Fantasy of suicide becomes more vivid

[bluevacuum]

Typing this on my phone. Bare with me.

 

So I saw this psychiatrist a few times. I told him I was extremely depressed and he has me tested for ADHD. I come back with very good results on the tova testing. He tells me I don't have ADHD and he will forward me to a good psychologist.

 

I've been telling the psychologist about my fantasy of suicide. The lack of actualy support I have and how I just want a break from this pain. He wants me to take a cognitive approach which I think isn't suitable for me. I'm a smart guy, if I could have solved this on my own with cognitive recognition and restructuring, I would have done so already.

 

I'm pretty depressed right now. I do not experience any joy. I'm always trying to win others so they like me. I hate being alone. I'm very anti social. I don't like myself and I've been crying this whole weekend. I'm all too familiar with these feelings and I feel one day soon, I will act out my fantasy.

 

This isn't a some pain is only temporary, I've felt this way my whole life. I think at a biochemistry standpoint, I'm not normal and it doesn't help that I have very realistic outlooks on life but a very negative perception of reality. It literally makes me sick to my stomach at this thing other people have so normally, so casually and here I am. Struggling day by day, second by second.

 

I feel like throwing up just writing how sad I really am. Nothing is helping and I'm really afraid because I don't want to die but the pain won't go away and it seems like the quickest fix.

 

Please don't bring up my family or friends. Ive brought up my issues with them and they don't seem to care or understand. I feel so alone and worthless. It's better that I just disappear and never experience this shame, pain or regret again.

[wilyone 11]

I feel your pain. When I was an undergrad (I'm 41 now), I really wanted to kill myself to escape from the self-hatred. I started taking anti-depressants which helped (maybe it was just the placebo effect) and told myself that I would at least wait until I was 30 and then revisit the thoughts of suicide. Somehow the depression was easier to take knowing that I was giving myself the option to bail out at 30.

 

But then I started reading a lot of spiritual, new-age type books and realized that suicide is NEVER the answer in a situation like yours. If you think you feel shame, pain and regret now, you will experience even more of it when you do the deed and realize that your soul never "dies" and you will have to face all of your soulmate companions and guides as a failure because you threw away your life. Suicide is a cop out. Life is hard, no question. You're here to learn many lessons and you chose your circumstances before you were born. If you kill yourself, you will be sent back to Earth almost immediately in a new body until you learn the lessons.

 

Negative thoughts are extremely toxic to your mind, body and well-being. Give the cognitive approach a chance. Also, have you tried exercise? Nothing makes me feel more optimistic and positive as a really challenging workout.

 

You ARE a worthy person just as you are. You don't need to change yourself, you only need to love yourself. I wish you the best.

[nutbrownhare]

I took three overdoses between the ages of 16 and 20, self harmed, had an eating disorder; like you, I was very intelligent academically - but this doesn't necessarily mean that you are able to cope emotionally. I, too, know that feeling of hating being alone, but still feeling estranged when with others; a terrible double bind which means you cannot feel at peace no matter what you do. There were times when I felt 'overwhelmed by monsters' when on my own for any length of time.

 

The good news is - that is all ancient history. When you say:

He wants me to take a cognitive approach which I think isn't suitable for me. I'm a smart guy, if I could have solved this on my own with cognitive recognition and restructuring, I would have done so already.

 

... is your psychiatrist suggesting that you have CBT? With a therapist? If that's the case then you won't be doing this on your own. If it were that simple, you'd already have done it - sure. However, when issues are more deep-rooted, trying to deal with them on your own is like trying to lift yourself off the ground by pulling up your own shoelaces. It isn't going to happen. We get caught in our own negative cycles which are inevitably self-perpetuating. This isn't to say that they aren't valid, and they are probably entirely logical. However, in therapy, it is possible to explore positive cycles which are also self-perpetuating, entirely valid and logical - and will enable you to flourish in ways which seem unimaginable at the moment.

 

In therapy, it IS you that does the work, ultimately. But just as some simple jobs are very much easier when there's a spare pair of hands, the opportunity to stand back, be listened to and validated - is enormously healing even before you've started on that.

 

You're a smart guy, smart enough to know that you need to explore options and alternatives before coming to a conclusion. And given your current state of mind - seeing a psychologist can't really be any worse, can it? At least give yourself this opportunity.

 

It's certainly what saved my young life.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

hey Blue, thanks for posting. I think you may have helped others to see they arent alone with their feelings just as you arent.

 

Sometimes when things are going badly and we cant see why or even see a way out or how to change things, its only natural to feel low. I understand when you say if you died you feel like you may get some relief. It's true you would, but you would never get to experience the joy of when things improve and get better!

 

When you say you try to win people over and get them to like you, I wouldnt keep doing that. It doesnt work. People always spot when your trying too hard and for some reason its not attractive and people shy away from it. Im not sure why though.

 

Why dont you just start doing a few things that you can on your own? I dont mean bars I mean like walking round the shops or going to the library or the museum or art gallery and just seeing new things. Read a book on a subject you like. Wake up your mind. Take a walk and look at people gardens. This might all sound like silly trivial stuff, but it works to open yourself to new experiences and you may just meet people and get talking along the way. It takes time to make a genuine friend, but I find the best friends are ones who like you for you.

 

When you stop trying, but have interesting things to say one day someone will say hey how about a coffee? I always wait for people to ask me (male or female) that way I know they actually do want to rather than impose myself, (except with my friends then its a 50/50 thing) but any new potential friends I always leave them to ask first.

 

Just be interesting and interested in life and open to new things and be positive and your mindset will change. FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!

 

LOTS of good wishes,

 

Hope

[bluevacuum]

Ive been seeing the psychologist for a month now. Before him an MFT for 3 years and it seems like I get lonelier and more depressed. The cycle perpetuates itself and grows stronger. I'm not seeking to build a case to prove my feelings to be true but that's how I feel at the moment. The psychologist has me talk about what's on my mind and practice CBT techniques but it doesn't help at the capacity I need. At a superficial surface level, it helps but deep down I know I'm covering a gaping hole in my heart with a bandaid. I keep doing it over and over. It's pretty hopeless and mundane at this point.

 

I hate being this way and although I have a good and stable life, my emotions aren't.