Ignored me after i said yes...

[flower888]

been together for 5 years, he suggested to live together and then get married one year ago. i wasn't the live together type and i was ready so i took it slow. we were very happy together although i took my time to say yes. i wasn't playing hard to get, i don't really believe in marriage, i had my fears so i took time to be very sure before i said yes.

 

one month ago i finally said yes, he was very happy. we stayed together for two weeks , it was not bad. as we had been together for 5 years, the feeling wasn't the super infatuated type but was still great and sex was great. after that he had to leave for a three weeks trip, and then would come back to further carry out the logistic of moving in together.

 

five days ago, suddenly he didn't text me for the whole day. i worried for his safety, texted and called him but no response. i was so worried that nite. the next day, out of desperation, i called his mom. ( she likes me.) she told me should not be a problem, maybe just tired and sleeping. another half a day gone, still no response. i am sure he is ignoring me and i texted so. he confirmed by finally replying he is having emotional and physical turbulance and needs time.

 

i texted him to further clarify or agree that we talk when he comes back, he doesn't respond anymore. i lost 2kg within 3 days, i worry for my health, so i said your silent treatment hurts, and i take it that you don't want us anymore. i get it and i won't force things. take care.

 

he has the bad habit of ignoring me when he has his emotional issues. i don't know why it is so difficult to reply me that we will talk when he comes back. his silence shows how much he cares for me, i have no choice but to conclude he doesn't want us anymore. at first i wanted to put up with the silence, but it is affecting my health. it is easier for me to close the case and not kill myself by waiting every min. i don't deserve this.

 

now i can rest better, he may contact me again, i certainly hope, but i don't know. i am not angry and don't blame him, even if he wants to change mind he has the right. this morning i harbour hope that he will contact me, and this hope gives me strength. i just do NC for now. hope to get some replies from kind souls out here.

[flower888]

we "broke up" several times before, but sometimes not really a real break up, we fought and "broke up" and patched up one day to 3 weeks later.

 

however, this round i find it very real, we didn't fight, and because i said i accepted his proposal, so maybe no more challenge, and he feels that he doesn't feel love for me anymore. ok, this is not true love if this is the case. i have nothing to say. but, i don't even know what is going on. i understand i should not even ask anymore, it would irritate him and push him away more.

 

feelings are quite deceiptful anyway, sometimes you feel in love, sometimes you don't . after some time you feel it again. i felt this way before. i hope feelings will come back to him and he will look for me. i admit i am still in denial mode and hope he will contact me after some time.

 

we were not just casually dating, it was a real relationship, with lots of good memories. love doesn't just die overnight right?

i still want to believe in love, i still want to believe he will wake up soon and contact me. he must be having temporary blockage.

[TakingtheBlame]

Wait...you said he often goes silent on you when he's having emotional difficulties, right? You have been with him five years, so my guess is he has done this to you before, the whole going silent thing? On those occasions when he did this, what were the reasons? And how did you two resolve these issues those other times? It surprises me that you seem so shocked and confused by his behavior, when you've known him for five years and it doesn't sound like he has never done this before. And marriage is a big step! If that doesn't trigger emotional difficulties, then I don't know what does!

 

If this is how he reacts every time he is in emotional turmoil, then I would think twice about marrying him anyway. I don't think that he has fallen out of love with you, or that he is second guessing whether he wants to be with you, necessarily, but I DO think that he has pretty awful conflict resolution skills...and are you ready to spend a lifetime with a man who will disappear off the face of the earth every time he has difficulties at work, or every time you are ill, or every time the baby has to see a doctor, etc.? Don't panic and please do take care of yourself until he returns, but when he does (as I suspect he will) I would suggest couples counseling or some sort of professional help because I don't think a person who reacts this way to difficulties is going to be a great life partner...

[flower888]

taking the blame: thank you for taking time to write to me.

