Cancelled Potential Date w/Ex (Dumper) and Feel Terrible!

[wilyone 11]

Hi everyone,

 

My ex broke up with me on March 24 after a year or so of infrequent dating (he lives 2 hours away). We had tons of chemistry and I think he just got scared. He meets all the definitions of commitment phobe (although I never asked for one). He wanted to stay friends but I said no and did NC.

 

After 7 weeks of NC, I broke down and emailed him that I'd like to be friends if he still wanted that. Then I went VERY LC for 6 weeks, like I would wait 2 weeks to respond to his email. He would respond immediately. I kept the emails light & breezy.

 

On Friday he said he'd be in my area on Tues & Wed and asked if I'd like to get together to catch up over dinner. I emailed him on Sat morning that yes it would be nice to catch up and either night would work.

 

Then SILENCE on his end for a day. In the past, this invariably meant that he was feeling uncertain and he would cancel on me at the last minute, or pretend to get so busy that he lost track of time, or whatever, and it led to heartbreak on my end. When he was sure about things, he would respond to my email within a couple of hours.

 

Just this act of him not responding to confirm right away, or express some enthusiasm about seeing me, made me freak out. It's like it reopened my unhealed wounds. I can't handle the angst-ridden insecurity of waiting to see if he'll come through or instead give some lame excuse about why he can't make it. I don't want him back unless he's certain that he wants me.

 

So I impulsively emailed him that I wouldn't be able to make it and apologized. I didn't even offer an excuse or suggest getting together another time.

 

Now I feel terrible and I wish I had just been a little more patient. I'm afraid he's going to think I'm unstable (it was pretty obvious that I simply changed my mind in under 24 hours).

 

I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting except to keep myself from reaching out to him. I've never been so in love with anyone and just don't want to completely blow it! Any thoughts/advice welcome. Thanks.

[hazelnut321]

Don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't blow it! You weren't rude- who knows, maybe he thinks something really came up.

 

Believe me, I know how it is to second guess actions (or inactions) and make a bigger deal out of something than it should be. I am living proof of it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Given his past behaviour, it is no wonder you reacted this way. Rather than beating yourself up over it, why not take this as a sign that HE blew it by acting the way he did because now you can never let your guard down with him and trust him. Basically his behaviour showed that he was unreliable and inconsistent...you reap what you sow....he behaved in that manner and now you don't believe in him anymore. I would say forget about him because you will be forever walking on eggshells due to his unreliability and inconsistency.

[Hollyj]

The guy is emotionally unavailable, I don't understand what you blew? He is showing you he is still unreliable and inappropriate as both a partner and as friend. These guys do not change!

It is never wise to be friends with an ex unless you are COMPLETELY over them. My question is, why would you want to be friends with someone you have to play games with and wasn't there when you were dating?

Find some available!

[Yaz]

Just stay away from him. No contact for life. More trouble than it's worth.

[Ms Darcy]

I see three big problems here. One, you ask him for friendship when friendship is nowhere near what you want.

 

Two, you indict him for past relationship behavior versus just taking what he does lightly. After all, it's not a big deal if a friend doesn't respond for a day. Nope. Because you have alterior motives, you use this as a time to reopen emotional wounds and start freaking out. You can't on the one hand say you want to be friends and then get angry that he's not treating you like a gf.

 

Three, you really shouldn't be trying to get back with someone you think is a commitment phobe. It's just going to hurt you.

[Hollyj]

Yes. And why are you calling it a date if you're only friends? Why are you assuming he wants you back? Lastly, why would you want him back if he's CP?

[wilyone 11]

Thanks everyone for the helpful advice.

 

During the 7 weeks of NC, I really tried to convince myself that he was horrible for me, that I should run like hell, etc.

 

But the truth is that my feelings only grew stronger during NC. I love this guy dearly and I'm really not the type to get hung up on men. I usually have no trouble moving on.

 

He's been married once before and he does connect intimately, but then snaps off and runs away. I read a couple of books about CP and it did help me understand his behavior. He was like that maybe 25% of the time, so it wasn't all bad. He can be extremely charming and sweet also.

 

I am assuming he'd like to reignite something for a few reasons--1. I mentioned someplace I was going to visit and he wrote back "Perhaps we could go there together someday". 2. In another email he wrote that it is always good to hear from me. 3. He asked me to meet him for dinner. I suppose this could be just friendly talk but I somehow doubt it.

