Please help me understand - in work crying trying to work it out

[LoveHurts89]

How does this happen?

 

He was the only person I've ever been intimate with, we'd walk around naked in front of each other, now he won't even talk to me. I don't get it. I didn't do anything wrong, he keeps saying. But I must have to be punished like this, losing the single most important thing in my life. He was everything to me. Truly. The relationship was good. A few ups and downs, but that's any relationship for you.

 

What I don't understand is how we can go from being the most intimate we could be with one another, to me not even being allowed to speak to him?

 

How does it happen?

 

I can't stop sobbing in work.

[Oneironaut]

Unfortunately, he's the only person who can answer this question. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to at least tell you why he doesn't want to speak to you...are you sure there weren't ANY signs leading up to this? Sometimes, right after a breakup, in the heat of emotion people claim they never saw it coming, but as things cool off, they later admit there -were- signs.

 

Can you think of anything that may have indicated he was unhappy in the relationship?

[mouseno4]

Yep i agree. Something in the relationship has changed. You need to find out what.

[LoveHurts89]

We ended four months ago now. So, it's not the immediate after effect. Things were good. A week or so before we ended, we'd had a few petty rows, but nothing serious. Him leaving empty milk bottles in the fridge etc. We'd said we needed something positive, and had booked a break away together, but he ended it two days before we were due to go.

 

The day it ended, it was our first day off together in months. And he went downstairs doing some work (his lives above his restaurant) as I said I was gonna walk my brothers puppy. He was gonna come originally, but my brother said he'd come, so S said I'll do a bit of work then. Well, my brother cancelled, and I ended up sat in alone for about four hours. S didn't know but I took it out on him. I said to him I don't see the point in being together if you can't spend our first day off together in ages, and he said me either and I told him I didn't mean it, but he said he did.

 

We went out a few times after, and it was good. Looked positive for working it out. Then I got carried away begging etc. He asked for a week of space, and he said he didn't know what he wanted to had to stick to his decision. Since then, it's just got worse cause I've begged and begged.

[Eocsor]

Just because you were intimate at one stage and really into each other doesn't mean anything. People change their minds all the time. A lot of times they really weren't that into you to begin with. You can never really know someones mind and people get suprised by these things all the time. Best to just move on with dignity. Stop begging and pleading and just work on healing yourself.

[penelope13]

S didn't know but I took it out on him. I said to him I don't see the point in being together if you can't spend our first day off together in ages, and he said me either and I told him I didn't mean it, but he said he did.

 

Did that happen more than once: that you are taking out totally unrelated things on him? And that you challenged his commitment to you by accusing him of not wanting to be with you? - That's a very unhealthy and passive aggressive behavior.

 

If you did that on a regular basis you shouldn't be surprised that his feelings changed over time.

 

I am not trying to put blame on you, but trying to make you aware that maybe things didn't come out of the blue an to overthink your own behavior in the relationship.

 

Often we don't think that what we say or do may have an impact on the other person's feeling, if we have said 'oh, but I didn't really mean it; you should know I love you; I was just angry' - those kind of happenings can slowly erode feelings.

[LoveHurts89]

It's all my fault. Sometimes I was silly like that. I went to the doctors to get my pill changed as I was having kopf swings. It's all my fault. I'm crying even harder now. I knew it was my fault somehow, it's just taken a while to work it out. But you've shown me why now.

[penelope13]

My post wasn't meant for you to start beating yourself up, but to give you some understanding and insight. Only with understanding, taking ownership of our own actions can we start moving forward.

 

I know it's painful to lose love, but it is also an opportunity for personal growth and a learning experience of what not to do the next time.

[LoveHurts89]

That should have said mood swings. My predictive text changed it.

 

I just don't see the point in being here anymore. I've lost the single most important thing in my life, and it's my own fault.

[penelope13]

Don't give up on life. You don't know what's ahead of you. You still have so much to experience.

 

You might even get another chance with him one day.

 

Don't you want to be around for that chance or the chance to find even a greater love?

 

All you need to do is to stick around, and to 'prepare' yourself for when that happens.

 

So you made a few mistakes, we all do. Acknowledge it and learn from it. Become the person again that he was attracted to in the first place.

 

Let out all the pain, but then swallow the tears and focus on tomorrow

[LoveHurts89]

Thank you. You're amazing. Thank you xxx

[superfox]

Lovehurts. If he got back with you right this second it would be out of pity or worry about you doing something silly to yourself and no one wants to be pitied. You will never be the woman you were before you met him, you'll be stronger.

 

Get up in the morning and get that warpaint on, stop looking back, it's gone. I (and many of us here) have been exactly where you are right now. I grieved for my first love for months and did everything you did and what ena tell you to NOT do! I eventually moved on and after 18months got the phone call. I wasn't interested. Time had passed and I had healed - and had a lot of fun in-between! This was over 20 years ago, I still remember him but never with pangs of regret. He was just someone special at that time and I don't miss him at all.

[LoveHurts89]

Superfox, that's a really inspiring story. Thank you

 

I guess I need to look after me now xxx