GIGS and Reconciliation

[DurablePigment]

Hey guys,

 

Haven't posted on here in a while - felt like I was finally getting better - but the past few weeks have been just as hard as the beginning. I guess the summary is: we were together 7 years, thought we were each other's soul mates, best friends etc. We'd both just graduated and, thanks to the terrible job market, ended up in jobs that pay the rent and not much else. We started going through a bad patch around Christmas and eventually broke up in March. She said she loved me but wasn't in love with me, that she wanted to find out who she was without me, that she didn't think we were going anywhere (despite us talking about moving in together), that she didn't know what would happen down the line, and that 'if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.' Have a look at my past posts for the full story.

 

Anyway, it's coming up on four months since the breakup, and I'm just out of the angry stage and feeling a little weak. My question is - does this sound like GIGS and, if so, does anyone have any experience of reconciliation after such a breakup?

[tresqua]

No it doesn't sound like GIGs, you say nothing about her finding someone else therefore she hasn't even been over the fence yet.

[DurablePigment]

'Yet' being the key word in that sentence...

[tresqua]

It apparently hasn't happened, therefore it's not GIGs.

 

We can't be worried and base our actions or make theories about events that have not yet occurred and may NEVER occur.

 

I mean, we CAN, but it's not practical.

[Goodfellas]

Sounds similar to my situation. We were kind of on a relationship treadmill, not going anywhere - bad or good. It felt like we'd be BF/GF forever, no talk of future or marriage. Anyway, when she got a job elswhere and long distance would continue (after already doing 2 years of it) indefinitely, we called it quits. I planned on moving to her new city but I didn't have job prospects and she feared it would lead to resentment, which she was bang on about. Is there hope for reconcilliation? Doubtful. The original reason for breakup (distance) has not been addressed. Although we are amicable, I take it as a sign she still cares and we had a 'clean' breakup. Or she's bored. Either way... either way...

 

We're amicable now, but distance helps. I'm going to her grandfather's funeral Saturday and it will be the first time we've seen each other since the August breakup. Nervous/excited I am.

[Sanders24]

we were together 7 years, thought we were each other's soul mates, best friends etc. We started going through a bad patch and eventually broke up. She said she loved me but wasn't in love with me, that she wanted to find out who she was without me, that she didn't think we were going anywhere (despite us talking about moving in together), that she didn't know what would happen down the line, and that 'if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.'

 

Oh boy, like Im listening to myself 2 months ago...

 

We were together 8 years and she actually went in a rebound or gigs or whatever 10 days before BU.

 

And she also pulled all that explanations on me as well, its obviously some kind of a pattern lol

 

I went NC more then a month ago, got 2 emails from her since then, didnt responded anything, last one was yesterday...

[Heartdead]

She said she loved me but wasn't in love with me, that she wanted to find out who she was without me, that she didn't think we were going anywhere (despite us talking about moving in together), that she didn't know what would happen down the line, and that 'if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.'

QUOTE]

 

Sorry man, but this is 'female speak' for "I've been with you for a long time and want to see what it's like having other guys inside me without cheating on you." Continue on with your life as if you will never speak to her again. There is no such thing as GIGS, only people doing what they want to do with thier own lives.

[Thorshammer]

I dont believe in GIGs either, but i dont believe any line means they want to have sex with other people as if it was a general rule. Things get stale, and they just arent attracted to the person to keep pulling this person around as a crutch.

 

Anyways, I was in a similar situation,, she left when she came back from vacation. Attraction, not so much physical (but could be) died out, you had the comfort-check (she can be herself around you, you have this "us" thing going on), familiarity-check (she knows you, you know her, you are friends, super-close, its a connection), Attraction- BEEEEEP (the attachment to you has died off, either sexually, intimately, or the attachment of a future is bleak).

 

Something else attracted her... or she wants to be or believes she will be attracted to something else... either partying, being single and living alone with no one to take care of or meet their expectations, other men, many men, another man, etc. But the main thing is... her attachment to you (attraction) took a hit that she can lose not having you, that she WANTS to detach (another reason why they still keep in contact with us, because they still long for the comfort and familiarity, but lost attraction to you in "that way").

