A (long!) lesson in friendship and betrayal..

[Kitten love]

Forgive this long post, the events of the past month have been interesting.. I have lost my best friend and more.. and I will find it very hard to trust again..

 

A few months ago I started seeing a guy A (Let's call him Corey), but having recently been dumped by my boyfriend of 3 years, was not really in a position to open up emotionally. Corey was sweet, funny, everything I could want, but I just wasn't ready.

 

I ended things with Corey and shortly after was set up with guy B (let's call him Trevor). We had a few dates, and he shared that he had Genital Herpes. He assured me that because he had no lesions he was not contagious, so we slept together.. unprotected (I was drunk but.. no excuse I know). I immediately got tested (negative) and he started medications to stop viral shedding but stupidly I slept with him again, without protection. We ended it shortly after. I am due to be re-tested this week but I am sure it will be negative because I have no lesions whatsoever and he was on medications at the time. (Please no judgements on the unprotected sex, I know it was stupid, I am codependednt and in a lot of cases feel I must do whatever my partner wants in order to stay in the relationship, including sexually, I am in counselling over this so no comment on this please. I will never make this mistake for a guy again.).

 

Of course I told my best friend EVERY detail.. and apparently another friend (Corey's female housemate) while I was drunk one night, but I don't remember..

 

I met up with Corey again, and we decided to start seeing each other again. The very next time I saw him I brought all the STI paperwork and was going to divulge everything about Trevor to him.. however.. my best friend, had minutes earlier told him all about Trevor, herpes and that I was never going to tell him!!

 

So I confronted my best friend, I was very angry, and from that point onwards ignored my tests, phone calls, and blocked me on facebook. Coreys housemate who for some reason also believed I was diseased and going to deliberately mislead Corey has now spread the rumour that I have herpes, to the point where she came home drunk with some friends three weeks after the confrontation with my bestie, and one of her friends (who I have met a couple of times) yells out "HERPES!!"

 

I feel like whenever I visit him im amongst enemies. I really don't know how to handle it. I've tried playing nice with the housemates but then things like "HERPES!!" are happenning weeks after the fact so now I just ignore them.

 

Gahhh!! Thanks for reading. It has been therapeutic to vent.

[bulletproof]

He assured me that because he had no lesions he was not contagious, so we slept together.. unprotected (I was drunk but.. no excuse I know).

 

Of course I told my best friend EVERY detail.. and apparently another friend (Corey's female housemate) while I was drunk one night, but I don't remember..

 

Perhaps the first order of business is that you stop drinking?

 

I don't know... I'm guessing your friend told because she would have wanted to know if she was in Corey's position. Yes, you told her in confidence, but that probably put her in a really terrible place of whether someone's health was more important than her promise to you to keep a secret.

 

Do you want the friendship back or not?

[Kitten love]

Perhaps the first order of business is that you stop drinking?

 

I don't know... I'm guessing your friend told because she would have wanted to know if she was in Corey's position. Yes, you told her in confidence, but that probably put her in a really terrible place of whether someone's health was more important than her promise to you to keep a secret.

 

Do you want the friendship back or not?

 

Thankyou I agree, my drinking was a problem, a side effect from a breakdown of a three year relationship. It is one im working on and I haven't consumed excessive amounts of alcohol (infact only small amounts a few times) in the last month.

 

I would have completely understood my bestie telling Corey if I had intended to withhold this information from him, I would never put another person at risk! The point was she went and told him the situation AND (incorrectly!) that I was going to mislead him.. when I had not had the chance to do so myself. We had only decided to start seeing each other 48hrs prior and I had not seen him after that.

 

I do not want the friendship back, I have been too badly betrayed, but I suppose I would like some input on how to deal with Coreys housemates.. who I will have to see regularly and who don't like me or trust me, and believe wrong things of me. I've tried talking to them but they believe my ex best friend over me.. one being her sister and the other having practically grown up with her.

[bulletproof]

You may not be able to win the roommates over at all, or at least not for a long time. How long does he plan to live there? I also think that he should not be allowing them to treat you that way. If I had someone coming to my house that I was dating, and my roommates were giving that person a hard time, I would feel it was my responsibility to straighten things out.

 

Short of posting your STD results on his refrigerator, I'm not sure there's much you can do.

[RedDress]

You, my dear, have no one to be mad at except yourself.

 

Of course I told my best friend EVERY detail.. and apparently another friend (Corey's female housemate) while I was drunk one night, but I don't remember..

 

If you were SO drunk that you don't remember the other person in the room or the conversation... well... then you don't remember. You really don't know what you were going on about. Maybe they had asked you about dating and you told them that you'd never tell a future partner! You have to assume you said this.

 

Also, secrets are usually kept in the same manner they are told. If you stumbled in drunk, don't even remember who was in the room and started drunk-rambling about it... well... it's not very secretive. This wasn't a one-on-one sober, soul-bearing heart to heart. YOU, in fact, started the rumors.

 

Like BulletProof, I actually think you potentially put your friend in a very tough spot. It's understandible why she reacted the way she did. She was trying to protect Corey's overall health.

 

That girl yelling "HERPES!"? Yeah - that's immature and hurtful.

 

I think you should be mad about how YOU yourself handled the situation. I don't think you should be mad at your friend...

[Kitten love]

I believe I do have a right to be mad at those who continue to spread lies and rumours.. I had actually forgiven my ex best friend (and told her so in a text), and was more than willing to work on our friendship, however she continued to ignore and block me, and I have no idea why.

 

I would completely understand if I blurted this information into a room while I was drunk, but in actual fact we were at a pub with nobody else from that friendship circle there, and apparently (according to the ex best friend) it was a one on one conversation.

 

And in relation to what was said that night, youre right- I have no way of knowing exactly what I said. But although I have one friend with herpes who may not tell potential partners, I have always passionately maintained that I would tell ANY potential partner of a possible infection/confirmed infection, so I would not think I would contradict myself when drunk, I would tell the truth. But yes, you're right.

 

It's more my treatment now that's upsetting me, as I had come clean and been absolved of all doubt, arriving only minutes after he was told with all the information, yet even AFTER this the rumours (which at this point are that i AM infected, which is not true) continued to be spread by those who knew the truth.

 

Please be kind people, I am hurting enough.

[Kitten love]

And please, refrain from patronizing comments like "my dear". It comes accross as quite passive aggressive.