Terms of Endearment

[JRo82]

Is it alright for your boyfriend to say words like "sweetie" or "hey, sweetie" to other women other than you? I know it's fine to say that when it's someone in either side's family, but do you think it's appropriate to say that to women that aren't relatives and certainly not your girlfriend?

[mouseno4]

Depends. Some guys do do it. It could be just a habit. If it bothers you, bring it up with him and see if you can train it out of him.

 

I sometimes call girls 'mates' because in australia, i call people that all the time. Usually mates is reserved for male to male.

 

I get called 'hun' all the time lol. Even by girls ive never met before rofl! (i dont like it personally but i wont object to it)

[holymoseph]

I'd find it annoying. But its all YOUR comfort level. Clearly it seems you are not comfortable with that. Don't force it down and ignore it. Say something. There's always a good way to go about things. If he can't respect that or if it becomes an issue between the two of you then maybe your not as compatible as you think. I've just learned in the past that it was always little irritating red flags that I ignored that made ME the fool.

[Mustachio]

Has he always called them this or has this started up since the relationship has started?

 

If it has been always, it may just be how he is. you can try talking to him about it if it really bothers you, but if it is truly innocent, and you can live with it, then it may not be worth a potential argument over something that he might perceive as you trying to change who he is.

[JRo82]

We've been together for a year. He told me long ago that his ex-wife was from the south and that "sweetie" was just a southern term of endearment. But as the time went on, I've started to become annoyed with him using that term. I just talked to him tonight about it, and he got all offensive and said "why did it take you this long to have a problem with it?" And then he started saying that I'm really showing my age, and that I'm being very immature. And that he uses that term for only a select few women, and not everyone he meets he says "sweetie" to. I told him that it's becoming really annoying because I call him "sweetie." That's my pet name for him. And it really irritates me that the pet name I use for him is the same one he uses for other women to say hello. He got bent out of shape and hung up the phone. Now it just sounds that he's hiding something from me when he did that. Instead of him saying that he'll stop calling other women that, he made the problem worse by getting all bent out of shape and yelling at me.

 

To answer Mustachio's question: Yes, he has said that he's been using that term on women for years before he met me.

 

I also told him that before we started dating, and he would call me "sweetie," I thought he was flirting with me. So I would flirt back with him. Because a man to call me "sweetie" and we weren't dating or anything sent mixed signals to me at the time. I've never had a man call me "sweetie" that wasn't my boyfriend first, until I met him. I just don't want another girl he says it to to get the same mixed signals that I did.

[superfox]

No, it doesn't sound like he's hiding anything. It sounds like youre being insecure and starting an argument where there is none. Which does sound immature. Broken down, you've had a hang up argument over one word 'sweetie'.

 

My bf has a handful of names for me, cute ones, endearing ones and a few downright rude hilarious ones! He'll use one of the cute ones on me and then on a shop assistant, it's no big deal it's the way he is. I know he loves me and only me.

 

Your situation sounds like you're bearing some grudge about his ex wife? And you should have mentioned this sooner to him and not in an acusury way. Some men just don't think! My ex never called me by my first name in all the years we were together and I hated it, I wasn't (in my eyes) seen as a person.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm from the south - if you mean the South as in American South - and yes, 'sweeite' is a term of endearment I suppose. 'darling' is another one. but normally, honestly, it's a woman to woman thing. I"ll call other women sweetie and darlin' but I don't use that phrase toward a man unless it's a very, very, close relative and I'm being sarcastic. I would be annoyed if my fiance used that word on another woman - anything other than 'hot' really - so i dunno...

[JRo82]

No. I'm not bearing any grudges regarding his ex. I'm just telling you the excuse he's giving me about why he uses the term "sweetie" to other women. And when I approached the subject, I was very delicate with it. I told him in a calm voice that I know he's used the term for a long time to other women other than me, but after a while I've started to become annoyed with it. It seems like if he uses the term "sweetie" to a select few women other than myself, then the term is not special to me. The term "sweetie" should be a loving term to say to your boyfriend and girlfriend and not be just thrown around to any other person other than the one you love.

[OptomisticGirl]

No. I'm not bearing any grudges regarding his ex. I'm just telling you the excuse he's giving me about why he uses the term "sweetie" to other women. And when I approached the subject, I was very delicate with it. I told him in a calm voice that I know he's used the term for a long time to other women other than me, but after a while I've started to become annoyed with it. It seems like if he uses the term "sweetie" to a select few women other than myself, then the term is not special to me. The term "sweetie" should be a loving term to say to your boyfriend and girlfriend and not be just thrown around to any other person other than the one you love.

 

Then it comes down to a basic of you both having different deifinitions of it. Neither of you are wrong but a comproimse has to be made or it's going to be a thorn in the relationship's side.

[JRo82]

He said to me that her relatives were from Kentucky or Tennessee somewhere there, and that everyone back there calls each other "sweetie." As in men calling women that and women calling other women that. I don't think men call each other "sweetie" there unless they were lovers or something... But that's the excuse he's been giving me.

 

But it seems like anytime I speak up against something that I find annoying or take offense to, he gets bent out of shape and starts yelling at me like it's my fault, and then wants to end the conversation right away without any resolution. I can't have that in a relationship. I think if his behavior towards anything that I take offense to keeps going the way it's going, then there is no relationship. It feels one-sided. It's almost like his whole attitude is put up with it, or shut up.

[OptomisticGirl]

Kentucky and TN are part of the south, and I myself use Sweetie (but my fiance hates when I call him that) and I use darlin' but I would never call someone else baby (that's what I call my fiance) unless I was talking to my nephew.