 

on occasions when he did this in the past, it would usually be over small daily matters and i phrased it such that i was blaming him. so i had learned that it was my "fault" , he could not take the slightest criticism. he never criticise me, so i had learned not to criticise him, and phrase the issue properly. it could also happy if he is unhappy over certain things, not common though. we discussed this several times, he told me to just let him be silent, if he speaks during such times it would be hurtful words, so he wants to avoid talking. however, silent hurt me too, so the dilemma was never resolved. i had to accept it, but this round i couldn't cope because it hurts too much. i didn't expect it because we didn't fight.

 

he is a respected professional in his workplace, he is hardworking, nice, sweet, patient, loving, caring during normal times which is most of the time. this silent thing is his only short coming in my eyes and i choose to accept it. i mean i won't leave him because of this. i feel that he becomes a pouting teenager when he is not happy, history shows that he recovers within 1 week to normal self. i had been trained to be emotionally more mature to handle him, not a bad thing.

 

but this round i am very thrown off balance, because i worry it is make or break. is not about me provoking him, i start to think of the negative possibility that he changes mind. he won't communicate, i won't know. i was very affected last 4 days, now i had cooled down a lot. i told myself he will come back and this is what keeps me going now.

 

 

oh, he is not the type who would disappear if the baby cries or i am sick. he does this when i appear to be blaming him. he said if we are living together, he won't disappear, he will just pout a while by himself. i can handle this. i do this too myself. is only because we are not together ( yet) the problem escalates because he can disappear.

he said he was still crazy about me two weeks back, i don't think i am in denial to say it is not over....

[Sparkly Eyes]

Maybe he has met someone else on his trip? Is it possible that he has cheated? It's just so strange and abrupt what he is doing.

[tresqua]

I bet if you tell him you're not going to move in, and marriage is off, and you're not sure you want to continue the relationship because of his emotional unavailablity, irrational and erratic behavior, and the abusive silent treatment, he'll go to pieces and promise he will change, and beg you to rethink it. Then you'll say "ok, lets move in together and get married" and then he'll do it again.

[flower888]

Maybe he has met someone else on his trip? Is it possible that he has cheated? It's just so strange and abrupt what he is doing.

nope, not possible. he has been on trips frequently over the 5 years, he is not that type. he is (was) happy with the relationship.

[flower888]

I bet if you tell him you're not going to move in, and marriage is off, and you're not sure you want to continue the relationship because of his emotional unavailablity, irrational and erratic behavior, and the abusive silent treatment, he'll go to pieces and promise he will change, and beg you to rethink it. Then you'll say "ok, lets move in together and get married" and then he'll do it again.

 

i know what you mean. i had already told him i took his silence as a break up, meaning i had declared a break up on my side. you know, even if he agrees, it doesn't mean anything. record shows that he will always agree if i suggest a break up, is an ego response. after 1-2 weeks, he will start texting me he is so sad etc.

 

but i must be honest, i don't know what kind of love he has for me. maybe i am just a game, a challenge. if i am just a game, wouldn't 5 years be too long for him to play?

[tresqua]

nope, not possible. he has been on trips frequently over the 5 years, he is not that type. he is (was) happy with the relationship.

 

Most people that are cheated on say the very same thing. You NEVER know what another person is thinking or what they might be capable of.

[flower888]

i would still say no not possible. he never text or talk to anyone when we were together, and we were together all the time. he spent his savings buying a place and a car for us. he is tired from work, all he wants to do is watch movies with me after work everyday. five years, no suspicious activity. totally love me and looked very happy when he was with me. simply smiling all the time, and we had great sex frequestly, he was really happy.

[flower888]

i do wonder if this is as simple as what john gray said " men going into their caves".

 

i am glad i had read enough not to do all the desperate things during such times. i will not contact him again for sure.

 

i am not devastated now, maybe on the sweet denial mood. able to have a proper lunch just now. need to build back the strength, not very strong to start off with.

[Sweetkisses22]

My ex did the silent treatment thing to me all the time. It hurt so much and he's doing it to me now. Its emotional abuse. It screws with your head and that's why they do it. They like to feel like they're the ones who have the power.

