a guy who treats her this way. And by " mean " and " cold ", she only means during arguments. Which, MOST people, I would assume, are usually this way during heated arguments. She tells me she likes everything about me, besides that one aspect toward her.

 

Her and I were very close at one point, but after that, things sort of went sour. She knew I had higher expectations for her, due to my feelings, and she also had high expectations for me because I was very close to her. We fought a lot over petty things, but sometimes it would get to a point where I told her I didn't want to be her friend anymore. It appeared she used to play mind games and execute manipulation tactics, which messed with my head a little bit, but also made me upset and frustrated.

 

Side note: We talk mostly through text\phone and online, but see each other a few times a month

 

We used to see each other every week almost, until things went sour. But after our endless nights of arguments, we haven't been at a good state in a while, therefore resulting in see each other less.

 

About a week or so ago, I decided to go no contact ( after another argument ), and she sort of flipped out. I didn't answer her calls or texts. She ended up showing up at my house UNINVITED. When she was here, I still wasn't budging at all, and sort of acted cold. Toward the end, she started crying, which was the first time I've seen her cry EVER in the years I've known her. After a little while, I held her for a bit, and we ended up moving on from that and trying again. She says that to ever consider me as relationship material, we would both have to prove to each other that we can be in a good state for a semi-long period of time. Usually we can't go a few weeks without arguing, but she said if we were good for a couple of months with no major arguments, she will most likely feel different.

 

So I ended up seeing her a few days ago. I have mostly been the one to set up days to hang out, but this time, it was her doing ( I was surprised ). We had a fairly good time. Went to dinner for a few hours then sat in my car for a few more hours listening to music, joking, laughing, etc. One thing we did talk about was her and I having sex in the near future ( which she never agreed to before ). She basically stated if we stay good, we would hang out more. And she would then feel more comfortable, and we would most likely get physical. She still claims to not have feelings for me, but I beg to differ. I think she won't admit it due to the whole " I have the power as long as I don't admit it " concept. I could be wrong, but every one of her actions speaks otherwise.

 

Sorry for the lengthy post, but if anyone has comments, suggestions and/or advice, please let me know.

 

Thanks!

[finallystrong]

bump?

 

please I need some advice...

[finallystrong]

[finallystrong]

GAH!!! My head hurts

[BrokenSmile]

Hmmm.. it sounds like a lot of drama for people who are just friends, not FWB, not dating, not even physical yet. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that if there is this much drama this early on, it can only go downhill. Also, I think it's slightly weird that you have to "prove" yourself for a few months in order to *possibly* be considered for a relationship. I understand that she doesn't want to get into a relationship if there are already signs that you might not mesh well, but I think it's unfair that that might string you along for a few months. What if you spend the next say 2-3 months working on yourself so that she might view you as relationship material, and when she finally does, she decides she still doesn't want to date you?

[finallystrong]

Hmmm.. it sounds like a lot of drama for people who are just friends, not FWB, not dating, not even physical yet. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that if there is this much drama this early on, it can only go downhill. Also, I think it's slightly weird that you have to "prove" yourself for a few months in order to *possibly* be considered for a relationship. I understand that she doesn't want to get into a relationship if there are already signs that you might not mesh well, but I think it's unfair that that might string you along for a few months. What if you spend the next say 2-3 months working on yourself so that she might view you as relationship material, and when she finally does, she decides she still doesn't want to date you?

 

It definitely is A LOT of drama for not being FWB or anything physical. And yes, I realized that if there is this much drama already, and we aren't even together, I could only imagine how it would be if we were. And like you said, pretend I worked on fitting her "standard" of boyfriend material, and I achieve it, but even after that she still doesn't like me.

 

I think I know I am wasting my time, but I might be in denial. I do like this girl a lot, and it just sucks to let go

[BrokenSmile]

I think I know I am wasting my time, but I might be in denial. I do like this girl a lot, and it just sucks to let go

 

Believe me, I know the feeling. In all honesty though it's probably better to find out now than after wasting months of your time.

[loveorlust]

it would make things a lot easier if you didn't ignore/avoid her when you guys argue. you really need to talk things out. i'm sure if she was mad at you and she ignored you, you wouldn't enjoy it very much. if you really like the girl, cater to her feelings. don't ignore them.