 

Well, it may well be that his attituide. It doesn't make it right or wrong, he's allowed to say 'like me or hit the door' but yes, there has to be comproimse. And if you aren't getting that then you need leave.

[superfox]

Ok. It'll probably take him a long time to get out of the habit of calling you it and he will slip up a few times so be patient! Some guys are a bit unimaginative with their words so try not to be too offended.

[superfox]

Sorry, posted before reading your last reply. He doesn't sound great tbh

[JRo82]

I know he loves me, and I love him. I just feel uncomfortable when he uses the term "sweetie" on other women when that's the term I use for him. He calls me "baby" and "honey." Which are all fine; those are the words he uses for me. It's like what if I used the term "baby" or "honey" on other men? Those are terms he uses on me. I bet he wouldn't like it if I started calling other men those terms, because then those terms wouldn't mean anything, which is exactly what he's doing with the word "sweetie."

 

He told me one time that he said that to a co-worker, and she took offense to it and told him. He told me he stopped saying it to her from then on. I told him that if that was the case, why don't you stop saying it to women co-workers altogether because he might find himself in trouble and get a sexual harassment case brought against him. He said that he can't help it, it's just a term he says that slips out.

[OptomisticGirl]

Can you ask him to find another nick name for you then?

[superfox]

Sweetie really is a nothing word though. I use a variation of it on my friends, children and bf. I was called sweetheart last week by a guy I didn't know in front of his wife, it only had the effect on me that he got better service! It really means nothing in the grand scheme of things. He has special words for you that he doesn't use elsewhere.

[mouseno4]

I personally think your overreacting to an innocent word.

 

However, i do agree that your guy isnt exactly a good catch.

[JRo82]

Can you ask him to find another nick name for you then?

 

He calls me "baby" and "honey"

 

I call him "sweetie"

 

 

For him to call other girls by the pet name I gave him, it makes me feel like the name I gave him doesn't mean anything.

[JRo82]

Seriously though, my discussion with him should have been an over and shut case after I told him how I felt. For him to put the blame on me (like he always does), and quickly wants to hang up the phone with me after I say that we need to discuss this further in person just shows you who really is the immature one.

 

It should have been like this:

 

"Honey, we need to talk. I'm really taking offense to you calling other women "sweetie" when that's my pet name for you."

 

"Okay, Honey, I understand how you feel. I'll stop doing that if it makes you feel uncomfortable."

 

CASE CLOSED

 

And I would've been fine with that. But he wanted to drag it out into an argument that shouldn't have been one in the first place.

[BrokenSmile]

To be fair, you decided to use the name that he uses for multiple women as his pet name..Sweetie is a pretty common affectionate word. But I also do see your point, and I think he should take at least some consideration of your feelings into the matter.

[OptomisticGirl]

But it doesn't HAVE to be like that. He can acknowledge it makes you feel uncomfortable but he doesn't have to stop using it - especially if he used it before you and you knew about it before giving it to him.

[He2Him]

In my world, it's not appreciated. If someone doesn't share my vision, then also our ways will part. On this planet, there are people who are like you and those who aren't. Why get stuck with someone who isn't just for the sake of it. As extreme as it may seem, I'm just talking basics of life, according to my own rule-book.

[Mustachio]

Hmm, after reading all of this I think you need to come up with a compromise. Its going to be hard for him to change this, and you asking him to change is going to come accross like you asking him to change something about himself. It will seem more than you asking him not to use a word. And as was said, you knew he used it before, and you decided to start calling him that as his pet name.

 

His use of the word seems totally innocent, and from his viewpoint he is right, I mean it did take you how long before you said anything to him about it? If you bring it up again to him, try not to be accusatory, and just let him know how it makes you feel. Then maybe try and reach a compromise. Maybe you try and find a new pet name for him.

 

And I do have to disagree with He2Him, while living in absolutes may work for some, this feels to me like you are making too much out of a minor issue and I bet there is a solution that will work for both of you.

[livelarge]

I understand that you are upset. You have a special pet name for him and he uses exactly that name for other people. How did you pick that pet name? Is it because he's the sweetest guy you ever met? Does he taste sweet? Is there some strong emotional attachment to that pet name for you? I ask because he does not know that there is something special about that term since he uses it randomly.

 

However, I get a little lost when you say that you should express your feelings, he immediately stops doing what irritates you and case closed. The way I see it, what should happen is you express your feelings, he recognizes them and then you compromise. What if he called you up and said, "It really hurts me when you laugh like a hyena." Would you just completely change the way you laugh or would you get a little defensive about it? Especially if you've been laughing that way ever since he met you. Or would you think that all of a sudden he doesn't like things about you and get worried that he no longer finds the things you do cute and endearing? It sounds to me like you hit a panic button in him.

 

I agree that him getting upset and hanging up the phone is no way to deal with conflict. You are going to have to find a middle ground there. And you should do that when you are not angry or pissed off, because your expectations of him are really high when you are in that mood.

 

Anyway, perhaps you could pick another nickname for him so that he can go on calling random people sweetie. If it truly means nothing to him and he's been doing it forever, you should let him continue doing it. That's my take.

[Stay_home]

Is it alright for your boyfriend to say words like "sweetie" or "hey, sweetie" to other women other than you? I know it's fine to say that when it's someone in either side's family, but do you think it's appropriate to say that to women that aren't relatives and certainly not your girlfriend?

 

I wouldn't do it.