My wife isn't attracted to me....

[RoboDuck]

I'm 21 and she is 23 and we used to have a fantastic sex life. It wasn't like every day super amazing, but we had sex at least once or twice a week. I would have loved more, but that amount was enough for me to be satisfied.

 

Problems started when we didn't have sex for about a four month span.

 

She was having some pain and absolutely refused to see a gynecologist about it. She finally saw him and he gave her some medicines and creams and other fun stuff and she got better. During the span where she was in pain, she would resist ABSOLUTELY EVERY ADVANCE I MADE even if I wasn't trying to have sex with her. She didn't want to kiss or cuddle or anything. So I basically lived for four months without any affection. Every time she said "no" it got harder and harder for me to see her in a sexual way, or even in a romantic way. She sort of morphed into a roommate in my mind.

 

Once she said there was no more pain, we had sex a couple of times, but then abruptly stopped. There was no pain and she told me that she liked the feeling, but there was a 100% cutoff. At first she wouldn't talk to me about it, but then she told me that she wasn't attracted to me anymore.

 

 

 

 

I work hard. I have a full time job as a software engineer and I'm making pretty good money. She does not have a job. She is a full time student and I support her financially. I'm rich compared to most other people near my age, and I think I'm decently attractive. I know other women are attracted to me. There is a small, pretty brunette at work, and with a wave of my hand, I could make her clothing disappear! The more my wife turns me down, the more appealing that idea sounds to me. I love her, but I need to have sex. Masturbation doesn't cut it and I don't think it's too much to expect newlyweds to be getting naked with each other from time to time.

 

I really don't want to jump into an affair, I want my wife to be attracted to me again but she says that she doesn't know why she isn't. This is tearing me up to the point where I am seriously considering drastic action, like divorce or fleeing the country and restarting my life somewhere.

 

Help?

[RedDress]

I think that drastic action should be marriage councilling.

 

If she can't tell you what's wrong, she needs to find a way to tell you what's wrong. Sex is an important aspect of marriage. She needs to be able to communicate what's going on with her. A councillor can help her do that.

 

Cheating will simply put the nail in the coffin of your marriage.

[RoboDuck]

I think that drastic action should be marriage councilling.

 

If she can't tell you what's wrong, she needs to find a way to tell you what's wrong. Sex is an important aspect of marriage. She needs to be able to communicate what's going on with her. A councillor can help her do that.

 

Cheating will simply put the nail in the coffin of your marriage.

 

I'm up for counseling, if she is we'll go. Right now, putting a nail or two in that coffin doesn't sound too bad, but I am just reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaally frustrated. I wish there was a way to revert to just dating.

[ForumGuy]

Sounds like there are no kids involved. I would try the marriage counseling, but honestly with this happening at such a young age, I would be thinking more of bailing too.

[FathomFear]

I think you really need to sit down and talk this out with her. If she takes the approach of 1) not giving you an answer, or 2) just brushing it off, you need to be very clear that it is not acceptable. Problems like this can arise from time to time in any relationship, but to actively not take steps to overcome it is just not acceptable.

 

Might I ask how long you've been married? You're both rather young.

[mouseno4]

I think you need to try to convince her to see a counselor about this. If she flat out refuses to go, then you are left with little options left. And you know what that means.

[RoboDuck]

Sounds like there are no kids involved. I would try the marriage counseling, but honestly with this happening at such a young age, I would be thinking more of bailing too.

 

No children, bailing is just hard because I do love her and I do think that she loves me. Our love just warped into something odd, and unsatisfying to me. If it continues the way it is though, I will be left with no other recourse.

[RoboDuck]

I think you really need to sit down and talk this out with her. If she takes the approach of 1) not giving you an answer, or 2) just brushing it off, you need to be very clear that it is not acceptable. Problems like this can arise from time to time in any relationship, but to actively not take steps to overcome it is just not acceptable.

 

Might I ask how long you've been married? You're both rather young.

 

We've been dating for three years, living together for one and married for less than one.

[DN]

I think she should first see a doctor/therapist to see if there is anything wrong with her that needs fixing and, if there isn't, get some counseling. If she will do neither then leave because this isn't a marriage. The longer you wait the more you will end up paying, mentally, emotionally and financially.