[leaningpixie]

on occasions when he did this in the past, it would usually be over small daily matters and i phrased it such that i was blaming him. so i had learned that it was my "fault" , he could not take the slightest criticism. he never criticise me, so i had learned not to criticise him, and phrase the issue properly. it could also happy if he is unhappy over certain things, not common though. we discussed this several times, he told me to just let him be silent, if he speaks during such times it would be hurtful words, so he wants to avoid talking. however, silent hurt me too, so the dilemma was never resolved. i had to accept it, but this round i couldn't cope because it hurts too much. i didn't expect it because we didn't fight.

 

My personal opinion is that you are better off. It's never ok when a bf or a gf *entirely* blames it on another person, especially when then the other person ends up having to tiptoe around each and every "issue". Love, in my book, means that you can be yourself with the other person - in the sense that, while *thoughts* might be more or less appropriate according to their logic, feelings should always be respected.

 

There are two kinds of disrespectful people: the ones who yell at you because they felt angry and the ones who ignore you. Neither yelling nor ignoring is EVER acceptable. I did get to a point, in my last relationship, where I had to ignore Mr I'm-so-sensitive-I-get-all-so-hurt-but-I-don't-care-about-hurting-you if I wanted to avoid raging at his wimpy face. So after some years it can happen, but it should still be something occasional, not that you can't express ANY criticism "or else".

 

So try to understand what you want out of your life before even thinking of taking him back.

[flower888]

My ex did the silent treatment thing to me all the time. It hurt so much and he's doing it to me now. Its emotional abuse. It screws with your head and that's why they do it. They like to feel like they're the ones who have the power.

 

yep, i feel that it is emo abuse too.

[flower888]

thank you for your post, i know what you mean. i have been struggling to reach a decision as to what to do regarding this silent thing. i figure that we could often phrase criticism in a better way, not so finger pointing. the thing is, he never criticise me, how come i have to criticise him? what opinion do you have about the part he never criticise me? i figure a big reason is due to his nationality and culture. his nationality is such that they don't criticise people, really.

 

he reasoned to me before his silence is with good intention. he doesn't want to say the wrong things, or harsh things.

 

i am not saying the silence thing is right, if not i won't be feeling so sad now. i don't know how his brain works, it is forever a mystery to me. we talked about this before during good times, he said he would tell me when he needs space, and then i would have to back off. and this is what he is doing now.

 

i am thinking of moving on too, not that the ball is in my court anyway. and yes, i do wonder what is my next step if he ever comes back. is no point deciding now, i change every minute at this point of time. the one min i give up, one min i love him roller coaster.

 

i have a feeling he is not coming back. i do not know the reason, but i won't contact him again to ask anything. too proud to do that. probably he doesn't love me anymore, what can i say?

 

i found a good strategy to cope with when i feel like begging him. i beg God instead. it is safe to beg God, i don't loose my dignity. felt devastated this morning. i cried and begged ( to God) , i can't believe it i can be reduced to this state. i had never felt this way before.

[leaningpixie]

the thing is, he never criticise me, how come i have to criticise him? what opinion do you have about the part he never criticise me?

 

Frankly, people who never criticizes me feels fake to me. I mean, I sure am not perfect, so I surely make mistakes. If one doesn't criticize me either he doesn't seem them (worrisome!), or he sees them and he is ok with bottling up stuff or pretending it isn't there (worrisome too!).

 

I want a real relationship with a real person, and a real person - when s/he is uncomfortable about something - DOES offer criticism. Sure, it has to be constructive (something like "do this other thing instead") and without name calling... however honesty trumps niceness in my book.

 

Besides, if a honest person doesn't criticize me, I know for sure he doesn't think there is a reason for. If a "nice"/dishonest person doesn't criticize you, you are left there with paranoia, thinking "is he being honest or just bottling it up and giving me the silent treatment afterwards?".

 

Similarly, between been yelled at and the silent treatment I take yelling anytime, not because I like it or consider it acceptable but at least it allows me to know what's going on. Silence is an excellent strategy only when one is either indifferent to the alternative or s/he hasn't made up his mind yet. It is also an excellent thing to do when a person asks you to stop saying what you think.

