Have uncontrollable urge to text the ex. Need someone to STOP me.

[lykkeli]

So our relationship ended permamnently a week ago, the main reason breaking up being that I had carelessly slept with someone else during our break up. Both times, (this and before) he had been the one to do the breaking up.

 

He was very compassionate and caring when I confessed that I slept with someone else. Said not to beat myself up, and told me he had been in my shoes before. But he said ultimately, he was very very hurt and explained he wanted to "focus on getting over you."

 

I miss him so much. It hurts so much that all I feel is numbness I just want to text him and tell him I regret doing what I did.

 

I have been NC for one week and know that it is a struggle. Please, help. Heartbroken, numb, and dormant.

[Meriem]

You need to stop because

a) you're guna regret it

b) there's no point to it at all except setting you back

c) if you controlled the urge now and this urge was SO hard to control that will assure you and give you confidence to control the next urges and they will be easier

d) If you broke it now you'll have to start over from day 1

e) you might renew the pain

f) please don't

g) I'm writing in bullet points so it will be long and distract you from the urge

h) always come here and read the thread "reasons why you should not contact our ex" and you'll feel better..

 

Lastly, what do you mean you slept with someone while you were broken up? I didn't get that part

[Danny77]

Oooowf,

it's gonna hurt if you do it.

 

I'll promise you that.

[GrowingIn]

I'm sure he's aware you regret it. This is why it's bad to sleep with someone else as soon as you break up and instead go ahead and feel that pain. I am a guy and I can do it. It's time for you to learn to do the same. Seriously ladies, stop being so easy and having so little self-respect. And yes I have done this in the past, and yes it has helped me move on, limited my depression and feel better temporarily(not always though...sometimes I felt worse). But sometimes people do get back together, and since it takes such an amount of effort to begin with for two people to get back together, throwing another man in the middle isn't going to help out those chances.

 

My friends are trying to hook me up with girls. There are women that are coming on to me. I refuse. I would rather withdraw and be depressed than not have the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. How can you possibly think another act of sex, another man's penis, is going to make things all better?

 

There is a good chance all you're going to see from him eventually if you keep at it is disgust. There is your reason. If you truly regret it, you won't contact him. If you truly care you will give him the space and time to recover, get himself together so he can think clearly and then decide. And you will do the same instead of looking for the next quick fix.

[Unwanted]

Don't do it!!! If you text him he might reply with something that you don't want to hear.

 

I knoooooww it's difficult. But you will just get hurt and anticipate something that may/may not be there.

 

And yes you slept with someone during your BU? You're allowed to sleep with someone during your BU last time I checked?!?

[giraffegirl]

Yes on "Friends" this is known as being technically "on a break"

[lykkeli]

I couldn't help myself. I texted him "I really regret doing what I did." followed by " 'Saturday' by Yo La Tengo. Listen to it."

 

At least the words weren't pathetic, at least in my eyes.

 

Thanks, everyone for the responses. Heartbreak hurts, especially when you feel they were your soulmate...

[hero]

Why would you create a topic asking us to help you NOT text him and yet you still did it anyways? Do you feel better now? C'mon you're stronger than that!

 

Im not trying to go hard on you, heck I've been in your shoes before too, I've texted my ex several times after the BU and it was the biggest mistake I could make. If only I knew about this site during that time then maybe things wouldve been different. Try to have the willpower next time to not do it, nothing positive comes out of it no matter how good you may think the idea of communicating with them may be, its usually not.

[giraffegirl]

it just makes it worse when they dont reply

 

if he doesnt reply you will feel worse than you already do, and thats why texting is a bad idea. Its not teh texting itself its the lack of response

[Danny77]

Oh dear,

tissues on standby.

 

You did a bad thing for yourself today.

I hope it's not too bad tho.

 

Just try to understand the benifits of not doing what you did.

 

Ps, your message isn't as cool as you think it is.

I promise you in a few days you'll re read it and think "damn! Did I really send a song for him to listen to, how corny is that!!!"

and telling him about your regrets. Pffft, just looks like guilt chat an he'll see that as your way of relieving it.

 

Now you sit and wait for that reply hey?

It's a nice wait, full of nervousness and panic when the phone bleeps.

 

Like I said, I hope you get away pain free this time.

[dramallama]

I couldn't help myself. I texted him "I really regret doing what I did." followed by " 'Saturday' by Yo La Tengo. Listen to it."

 

At least the words weren't pathetic, at least in my eyes.

 

Thanks, everyone for the responses. Heartbreak hurts, especially when you feel they were your soulmate...

You could help yourself. You chose to contact him. If you get into the mindset of other people needing to stop you from contacting your ex, and then not accepting responsibility when you do, then you're setting yourself up to fail.

[lykkeli]

Why would you create a topic asking us to help you NOT text him and yet you still did it anyways? Do you feel better now? C'mon you're stronger than that!

