Abusive parents, considering having children

[Kitkat973]

Growing up, my divorced parents were both heavily abusive, to the point where at 23 I'm still struggling with PTSD as a direct result of their actions.

 

Lately, I've been thinking more and more about the possibility of having a family. Maybe not now, but in five year's time, when we have more of a buffer built up and can afford a child.

 

My mother likes to pretend that nothing ever happened. My father is more distant, but the same way. I live three thousand miles away from them.

 

The thought of having a child and being forced by societal expectation to allow my parents any where near said child makes me start shaking. I would never want to have any child experience what I did, much less my own. I know that my mother would raise absolute hell and try to force me into being shamed by everyone that she's wormed her way into the lives of out here to get contact with the child. I have no doubt that it'd be constant harassment.

 

And then I think about a child asking me, when they're old enough to understand, why they only have one grandmother in their life. How do you even explain that to a child without triggering resentment for them being kept from something they should have?

 

I know that if I let them dictate my actions, they've won. But the idea of them anywhere near a child terrifies me, and I know that other people wouldn't understand and would join her in pressuring me.

[NightLily]

That is a tough spot indeed. I think you basically know the answer though.. that you have to protect your children before you concern yourself with other people's hurt feelings. There are people in my family I would not trust alone with small children either but I think it is more than likely they are reformed enough to be around them. Only you can make that judgement though. If they haven't changed, had a serious gap in time where they got their anger under control, and/or gone to therapy depending on what you went through I wouldn't even consider having them in their lives.

 

One thing I am kind of wondering, is why are you keeping your parents in your life right now though? It doesn't seem like from the sounds of it they have given you reason to.

[Kitkat973]

I don't really want to keep them in my life. But I'm very nonconfrontational and it's just... easier not to fight it. I don't answer the phone 70% of the time when one of them calls, I sign off quickly when I do answer.

 

Up until recently I blamed myself for everything that had happened in my childhood, to the point of having been suicidal with self-hatred. I'm at the point now where I'm starting to see that no one deserves to be abused, and I'm starting to be able to apply that to myself as well, but it's still difficult to erase 18 years of learning that you either bend or break.

[Seraphim]

My father was pretty abusive. ( I have PTSD as well, from childhood and sexual abuse as a child) My son has only ever seen my father maybe 12 times in his whole life and my son is almost 14. My son only sees my father with me present. When my son was old enough to understand I told him that grandpa was mentally ill and he did not have a good childhood and he could not understand how to give his kids a better one. My son accepts this. He has other grandparents he is perfectly happy with. Whenever my dad pushed my boundaries about seeing my son, I told him too bad so sad, but, no, you accept my terms or you don't see him. It is all about realizing that you DO have options. As an adult these people no longer control your life. They destroyed your boundaries when you were a child so you have to reconstruct them. If you have strong boundaries and a set of consequences for if they step over them they can not control you or your child. I REALLY know it is hard not to be pushed around but just do not allow it.

[BellaDonna]

You have the right to parent your child the way you want to, as long as the child is kept happy healthy and safe.

 

If your parents were abusive to you in the past, you have every right not to want your child to have anything to do with them.

 

How much contact do you have with your mother and father now? Do you try to have a relationship of any kind with them?

 

If you plan on having a child in the next 5 years, start creating distance now. Continue to live thousands of miles away, be unavailable, and taper off contact slowly.

 

If you don't want them in your children's lives then the first step is to get them out of yours. But you must understand that this means you have to take a big step and risk the possibility of never speaking again and also them saying some cruel things on their part or retaliating.

 

My mother likes to pretend that nothing ever happened. My father is more distant, but the same way. I live three thousand miles away from them.

 

If your mother asks you why you are distant, tell her the truth. You are an adult now and have the power to speak for yourself and confront what they did to you in the past. Tell her that you were abused by both of them and they were terrible parents. You won't be telling them anything they don't already know deep down.

 

If you become pregnant keep it quiet. Refrain from leaving them any connection to you (i.e. such a facebook, etc)

 

If they harass you, keep records of the contacts and what they say. Save any abusive messages. Then file a no contact order through the police.

