being gay and single sucks

[lovekare]

I've been single for a year now. I broke up with my abusive ex girlfriend last July and have tried really hard to get over her. In the meantime, I've had a few crushes but they all turned out badly. The last girl I liked just deleted me from FB for no apparent reason. I guess because all the girls I like are straight. I dont know how to even feel anymore. I have never had trouble finding girs that liked me before. I consider myself pretty and fun to be with, I don't really get why I'm single. I'm really lonely and I'm starting to get really depressed about it. I even have been sad about my ex and thought I would have been better off taking her verbal abuse than being as alone as I am. I have two best friends, but one is moving to nyc next week and the other has a boyfriend who doesn't want her hanging out with a lesbian. I'm trying to be positive but I'm really sad about it. Ive been going out to clubs and parties, I even went to an all lesbian festival here in Miami, and nothing, not even an exchange of phone numbers. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know if maybe it is because everyone can see my sadness. I just don't want to be lonely anymore. I feel I have a lot to offer, and could be an awesome girlfriend. It's getting me down that no one has tried to date me in a whole year. I don't have low self esteem but I'm starting to think maybe I don't see myself with realistic eyes. Maybe I'm not pretty. I don't know what else could be. I want to be free from this funk, I'm getting a little desperate, but I know the more desperate I get , the harder it will be to find someone. I don't know how to feel better. I haven't had sex in 6 months, and the last time was with my ex who made me feel like a crap about it after. Life is just not fun right now and hasn't been for a while. Will it ever be again? Every day I want to live a little less and I don't want to feel like this anymore.

[ferna3069]

im sorry to hear this and i know life is hard at times but it gets better, something i learned about been heart broken i you have to love yourself before loving some one else. your young. your only 25 enjoy life. get over your ex first because if u try to date when your not over her its just going to make u feel worse about it. and also your not going to be your complete self. you sound like a caring person. i know how hard it is to get over an ex but dont date just yet it doesnt sound like your ready u know

[lovekare]

but dont date just yet it doesnt sound like your ready u know

 

I'm not.

 

I don't really want to be with someone but I don't want to be alone. I just don't wanna be period.

[ferna3069]

i know u dont and trust me i know how you feel, i tride dating after my break up and the whole thing was a mess, it just made me feel worse at the end and made me miss my ex more. i know u dont want to be alone i understand but dont date just yet. your not going to be alone forever if you where with some one before nothing is going to stop you from having some one later, just get over your ex first u know. im not trying to make u angry im just saying from my experience, i know what your going threw. trying to find love to feel in the void not a good idea

[lovekare]

It hasn't been working out, so I get it. I have to get over my ex first and I' m not. I'm just angry that I can't move forward from a girl who hurt me so much. I thought I was going to leave that toxic relationship and was going to find someone who treated me right, right away. I guess I should first address what is wrong with me that I let someone abuse me mentally and emotionally for five years. I know I shoudn't date. It's a mistake for anyone to get involved with me right now. I just really wanted someone to help me numb the pain. I guess it's a good thing that there's no one here. No one to get hurt by my mess.

[ferna3069]

i know know how you feel, and you like i are going threw the same thing, my ex hurt me so bad and im still trying to recover from the pain. i did so much for her but all she did was care about herself. my ex used her crying and screaming to hurt me emotionaly, i know your angry. i know you just want to let all this anger out and il be honest with you. its going to hurt but the best way to get rid of the pain is to let it out. i let so much pain built up inside me and i came here to let it all go, i dont like the way my ex treated me ether. what im trying to say is if u want to talk im here for you. i know how u feel i know the devistating feeling. so if you want to talk go ahead i have been threw a ton and i can tell u that we can help each other out a ton.just tell me whats in your mind?

[lovekare]

Thanks.

 

I guess I just spend too much time pretending I wasn't hurt after her. I tried to be mature about it, and stay friends. but through all of that she just been hurting me even worse, only worrying about herself and using me to feel better. Six months ago I stopped caving in. But she kept coming around, and even though I stopped being affectionate then, I still listened to her problems and told her I loved her. She never gave it back. She never got better, and she just kept taking and taking from me. A few days ago I finally told her we couldn't be friends anymore. She yelled at me made me feel horrible about it and stopped talking to me. I guess that's for the best. All my friends are straight, and some have even suggested I "give boys a try". I don't think they realize how offensive that really is to me. My mom is "glad" I'm single and kinda wishes I never got another girlfriend for as long as I live. She never even asked me if I was okay after my breakup, she never cared. Everyone around me I feel is rooting against me. They don't even realize I could be so hurt and feel so alone. There's just no one I can talk to about how I feel about losing the only person I ever thought loved me for me. No one around me even thinks our relationship was a big deal, because we're just girls. I can't even vent and just talk about it. It's all just buried inside while I pretend to smile everyday.

