Advice on Dining and $

[addy1]

Hello! I've been seeing my current boyfriend for 3 months now. There are some things that I should bring up, because it makes me angry/self conscious.

 

So, I know he doesn't have a lot of money. He's getting a PhD in Latin American Studies. He gets a salary for being a TA, but I know it's not all that much. I work full time, but even then my salary isn't even all that much as I still live at home with my parents.

 

Anyway, is it tacky for him to upfront ask me to pick up the dinner bill? (To be fair, he has paid for more dates than me.) If we do dinner and a movie, I'll pick up dinner and he'll get the movie tickets and vice versa.

 

This is an example of how I kind of become uncomfortable:

Him: "Hey, since I got dinner yesterday can you get this one?"

Me: "Yeah sure."

 

Other examples:

 

-I changed my mind from "dish A" to "dish B." He was like... Well, dish B is cheaper. I was kind of hurt by this remark. The difference in cost was less than $1.00. I didn't say anything, but it still bugs me.

 

-We went out to dinner with a group of his friends. I got a salad. He got a hamburger and beer. (His hamburger and beer combined was more than my salad.) Afterwards he was like, was the $12 salad worth it? It made me feel really bad. I told him yes the salad was worth it and thanked him again for dinner.

 

 

My questions are:

• Is it tacky for man to ask a lady to pick up the bill upfront? (Keep in mind that he picked the restaurant.)
  
• How can I confront him about making fun of what I order? Is this a sign of things to come? I don't eat a lot, I never order the most expensive thing on the menu, I never order a drink (soda or alcohol), I order water.
  
• 
  

 

I don't want to seem like a gold digger. But I want to be treated "right" as well. I don't mind picking up the dinner bill, but it kind of seems wrong for him to outright ask me to. I just don't appreciate him making comments on the cost of my meal either.

[guynextdoor]

His comments on the cost of the meal would be a deal breaker. That just seems cheap... Taking turns paying is great but to nickle and dime you would ruin a good date.

[oldenoughtoknow]

A gold digger? On a TA's salary?

 

If all this happened on your first few days, yeah, I'd say goodbye. But after 3 months and given money issues, I think it's okay to share the cost of meals are split. Maybe the way he goes about it isn't ideal, but okay. The other stuff, I agree, sounds cheap. I know he doesn't make much money, but to comment on less than $1 or a $12 dollar salad...is just tacky.

 

Have you tried to talk to him about it?

[StrawberryYogurt]

The comments about the cost are bad, but him asking you to foot the bill isn't since he's paid more of the dates than you. Being treated right means being treated equally meaning since he doesn't make much, you should pay half the dates.

[FreedomRing]

Agree with the others...swapping turns over dinner bills seems normal/ok to me. But commenting on the price of each entree you order is SUPER tacky. It's one thing for him to think that way, and another, for him to actually say it. He doesn't have alot of tact, it seems.

[hexaemeron]

Romance eventually has to give way to realism. He probably lives on a ridiculous shoestring budget so a few dollars could be the difference between solvency, and overdrafting on his account with the bank.

 

If it's really a problem, then go find some dude to bankroll all your dates.

[lila...]

Romance eventually has to give way to realism. He probably lives on a ridiculous shoestring budget so a few dollars could be the difference between solvency, and overdrafting on his account with the bank.

 

If it's really a problem, then go find some dude to bankroll all your dates.

 

I don't think that's the problem. I'm sure most of us would agree that after a certain time together, it's acceptable to split the bill, especially given his circumstances. It's the remarks and the way he's handling the situation that's the problem...who says, "You should probably get this because it's cheaper." when on a date with their partner? He repeatedly makes her feel bad for the money she's spending on eating and that's not acceptable. There are more diplomatic and kinder ways to handle it in my opinion. If he's acting like this so early on...I don't even want to imagine what he's going to be like when you're in a serious, committed relationship.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Romance eventually has to give way to realism. He probably lives on a ridiculous shoestring budget so a few dollars could be the difference between solvency, and overdrafting on his account with the bank.

 

If that's the case, he shouldn't be dating or socializing at all for the time being, really. This is true for anyone, man or woman.

[hexaemeron]

If that's the case, he shouldn't be dating or socializing at all for the time being, really. This is true for anyone, man or woman.

 

In a society that still basically enforces the man does the paying, that's not really fair. In most cases, all a woman has to do is show up.

[StrawberryYogurt]

In a society that still basically enforces the man does the paying, that's not really fair. In most cases, all a woman has to do is show up.

 

No, what I'm saying is that it should be roughly a 50/50 split and if that split is the difference between solvency and insolvency for a person, that person shouldn't really be dating or even socializing. If a woman is broke, she shouldn't be dating either. It is an unfortunate reality that almost all socializing involves some amount of money.

[tattoobunnie]

Any man who has money, never complains about paying for his lady's meal (Other things may be a different story). Any man who isn't a tight-wad, never tells a woman what she should and shouldn't be ordering at dinner based on price. And if isn't food, this guy will find something else to hold over your head down the road. Like you wear too much make-up, your clothes, your friends. My guy doesn't have a lot of money, but has never once commented on how much my food is costing. I have also dated someone filing for bankruptcy, and never did he comment on how much my food costs.