 

Create a legal will that specifically states they are to have no rights to your child, ever, no matter what the circumstances are.

And then I think about a child asking me, when they're old enough to understand, why they only have one grandmother in their life. How do you even explain that to a child without triggering resentment for them being kept from something they should have?

 

 

Believe it or not kids are pretty adapatable. If your child ever asks you just them the truth: "I don't talk to my parents- you and your dad are my family" and if they ask why "My parents made the wrong choices so I do not talk to them".

[NightLily]

Trust me.. I can understand. I think if you grow up with that you are also used to be helpless and without resources so you are constantly trying to make things work. You never want to completely give up.

 

It is kind of one of those things though where you say.. I wouldn't want my child eating that food but so then why am I eating it? If you know it isn't good enough for other people it isn't good enough for you either. They probably will never want to accept any responsibility so they can just brush it under the rug but with all you went through I think you really deserve to not have them in your life. If you can block their number do it. I really don't think you should even have to explain that. From the sounds of it, you weren't just verbally abused which can be a grey area. They know what they did.

[alli]

My older brother & sister are in their 30's and they've barely seen their dad since they were toddlers. He was very abusive to them, and he also has some psychiatric problems & drug use. My mom did her best to keep him away from them. My brother has a son now (high school age) and I don't know if he has ever met his grandfather. His grandfather raised heck when the kid was younger. He put up signs in his truck saying "missing grandson" even though he was just with his parents & the grandfather had no visitation rights. He was calling our house to trying to get ahold of my mom (his ex). My brother never caved, of course. He hates his dad and with reason.

 

I guess the point is, you know logically that there's no reason they SHOULD have any right to see any children you have. If you give them an inch, they'll take a mile, so don't give them even an inch. You live far enough away that they can't very well drop by unexpectedly to pressure you. At this point I see no reason to tell them you won't allow them to see your future children, so much can change in 5 years. But if they find out your pregnant or have a child and try to convince you to bring it over for a visit, tell them it won't be happening and why. That while they pretend it didn't happen, you remember exactly what they did to you when you were a kid and you won't subject your children to the same. And that if she sends anyone to ask you why & convince you otherwise, you will tell them exactly what your childhood was like. Be prepared to put your foot down.

 

If you have a child that asks one day why they don't know your parents, tell them in words they understand. That your parents were mean when you were a kid so you don't want your parents to be mean to him/her too. I think a kid can understand this pretty easily, and you can elaborate more as the kid gets older & asks more questions.

 

This is so far off though, don't get too worked up about it right now. There's plenty of time to decide how you will handle this situation in the future.

[BellaDonna]

I know that other people wouldn't understand and would join her in pressuring me.

 

Do these same people you speak of know about the abuse?

 

By the way, I think society is more and more accepting of people choosing not to keep toxic people in their lives. Although it would be great if everyone could have good relationships with their parents and grandparents, it is understandable not to want to be around abusive people or have your child be around them.

 

In my own family, my son barely has a relationship with my MIL at all. She lives in the same city as I do but she is a known drug addict and has major mental health issues and she also abandoned my husband at a young age and turned into a terrible mother. My own son is almost 4 and he's seen her maybe 3 times a year since he was born. The only reason he sees her at all is because my husband is the bigger person and takes my son there for extremely rare and brief visits. My son is protected and there are clear boundaries in place.

 

When I first got pregnant with my son she used to call me constantly and also say she was buying things for her house (a crib, a high chair) and making all these plans to "babysit". Obviously that was never going to happen so I ignored her as best I could and when she realized she did not have any power she gave up.

 

We are not on "bad' terms but she has absolutely no power over my husband and I or over our parenting.

 

If you have a child you are in charge- not grandparents. You have more power than you realize.

[Kitkat973]

Thank you for this. Hearing from someone with similar experiences is a relief, and hearing that it's possible to set boundaries helps.

[Kitkat973]

Do these same people you speak of know about the abuse?

