I'm Falling Apart

[Zuri]

My heartache started over a year ago, after 3 years togther. This past year we have broken up and gotten back togther so many times I lost count. We met 4.5 years ago online. He was in Houston, I am in Dallas. Within 8 months he relocated to Dallas to be with me. We never lived togther but I was at his place or he at mine. He was so sweet and romantic and in touch with his feelings. And he was humble. I know without a doubt he was in love with me. Then last year he met people at school (taking courses for hospitality)...then started staying out to 3am "studying". Then meeting up with his classmate (female) for drinks. Then I found texts between him and a 19 yr old coworker. Hundreds of them (his phone was on my plan) in the middle of the night. I tried talking to him abt his change. It was obvious he was becoming distant. He was leaving me alone more and more and the sex came to be from everyday to ZERO. Thats how it started and it has been a roller coaster since. I hope the ride has ended today. Friday night at 10pm he just up and decided he was going to a cowrkers apt for drinks. I asked him not to go (not the first time he's just up and left me to go hang out with friends). We went back and forth. I said well, I'm going with you. He shook his head and said no you are not. Back and forth. He gave in and I went. Two ladies very nice...young. That was all that was there at the apt. So, why didnt he want me to go? Yesterday he texted me from work that he would coming over after work. That was at 4pm. I asked him what time he gets off. 10 or 11 was the reply. 10pm I texted him. No reply. Again at 11pm. No reply. 11:30 I called. No answer. Midnight I called his job: he left at 8. I went to his apt and gathered my things. And cried all night with a friend. Chain smoked something horrid. I called him today but no answer. Then he replied he was at work and he didnt want to talk to me. So I took his things to his apt since he was at work. meant I didnt have to see him. He came as I was there NOT in work clothes. I didnt comment. We exchanged keys and as we did I said: are you going to offer any explanation of what's going on? He shook his head looking at the floor. "I dont want to talk right now" I told him I didnt want to talk later on when I finally stopped crying. He said "just give me some time" at least twice. I'm pretty sure he just wants to live single. Going out with his friends when they call without having to worry about a gf. But what he did last night....just disappearing...was * * * * ty.

Anyway, I cannot stop crying. I was so in love with that man. And everything Ive read is so true: I cant imagine being so profoundly in love with another again. I feel so empty inside. I took three over the counter sleeping aids last night. Didnt help at all. I'm dreading trying to sleep. I have a weeklong training that starts tomorrow. I need my sleep. What do I do? And how the hell do I make myself stop balling? It's out of control.