 

You may be better off with a partner who doesn't believe in ti+ for tat mentality. I'm so not about always being even with my friends, family partner. Just give what you can when you can. That's it. Keeps it simple.

[tattoobunnie]

In a society that still basically enforces the man does the paying, that's not really fair. In most cases, all a woman has to do is show up.

 

Man, you must have the most mean and laziness women in your neighborhood. Ever get waxed before, and spend hours doing your hair, make-up, and getting dressed to look good for your partner or date? Or have you ever spent 5 hours preparing a meal for your partner? Even though I'm in a committed relationship, I still don't roll out of bed, put some pants on and head out the door with my guy.

 

I always find it interesting when people think the X and Y generation are full of Feminists that want everything split down the middle. Considering women still get paid 30% less in the US, can get prego, and become single moms, all men out there, it's cool and appreciated if you cover our first couple of meals when you specifically ask us out.

 

I mean, my guy makes less, so why the hell am I making him pay when we can to the 4 star restaurants I pick out? I don't. Honestly, if that guy was so concerned about money, he could stay home & COOK!

[hexaemeron]

I'm gay, so I know exactly how it feels to be waxed and to groom myself. I'm just going by what I see from my str8 guy friends. Basically, some skank gets painted up like a greasy strip of turkey bacon wearing wedges, drinks expensive cocktails and goes for the steak and lobster, says she hopes they can just be friends and then moves on to the next dumb hetero guy who will pony up to feed her for showing up.

 

But this is California. Maybe it's nicer elsewhere.

[tattoobunnie]

When my brother lived out in S.D. for 13 years, he always told me that the first thing women looked at when they looked at guys were the watches (to tell what money roll he was in).

 

Yes, gold diggers run rampant in different parts around the world. Birds of a feather flock together. All my ladies, and I know a lot of them, honestly are the bread-winners of the relationship. So I don't see why a guy paying for the check is like an OMG moment. You take care of eachother. Keeping track is pointless in my book.

[oldenoughtoknow]

He could stay home & COOK!

 

There's your bottom line, right there.

[sophie274]

I think it's very rude for him to comment on the price of your food or ask you if it was worth it BUT it sounds like he is feeling very stressed over money (or he is just boorish but I'm betting on the former). I think you should be paying for half of the dates, given your respective financial situations, and that you two should work together to go on dates that are affordable for both.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Basically, some skank gets painted up like a greasy strip of turkey bacon wearing wedges, drinks expensive cocktails and goes for the steak and lobster, says she hopes they can just be friends and then moves on to the next dumb hetero guy who will pony up to feed her for showing up.

 

Snap! Hex, don't hold back, man. Tell us what you're really thinking.

[hexaemeron]

Snap! Hex, don't hold back, man. Tell us what you're really thinking.

 

I'm good with the adjectives.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Snap! Hex, don't hold back, man. Tell us what you're really thinking.

 

LOL! But yeah, I agree with him. That's why it's stupid for men to take women out to dinner on first date. Keep it cheap, fun, and original, like going hiking, bicycling, or tennis, something active.

[StrawberryYogurt]

You take care of eachother. Keeping track is pointless in my book.

 

I get the take care of each other, but if it's just first few dates, why am I taking care of her or vice versa? And it's easy to say that keeping track is pointless when you're not the one footing the bill which is the case for most women in first few dates. I'm a progressive man so I expect the girl to chip in her share as I'm respecting her by treating her as an equal.

[addy1]

Hey Everyone!

 

Thanks for all the feedback. I don't mind picking up the bill for dinner. It's just when he makes comments about how much my dinner costs it makes me self conscious and upset. I don't have a lot of experience dating, so I don't really know what to expect.

 

What's the best way to handle this situation? I'm thinking the next time he mentions how much my dinner costs, I'm just going to tell him "I don't like it... It's not cool..."

 

No man wants to hear that he's cheap, right?

[hexaemeron]

Maybe you should say something like "Let's make sure not to spend more than ____ dollars tonight" and see what he says.

[Jd1983]

If he brings up the price again, just mention that you're well aware of the cost.

 

Sometimes when I'm in a restaurant with my bf, I'll hold back on certain items because of the price. It's just the way I am. However, when I bring it up to my bf, he'll make a comment like - I didn't ask you for the price. If you want it, just get it, don't worry about it.

[tattoobunnie]

I get the take care of each other, but if it's just first few dates, why am I taking care of her or vice versa? And it's easy to say that keeping track is pointless when you're not the one footing the bill which is the case for most women in first few dates. I'm a progressive man so I expect the girl to chip in her share as I'm respecting her by treating her as an equal.

 

That's cool. All the men in my area think differently, and have been raised to think differently. Then again, the women in my area aren't giant coniving cheapstakes looking to score free meals.

 

I believe who ever asks, pays, cuz if it's only about getting to know eachother, and having a meal together, it's called coffee, and walking in a park. All relatively super cheap & free.

[Batya33]

I think his comments are tacky - nothing to do with how much money he has or doesn't have. I'm a fan of going to places where you basically feel comfortable ordering whatever as far as the price range. Can you vary your dates so that there are dates where you don't go to a sit down restaurant, or maybe someone cooks.

 

I especially disliked the comment about the salad - he assumes that more food means it's worth it when you're perfectly entitled to prefer to pay for lighter food that you enjoy eating.