So confused...

[SensitiveSoul]

I've been dating a guy for 2 months but we slept together after only one month of dating, and I felt immense guilt afterwards thinking it was too soon. I was genuinely interested in him and I thought he was interested in me too, afterall he was the one doing all the pursuing. He was a perfect gentelemen when we spent time together, very charming, & always messaging me and calling me UNTIL after we slept together. His calls and texts became less and less frequent, and it seemed like he was giving me the runaround so I got hurt. I let him know that I was looking forward to spending more time with him and getting to know him better and that I appreciated the few moments we already had (we live in different cities) but I think he lost respect for me. Until him, I was celibate for many years, so I became frustrated and ashamed. My birthday just passed and he barely sent me a late e-mail, yet I wasn't surprised as I felt we were already growing apart. I replied to him that I was young but not naive (me 25, him 35 single dad w/ young son), and let him know that I had noticed his contact with me had become few and infrequent. I told him to forget about seeing me again. It seems like he could care less about me and I don't blame him-- he got what he wanted too soon and that was my fault! But why does he continue to lead me on and send mixed signals when I know for a fact his behavior has changed since we slept together. I was his conquest and he won the prize! He has no reason to care anymore. Yet he replied that he was sorry but didn't understand why I was acting cold towards him... I never was cold towards him, I let him know more than once that I appreciated him in my life and wanted to hear from him more often. (I'm new to the state and have few friends besides him). I've never sent him a mixed signal. And now, after all is said and done.. I'm flat out confused. I wish I could go back and restart our friendship, because I would have preferred to keep him as a friend first rather than anything else, but we've already crossed that line and I don't know what to do now. Should I just drop him and everything about him?? or reply to his message and suggest we remain "friends". I've never been in such a confusing situation before and I don't want to make any enemies in a new place before I establish real friends, but I just don't see where we could go from here... please help!:sad:

[tresqua]

You already figured out that he lost interest after you had sex with him.

 

There's nothing left for you with this guy except possibly a bit more meaningless sex.

[Lavender25]

I've had that happen to me before, but I hope you can be smarter than I was and get out as soon as possible. I went on to have a relationship with a guy who was only lukewarm about me.

 

I had a conversation with a male friend about this not too long ago and he said that he has slept with a girl or two (and maybe three...) and lost interest in them afterward. He said it wasn't a conscious decision, but that the attraction was gone. Now, I think you should wait a while after meeting a person to sleep with them if you want a relationship but I also think that if you sleep with a person and lose the attraction---then that wasn't the right person for you. When that person comes along and you have sex and you're still just as crazy about them (if not MORE) the next day, then THAT is the person for you.

 

This guy doesn't seem to into you now and it sounds like you know that. I think it was good to send that email but now leave it. He has a kid? Did you really imagine yourself becoming a step-mother?

[RedDress]

Yet he replied that he was sorry but didn't understand why I was acting cold towards him...

 

So... you know what the problem is with sleeping with someone too soon? I don't necessarily think it's the "respect" thing. I mean... sure. For some guys that's an element. But... I think the real problem is that hormones start flying around and we (mostly women) start to get more sensitive. Since there is no established relationship and "norm", you start to get a bit insecure (and understandibly so). You want/need validation and to think that he likes you.

 

In the meantime... sometimes life just happens. Maybe this drop in communication would have happened anyways. Maybe there IS no cause and effect. You said he was still contacting you...

 

The problem here is that you have no frame of reference with this guy (other than the first month). You don't actually know what's normal.

 

Anyways - it's entirely possible that he simply lost interest. It's really up to you. Do you want to gamble? He sounds perplexed. He could be. What he's wondering with the "cold" statement is why suddenly you want to stop seeing him when he's been contacting you and everything.

 

What was the magnitude of the drop-off? Did it go from daily communication to once a week communicatoin? Or was it less drastic? I think that's your way of determining whether it really IS possible that he's perplexed and you are being a bit insecure/freaky or whether he's lost interest.

 

So... what was the drop?

[SensitiveSoul]

you're so right.. lesson learned! I'll never let this happen again. :sad: Life goes on!

[SensitiveSoul]

@Lavender: This experience has definitely made me smarter, and I'll take your advice to get out/stay out as soon as possible. I was never trying to be stepmother so I guess it all works out in the end. I've avoided guys with kids in the past so I should have just stuck to my regular routine anyway. It would've added more complications to an already complicated situation. I guess it just hurts the most because I gave myself to him yet not to many others-- i grew up in a very religious family and was taught to stay gaurded, stay celibate, so the fact that I took a chance on him definitely frustrates me and makes me feel more angry at myself than at him. Lesson learned!!

[SensitiveSoul]

@RedDress The communication drop was drastic: from about 3-4 times a week (he would contact me just to say hello/ask me how was I doing) to once a week at most. We live 3 hours apart so the communication is important. In the beginning he was the one doing all the communicating-- he was actively pursuing me and showing interest, I never really reached out to him, just knew he would contact me eventually. Now, I barely hear from him, and the few times I tried to initiate a conversation he replied late. I know his life, I know his job, and I know he can access his phone easily and often while he works so this is why I'm sure he lost interest. I don't want to gamble, I don't have the time for stress/drama/games. I really prefer to stay single than be with someone unreliable, doubtful, and immature. I assumed I wouldn't have to deal with any of those because of his age and because he is a good father, but I guess age+fatherhood does not equal maturity. I never got around to asking him why his relationship with his son's mother failed but I'm starting to think he had something to do with their break-up (they were together 7 years). I'm just going to forget him, recover from my dissapointment, and make sure to avoid the same situation in the future.