 

The problem is, in this world, people ask you what you think but then expect you to only speak up when you agree and not when you disagree. Furthermore, the more your disagreement is factual or logical the more they resent you and your good logic.

 

So back to what I was saying, you need to really ask to yourself: "Do I really feel like being in a relationship where I need to either * * * * * foot around issues or pretend to be who I'm not?". It's an important question, IMHO.

 

By the way, praying has been a great tranquilizer to me in these days... together with laughing

[flower888]

i totally understand what you mean. i would take yelling over silent. but yelling has no place in his culture.

 

i could only conclude we are too different to be together.

[leaningpixie]

i totally understand what you mean. i would take yelling over silent. but yelling has no place in his culture.

 

i could only conclude we are too different to be together.

 

That's what I've come up with. I was with a guy whose only acceptable alternatives where: 1) the silent treatment 2) the backhanded compliments (stuff like "You are so intelligent I would expect you to agree with me" 3) the passive aggressive remarks (such as "I never do that!" -- hint, hint, neither should you) or 4) insults. Never ever was he able to clearly articulate his boundaries... stuff like "I do not like this specific behaviour of yours and would like it to stop". It was always a pity party, ending with an "You are so unreasonable in not giving it in to me".

 

At the same time, when I would yell out of not being heard (which would happen after 2+ hours of plain, factual, non-blaming conversation) he would blame me for having "anger issues". After two hours that I'm racking my brain trying to have you listen to me and get what I say you BET I have anger issues LOL

[flower888]

you know, i seriously feel that i should give him up. esp after reading what you wrote, i just feel that such a person is not a good life partner.

 

then, as usual, when i think along this path, i would tell myself but this is his only short coming. i think i love him enough to handle this. but this round, i feel that he is not worthy anymore.

 

i have a small tendency to yell in the past, i know i should take full responsibility for that but it is also triggered by the frustration he gave me. however, i had managed to entirely stop behaving this way due to his "training" and myown effort. everytime after i yelled i felt very low of myself, i really didn't mind kicking this tendency. i also did anger management course, being angry is really not necessary. venting out the anger is also not necessary, it is possible to dissolve it without venting out. i won't go into this, afterall it is a course and there are many books on this topic.

 

you can say i got trained by him, but i am really quite into a polite way of living. i am also into if saying the truth hurts the relationship, sometimes it is better not to say it out. i don't know, i am not an expert, mine is screwed up now. i am very confused, i need a lot of time to restructure. right now i am so down. i am almost at panic mode, i worry how i would react when i confirmed it is over.

[leaningpixie]

i am also into if saying the truth hurts the relationship, sometimes it is better not to say it out. i don't know, i am not an expert, mine is screwed up now. i am very confused, i need a lot of time to restructure. right now i am so down. i am almost at panic mode, i worry how i would react when i confirmed it is over.

 

I understand! You know how you would react? Part of you will be relieved! I know I was, despite the surprise. I was like "Oh great, now I can clean and nobody else will make a mess, I can do what I want and nobody will come and interrupt me, I can just breathe and I won't be talked over". Then, sure, I did miss him... his hugs, his smiles, his voice and his jokes. But I didn't miss having to "behave or else" and I also didn't miss all his "I love yous" said to the whole world and their dogs without really meaning it (I don't understand how people can say I love you to everybody and think they are - or sound - genuine while at that, but I digress).

 

You don't want to give up your future, friends and career for being sucked up and spitted out like I was, believe me. Now he is after his "beloved awakener" - who is nastier than he is - and whatever happens between those two nasty dorks I'm happy because I know that at least one is going to be displeased with that.

 

Be brave!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree. This is true not only in romantic relationships but also with other interactions with people, be it family or in the workplace. Some of the nastiest people I have met are the ones who are nice, nice to your face and then turn around and stab you in the back. Once you get stabbed, you start seeing how fake and phony their "nice" personna is.