 

Some. When my inlaws were planning to meet my mother I explained some to my father-in-law, but only my husband and my closest friends know the reality of exactly how bad it was.

 

Facebook makes it difficult. My mother is 'friends' with all of my husband's family, and she's always been good at a public persona. She's also the type to be very forceful, and I know she wouldn't hesitate to make it very ugly and very public while setting herself in the role of the victim.

[Kitkat973]

I think you're right that I shouldn't say anything at the moment. I'm just thinking about it now because I feel like I'm at a crossroads, emotionally, on deciding if being a parent is something I want to have as a part of my life.

[Kitkat973]

It wasn't just verbal abuse. My father isn't really a part of my life, but was emotionally and sexually abusive. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive, as well as neglectful. She consistently placed me in dangerous situations and literally laughed when those situations resulted in sexual and physical abuse.

 

And you've hit the nail on the head. I'm so used to having to desperately try and hold onto any safety that I can that I am wary of stirring the pot.

[BellaDonna]

It wasn't just verbal abuse. My father isn't really a part of my life, but was emotionally and sexually abusive. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive, as well as neglectful. She consistently placed me in dangerous situations and literally laughed when those situations resulted in sexual and physical abuse

 

Based on what you have written here, I would suggest, child in the picture or not, that you strongly consider eliminating both of them from YOUR life completely.

 

There is no good reason why you should have to continue to endure emotional trauma from having either of them in your life right now.

 

You mentioned your mother has "friended" everyone in your husband's family on facebook. Does your husband know the extent of this abuse? If you decided to remove them from your life would he advocate for you and talk to his family and just ask them all to "delete" your mother simultaneously?

 

I am very sorry you had to go through that in your childhood. This is your adulthood now. You have the power to live life the way you want to and not be around toxic, damaging people.

[Kitkat973]

You mentioned your mother has "friended" everyone in your husband's family on facebook. Does your husband know the extent of this abuse? If you decided to remove them from your life would he advocate for you and talk to his family and just ask them all to "delete" your mother simultaneously?

 

I am very sorry you had to go through that in your childhood. This is your adulthood now. You have the power to live life the way you want to and not be around toxic, damaging people.

 

He does. I think if I asked him to he'd help, but I'm not sure. It's one of those situations where the day-to-day isn't that bad. Sometimes things are terrible, but most of the time it's just like a low thrum, and that makes it harder to take a decisive action.

[NightLily]

It wasn't just verbal abuse. My father isn't really a part of my life, but was emotionally and sexually abusive. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive, as well as neglectful. She consistently placed me in dangerous situations and literally laughed when those situations resulted in sexual and physical abuse.

 

And you've hit the nail on the head. I'm so used to having to desperately try and hold onto any safety that I can that I am wary of stirring the pot.

 

I'm sorry.. that is so horrible I can understand what it does to a person and since I never addressed it I kept ending up in bad relationships. It got extremely bad. That is why I think your mental health right now is sooo important. It is really huge that you are to the point where you realize what you went through wasn't normal nor was it your fault. And you want to protect your child just as you wished somebody would come and save or protect you.

 

There are social rules and your mom knows how to play on those. She knows how to make herself look good to others. Just remember that at the end of the day those other people don't know you, they don't know her, and you are a good person. Anybody who goes through that and comes out the other side still caring and hasn't become totally hate filled is a saint in my book.

[Seraphim]

I think you're right that I shouldn't say anything at the moment. I'm just thinking about it now because I feel like I'm at a crossroads, emotionally, on deciding if being a parent is something I want to have as a part of my life.

 

That is the thing, every abused person wonders if they will be a good parent. I know I wondered. I always wanted to be a mother but I wondered if I would be a good one. I am though. You have to decide that for yourself though. I know a lot of people who were abused as kids do not want kids, hate kids etc, and some love kids and still want to have kids but that is all very personal.

[Kitkat973]

Thank you for this. It... helps, and something that helps isn't what I was expecting to get here. I'm sorry that you had negative experiences as a result of being unable to face it.