[BrokenSmile]

I just read one of your old posts. Is this the same girl you posted about two months ago who was still sleeping with her ex? From that thread it seemed like you knew things weren't going to work... So I guess the question you have to ask yourself is where do you want to be in another two months? Do you still want to be trying to make things work with this girl even though it seems like you might already know it's not going to work, or do you want to be moved on with your life?

[anya1607307555]

It definitely is A LOT of drama for not being FWB or anything physical. And yes, I realized that if there is this much drama already, and we aren't even together, I could only imagine how it would be if we were. And like you said, pretend I worked on fitting her "standard" of boyfriend material, and I achieve it, but even after that she still doesn't like me.

 

I think I know I am wasting my time, but I might be in denial. I do like this girl a lot, and it just sucks to let go

 

I'm really sorry because I know how much this must hurt but you DO need to let her go. I've skimmed through your other posts and you have been given advice, you just need to be strong and take it.

 

You do not need to prove yourself to her. In fact you will most likely never reach a position where you will, she will move the goalposts everytime you think you are close. She needs to work on herself, to stop using people to fill the whole in her self-esteem and blame them for her trust issues.

 

Cut ties with her and imagine yourself 4-6 months from now. You cannot move on and find someone who will take care of your heart, while you are half-giving it to this girl to trample on.

[anya1607307555]

hole* hah, just noticed that, how annoying.

[agatha]

expectations and frustrations. that is what the whole 'let's see how long can we last without arguing' is about.

 

theoretically, to be in a relationship two people have to learn how to deal with their differences, and that is something the two of you are doing not so right. tolerance, respect, knowing how to listen, when to stand ground and when to let go, that's what makes a strong bond. I can see where she's trying to go, albeit she sounds really confused on the boundaries (perhaps she'd like to burn some steps, but then again, is not really sure if it would be worth it).

 

but honestly, if she makes you feel manipulated and toyed with, let go. it'll only get worst for the two of you.

[finallystrong]

it would make things a lot easier if you didn't ignore/avoid her when you guys argue. you really need to talk things out. i'm sure if she was mad at you and she ignored you, you wouldn't enjoy it very much. if you really like the girl, cater to her feelings. don't ignore them.

 

In the beginning, I never did ignore her or avoid her. And when an argument first starts, I never ignore her initially. I only ignore her after the conversation has gone nowhere for hours, no points are getting acknowledge that I present, and she is being totally irrational. She even admits to be irrational, but she said regardless of how irrational she is, her feelings should come first.

 

I just read one of your old posts. Is this the same girl you posted about two months ago who was still sleeping with her ex? From that thread it seemed like you knew things weren't going to work... So I guess the question you have to ask yourself is where do you want to be in another two months? Do you still want to be trying to make things work with this girl even though it seems like you might already know it's not going to work, or do you want to be moved on with your life?

 

Yeah, same girl. She keeps changing her position and claims she feels different and says it's different now than it was then. It's a big ball of confusion to me. I don't know what's going on anymore, lol.

 

I'm really sorry because I know how much this must hurt but you DO need to let her go. I've skimmed through your other posts and you have been given advice, you just need to be strong and take it.

 

You do not need to prove yourself to her. In fact you will most likely never reach a position where you will, she will move the goalposts everytime you think you are close. She needs to work on herself, to stop using people to fill the whole in her self-esteem and blame them for her trust issues.

 

Cut ties with her and imagine yourself 4-6 months from now. You cannot move on and find someone who will take care of your heart, while you are half-giving it to this girl to trample on.

 

I will.... I just need to find another girl to distract me, lol.

 

expectations and frustrations. that is what the whole 'let's see how long can we last without arguing' is about.

 

theoretically, to be in a relationship two people have to learn how to deal with their differences, and that is something the two of you are doing not so right. tolerance, respect, knowing how to listen, when to stand ground and when to let go, that's what makes a strong bond. I can see where she's trying to go, albeit she sounds really confused on the boundaries (perhaps she'd like to burn some steps, but then again, is not really sure if it would be worth it).

 

but honestly, if she makes you feel manipulated and toyed with, let go. it'll only get worst for the two of you.

 

I'm trying, but it's super hard to let go. But I honestly think once I let go and start seeing other women, she might appreciate me more and actually stop being diffcult and irrational for once, and MAYBE want to try something normal. But even if she doesn't, I know there is endless amounts of women out there who will love me as I will love them. I hope I don't catch myself making the same mistakes again.

 

I think I just need to vent on here and get reassurance, so I apologize if some of this stuff is repetitive.