Sum Guy Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 hi, this is my first post here, have been reading the forums and thought maybe i could get a bit of advice from all you smart people... my girlfriend of about a year, broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. she says she wants to be friends. we both know we don't want to get back together. she wanted very casual, i wanted a family. i love her very much, but i hated the relationship. it's been a difficult breakup for me. now she keeps calling me to go out for drinks. i don't feel comfortable with that, i'm still too much in love with her. but it just seems rude to cut off all contact with her. i don't think meeting for a coffee once in a while, as ex-lovers, would kill me, would it? i want to be a decent person, no need to hurt her, or make things ugly? she's made it clear many times that if i cut off contact with her, she'll be really pissed. she says stuff like, "i see you're miserable so i want to step back, but then, why do i have to be the one who feels like s**t instead? accepting the kind of treatment like yours makes me angry and my self-esteem go lower and so on, and i'm tired of that". i guess she wants me around as a fallback guy, someone to call for drinks or to listen to her problems, and also so she doesn't feel guilty. if i tell her i can't be that kind of "friend", is she likely to freak out because she won't be getting her needs met? like i say, i don't really want any kind of relationship with her, just want to be decent and not hurtful, even though she may have hurt me. she can be verbally abusive, when she gets angry or depressed - which is quite often. she'd send drunk/insensitive text messages and e-mails, and still does, and it's quite upsetting to me. she already broke up with me several times in the last few months, and it's made me a bit of a wreck. lately i've been spending a ridiculous amount of time trying to write a letter, but i couldn't get it to come out right. my friends all say i need to get some distance, and i'm sure they're right. but still, do i really need to say, "please don't contact me again?" isn't that a bit childish? can't i be civil at least? or am i setting myself up for a lot of pain? couldn't i be friendly, without being friends? would like to hear what you think, i'm having a really hard time deciding what to do... Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 So she is able to be verbally abusive and you are the immature one for not putting up with that? I don't think so... Who cares whether someone thinks that NC is rude an immature? It is immature if you use NC as a silent treatment to punish someone, but as long as you are doing it for YOU and the right reasons (to heal and move on) then it is never immature to protect yourself. I think that staying friends with an ex because you can't let go and you want to change their mind into coming back is the mature way of doing things, really. People have the idea that "civil" and "nice" means that you have to be a doormat. I can't think of anything more civil than asking someone assertively and politely to respect your boundaries. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 NC is for you to heal - it's not immature to give oneself time to heal. Being civil with an ex never healed anyone - it just prolonged the pain. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 It's not childish to tell someone who is verbally abusive to you to stop calling you. yes, no contact is all about healing. she made the decision to break up, now she has to deal with the consequences. you are not her emotional tampon. Link to comment
Carus Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 Heh...I was gonna say Llama* was gonna love this thread, but she already beat me to it... But the above posters are correct....NC is to help people who are in distress withdraw from the drug and heal....If you feel you can have coffee with her and hear all about the new guys she's dating then go right ahead....But in the early stages of a BU, if you can do that then you are some sort of superhuman...or emotionless robot You might be able to stay in contact with her and work things out, but if you do that and make it stick you will be unique from the 100,000,000,000 other people who have tried it...* Many couples breakup and reconcile in short periods but most of those do eventually break for good. Ironically the most successful recon stories happen after a good amount of time has passed....and I'm talking years not weeks... I'm not 'friends' per se with my ex's but if I ever hear from them its nice and we catch up with no difficulties....Not so with my last one as I still hurt over what she did and she's still with my replacement, but maybe one day... So she dumps you but then says she'll get upset if you cut contact..!? .....no comment* Ever Forward Carus* 8-) Link to comment
elcie Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 "i see you're miserable so i want to step back, but then, why do i have to be the one who feels like s**t instead? accepting the kind of treatment like yours makes me angry and my self-esteem go lower and so on, and i'm tired of that". She sounds a little bit spoilt and selfish to me. If she cared anything about you, even as a friend, she should respect your wishes. If you do intend writing a letter, make it clear that it is the last correspondence with her. Write that you will find it easier to move on if you cut off all contact with her; and ask that she respect your wishes on this. If you write this in a calm and respectful way, then it is not being childish. Make it very clear that you are doing this to help you heal and not as a form of punishment to her. If she does react badly to this, that is HER PROBLEM! Going NC means that you don't have to respond to any of her negativity. Good Luck! Link to comment
Sum Guy Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 dramallama, thanks for your reply... i guess i want to think if it in terms of whether *i* think it's rude, not whether she does. being a decent person shouldn't depend on whether other people are decent, i mean, i just always try to do the right thing i guess, even if others don't. guess it's the whole "turn the other cheek" thing. but you're right about being a doormat. the decent thing is to stand up for dignity and respect. that's why i'm not going to let her use me as the fallback guy, to keep her entertained until she finds a new lover. but still, i have a really hard time to believe that if i see her on the street, i should just pretend she's not there... b.t.w., for sure neither of us is trying to change the other's mind into coming back... Link to comment
