Am I betraying my family?

[Voguester]

I really like a guy who lives in another country and it's killing my mom.

 

When I came back home recently, she found out about this guy and I and hasn't treated me the same since, I guess she doesn't look at me as being all sweet and innocent anymore, we were pretty close and I guess she always assumed I would never want to leave home.

 

I've told her my plans about moving to this country and she's not taking it very well saying that It's sad I would so easily forget about my family and run off to be with this guy who she assumes is a creep...however she hasn't even met him! says he's taking advantage of me and im too good for that etc but it's not true at all, he's actually really nice and sweet.

 

I sometimes feel really guilty because I don't want to give up my family, we're pretty awesome together but at the same time I really want to live my own life and have a relationship. Yes he lives in another country but I'd only be giving it a try and moving there for a year, mainly for a change of scenery and an adventure! i love to travel, it's become a new passion of mine.

 

I'm stuck as to what to do. Should I stay with my family because family is worth more right? but then I would miss out on possible happiness with this guy who I love and know i want to be with.

 

What would you do?

[He2Him]

Your mom needs to grow up. Your life is not hers and does not fall under her decisions.

 

She found her guy in her life, you go and find your guy in your life. And if she isn't happy with what she found then it's her problem not yours. Also, you're not betraying anyone. It's not like you have to stick with your family for the rest of life and what you are describing here is your mother emotionally tyrannize you.

 

If you wanna go right and your mom wants to go left and you hear something like ''If you have loved me, you would go left'' then it's telling you she likes to manipulate others and have control. But it's your life, you should control it.

[Silverbirch]

I have a friend who was in a similar situation. The mother was terrified at the thought that her daughter would move away and that she would not get to see so much of her. I'm a Mum. My son has been overseas and talks about living in other countries. I would miss him terribly. I guess I've probably had more time and experiences though to separate from my son and accept he is making his own way in the world, and let him know I am always here for him. Yes, the hardest part of being a parent is letting your sons and daughters go.

[CatsMeeoow]

Its not just about letting go... its also about trust.

 

In her mind what happens if you move to this other country to be with this guy and things go south or worse yet he makes you miserable? How is she to help you being in another country?

 

I think the best reassurance for you mom is to have your guy make an honest effort to come and meet your family. You said yourself you're a pretty awesome family! So why wouldn't he want to be a part of that and if he really wanted to be with you he would want your parents support. Having this guy putting your family up as high as you do will do a lot to increase your mother's trust.

 

And, don't belittle your mom's concerns too much - she just wants the best for you (as all moms do!). I can't tell you the number of guys who broke my heart along the way in life and yet every time there was my dad with a box of chocolate donuts... the best gift any girl going through a break up can have. It's normal for you to rebel and live your own life so to speak at your age... that emotion is what gets you out of the nest... just remember though as you spread your wings to fly that you'll probably hit some bumps and need a band aid or two...

 

Good Luck!

[OptomisticGirl]

My mom wasn't too thrilled when I told her I Would be moving to England but what made the transition for her to accept it easier was a) she knew I always wanted to live there b) even if he moved here, we wouldn't be living in this area, we would be living five hours away and c) we won't struggle near as much there as we would here - and at the end of the day, parens always want their kids to have a better life than they did. IF she has to give up seeing me every day or every few weeks for me to be able to eventually be a SAHM, while she's going to miss me, she knows it's for the best.

[abitbroken]

Moving to another country or considering it with a guy you have met in person once, if that is the case, IS something mothers have reason to worry about. She may be worried that the relationship is one-sided. Have you brought this man to your town to meet your parents and friends and go on a proper date? In most cases if someone is serious about someone and has nothing to hide, you do want them to come see what your life is like and there is no rush or emergency. Also, your mom could be worried that you wouldn't have a lot of rights in another country initially or she would be worried that you wouldn't find a job. I would say it would behoove you to take a little time and let this young man reciprocate and come see you. The deal also is that she might be worried if you move there and it doesn't work out - would you feel obligated to stay with him or would you be up the creek. If she was able to get to know him, this may disappear. My mother, even though i only moved to another state was rightfully concerned about me moving to be with my boyfriend because he went from a guy no one heard of or met to all the sudden I was moving. And its often a warning sign if someone pushes too fast for someone to upheaval their life .

[lukeb]

You say you want to live your own life but moving to another country to be with a man your parents haven't even met can actually very easily have the opposite effect. Being a stranger in another country may make you very dependent on this guy. It does sound like you haven't thought things through and your folks are right to be worried. I don't see this about being betraying your parents.