Ladies - What could be going on here?

[Lucidity]

I've been dating a wonderful lady for the past 2 months or so and this past saturday night we did dinner and a movie at her place.(it was her idea) During the movie she slid over and took my hand in hers and put her head on my shoulder and we started talking about our past relationships. During the course of this discussion she revealed that she normally doesnt have men over to her place so soon in a relationship, but she said she felt very comfortable around me. After a few more minutes she started telling me that she felt that she had made mistakes in prior relationships by getting intimate too quickly and didnt want to make the same mistake again. I told her that I was in no rush and related that jumping in too quickly had also cost me some good relationships as well. We both chuckled at this and she made the comment that it was late and that she needed to get some sleep as she had a full schedule the next day. I asked if she was comfortable with coming over to my place for a dinner/movie night one day this coming week and she said that she would have to think about it. The night ended with a nice hug and I told her I would call her sometime the next day. Before I could call her she sent me a text message that next morning which said that she didnt think that coming over to my place was such a good idea because she actually had strong feelings for me and didnt want to mess this relationship up. As I read this I thought to myself that I should put the ball in her court and let her set the boundaries with this so as to put her at ease, so I texted her back and told her that we could do whatever made her feel the most comfortable. She sent me a smiley face text back and about 4pm she called and asked if I wanted to do another movie night at her place this coming wednesday. I was a bit surprised, and I guess the surprise came thru in my voice and she asked if anything was wrong. I told her that I was just a bit confused and joked that my couch was just as comfortable as hers. She laughed at this and I told her that I was kidding and that I understood and respected her boundaries with this. So, this coming wednesday we have another dinner/movie date at her place.

 

Ok, so maybe I lied a bit about the understanding part...lol. I DO respect her setting the boundaries with the knowledge that she doesnt want to move into the intimacy area right away, but I'm having a difficult time making sense of what difference there is between my place or hers.

 

Is it something as simple as the relative safety of her own home? Or has she possibly been conditioned to believe that going to the guys place is a bit more commital?

 

Ladies?

[flaminghair81]

I'd say its more of a safety/comfort thing on her part. You are always more comfortable at your own home than someone else's home. Also, she has more control in that situation. If she's at your place, she might feel that she'd be obligated to stay when she feels its time for her to go when she can easily ask you to leave when you are at her place.

[Silverbirch]

Yes, I agree with the above posting. Your post actually felt nostalgic because a very similar scenario took place with my ex when we first knew each other, and we were together for 4 years. Definitely not being physically intimate by choice in the beginning played a part in us having had a very good physical relationship for a long time.

 

Of course, I did end up going to his place eventually after we had been together and we would watch movies sitting by his fireplace afterwards. I do believe though that my old place had the best memories (and so does he) as we had much more privacy there (as he had family about much more often at his place).

[cleanheart]

i agree with the above posts...seems the lady really do love you and enjoys your company as well.i too become more comfortable with my boyfriend when am at my place.she seems afraid of messing up everything thats why she wamts to be in control and comfortable.

[Stay_home]

Control, that's all it is.

[MyNinja]

I agree with the others. she just feels she has more control over the situation if you're at her place. She must think that if she's at your place that she will feel obligated to do something you have no intentions on doing. I'm sure it stems from her previous relationships. It kind of sucks because it's like she's silently accusing you of doing something that hasn't taken place.

 

Maybe you can suggest meeting at a neutral spot so their won't be any confusion about meeting at home.

[Lucidity]

I agree with the others. she just feels she has more control over the situation if you're at her place. She must think that if she's at your place that she will feel obligated to do something you have no intentions on doing. I'm sure it stems from her previous relationships. It kind of sucks because it's like she's silently accusing you of doing something that hasn't taken place.

 

Maybe you can suggest meeting at a neutral spot so their won't be any confusion about meeting at home.