[Stay_home]

So was everything else just a lie and as it turns out she was just simply not attracted to you?

[Theniceone]

Hi Robo,

I am sorry that you are going through this. However when you mention that you have a good job and are ''richer'' than others, are trying to say that this fact alone combined with the fact that you support her financially should make her attracted to you?

 

Being a female I am quite appalled by what I see on these forums. I can understand that a good financial situation may make you intially more attractive to some. However once you have the girl this fact alone will not sustain it. Do you actually have any quality time together anymore?

[RoboDuck]

So was everything else just a lie and as it turns out she was just simply not attracted to you?

 

I don't think so. The gynecologist gave her some prescription medication to handle inflammation and pain, so I'm sure she was in pain.

 

I was really tolerant with her during that time even though I was completely unsatisfied. Now that there is no pain and no sex, I am getting upset. I feel like I am starving in front of an all-you-can-eat buffet that I am not allowed to touch.

[RoboDuck]

Hi Robo,

I am sorry that you are going through this. However when you mention that you have a good job and are ''richer'' than others, are trying to say that this fact alone combined with the fact that you support her financially should make her attracted to you?

 

Being a female I am quite appalled by what I see on these forums. I can understand that a good financial situation may make you intially more attractive to some. However once you have the girl this fact alone will not sustain it. Do you actually have any quality time together anymore?

 

We go on dates all the time. Other than the complete lack of sex, our relationship is fine. Having money should at least eliminate some stress from her college life. When I went through college I lived on ramen noodles cheap coffee. I lived in a tiny, ugly cement room that I furnished with cardboard boxes, a microwave and a coffeemaker. She can have steak every night if she wants it. We live in a huge apartment with tons of nice stuff. Additionally, I got her out of a really abusive situation with her mother about three years ago. Compared to the tiny shack she was stuck in with that screeching drunk, our apartment is a palace and she pretty much tells me that once or twice a month.

 

Sometimes she gets depressed and tells me that she thinks that I do everything and that she is useless. I always tell her that she isn't. It's true. She does lots of stuff. She cleans the apartment and makes dinner sometimes (we eat out about 70% of the time).

 

If I'm only good initially, why should I ever want to go beyond that point in a relationship?

[Sparkly Eyes]

How are you 21 and have all this money? lol

 

if she is willing to work on your problem, then you might be able to solve it. Does she say why she is not attracted to you? Is it your looks or something else?

[Firiel]

Sometimes she gets depressed and tells me that she thinks that I do everything and that she is useless. I always tell her that she isn't. It's true. She does lots of stuff. She cleans the apartment and makes dinner sometimes (we eat out about 70% of the time).

 

This is key. It's very possible she may be struggling with depression. People who have been abused often struggle with self-esteem issues. Getting married is hard. Feeling like you aren't pulling your weight in a new marriage is hard. Feeling like you aren't good enough for a spouse is hard. And that can bring about depression. Depression murders sex drive, and it's not uncommon for that to be taken as a "loss of attraction" to a spouse.

 

Please note that I'm not excusing her actions or her inability to try to make things better, but depression will do that to you. I'd suggest you talk to her about personal counseling as well as couples counseling for the two of you.

[RoboDuck]

How are you 21 and have all this money? lol

 

if she is willing to work on your problem, then you might be able to solve it. Does she say why she is not attracted to you? Is it your looks or something else?

 

I basically went three years without sleep to get a degree in math and another in computer science as quickly as humanly possible. Every year was year round, summers, intercessions, everything and every period was overloaded. The smallest semester I had in college was 21 hours. There were all sorts of jokes about me living in the CS lab for the three years I was there and honestly, I spent the night there more than once.

 

Once I graduated, finding a job was easy, and I'm only rich in comparison to other 21 year olds. 70k/yr is probably not so hard for someone in their 40's to find.

 

She says she doesn't know why she isn't attracted to me anymore.

[RoboDuck]

This is key. It's very possible she may be struggling with depression. People who have been abused often struggle with self-esteem issues. Getting married is hard. Feeling like you aren't pulling your weight in a new marriage is hard. Feeling like you aren't good enough for a spouse is hard. And that can bring about depression. Depression murders sex drive, and it's not uncommon for that to be taken as a "loss of attraction" to a spouse.