[ferna3069]

it doesnt matter if you two are girls when you fall inlove with some one wether its two girls or a guy or a girl or whatever its going to hurt when you break up its a normal feeling. its human nature you know. and it does not sound like your mom is supportive about this . but it doesnt matter because as long as your comfterable with yourself and it makes u happy to be with the female sex its a good thing. be proud of yourself. i know the devistation you feel trust me i feel the same exact way. my ex also screamed at me when i told her i couldnt be in her life. all she did was get angry so i had to cut it off. been heart broken sucks and i know that. its ok to vent because keeping the feeling inside is just going to hurt more. i pretended to be happy to i lied to myself telling myself im happy but honestly im not i miss my ex a ton. i know that when we love some one we will take whatever they throw at us so dont blame yourself for letting u treat u bad at times. this is just going to be a lesson learned for the next girl that comes around. go ahead and tell me more im all ears.

[dramallama]

I'm not.

 

I don't really want to be with someone but I don't want to be alone. I just don't wanna be period.

Embrace being alone. It's not all that scary. Once you realise the good things about being with someone, then that makes you happy because you realise that you don't NEED someone to make you happy and to have a fulfilling life.

[lovekare]

Well after my ex I dated a girl for a few weeks. turned out she was interested in my straight best friend, and texted her asking her to hook up one night after she left my house. my friend never gave her the time of day, but it hurt so bad. it was so embarrasing that I really believed she liked me. I guess she was the last drop, you know. I took it harder than i should, and has made me scared to even try with other girls. Recently there was a girl i met at a club. We exchanged facebooks and chatted a few nights. I write a blog about being gay, and she liked it on fb. then one night we were chatting and she just logged off in the middle of the conversation. today I noticed she unliked my blog and deleted me from her friends. I don't know why. I think she's straight and I guess realized I like her somehow. I'm so scared to get hurt again that I don't trust anyone. I don't even trust my friends, my family, no one. I guess thats really why I feel so alone. It was easier to fight through this when I had someone to lay next to. Now that is just me against the world, I'm not sure I can handle it.

[ferna3069]

well something i learned is that when your heart broken u dont date the best people around. it sounds like the first girl was a cheater and the second one sounds like maybe she was just not intrested or she might also have been a cheater who knows. all i know is that when trying to date some one else after beeen heart broken your not going to be the you that you usualy are because your hurt and trying to look for affection. i tried doing this and it sucks. i found girls that just arnt my type but i was willing to try it just because i needed to feel the void. after all this i decided that it was best that i heal. i came on here to vent on whatever was on my mind and it helps out alot. i know been heart broken takes out alot out of us but every one here on ena sticks together help each other out and we become great friends. after we are happy agian you will see some one who is worth your time and you wont date jerks.

[lovekare]

I guess they were kind of jerks.

 

youre so right about it, its just hard accepting that you have to do what you fear the most in order to be happy.

 

it wasnt easy going through what I've been through in the last five years of my life. i know is the time now to heal and let it all scar up so i can have a better life. I wouldnt want to go through this when I'm older or when I have kids that depend on me. I just didnt prepare I guess. I didnt see it coming. I saw such a different solution. I feel like I lost twice. Once during the relationship and then after it. I should have never talked to any of those girls. it was too soon, and i haven't really been myself lately. I guess I'm just listening to other people and thinking a year is too long to be hung up on someone who doesnt love you. The thing is I dont want to be with my ex. She hurt me and continues to hurt me and I honestly want nothing to do with her. So I'm freaked out at not wanting a specific person, but just wanting someone, anyone. I dont know how to handle with going so long without kissing someone, having sex with someone. That is not the main reason of my loneliness, but I guess its the newest experience, and the hardest to deal with. My mind is just doing weird things lately. My priorities are not what they should be. I feel slightly jaded and that brings me down.