 

This is why we say... "man, i thought we were good (meaning we had comfort and familiarity, and YOU were still attracted), but she was detaching, but still possibly feeling comfortable and familiar with you and the relationship that it mimics a connection (which to her might be turning friendly, or less romantic and passionate or less of what she believes is a relationship.. or what she considers... lacking being in LOVE with you, but still having love, or the famous, "i love you like a friend, or i feel like we are becoming more like friends- this is comfort and familiarity still being there, but attraction- not so much).

 

Thats how i took my break up. Keep your head up, observe what "changed in you" that drifted away from being the man she once loved, and move on.

 

I do believe some people do JUMP the gun due to their inexperience that you might be able to label it as GIGS (which i call being stupid)- but either way, i still stand firm that attraction took a hit, they just got reattracted due to realizing that they arent the hot ticket that they thought they were, and the effort they put into meeting someone new they could have put into fixing what was generally a loyal and committed relationship.

[dumPI]

wise words! I agree 100%

But how much do you think loss of attraction is our fault vs. they not knowing what they want?

 

Because I see that everyone dumped for "no reason" starts a process of becoming better, more confident, analyzing himself to see what happened, etc. Is it really us?! Isn't attraction built in the eyes of the one looking?

[Thorshammer]

wise words! I agree 100%

But how much do you think loss of attraction is our fault vs. they not knowing what they want?

 

If they dont know what they want, then it was a feeling that lingered way more longer than the months/weeks/day that led to the break up. They could have been on the fence of a long time. I just dont see how someone can really attract their girlfriend (meaning everything, physically, and relationship-attraction where the future is so bright) and them all of a sudden want to take a detour from that. There was a bump on that road somewhere.

 

Though, I do believe some people can be persuaded by friends and family to lose attraction (ewww, hes kind of short and scrawny, ewww, i dont think he will make a good husband, hes insecure and looks kind of weak). But still, its about attraction, even if the seed wasnt planted by them or you specifically.

 

But, to your question, it takes two to dance, and i believe a change in behavior from us (the dumpee) pushed away what they once that had potential.

 

This is not including people with issues. I know people get scared, have commitment issues, get anxiety, and other things that can halt a relationship. But, if you came on this post assuming she/he had GIGs (which tends to be the dumpee believing everything was good and they got side-swiped out of nowhere), then i assume there might not have been anything obvious to point to mental issues.

 

Because I see that everyone dumped for "no reason" starts a process of becoming better, more confident, analyzing himself to see what happened, etc. Is it really us?! Isn't attraction built in the eyes of the one looking?

 

I dont understand how someone can be rejected for no reason. Either attraction wasnt as strong as BOTH thought, or it died off. And its not about all visual, here is an example that spells death to attraction;

 

Me from before;

Yeah, i like to dance, would you go dancing with me? Cool, yeah, lets dance, we are going to have fun together! (we go out to clubs 4 or 5 times)

After;

after a year and a half, no more clubs, its boring, i am tired...

 

Guess what, the "before" me is what attracted her/him... the AFTER me might not have... might not even have gotten a second date!

 

Before:

I am confident, she has her own life and i dont interfere

after:

I get needy, i dont want her hanging out with certain friends

 

Before;

well groomed, smell good, like to go to special places and talk deeply about things

after;

you havent shaved in weeks, you wear the same undies for 3 days, you want to eat at restaurants only

 

If you are the same, then maybe she wasnt as attracted to you. A relationship has to have deep attraction to be successful, i question how someone can dip out if you are still the same person when that attraction is still deep as it ever was. You promoted yourself a certain way, and THAT is what made her see hearts and stars, and thats who you need to be forever.

[bigbang]

Thorshammer,

 

Even though I agree to your premise to a certain degree. What you described as things a person loses attraction for makes them rather shallow. I mean, seriously, if you go with that mentality to a relationship, that a person will be the same way for ever since the moment you meet is ridiculous and will set you for failure. People will change and if somebody really loves the other, they will learn to adapt and grow together. It's all about compromising. And I'm talking about real love here, the unconditional love that bears no barriers on whether you used to shave every day and now you shave every week or that now you don't want to go clubbing.

There will always be other things to do together and the difference between those that last a year and those that last a life time together is devotion. The will to know that for a relationship to last it will take work and lots of it.