 

Please note that I'm not excusing her actions or her inability to try to make things better, but depression will do that to you. I'd suggest you talk to her about personal counseling as well as couples counseling for the two of you.

 

She's gone to personal counseling before with the counselor at her university. It just made her feel worse. I honestly don't care if she pulls her weight or not. I'd be fine with her behaving like an expensive pet so long as she was willing to do intimate things with me. It feels like I push and I try and I succeed and my reward is a sad woman who won't touch me.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I basically went three years without sleep to get a degree in math and another in computer science as quickly as humanly possible. Every year was year round, summers, intercessions, everything and every period was overloaded. The smallest semester I had in college was 21 hours. There were all sorts of jokes about me living in the CS lab for the three years I was there and honestly, I spent the night there more than once.

 

Once I graduated, finding a job was easy, and I'm only rich in comparison to other 21 year olds. 70k/yr is probably not so hard for someone in their 40's to find.

 

She says she doesn't know why she isn't attracted to me anymore.

 

hah, you sound like a great catch, not because of money but your drive. Do you think she might not be attracted to you because she feels inferior and insecure with you?

[stillstunned]

So what was causing that pain? Inflamation, creams, pain? It sounds strange really.

[hexaemeron]

So wait, you're supporting your whole lifestyle + her schooling, and she can't be bothered to make an effort at relationship parity? I don't like the sound of this at all...

[RoboDuck]

So what was causing that pain? Inflamation, creams, pain? It sounds strange really.

 

At first, we thought it was an STD (not out of any extramarital affair record, but because a doctor told her it looked like chlamydia.). The doctor said it might be chlamydia. We both got tested and both got negatives (I never want to get tested again. There are some places cotton swabs should never go). Then she went to the gynecologist who told her that it was probably caused by stress. He gave her something that she injects into her vagina every day. It made a ton of dead-skin-stuff come out of it and made it stop hurting.

 

I don't see what would be stressing her out. Her life is pretty easy. She is an Exercise Science major, so she runs around and gets a ton of exercise. We don't have any money troubles and other than this one area, we agree and work really well on pretty much everything. She tells me that she isn't feeling stressed. Ironically, not having sex is starting to stress me out a great deal.

[RoboDuck]

So wait, you're supporting your whole lifestyle + her schooling, and she can't be bothered to make an effort at relationship parity? I don't like the sound of this at all...

 

I don't really expect her to do much other than be a companion and get naked. Other women have told me that they would pretty much walk through hot coals to get the life I'm giving her.

[hexaemeron]

I don't really expect her to do much other than be a companion and get naked. Other women have told me that they would pretty much walk through hot coals to get the life I'm giving her.

 

I have an uncomfortable question for you now. I know you said earlier than you got her out of an abusive situation, and now you do all this stuff for her to make her life as easy as possible. Are you sure she sees you as a husband and partner and not... a good friend who does all this stuff for her?

[RoboDuck]

I have an uncomfortable question for you now. I know you said earlier than you got her out of an abusive situation, and now you do all this stuff for her to make her life as easy as possible. Are you sure she sees you as a husband and partner and not... a good friend who does all this stuff for her?

 

I honestly have no idea. I think part of the problem might be that I work 40+ hours a week now. She might feel sad since I'm pretty much there only from 5pm to about 10pm when I go to sleep M-F, but damn it, if I don't work, we don't eat. I'd expect any adult to acknowledge that reality and cutting off sex isn't productive. It just makes me unhappy and can make some of the time we do spend together edgy and unpleasant.

[hexaemeron]

I honestly have no idea. I think part of the problem might be that I work 40+ hours a week now. She might feel sad since I'm pretty much there only from 5pm to about 10pm when I go to sleep M-F, but damn it, if I don't work, we don't eat. I'd expect any adult to acknowledge that reality and cutting off sex isn't productive. It just makes me unhappy and can make some of the time we do spend together edgy and unpleasant.

 

That's what I mean though. If she truly saw you as a partner, she'd at least make an effort, even if it crashed and burned, you know? That's why I'm wondering if maybe you're just that great guy who treats her nice, bankrolls her and makes no demands of her. She gets to have the life she wants, with absolutely no work on her part involved.

 

It sounds like a distinct possibility of you being taken advantage of.