Should i stick with it or tell him to leave

[nickir321]

Sorry, very long read i am afraid. I am lost, am unsure of my feelings and what i want. Here is my story, my partner and i have been together for 7 years, 2 and a half years ago we had a baby, i also have an older child from a previous relationship. My partner doted on my older daughter, took her everywhere, came on days out that i arranged and loved her un-conditionally, when our daughter was first born things remained the same but as she grew and you could interact with her better and better, slowly my older daghter was pushed out, replaced by our baby. Thats not all of it, my partner got made redundant from work and he decided that his weekend hobby was to be his career and started his own business. This is hard work i know and took alot of his time and i was happy for him, supported everything he did, supported him financially and carried on working and being mum. After a year of him working all the time, 7 days a week, gone before we got up, home for tea then on the computer dealing with that side of the business, i told him, we may be rich from your business but we may not have a relationship left, things were starting to fail, no time together, no family time, only time to eat then i would rush around tidying up, putting the kids to bed and come downstairs to find him asleep in the chair. This has continued on every since, we don't argue much cause i was in a very abusive relationship and get scared, but we have talked about it, talked about and both agreed to work on it, but nothing changes, he moans that we don't have a physical relationship anymore, but without the affection and attention it never leads onto anything phyical, i perform my duty when the oppertunity is there or it has been so long that i am desperate for him to smile at me, but even thats no good anymore, it never lasts more than 10 mins and i end up sexually frustrated while he floats around on cloud nine telling me how great it was for him, i have tried to encourage him to continue but he says once he is done thats it, the moment has passed. I tried to talk to him about it but he takes it so personally and i hate to hurt his feelings. 14 months ago he had plastic surgery on his damaged eye socket and got a massive confidence boost by the way he looked, he cheated on me, he planed it and i let him go out, suspecting what he was going to do without a word to him. I said i would forgive him but i can't forget, it whirls round and round in my head, this cheating caused me and him massive emotional trauma and he ended up with hives, an itchy rash that drives him crazy, now we have a little control on the hives and it only comes out on him once a week or so but it is a constant reminder for me, every time i see it, talk about or people ask me how is he doing with it, it reminds me, reminds me of the betrayal. The hives and stress from the business make him moody and his moods reflect on everyone in the house, if he is in a mood so is everyone else. I am still paying all of the household bills, and struggleing to do so, but he swans around buying modified cars, buying whatever he wants, whenever, promising to buy a new rabbit hutch, beds for the girls, but i end up buying all these things cause he never actually does. I feel like such a doormat, i let him treat me this way because maybe once every couple of months we share a moment, an hour or two that remind me what it used to be like, reminds me why i fell in love with him, then it passes and is back to normal. How long to i keep hoping things will change? People say relationships go through good and bad times and i have waited a long time, quietly, letting him get on with things his way, him living his life and me struggling to carry on living one myself. It makes me feel depressed, used and worthless. Any help appreciated. Thanks

[CatsMeeoow]

Well is this a marriage you wish to continue? Only you know the answer to that.

 

Is this a marriage he is willing to work for to keep? Only he knows the answer to that.

 

It appears to me that your needs are not being met... how long do you want to live like that if he is unwilling to change to meet those needs?

 

Have you suggested the two of you seek some marital counseling?

[nickir321]

Not really sure if i do want to continue, i wish it could but i can't go on like it is, i am losing myself, forgetting what i want, what i like. I really want what we had but is there a way back, we have been working at it since he cheated on me, but we are so distant as a couple, his business is his world, then his daughter then somewhere down the list comes me and my other daughter. It is shocking to me that when i go out i consider being with other people in the future, i never thought it before. I remember 18 months ago loving him so much, but we just get more and more distant. I typed up a letter but am scared to give it to him, scared that it will hurt him to hear how i feel. I don't know, i am so confused about what i want and what is best.

[CatsMeeoow]

Well rather than hand a long winded letter why not just state that your needs in this relationship are not being met... that you are struggling despite how much you love him and want to be in this marriage and would he consider seeking counselling... then you must do the next step and give him some space to figure out a reply... remember you've been thinking long and hard on this while he is skating through oblivious...

 

Good Luck

[nickir321]

Thanks, thats a good point