Seriously ready to give all this up

[themarkseven]

Hey everyone. Complicated backstory, but gf of 2 years broke up with me 4 months ago because she said she wasn't happy, i did NC for 3 months until she found an excuse to talk to me by getting some of her stuff back when she came home from school for the summer. During that time I really bettered myself, worked out, dated other people, moved into my 1st apt, etc. I have a great life right now, minus this.

 

Since she came to get her stuff, we have hung out a dozen or so times and I have literally done everything this site recommends; I am nice and polite, I am a little distant and mysterious about the details of my life, I have not pushed her to hang out a lot. We have been to baseball games and wineries and movies and fun place, and we have had (great) sex about half the times we hang out--I consistently wait for her to make the first move and she can't stay off of me after a few drinks.

 

But we have had two serious talks during this time, and she has told me that she still loves me but doesn't see a future with me. I asked her why she keeps asking me to hang out (however infrequently) and she says it's because she likes me and we have fun, but it seems that whenever I ask her to do something, she finds an excuse not to, even though she frequently complains of not having a nightlife or anyone to hang out with but her parents. She asked me who else I've been dating, because she "just wants to make sure I'll be okay", and has tried to advise me on who and whom not to "wind up with". I asked her if breaking up with me made her happier, and she said that it didn't in the short term, but she thinks in the long term it will.

 

It has been a little over a month now of this, and I guess I'm just growing tired of this not progressing, I'm getting sick of this half-ass style of interacting with someone with whom I was so close to and have had such a closer relationship than we have now. I'm about ready to give up this and tell her to stay out of my life for good, if this is all she can give me. I have done everything I could do, and it just doesn't seem like it's going anywhere. any advice for me out there?

[AC Slater]

Do nothing, just leave it. Nothing at all. Act aloof when she contacts you, don't make anymore plans. Initiate nothing. Just leave it and get on with everything else in your life, she knows you're still into her even if you don't think she does. Forget about this for a few months and let her do everything. In these situations nothing you actively do will help whatsoever.

[catfeeder]

Do nothing, just leave it. Nothing at all. Act aloof when she contacts you, don't make anymore plans. Initiate nothing. Just leave it and get on with everything else in your life, she knows you're still into her even if you don't think she does. Forget about this for a few months and let her do everything. In these situations nothing you actively do will help whatsoever.

 

I agree with this because you're looking for a confrontation to provoke a response from her--and it won't get you what you want. If you want to give up then just do it without drama, and you'll suffer no regrets over saying what you can't take back. Reach for your best dignity, and avoid cornering yourself. You'll thank yourself later.

[frank7912]

I thought I had written this, I'm in the exact same situation now. I agree, if you want to reconcile, just be calm and if you can be patient, don't push anything regarding the relationship or even bring it up. Everytime I talked to my ex to clarify what we were doing it just caused her to pull away. I was patient and never brought it up again, now after a few times of seeing eachother she's cancelling plans with friends to see me and actually started bringing up the relationship herself.

[themarkseven]

wow 3 for 3 with the responses. you've all said the same thing which i'm guessing means you're all right. i basically do that now; i never initiate contact via texting or whatever with her, i always wait for her to do it, and when i do respond i take my sweet time and when i'm busy i don't reply at all. whether or not this affects her, i have no clue.

 

for clarification, the two serious conversations were both initiated by her. i wanted nothing to do with talking about the relationship or what was going on now, but she just pushed it and pushed it until i couldn't talk my way around it anymore. she told me that she hasn't dated anyone since our breakup, but i have a strong feeling that since she now knows i dated some girls (but admittedly none since she came home) she will begin to feel more comfortable accepting what i'm sure are many offers.

 

Slater, you're right, she pushed me far enough for me to admit i still cared about her so she does know. and catfeeder, shoot, i guess all i was looking for was a response, when none is necessary. frank, i hope everything works out for the best with your situation. from here on i will (try extremely hard to) do absolutely nothing. thank you guys.

[wilyone 11]

I was in a similar situation with an ex-boyfriend many years ago (I dumped him after a couple of years, but then kept wanting to hang out with him).

 

I kept seeing him because he was comfortable and familiar. I had fun with him but he wasn't my dream guy. I wanted to be available for something better. No one better came along so after two years of this we moved back into together. He was very happy but I was not. Always felt like I settled and finally broke his heart for good. I hope you're not in the same predicament as my ex right now--you deserve a woman who is crazy about you and really appreciates you.

[AC Slater]

^that depresses me

[NCforME]

^that depresses me

 

Haha... Me too. But that's why these things are so variable. Some people get back and are happier and some it was a mistake.

 

Also, I think many of us guys we can't understand when girl says she feels like we're just friends after dating for years. Most guys reaction to this is "yeah, is'nt that a good thing?" but to women this appears to be a bad thing. Yes they all want friends but there attraction works differently, where "just friends" isn't enough. That seems to be common problem when women dump men. Typically you won't hear a guy say "I just feel like we're friends" and dump a girl. It happens but I've never heard it.

 

I've been thinking about divorces lately and I've been wondering if this is either a western or American problem. I say this because the divorce rate here in the US is ~55% while in other countries like Japan its ~1.5%. It seems to be this problem of always wanting this romantic love. Sorry this last bit was off topic.

 

Anyways, I would just settle in and go about your business. When you talk to her try to connect with her. Thats how people get closer.

[themarkseven]

I was in a similar situation with an ex-boyfriend many years ago (I dumped him after a couple of years, but then kept wanting to hang out with him).

 

I kept seeing him because he was comfortable and familiar. I had fun with him but he wasn't my dream guy. I wanted to be available for something better. No one better came along so after two years of this we moved back into together. He was very happy but I was not. Always felt like I settled and finally broke his heart for good. I hope you're not in the same predicament as my ex right now--you deserve a woman who is crazy about you and really appreciates you.

 

this is exactly why part of me feels like the best move is to just walk away from this before she does. there was a time where she was crazy about me but it seems like that time has come and gone. i can try to be patient with it a little while longer, but i keep setting these little deadlines in my head about when i am going to disappear and i keep making excuses up why i should extend it for her. ugh.

[catfeeder]

[...] i keep setting these little deadlines in my head about when i am going to disappear and i keep making excuses up why i should extend it for her. ugh.

 

If your excuses have only maintaining what you don't want, then why do that? If you just fade out (as opposed to making some major declaration) then you'll quit the status quo without burning any bridges.

[CMS]

Also, I think many of us guys we can't understand when girl says she feels like we're just friends after dating for years. Most guys reaction to this is "yeah, is'nt that a good thing?" but to women this appears to be a bad thing. Yes they all want friends but there attraction works differently, where "just friends" isn't enough. That seems to be common problem when women dump men. Typically you won't hear a guy say "I just feel like we're friends" and dump a girl. It happens but I've never heard it.

 

Haha me too, I still failed to see how is that a bad thing, to me when you became the best of friends and lover is the sign that your relationship has came out of the honeymoon and you became comfortable and familiar with the partner and are well on your way to deeper connection. I guess some girls would rather chase the butterfly of the new romantic love than actually learn how a committed long term relationship is, its really sad actually