 

She's very good at making herself appear like a wonderful person.

[Kitkat973]

That is the thing, every abused person wonders if they will be a good parent. I know I wondered. I always wanted to be a mother but I wondered if I would be a good one.

 

I think that's why I made this post. Because of everything that happened and all of the issues I have because of it, I'm worried that I'd somehow become them, or that I'd be unable to relate to a child, or that I'd look at my seven-year-old and remember that by that time I knew how to give a blowjob and I'd have no idea how to handle keeping a child SAFE and the idea of being unable to terrifies me.

[Seraphim]

I think that's why I made this post. Because of everything that happened and all of the issues I have because of it, I'm worried that I'd somehow become them, or that I'd be unable to relate to a child, or that I'd look at my seven-year-old and remember that by that time I knew how to give a blowjob and I'd have no idea how to handle keeping a child SAFE and the idea of being unable to terrifies me.

 

I feel for you. I really do. I also have no concept of seeing MYSELF as a child.I have no concept of myself as a child, if that makes sense. I CAN however see son as a child I am glad to say. I am very good to him and I am good at protecting him and I relate to him very well. I was able to relate to him as a child just fine.

[Kitkat973]

I feel for you. I really do. I also have no concept of seeing MYSELF as a child.I have no concept of myself as a child, if that makes sense. I CAN however see son as a child I am glad to say. I am very good to him and I am good at protecting him and I relate to him very well. I was able to relate to him as a child just fine.

 

That does make sense to me. It's only recently that I've been able to start to come to terms with some of my past by acknowledging that now, as an adult, I would not hesitate to call CPS over a child in the situation that I was in. The disassociation from self is the only way I can face it.

[Seraphim]

If you ever need anyone to talk to, I am around.

[NightLily]

I think that's why I made this post. Because of everything that happened and all of the issues I have because of it, I'm worried that I'd somehow become them, or that I'd be unable to relate to a child, or that I'd look at my seven-year-old and remember that by that time I knew how to give a blowjob and I'd have no idea how to handle keeping a child SAFE and the idea of being unable to terrifies me.

 

I think you wouldn't be making this post if you would turn into them. Which just made me realize I would turn into mine either.. its hard to accept.

 

We are both 23 but at this point I personally don't see myself ever being able to have children. Being called "mom" would terrify me. Don't know if you have that issue as well. We have a long time to work on it though.

[Kitkat973]

If you ever need anyone to talk to, I am around.

 

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

 

I have people in my life who are loving and supportive and I am thankful for them every day, but they cannot understand. And I am grateful for them that they cannot, but it can still be... lonely.

[Kitkat973]

I think you wouldn't be making this post if you would turn into them. Which just made me realize I would turn into mine either.. its hard to accept.

 

We are both 23 but at this point I personally don't see myself ever being able to have children. Being called "mom" would terrify me. Don't know if you have that issue as well. We have a long time to work on it though.

 

It is hard to accept. But I think that you're right. That you've offered someone you don't even know sympathy and advice on a situation that is obviously painfully close to your own past speaks worlds.

 

And the idea does scare me, some. But then I see my husband teaching a five-year-old judo and collapsing on a beanbag chair with four kids hanging on him because he reads the best bedtime stories, and I think about what it'd be like if our children had his violently red hair and my gray eyes, and... I think it could work.

 

I don't think that I could have MY child. But I think I could have HIS, if that makes any sense at all.

[Applewhite]

It is hard to accept. But I think that you're right. That you've offered someone you don't even know sympathy and advice on a situation that is obviously painfully close to your own past speaks worlds.

 

And the idea does scare me, some. But then I see my husband teaching a five-year-old judo and collapsing on a beanbag chair with four kids hanging on him because he reads the best bedtime stories, and I think about what it'd be like if our children had his violently red hair and my gray eyes, and... I think it could work.

 

I don't think that I could have MY child. But I think I could have HIS, if that makes any sense at all.

 

This just made me think of something I'd never considered. If I have a biological child, it could end up looking like my dad. I'd never live with myself after that.