[ferna3069]

well its all about living and learning we all make mistakes, i made a ton of mistakes il tell you that much, i know we all want to find some one to love and kiss and be there for us while we are there for them. but we cant do it while we are heart broken, and it hasnt been a year that you have been hung over her. its only been six months. im not over my ex and its been almost a month since i havent talked to her and 4 months since the break up. we dont start healing when they break up with us or we break up with them. we heal when we are away from our exes. keeping in contact for six months isnt u healing. same way it wasnt me healing. thats because we have so many emotions for our ex. its hard to let them go but we dont let them go until we stop talkig to them. what your feeling is completely normal. so dont worry about how long it takes u . just know that your going to get there and im going to help you get there.

[lovekare]

im sorry, but why would you want to help me? just wondering. no offense by it.

[ferna3069]

well my break up was a horrible break up and when i needed some one to vent to i did not have them. so i know how it feels to want to get your self together and not having some one to help you out.

[lovekare]

I can relate to that.

 

Maybe the worst part about this is feeling weak. I feel so weak. i know I'm not weak. But I feel heavy, like there's a weight on top of my head. I'm not used to not sucking my feelings up and pretending everything is ok, like before. I'm feeling everything, like the day after a car wreck. It sucks. I'm also embarrased to even explain to a new person where my life went in the past years. It's like, wow. I can't take it back, it happened, she happened. I see myself evolving under this shell of emotions. Once its shed I'll become the amazing person that I'm creating inside of me right now. At least I learned to never lie about my feelings to anyone who I care about because I know how much it hurts. And I'll be kind and sweet and understanding, things maybe I wasn't to my previous relationships before the last one. I'm learning so much about myself during all the time I spend alone. Its all a chaos inside of me but it will settle into whatever my life is meant to be. At least I'm glad she's not coming alone to ruin my future too.

[ferna3069]

i know how you feel. ever since the break up i became an emotional wreck. it hapens to the best of us.i know how it feels to keep so much stress inside and think about it over and over.i can tell you that what your going threw is normal because trying to feel in the void just makes u miss the ex more.we all make mistakes so dont worry i dont jugde by the mistakes people have made. i can tell u that my life whent into the wrong direction to. so go ahead vent whats in your mind?

[ferna3069]

if its to personal its ok its just whatever u feel comferable with u know

[scottdal]

Seriously...you have to resolve your old feelings before starting another otherwise you'll be distracted and not completely engaged in the next relationship. Most good relationships begin with friends, go out and have a good time , smile and just hang out with your friends. Stop looking for her and she'll find you when you both are ready. OH and if you have a fear of being alone get over it because no one wants to be alone but the one thing you should never do is settle either. find someone that makes you happy and you seem to make just as happy, and can communicate easily with you have plenty of time. Remember bad things happen when things are rushed communicate, observe and feel should all be a green light before you relate with another. Unless it's just casual sex. Then it is what it is ....right?

[HappyFlow]

Have you ever tried some gay bar or something? I hear they are really fun there. Take a load off your chest and maybe the house will be your company.

[lovekare]

I went to aqua girl (south beach lesbian pool party) and pride but I went alone. I hang out with just two girls. One moved to NYC last week and the other one can never be seen at a gay anything. She is kinda like my parents.. they know I'm gay but they don't see it everyday so they treat me as if I'm straight. So going alone is not that much fun bc its really awkward, and most girls were just weirded out by the fact I was there alone on purpose..asking me questions like "how come you don't have any gay friends? are you in the closet?".. bars, I haven't even tried because I feel like people who know me but are not really my friends will see me alone and make fun of me. I feel too old to go though that. I really dont know how to get lesbian friends or even less a girlfriend.

[folie_a_deux]

I don’t think I’m in the same boat as you, but I agree that being single sucks. I’m just going to share what I’m going through at the moment, if it’s ok with you guys.

 

I’ve never had a same sex relationship since high school, I’ve had a straight relationship for around 5 months, but that didn’t work out. Instead the girl turned our friends against me so that was a wake up call that those friends weren’t my friends at all.

 

Now, it's been around a year since that relationship and I’ve been on this hook up website, and I’ve hooked up with a lot of guys but it’s not what I want. The other day, I think the guy was a tad tipsy (I tasted alcohol in his mouth) and he kept saying that he wanted to get to know me better, so I spent the night at his, just cuddling and whatever, but by the next day, when I tried to call him, it turns out he wasn’t interested at all.

 

So a lot of factors point in the direction that being single does suck, but I’m not sure where to meet guys. University? Online dating? I don’t even know.