 

I didn't think I was playing games by cancelling. I am scared myself of exposing myself to more pain. I wanted to protect myself from seeing him act ambivalent again.

 

In case it's not obvious, I'm kind of a mess right now!!

[Ms Darcy]

Instead of assuming he'd like to reignite, ask him directly. Unless he tells you, it's not fair to assume so.

 

Also, the level of feeling you have for a person does not necessarily correlate to a relationship. Sadly, it takes two. If he is shutting off his feelings, that means he doesn't have feelings.

[Hollyj]

Yes. But you need to love yourself! This man did treat you well and has issues with CP, which ONLY he can change.

 

You said he was like this "25% of the time." Jesus, this is a quarter of the relationship. You are toning down how he treated you and making excuses.

 

The things you mentioned for reconciliation are nothing. If someone wants to get back they will tell you so, not so indirectly. Also, you live two hours away from each other, how would that work. Honestly, from what he has done, it does not show an eagerness to reconcile but, a effort to string you along and stroke his ego. And, you're going for it!

 

He didn't treat you right before, don't put your hand in the fire again.

 

Do yourself a huge favor, check out: link removed. This helped my understand my CP ex and complicity in the relationship.

 

You seriously need to go NC with this guy, as you are in no condition to be his 'friend.'

[Teaday]

It's doubtful that a commitment phobic can sustain a relationship until they deal with the cause of these fears. The issue isn't between you and him. It's between him and his past.

 

Unless he makes the decision to revisit these issues and ready himself for a further commitment, you sadly won't be able to have the type of relationship you want with him.

 

I'm sure he's a great guy otherwise, but he's built a barrier that only he can bring down.

[OrangeSlice]

My advice would be to move on and start over with someone new.

[sunnz]

You're expecting him to treat you the way he treated you when you were his girlfriend...e.g reply straight away or couple hours...this just doesn't happen like that...exes like to take the time to observe your behaviour or what ever...they too don't want to look eager...and anyway wasn't it you who took *2 weeks* to reply to his email ??? lol...

 

i think you have to drop the expectations and go with the flow on this one...treat him as someone you are getting to know...new...and I think people like to have a feel of things before they even want to go back to someone or have a relationship...I really don't think it is wise for anyone to just make contact then want a relationship straight off from not talking to each other for months...it doesn't work smoothly like that...for it to work it has to slowly start off...courting each other just like it was someone new...

[Hollyj]

You're forgetting he is a CP. These people rarely change. It will be the exact same situation as before but, worse. He knows that she has low expectation levels and will treat her accordingly.

[Tired Tiger]

You're forgetting he is a CP.

 

No offense to the OP, but this is merely a label that so many attach to their exes in the process of trying to understand why things happened the way they did. Yes, there are certainly psychological/personality disorders, but it doesn't always stand to reason that everyone who ends a relationship is afflicted with "CP-BPD-EI-EI-O". What's more curious here is why a day to respond on his part is an epic and fatal flaw, while on the other side - 2 weeks to reply is perfectly acceptable. The communication problem here exists within both participants.

[Brownstone322]

No offense to the OP, but this is merely a label that so many attach to their exes in the process of trying to understand why things happened the way they did. Yes, there are certainly psychological/personality disorders, but it doesn't always stand to reason that everyone who ends a relationship is afflicted with "CP-BPD-EI-EI-O". What's more curious here is why a day to respond on his part is an epic and fatal flaw, while on the other side - 2 weeks to reply is perfectly acceptable. The communication problem here exists within both participants.

I thought the same thing. I'm not so sure that "commitment-phobe" is a recognized psychological disorder, and if it were, none of us would be qualified to reach that diagnosis anyway, especially not based on the observations of a jilted former partner. But then ... voila! ... it morphs into fact after a handful of posts. (It's like "bi-polar"; people love to kick that term around in place of "sometimes moody.")

 

To the original poster: I can understand your protecting yourself from disappoint, but you panicked and canceled too soon. You should've given him two or three days.

[wilyone 11]

No offense to the OP, but this is merely a label that so many attach to their exes in the process of trying to understand why things happened the way they did. Yes, there are certainly psychological/personality disorders, but it doesn't always stand to reason that everyone who ends a relationship is afflicted with "CP-BPD-EI-EI-O". What's more curious here is why a day to respond on his part is an epic and fatal flaw, while on the other side - 2 weeks to reply is perfectly acceptable. The communication problem here exists within both participants.