 

Im not trying to go hard on you, heck I've been in your shoes before too, I've texted my ex several times after the BU and it was the biggest mistake I could make. If only I knew about this site during that time then maybe things wouldve been different. Try to have the willpower next time to not do it, nothing positive comes out of it no matter how good you may think the idea of communicating with them may be, its usually not.

 

I know! I know At least it was only the first time I broke NC....

[lykkeli]

Oh god, my heart is pounding. He actually responded back and is willing to speak to me.

[dramallama]

So...? Your ex isn't some god or anything. You are worthy of not only HIM speaking to YOU, but him wanting to be with you. Don't accept anything less. If you contact your ex, be prepared for analysing every little contact and looking for "signs" that he wants to reconcile. Frankly, if you have to nudge him to contact you it probably means that he could give or take you.

[lykkeli]

dramallama - I'm aware of my inate need to be resuced. I think it stems from my low self-esteem. Thanks for saying what needs to be said.

[dramallama]

dramallama - I'm aware of my inate need to be resuced. I think it stems from my low self-esteem. Thanks for saying what needs to be said.

If you take control of your life and accept responsibility for your actions then you will gain strength and your self esteem will grow.

[ChellyV]

If you take control of your life and accept responsibility for your actions then you will gain strength and your self esteem will grow.

 

totally agree!

please, decide what you want to do.

 

NC is the way to go for now. i do think he needs it too.

[Ms Darcy]

dramallama - I'm aware of my inate need to be resuced. I think it stems from my low self-esteem. Thanks for saying what needs to be said.

 

Oh boy. So you are going to speak with him then?

[SicFounder]

I did something that worked for me.

 

I had one of my friends go in my phones permissions and disable texting, since it took a passcode I had that friend make one up and NOT tell me. So in case I did text something, they would never receive it.

 

However, that was 4 years ago and phones no longer have permissions like that.

 

 

So instead I suggest blocking the number. If you don't want to talk to them anymore, then block their number. It may just be the best thing you've ever done.

[lykkeli]

He actually called me and was very enthusiastic about the music I sent him. the phone call started nice and sweet and then we started talking about heavier stuff. He had his guard up and would explain that no matter how much he loved me and wanted or "craved" me that in his mind I cheated on him. He said he's open to friendhsip in the future. The phone call ended badly. It was bittersweet knowing that he still wanted us but my act was too bad for him to forget.

 

I think I needed this to understand that things are truly done. As much as he is hurt, I am realizing, considering his past controlling behavior and jealousy (admitted he did not want me to have freedom with platonic male friends while he could do anything with his female platonic firends), that this is the final nail in the coffin. It just won't work.

 

Just another example of why NC should be taken seriously.

[hairybda]

I feel for you.

 

There is a nice quote I found when my X-wife left me, and i went on a crazy tangent for a while that really helped me...

 

"Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the human condition there is no shame in being wrong, only in failing to correct our mistakes.” - George Soros.

[He2Him]

If you text him he might reply with something that you don't want to hear.

 

This sort of provokes a thought how can it be so easy that mere words can crush one's feelings. Perhaps because we immaturely attach too much importance to certain words and meanings behind them?

 

OP, if you stuck in a detail of a situation, like now, try to see the big picture.

 

And yes you slept with someone during your BU? You're allowed to sleep with someone during your BU last time I checked?!?

 

I don't believe this is about what you're allowed to do. People can do whatever they want. But looking at this situation in retrospective, I can see why he broke up with her. If you love someone you don't go sleeping around no matter what.

[lykkeli]

I don't believe this is about what you're allowed to do. People can do whatever they want. But looking at this situation in retrospective, I can see why he broke up with her. If you love someone you don't go sleeping around no matter what.

 

I believe the "If you love someone, you don't do xxx no matter what", for the most part, is outdated. There are other possible reasons why people sleep with other people during a break up while still emotionally attached, love is not the determining factor.

 

Obviously, I'm partial to my situation, but I know I love him even though I did something completely out of character. It was not an issue of how much I loved him, but how I dealt with my emotions.

[giraffegirl]

you were broken up. I think he is making way too a big deal out of it

[dabbledave]

I'd be interested in knowing who broke up with whom in the first place. It may be irrelevant. My only thought here is that if he was the dumper then your post-break-up behaviour may have just confirmed his decision.

 

It doesn't really matter what anyone's moral position is about sleeping around after a break-up, the point is that HE may well take the moral high ground and use it against you in future -- even if you do manage to get back together. That would be his prerogative based on his own sense of wrong and right. You can't take back your actions. And you can't change his moral position on the issue.

 

The relationship is broken. He's clearly got some power over you now because your self-esteem is shot through. You've come on here asking for the strength to go no-contact. You need to ask yourself why you want to do that. Is it A) for your own healing and moving on? Or is it B) a strategy to get him back?

 

My sincere advice to you is to seriously consider A) and A) alone. That's the only way to get YOURSELF back.

 

DD