 

To be honest, the reason this even invaded my thought process enough to warrant this post is due to the fact that she told me that she felt comfortable around me. Which I interpreted as she felt safe and secure being with me, so my mind told me that I should invite her over to my place; seeing as she hasnt even seen my home yet. So yeah, her telling me that she felt comfortable around me, and then telling me that she didnt think that coming to my place was a good idea, because she has strong feelings for me and didnt want to mess this relationship up. It's almost as if she interpreted my invitation as a means to get her in the sack, which wasnt even a consideration on my part. I do know that she is around 5 months out of her last relationship, so I dont think it has anything to do with a fear of doing something foolish on the rebound. All I can do at this point is take her at her word that she felt like she moved too quickly in prior relationships and allow her to set the most comfortable boundaries for herself.

[GrowingIn]

Control, that's all it is.

 

Yep.

 

Beware of the purring cat. She will scratch the deepest. Meeeaaaaoow. Most healthy women will tell you healthy relationships are not about control.....unless the woman is in charge(and as she's telling you this, she probably already knows she is ).

 

If she feels safe around you, and trusts you enough to bring you into her home, it should not matter where you go. Your place, her place, a hotel, doesn't matter. I feel you are already being trained. She's in the timid/cautious good girl mode. I have now learned to be MOST ALERT when a woman acts like this.

 

Good luck. Go along if you want to get laid(which is basically what this is going to eventually be about...you getting laid on her terms). But at some point, and the sooner the better, you should assert yourself.

 

You have been warned!

[Lucidity]

Yep.

 

Beware of the purring cat. She will scratch the deepest. Meeeaaaaoow. Most healthy women will tell you healthy relationships are not about control.....unless the woman is in charge(and as she's telling you this, she probably already knows she is ).

 

If she feels safe around you, and trusts you enough to bring you into her home, it should not matter where you go. Your place, her place, a hotel, doesn't matter. I feel you are already being trained. She's in the timid/cautious good girl mode. I have now learned to be MOST ALERT when a woman acts like this.

 

Good luck. Go along if you want to get laid(which is basically what this is going to eventually be about...you getting laid on her terms). But at some point, and the sooner the better, you should assert yourself.

 

You have been warned!

 

Is this a real reply, or a troll? Honestly, I find it hard to believe that people would look at my situation from such a position. My OP had nothing to do with "getting laid" and was an honest attempt at finding out what she might be thinking in regards to not wanting to come to my place.

 

I surely hope I dont ever find myself looking at women with such preconceived notions as this.

[GrowingIn]

Is this a real reply, or a troll? Honestly, I find it hard to believe that people would look at my situation from such a position. My OP had nothing to do with "getting laid" and was an honest attempt at finding out what she might be thinking in regards to not wanting to come to my place.

 

I surely hope I dont ever find myself looking at women with such preconceived notions as this.

 

Not a troll. I may have sounded abrasive(would you prefer making love?), but again, this IS about control as plenty of others have said. And if we're going to pretend one of the main reasons a man and a woman gets together isn't sex, making love, intimacy, whatever you want to call it, then just pretend you didn't read my post. I am telling you where I believe this is going. When you strip everything down to the bare bones, you both want intimacy. She knows this. You know this(well it seems you could be denying it even to yourself...another reason why she's in control). And it's most likely going to happen on her terms. You can dress up this very natural thing with as much refinement, culture, logic, thinking and behavior as you want, but deep down it all stems from this and everything else is the ceremony that leads up to it. Nobody can tell you what she is really thinking. But plenty of people can tell you the majority of relationships are about control and from what you are saying, she's in it right now.

 

I promise you she doesn't believe you don't want intimacy from her especially if she's a grown woman, which by your age I'd like to assume she is. She has plenty of life experience and she's well aware of "how all men are, think and want" by now. You may not have a preconceived notion, but she likely does. It's been ingrained in her since puberty. In fact that may be your problem. If you are acting so much like you don't want that, she's probably thinking you aren't honest and doesn't trust you.

 

Again, my advice is to assert yourself.