Yaz Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 The simple answer - NO. If the other person construes it as immature, or rude, that's their problem. Who cares what they think? They dumped your butt like a piece of trash. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 but still, i have a really hard time to believe that if i see her on the street, i should just pretend she's not there... Treat her instead like a coworker you barely know. "Hi - nice day out, huh? Oh, gotta go, going to miss my bus. Bye!" Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 I'm not a fan of NC in any part, but from what you have told us, she is using emotional blackmail to keep you around. Be civil, but firm. Don't let her walk all over you. Link to comment
Sum Guy Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 Carus, thanks for your insight - i do feel pretty much in distress, there was a huge explosion of awful e-mail today, and i felt literally sick about it. the swearing and saying nasty things is definitely a problem. she's italian, and sometimes i think, maybe there's a cultural difference, and i should have some patience. but yes it is difficult. and no, i certainly don't want to hear about the new guy she's dating, not now. maybe she could just not mention it? just to be clear again, there is absolutely NO WAY we will reconcile as a couple. no, i'm thinking more like what you said - not to be "friends" per se, but if i hear from her it's nice and we could catch up. can't we start with that already? or am i fooling myself? i've never been in this situation before. i do know that my last ex, who also dumped me, was the opposite - she would not even say hello if we were in the same room, and not talk to me even if we were sitting at the same table at some mutual friends' place. that made me feel terrible. so i don't want to be a hypocrite... Link to comment
Mustachio Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 What everyone else has said. She has guilted you into feeling like what you need is doing something wrong. She broke up with you, she doesnt get any say anymore in what you do. You wanna be friends at some point down the road, thats fine, but you clearly recognize you cant do it now. So as has been said dont let her walk all over you. On a related note, I personally dont think NC is the end all be all of solutions, but in a lot of cases and even if its just temporary, it can help tremendously. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 I think if you are going to both be in a position where you can either be friends or "catch up" with no hard feelings on either end, it is usually after years of NC in between and it has to happen NATURALLY, without it feeling forced. You are trying to force an ideal situation when she's made it clear with her actions that she doesn't want to be civil. It doesn't matter whether she's Italian or not - by enforcing NC you are showing her that it's not ok for her to abuse you that way. She has a boyfriend now anyway so let him handle her. Link to comment
Sum Guy Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 NC is for you to heal - it's not immature to give oneself time to heal. Being civil with an ex never healed anyone - it just prolonged the pain. i do need time to heal, you're right. i need time and distance apart. but being uncivil could increase the pain too, for both of us, no? if we're grown-ups, we could know that each other is in pain, and to let the other know, once in a while, that i hope you're well... couldn't that help? or am i just dreaming, that it's possible? Link to comment
Mustachio Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 What about breaking off contact do you consider "uncivil"? Do you not consider her breaking up with you "uncivil" she decided she wanted to change the nature of things (such as you do now by going NC), and im guessing it hurt you a lot more than you going nc would hurt her. Something to think about. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 i do need time to heal, you're right. i need time and distance apart. but being uncivil could increase the pain too, for both of us, no? if we're grown-ups, we could know that each other is in pain, and to let the other know, once in a while, that i hope you're well... couldn't that help? or am i just dreaming, that it's possible? If you're so intent on being civil, then go ahead and try to stay in touch. In time you will see that it only delays your healing. I'm not sure why you want to be civil with someone that doesn't know the meaning of the word, though. Why not civilly part ways, if you haven't already, and civilly move on with your life, wishing her the best in your mind but knowing that it's in the past now? Link to comment
Sum Guy Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 oh, i wish she had a boyfriend now, that would make things a lot easier! then she wouldn't be calling me for drinks twice a week... i did have one relationship where after we broke up, we could catch up. i mean, we didn't call each other, she got involved with another guy, and it took a few months, but we'd see each other around sometimes. there were a few hard feelings perhaps, but we put them aside and talked for a bit. it felt nice. a bit sad and difficult, but very nice to know that we didn't hate each other. i guess that's the thing, i don't want her to feel that i'm abandoning her, i mean, i still care about her. i don't want her to think i hate her, because i don't. i'm afraid that saying, "no, i don't want your friendship, don't contact me anymore" will give the wrong message. but that time it was quite natural, you're right. we both kind of knew not to call, and when it was still really too awkward to say much other than "hi". we weren't friends, but tried as ex-lovers to be friendly. this time it does feel weird. it feels like she shouldn't want to be friends. strange feeling... Link to comment