 

Thanks. It's not that taking a day to respond was an "epic and fatal flaw", but based on all of my past history with him, it was consistent with him suddenly becoming uncertain and not going through with getting together. It triggered my alarm bells so to speak.

 

And yes my own fears and wounds have become part of the equation now too. I generally waited a couple weeks b/c I was trying to go LC and it's not like his emails required an answer.

 

I will just go NC again and try to find someone else to obssess about!

[wilyone 11]

I thought the same thing. I'm not so sure that "commitment-phobe" is a recognized psychological disorder, and if it were, none of us would be qualified to reach that diagnosis anyway, especially not based on the observations of a jilted former partner. But then ... voila! ... it morphs into fact after a handful of posts. (It's like "bi-polar"; people love to kick that term around in place of "sometimes moody.")

 

To the original poster: I can understand your protecting yourself from disappoint, but you panicked and canceled too soon. You should've given him two or three days.

 

The books I've read on CP don't explain what causes it and basically just conclude that it's incurable. All women are advised to never go back because they will be hurt even worse the second time around. It's definitely a label a guy doesn't want!

 

Yes, I panicked too soon. I think his behavior when we were dating really did a number on me. I'm not the self-assured and confident woman I used to be unfortunately.

[SethSLC]

I'm puzzled, and mildly shocked, that you are acting like Chicken Little when the truth is he did nothing that you hadn't been doing for (7 weeks you said?) a while now. I mean is it really okay for you to take 2 weeks to respond to his communications yet if he takes a single day then the sky is falling.... To me that says that you aren't ready for contact with him if you can't take it in stride.

[wilyone 11]

I'm puzzled, and mildly shocked, that you are acting like Chicken Little when the truth is he did nothing that you hadn't been doing for (7 weeks you said?) a while now. I mean is it really okay for you to take 2 weeks to respond to his communications yet if he takes a single day then the sky is falling.... To me that says that you aren't ready for contact with him if you can't take it in stride.

 

Well if you knew from past experience that every single time your exgirlfriend took more than a day to confirm a date that she would ultimately cancel at last minute or just ignore you completely, and this caused you a lot of pain in the past, you might act like Chicken Little too when she did it again.

 

I had hoped that the 13 weeks apart would make him more certain but I think he's still afraid and I'm even more afraid than before.

[wilyone 11]

So he responded this morning with the following:

 

"Bummer. Next time perhaps."

 

If I go NC, I think he will take that to mean I never want to see him again?

[Glowguy]

No offense, but I think you are in the wrong here and there is pretty big double standard going on here. It's perfectly reasonable for him to wait a day regardless of how he has acted in the past. Perhaps he was just very busy that day. Or maybe after the long period of no contact he just wants to make sure he is up to seeing you. Try to look at things from his perspective. Two weeks is a long time to make someone wait for a response. One day is nothing.

 

If you are worried about it, why not just suggest a different day to meet? The solution seems pretty obvious to me. If he wants to see you then I'm sure he will have no problem rescheduling.

[Brownstone322]

So he responded this morning with the following:

 

"Bummer. Next time perhaps."

 

If I go NC, I think he will take that to mean I never want to see him again?

Politely hit him up to reschedule. Or even un-cancel. Circumstances change.

 

Or, short of that, at least reply in some open-ended way.

[sunnz]

I think Brownstone suggestion would be good...I mean if you want to try to work things out reopen the meet up...

 

My ex took 4 days to respond to my suggestion to catch up...even though previously he would just take a day or two with my other messages...I knew he was observing my reaction to his taking the time to respond because in the past I had complained to him for ignoring me lol...and there was no way I would make that same mistake a third time plus I'm at a stage where it's whatever...He ended up replying 4am in the morning slightly drunk lol [he told me] with a re-adding me on facebook...that alone shocked me because my attempts 3 months ago to re-add him failed ...

 

So I say just reschedule or something...and keep it in your mind of not expecting whatever outcome you want...it's a what will be will be type thing...this puts less pressure on your own mind where you don't overanalyse and also you come accross cool and calm...

[Ms Darcy]

I don't really have words for you anymore girl. You are swimming in denial. You insist that you love him and want to get back together and then you talk abut why it makes sense that his past bad acts cause your present bad behaviors.

 

I hope it works out for you, but I'm doubtful.