[Lucidity]

One other person mentioned it was about control, and you agreed. How is that "plenty of others"? Why you insist that this all boils down to sex goes beyond logic, and whether or not she is the one who initiates it, or if it's myself, has nothing to do with my "assertiveness", or lack thereof at this point, because I would hope that the essence of my post indicated a certain level of respect that we have for each other in that regard, so I'm not denying anything. I'm not naive enough to say that sex isnt going to be in the picture at a point in the future, but I can say with certainty that it wasnt the concern I had in mind when I decided to ask the question that I did.

 

I asked a simple question about why she didnt want to come over to my place and somehow you spin it into some kind of control issue on her part as if she's some kind of animal(a cat?) stalking and waiting to do whatever it is you believe she is going to do...??

 

 

 

Where what is going? And just what exactly is there in my OP that makes you believe whatever it is that you believe? We've only been seeing each other for a little over two months now, and I fail to see what information in my OP indicates that she has some kind of wish to control and/or dominate our relationship, and you base this on nothing more than she doesnt feel at ease enough to come to my place just yet? Isnt that a bit of a stretch?

[GrowingIn]

I'm not going to argue with you. You can take my advice or leave it. I'm not basing my advice on just your situation, but like you said, preconceived notions: most relationships are about control. When you apply your situation to that, you can easily see which side of the fence it falls on. I have been in these situations and have argued with MY guy friends like you are with me because I too felt insulted when I was in this situation because I really liked the woman. But it was also more about me not wanting to be "that guy". Five people have told you this before I even had a chance to respond. One guy, three women who used the terms "safety and comfort" and even one woman who was honest enough to pin-point it by what it is:

 

 

 

(mo'Nique, I salute you. Most women would never admit to this, call it for what it is and especially tell a guy to look at it like a red flag.)

 

This stuff is innate to some women. Most will never admit to it, or even to themselves or call it by what it is. At least not directly. With my ex I knew I lost the battle when she stated: "What would you ever do without me?" with an affectionate smile, glittery eyes, and when we were very happy together about 2 months into the relationship. But while I'm thinking she's just being caring, loving and sweet, which she was, this is also the moment where she was well aware where things stood. Something tells me though it happened long before this moment(like in the first 2 days maybe) which is why I'm trying to warn you. I woke up too late! And I do call it for what it is. Hey it doesn't have to be a bad thing if you are cool with it and it doesn't bother you, but it seems it already does. My father was the same way and it finally worked for him when he stopped trying to be something he's not. Personally I'm still young or stupid enough to think I can be in charge with these type of women so I'm still swinging my sword because I haven't given up on fulfilling that role. And also because I haven't yet found one smart enough to respect me and fool me to where I'm unaware of it so I don't act in such a way that pushes them away.

 

But if I ever do, I'll probably be right there with you taking up for her in front of any other guy that tries to tell me "she has you by the balls man" going: "Have some freaking respect man. Not all women are like that, and certainly not mine!". At which point they will shut up and leave me alone. As I will now.

[Lucidity]

I dont consider this an argument, but an honest effort on my part to understand a simple situation that occurred, as best as I can. It just seems that you are interpreting the term "control over the situation" as meaning "control over the person", almost as if you are operating under some machiavellian pretense based on your own stated inability to assert yourself. I appreciate your position, but I respectfully have to disagree with your premise about her motives. She was open and honest enough with me to state that she didnt want to make the same mistakes that she had made in the past, by getting physically intimate too soon in our relationship. If, as Mo'Nique put it, this allows her to feel like she has more control of her situation and keeps her in some sort of personal "safe space", then who am I to deny her that at this early stage in the relationship?

 

Even if she is the one who ends up initiatating intimacy, my manhood is not going to be threatened by that. You seem to indicate that this "control" will somehow bleed over into other aspects of our relationship, and that she will wind up "having me by the balls". I appreciate your position and I empathize with you, but I would NEVER want to go into any relationship with the kind of tainted and suspicious mindset that you do....ever.

 

Maybe someone else can chime in and say, but I think your outlook is wrong in this case.

 

Respect and peace to you.

[greywolf]

She probably just feels less vulnerable at her own place.