Sum Guy Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 Do you not consider her breaking up with you "uncivil" she decided she wanted to change the nature of things (such as you do now by going NC), and im guessing it hurt you a lot more than you going nc would hurt her. Something to think about. no, i don't consider breaking up with someone to be uncivil. everyone has to follow their heart. it hurts, but i don't blame her for that pain. some of the other things, yes... but even then, i don't believe so much in the eye-for-an-eye, if someone hurt me i can hurt them back. even if she hurt me a lot, i still don't want to hurt her. i don't know if i want to have no contact. i did read that when you do it, it can feel like you're doing completely the wrong thing. so maybe that's just where i'm at, don't know. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 i do need time to heal, you're right. i need time and distance apart. but being uncivil could increase the pain too, for both of us, no? if we're grown-ups, we could know that each other is in pain, and to let the other know, once in a while, that i hope you're well... couldn't that help? or am i just dreaming, that it's possible? It's dreaming darling. Whether you realize it or not you are holding out hope it either a) will work or b) you guys can function in each other's lives as friends so soon after a break up. Maybe one day you can bump into each other and be friends but unless you have kids together, there is no reason to maintain contact. If you see her on the street and she says hi, say hi back but make your exit quickly. No reason to stand there for 30 mins shooting the breeze. Link to comment
Sum Guy Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 Why not civilly part ways, if you haven't already, and civilly move on with your life, wishing her the best in your mind but knowing that it's in the past now? well, up until a week or so ago, i did think we could be friends. now i think we can't. so at least i've made some progress and reading these forums and your posts has helped me reach that decision. i would like to civilly part ways. but i'm pretty sure if i cut her off, unilaterally refuse to answer her calls and messages, it won't be civil - it will be ugly. i wish we could come to some kind of mutual understanding. i would like us to wish each other the best not only in our minds, but to each other. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 well, up until a week or so ago, i did think we could be friends. now i think we can't. so at least i've made some progress and reading these forums and your posts has helped me reach that decision. i would like to civilly part ways. but i'm pretty sure if i cut her off, unilaterally refuse to answer her calls and messages, it won't be civil - it will be ugly. i wish we could come to some kind of mutual understanding. i would like us to wish each other the best not only in our minds, but to each other. I think that, if you are honest with yourself, you don't want to contact her again to be "civil" but so that she doesn't see you as "mean" so that it will improve your chances of reconciliation in the future. You have acted as civily as you can, so you've done your part now. I think your energy would be better spent into moving on. Stop accepting her offers of drinks twice a week because you two are not in a relationship anymore. Link to comment
Teaday Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 You're only delaying the inevitable by keeping this going. Sure, you're going feel terrible once you stop contact, but it's a break up. It's not meant to feel good. You feel terrible as it is. It sucks, but tear off the bandaid (and fast). It's gonna sting at first, but give it time, and I guarantee you'll feel MUCH better sooner than if you try to slowly ease out of this. Link to comment
Sum Guy Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 It's dreaming darling. Whether you realize it or not you are holding out hope it either a) will work or b) you guys can function in each other's lives as friends so soon after a break up. Maybe one day you can bump into each other and be friends but unless you have kids together, there is no reason to maintain contact. If you see her on the street and she says hi, say hi back but make your exit quickly. No reason to stand there for 30 mins shooting the breeze. well... a) there is no hope we will get back together. some stuff happened that i don't want to get into here, but there is no chance whatsoever. b) i don't actually want to be "friends", because i'm still in love with her. but i'd still like to be "friendly". i'm not "friends" with the cashier at the corner store, but i'm "friendly". why not to someone i would have married? i mean, if she wants to hear some news of what i'm up to once in a while, what's the big deal? can't i be a bit courteous? but i think i'll have a problem anyway, telling her i don't want to be "friends", i.e., i don't want to see her socially, go out for drinks with friends, or go to a show. not sure how she'll take that. guess that's the first step, anyway. Link to comment
ForumGuy Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 ....it's been a difficult breakup for me......i'm still too much in love with her......These are just a couple of the reasons to go NC and start your own healing. Meeting her for drinks etc. will only keep you floundering in the relationship with her and on her terms. You need to create your own terms rather than be her punching bag. She will punch on you as long as you let her, or until the next interesting guy comes along. She has you "guilted" into thinking you would be childish for cutting contact with her, therefore maintaining control over you. Going NC will put that control and your own destiny back into your hands. Link to comment
Sum Guy Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 I think that, if you are honest with yourself, you don't want to contact her again to be "civil" but so that she doesn't see you as "mean" so that it will improve your chances of reconciliation in the future. You have acted as civily as you can, so you've done your part now. I think your energy would be better spent into moving on. Stop accepting her offers of drinks twice a week because you two are not in a relationship anymore. absolutey not. there is no chance at all of reconciliation. can't explain why right now, but trust me - no way. it's done. it's true, i don't want her to see me as mean. but more importantly, i don't want to see myself as mean. for sure though, you are right, i need to spend my energy to move on. that's why i've actually turned down her offers of drinks. i don't want to socialize. not now, and probably not ever. Link to comment
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