 

I think that most of the time people just give up without the fight. And when somebody is young they just want to be "in love" all the time... not real love, but "hollywood love" and once that's over they jump ship and find "love" again. That's why you see so many people unhappy because they live their life in a perpetual search for happiness and "love" without understanding what they really are looking for. Sad, but that's the way it is.

[Thorshammer]

A relationship is about comfort, familiarity and attraction. Its not being shallow. No one should stop what attracted them to you, thats false advertisement. I chose those examples, but it can get deeper when it comes to change in behavior (which is a common theme here on the forums, where men are confident and they turn needy and clingy, thats not attractive, thats a behavorial issue that will sap attraction quickly). Its not so much focusing on the actual "event" of clubbing, or the action of shaving, its the change of attention and focus to what was you attracting them- the persona you once represented is now put to the way-side. Yes, you can love them, my ex loved me, but the attraction was gone... what is love without attraction? That is "I have love for you, but not in love with you".

 

If you display opposite behavior, or dont at least attempt to match the same amount of attention to dates and continuing the passion, and she/he loses attraction... i dont see that as shallow, I see that as someone realizing the person they were attracted to doesnt exist anymore.

 

Yes, some people do stay- because their other qualities is enough to stay (I have both left people, and stayed). But in most cases, it does not, so they seek something else- hence what people assume as "GIGs".

[bigbang]

A relationship is about comfort, familiarity and attraction. Its not being shallow. No one should stop what attracted them to you, thats false advertisement. I chose those examples, but it can get deeper when it comes to change in behavior (which is a common theme here on the forums, where men are confident and they turn needy and clingy, thats not attractive, thats a behavorial issue that will sap attraction quickly).

 

If you display opposite behavior, or dont at least attempt to match the same amount of attention to dates and continuing the passion, and she/he loses attraction... i dont see that as shallow, I see that as someone realizing the person they were attracted to doesnt exist anymore.

Once again as I said, I agree with you. But, it's unreal to expect somebody to be acting the same way when you started dating than after being together for 5, 10..etc years. It's not going to happen, it's this kind of expectations that leads to unhappy couples. All I am saying is that people will change and when you're in a relationship you need to compromise.

[Thorshammer]

Yeah, i agree. Some people take it differently than others. Age, maturity and experience plays a part as well. I honestly think that my ex will meet someone else, and attraction will die off as the strong honeymoon dies off, and she will stay and work at it with him, she will stay and realize that bumps do happen with people, and you have to work at it and ride it out together. That person will not be me, and she will use me as her example, as her experience as validation for the next man.

 

But i do know some really solid couples who maintain the same vigor year after year, and they havent dramatically diverted from who they were many years ago. They both are experienced enough to put in the same effort, they dont "sell" themselves a product that will break-down, they continue to push who they are in small, medium, or big ways, to still keep themselves in that range of what was attractive. And i also know couples that are completely different from who they were, and they dont seem as happy- some just settle.

 

I know for me personally, reversing what i became is what made my ex's come back. It was realizing the faults i had, noticing who i was and what i became, especially in behavior, since behavior can change your persona (and thats what attraction-love is, loving you for you... meaning love you at that moment that they are in love for who you are, if you change from that, love is not promised), and changing them, is when the ex came sniffing around.

[dumPI]

In the case of young people I think because they don't know what they are or what they want and they do change a lot they are on the quest for attraction. They are always looking for a greener grass (sometimes in a shallow way) although the one they have is green because they don't see the need for settling down yet.

 

It seems a question of timing & maturity. If you meet them when they are in the right moment they'll stick with you otherwise you'll feel the pain out of their road to maturity.

[dbhustla]

Thorshammer,

everything that you have written is the truth and it just opened my eyes on why my ex wont come back, its true does she still love me i know she absoloutly does but it got stale and boring and routine which caused the attraction to fade and to be left in a comfort zone. thxs man for really opening my eyes, its weird for me because we were together 6 yrs and i still am attracted to her and thats so importnat in a relationship, and if the feeling was mutual she would be back in the situation because the attraction alone can make people work on thier issues but once one of you's fall out of love or isnt attracted anymore its done... you turned on the lightbulb thanks man its hard to accept and its painful espeacially she just told me how she likes someone and wants a fresh start...