[GrowingIn]

Well then what exactly do you want to hear? Honestly it seems like you don't want to hear the truth: "She feels more comfortable and safe at her place". That's what's going on.

 

But you asked for meaning though, didn't you? I gave you my opinion on what I think it means, but you don't like it. Once again:

 

She placed your arm around her shoulder. She made the first move.

She told you she wants to take it slow because of her past relationship. She decides how fast you two are going to move.(aka she decides when to sleep with you)

You told her: "we'll do whatever makes you feel most comfortable". You told her she can decide, and you will follow.

 

Are you going to be surprised, after all that, when she doesn't want to do what you want to do? The reason I said what I said is so it doesn't spill over into other aspects of your relationship. And yes she probably is afraid of commitment, at least to you anyway, but this is also about sex, power, and who is in charge(your place = sex). She's been conditioned to know that. Guy is in control in his own place. When women are out of control they are more vulnerable.....guy can take sex much easier. It's really THAT simple.

 

One more time:

 

This is always "woman speak" for sex, and more exactly, having sex too soon. When you simply said ok to going to her place, you re-confirmed to her, your place = sex.

 

And here's why. Typically women maintain control until they have sex with you in their relationship. You would be willing to let this game go on until you have sex. Then, you are going to want some things on your terms too. She's not going to like that flip very much and on top of that you could also leave and make her feel rejected. She's trying to figure out what kind of man you are before she has sex with you. To most human beings that are not promiscuous, especially to women, sex IS commitment and it creates an emotional bond.

 

I know, I'm despicable. But you will see. She doesn't want to come over, because you will be in control, sex could take place, and boom: someone is going to feel committed and after that point one or both people can get hurt. She may care about not hurting you, but she probably cares more about her not being hurt first. The reason that it is important to take control though, is because you are letting her dictate the terms of how sex is eventually going to take place, which typically does carry over into the relationship("he does what I want for sex"...."you only want me for sex").

 

Oh and I should say one more thing: It's also very likely, and this is the scary part, that she feels she isn't capable of that emotional bond yet that needs to take place during sex, and you are! You said she was in a bad relationship prior to this, right? In which case this could be more bad news for you. I know you said she told you she has strong feelings for you, but do watch out for this as well as.

 

PS: I'm not wrong. And if you really do like her and have strong feelings for her then you really should flip this around asap. Go to her place and if you get to the point where sex appears to be on, be strong enough to stop, and go home. Then you invite on more dates, and eventually at your place, or a nice hotel, set up a real nice atmosphere and you have sex there! You will 100% surprise her and you will have set up the first pillar of mutual respect: This would show, "I'm not going to follow you around for sex, and I respect you and myself more than that. I want you to respect my desires for what they are and have sex with me because you want to have sex with. You can trust me.." You want sex or you want her heart and sex? If all you want is sex, you can just continue to go with the flow and do what she says and she may or may not give it to you when she is ready. But she won't respect you!

[Lucidity]

It's obvious you see things as you want to see them due to your insistance on mis-stating facts in your replies as they pertain to what I said in my OP. She held my hand and she put her head on my shoulder and we talked for a few hours about a host of things. How is holding hands and putting her head on my shoulder tantamount to having sex? How old are you BTW?

 

At any rate, I realize that she does like me to the extent that she doesnt want sex to complicate things too early in the relationship, and seeing as she is not comfortable with coming over to my place right away I am not going to "force" the issue. It's called respect. Period. I'm more than capable of initiating intimacy any time I see fit, but now that I know where she stands and how she feels, I'm going to honor her wishes. It also doesnt mean that I'm not going to invite her over to my place again, I'm just not going to do it "right now". I may in a couple of weeks, but that is going to be determined AFTER we have had a chance to do some more communicating.

 

Even if she ends up being the type of woman that you seem to think that she is, then at least I can be in a position of having done the right thing. It isnt only about sex, and you need to realize that. Read your replies(to me) back to yourself in a few years and you will see what I am talking about. You are trying to distill the whole relationship process down into a neat package where the male remains in control because you think women talk in double-speak, where they say one thing but mean another. I give women way more credit than that, and I allow them to maintain their autonomy and self respect by not using manipulative methods to prevent them from having the control they need to feel comfortable in a relationship. What builds the pillars of mutual respect is this: Trust.

 

Not Sex or any type of manipulative assertiveness.

 

If any women out there are reading this and can honestly tell me that I am wrong, please speak up and give me your reasons why. Otherwise I'll continue to do what I consider to be the right thing to do.

 

And BTW: Our date at her place last night went wonderfully. We kissed a few times and made plans to take a motorcycle ride up into the mountains this weekend.

[GrowingIn]

Not to many women are going to tell you you're wrong. Which is why you are requesting advice from women, Mr Gentleman. And nowhere did I say relationships were about sex. I said coming to your place was about sex to her and I'm glad you're finally at least on board with that. I understand you don't like my cut and dry view of the situation, but I'm glad we are at least on the same page there finally. And once again, I never said it's all about sex. I did say, like all the others, it is about CONTROL. Sex is just one aspect of the whole game but it usually does play an important role.

 

PS: Yes it is about respect and trust. Which also goes for yourself and from her to you. So if she respects you and trusts you as you do her, why does she automatically think you're inviting her to your place to have sex? Cause in essence, that's what's happening. I may be young, but you are STUBBORN! Good luck to you.

[PetiteGirl]

Hey Lucidity,

 

I was that girl that got hurt from her previous relationship due to similar reasons. Due to past semi-traumatic experience, I used to think going to a guy's place created this obligation that sex will be involved. After all, going to someone's home for a date is an intimate act by itself in my opinion. I was really cautious and took my time with my current boyfriend, and that worked out great. It seems like you guys are communicating pretty well. I think she means what she says. As a general concept, it's better to take it slow than to take it too fast and complicate the whole thing especially if you're serious about the person. It's like taking time to know each other before moving in together or getting married - same concept, except this is an early stage of a relationship where you two go by your comfort zones. She definitely likes you and wants to spend time with you. Just relax and enjoy each others company. Eventually she will be comfortable enough to go to your place. You are also free to ignore the control-theory sex freak (it's not cool to shove personal beliefs and bias down to other people's throat anyway. It seems he's rather desperate to convert you lol). There's no need to complicate a good thing. Good luck!

[Tresha]

Its about power and control. I am not saying she is consciously trying to control you and hold all the power. I am not saying she has any ill intentions at all. In fact, it sounds like she has good intentions. I suspect she felt powerless or trapped in her last relationship and is trying to take healthier steps at the start of this one. Her place really probably just *feels* better ... safer ... more comfortable. I'm saying the reason for that is power and control. She has more power and control there. She is getting her needs met, to ensure that she does not give up her power to the wrong man or too soon. That is a good thing on her part.

 

How do you feel about power and control in relationships? Does it matter to you at all? Are you generally a nurturer, accommodating, willing (legitimately and without resentment) to compromise often or unequally? Will you be happy in the relationship if she holds more (or all of the) power or control? If you've got no problems with that, then this could be a fine path.

 

If not, you may want to talk to her. My own personal approach would be mild, non-threatening, more an observation or curiosity type statement about how a relationship might progress when it is so uneven during its foundation. Maybe express concerns that once she does feel safe and trust you, how difficult will it be for her to give up some of that power/control to a more even level? Will it be difficult for her to establish a relationship one way, then live it another? No one here has to win or lose. You two can talk, and if she doesn't want all the authority at all and just wanted to start this relationship solidly, it should be easy to work out. She chooses the place one time (say, her place) then you choose the place the next time (say, her place). The difference is that, although you did exactly what she wants, you: 1) communicated that you see a *potential* power issue that would not work for you long term so you would like for both of you to keep it in mind or monitor it, 2) you retained your own power, 3) you did it in a way that SHOWS her that, although you are not willing to give up your power/control indefinitely, you are willing to be more accommodating as she gains her security in this relationship (i.e., you are reasonable and understanding of her current state).

 

Just two cents from someone living in a power exchange/authority transfer relationship. Not everyone seizing power wants power. I think this one just wants to be safe ... but she's doing it by getting you to give up your power (unconsciously probably). If you are not communicating thoroughly and clearly, it is going to be very hard to change the dynamics later. How would you get your power back without basically turning the tables on her?

[GrowingIn]

How would you get your power back without basically turning the tables on her?

 

Exactly Tresha. I agree 100% with everything you wrote. And that's exactly what's going to happen at which point she becomes victim...he becomes controlling/abuser. Be assertive from the start and this will never happen.

 

If she's not ready to trust enough to respect assertiveness, she's not ready to be in a good relationship! If you're not ready enough to be assertive and take the lead, then either plan on staying under her control or don't be surprised when she hits you with: I trusted you and you are not the man I first met! You've changed! Did you only want me for sex? Etc, etc, etc. DRAMA!

[Tresha]

Yes. If a relationship is established with one person in authority, that is the relationship. When you try to get your 50% back, you will be taking something from her. Frankly, even if you are open and communicate honestly from the very beginning and every step along the way, when you take your power back, she still loses something and she will feel it ... feel the loss. It's not conscious, its pretty primal. We are pack animals, though, we respond that way, some of us more than others. Not saying it can't work, just that it is going to be a lot of work and a lot of honest communication.

 

Or, you could be like me and not give a crap about personal power or authority and be fine with her making those decisions. If you go this route, do some research and learn how to not lose yourself in the process. There's a big difference between being the one without the authority and being powerless. There's a difference between a submissive person and a doormat. There a difference between a mild-mannered person and a person living inside themselves.

[GrowingIn]

Yep. Which is exactly why I stated he messed up when he just said "OK". In my opinion in a situation like this, you should immediately address the issue that she thinks your place = sex and find out who exactly is it she can't trust....YOU or HERSELF?

 

I'm sure you still don't care about my advice, but just in case you change your mind, I'm going to give you an example of how I would have handled it and let everyone be the judge if this is wrong: men or women. It's one thing to hear advice, it's another to actually understand it and learn by example(Some guys just don't know or forgot how to do this). Now, I have my own way, kind of a smart ass but it works for my personality assuming she has a sense of humor. And if she doesn't I wouldn't want a serious relationship with her anyway:

 

"And I thought I was so handsome and attractive you can't keep your hands off me, but it sounds like it's just my couch that really gets you! Mind if I bring it over?"

Depending on my tone and how well I pulled it off(confidence, smile) one of three things will likely happen:

1)She would laugh, and go along with the joke and say "suuure!" which is what I hope for.

2)She could also say "no" and come back with a joke of her own.

3)She could go "What is that supposed to mean?" at which point you could address it directly and in a serious manner(not ideal cause you wouldn't want to be confrontational head on).

 

Either way I would follow it up with another joke and say:

"Yeah, you know, maybe even cut out a piece of leather and put it in my shirt pocket. Wasted all this money on cologne when all I had to do is buy leather." *Hii Hii ha ha* She may even call me a silly name or something.

 

Point is, I relieved the pressure so now she's receptive(not defensive). And then I would say:

"No, really. I don't want to move too fast either, and I like to feel safe and comfortable myself and also wanna make sure you feel comfortable at my place and no matter where you are with me. I'd like for you to see my place too, so Thursday stop by(or I'm gonna pick you up) around 6pm. I have something I wanna show you." Or I have a surprise for you. Or whatever("I need you to vacuum the carpet ").

 

And then I shut up. If she actually likes you and respects you that usually does it, and if she just goes "I don't know" or "I'm not sure.", I'd say:

"If you don't feel comfortable once we get there we can always come back to your place and we'll leave my couch at home."

 

Usually that should freaking do it. She may not come out and just say "yes" but she should at least laugh. And if she laughs I take that as a yes, and I'd just say:

"Great, pick you up at 6:15pm".

 

And then that's it. I'd go back to talking about whatever or get off the phone. If she's quick enough on her feet she might mention: "I thought you said 6pm." And I would throw in another joke: "I know better"(reason I do this is not just because I have some preconceived notion women are always late....*ahem*.....it is actually because people respect time more when you use 15 minute intervals).

 

Now I could have played that out a million different ways but typically if a woman is into me, and really likes me, and I have already been at her place, no way would she refuse me after behaving like that. I kept things fun, I made her laugh, I wasn't pushy and I expressed my concerns and wishes in a non-confrontational way. The worst that would happen would be she goes: "Tell you what, let's have one more date at my place then we'll go to yours"(this means she wants to see more of your assertive side, and you got a fighter on your hands who still isn't willing to give up control, BUT at least she's admitting it to you head on ......aka no more victim). If she still says "NO" and that's all....you JUST got rejected and have a control freak on your hands or a woman who isn't serious about you: in other words your only option now is to go "please" and beg or go along. Both very, very unmanly things and would set a horrible precedent for me in a relationship. Personally, I would turn down her next invitation, cut my losses and move on unless she at some point reconsiders and actually comes at me with an apology for not trusting me. It's either that or play by her rules from here on out and she will decide when and if she'll ever play by yours.

 

The point is, you set it up, you diffuse the situation, then you address your concern and take the lead. You, oth, were just passive. You said "my couch is just as comfortable as yours", she laughed(but she actually felt pressure) and when you didn't address it, she just ignored your concern. And you said "Ok". So you put pressure on her and then you complied to her wishes to relieve the pressure and avoid conflict(again passive). You not only just taught her your place does equal sex and is NOT safe, and agree with her view of things, AND pressured her, but also that your concerns are not only important enough to you and you also don't think they should be important enough for her to consider. Which is bad. And when you are going to wake up and realize you need her to respect your concerns too, like Tresha said, you have a control struggle on your hands.

 

 

Being passive and following = lots of very bad things for you.

Being assertive = getting what you want too, in this case what's fair, fun, trusting and respectful.

 

PS: Now you go back to how I just acted and ask anyone in here if at any point I acted like a sex freak, or controlling, or if I'm just being fun and assertive! Anything wrong with what I am doing? That's all I'm trying to tell you. Lead, don't follow! And most women will not be able to tell you all that because if you are doing it right, they don't know it's happening. They just fall in love: "It's like he has a grab on me. He just sucks me in like a magnet. I can't help myself. It's electric. I can't say no to him. He's funny, and charming, and so confident....makes me feel so courageous. I feel so safe with him " and bla bla bla. How many times have you heard this? Know what I mean? And no it's not magic. All it is, is a man that's caught her eye being assertive. Have you forgot all this or did you never learn it? It's never too late you know.

[greywolf]

I disagree with you growingin. If a guy was pushy about something that I was uncomfortable with, that would be the end of that. Relationships are not about power struggles.

[Lucidity]

I disagree with you growingin. If a guy was pushy about something that I was uncomfortable with, that would be the end of that. Relationships are not about power struggles.

 

I support the zeal and honesty in which he so boldly proclaims his position on this, but I also respectfully disagree with his beliefs.

 

I believe that part of the relationship building process entails getting to know one another, and during this stage you find out if you are on common ground with the person in terms of likes, dislikes, commonalities and overall compatibility. If these things exist, then the relationship moves further. If not, then one or the other will usually end the relationship.

 

I dont subscribe to his belief that one must "exercize" control, or be "assertive" out of a fear that one or the other party will lose or gain this supposed "control". I believe that assertiveness and control exists within the individual prior to meeting, and as such, it's what gives a person those innate qualities that someone else might find attractive enough to warrant approaching. I find it odd that someone could operate from the position that "exercizing control" or willfully asserting(imposing) themselves on another is a healthy approach to building a relationship. Sure, I think that a balance of power does exist in a relationship, but that balance of power is something that occurs naturally and without an agenda, and is built on trust and respect. I couldnt operate from a position where I felt like I had to "keep track" of who picks what to do, or where to go.

 

It just sounds like another level of Micromanagement™ to me, and would zap the relationship of energy best spent elsewhere.