Quick! What to do or say to get them back?

[learning2relax]

Your relationship has recently ended and you are freaking out!! What can you say? What can you do? How can you change their mind????

 

Speaking from my own personal experiences (yes, took me more than once darn it!!) - here is what I have learned. I thought to share.......Take it or leave it. My hope that it may help someone.....even if just one person. Heck, I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone!! It sucks!

 

A lot of us have been there. You were the person that they were most intimate with, trusted most and whose advice they sought previously and with regularity. There has to be a way to convince them that they don’t want to do this. Right?

 

When we are the ones on the receiving end of the breakup, when things are going relatively well (e.g. no infidelity, etc.) along with the responsibilities of trusted advisor that we held until recently, initially we believe there has to be SOMETHING that we can DO or SAY that will CHANGE THEIR MIND!!! You know….allow them to see the error in their ways and that the decision they made to rid us from their lives is wrong!

 

Not so fast! You might want to think about this before impulsively acting on this line of thinking. If we seek them out to effectuate a change in them, think about how this looks or could be perceived.

 

You may be doing your best to appear “nonchalant,” “indifferent,” and/or “calm” but in reality just the sheer effort of seeking out the one that rejected us may send them a completely different message (conscious or sub-conscious). It may appear to them that we are attempting to control, manipulate, cajole, persuade, entice, coax, etc… Said simply, we are risking evidencing to them that we are still not over the break-up and as a result can be perceived as being “clingy.” That is not a recipe for success in changing their minds.

 

“Like a good neighbor……”* The other message that we can inadvertently send to our beloved, is that we are “still” there. We are waiting in the wings. Like an insurance policy. They have paid up their dues and their policy isn’t due for quite some time, if ever. They can live life as they wish and when they need us, we are “there.” This can make us feel like a doormat in the long run. AND, we are not evidencing the same traits that they found attractive about us in the first place such as; confidence, strength, self assured, etc….. How can we attract anyone to us if we appear the opposite of those positive traits that made us attractive in the first place? We can’t and we won’t.

 

“R – E- S – P – E – C – T, find out what it means to me……” (love that song!) By not making any attempts to change their mind, you have a better chance of them respecting you in the long run. One, you show that you respect their decision (I didn’t say you AGREED with it, you just RESPECT it) and two, you also respect yourself in the long run by not feeling the guilt of the failed attempts that just make you feel worse each time. Someone is going to respect you more when you show them the same respect in return. Respect begets respect.

 

A question to ask yourself…… Do you really want to CONVINCE someone to be with you vs. their DECISION (of their own free will) to be with you??? Which of those two scenarios is most likely to provide the best outcome for BOTH of you in the long run?

 

As we have learned, as well as the many that have come here and shared before us, there simply is NOT anything you can do OR say that will effectuate your previous significant other, to change their minds.

 

Less is more.

 

*For those outside of the U.S. "Like a good Neighbor" was a tag line, for an insurance company, that was used in commercials.

[joswsieg]

Great thread. Sound advice. I'm trying my best to understand this and move on.

[Melting]

Thank you for your post and your right!

[lovesforlife]

Sounds like what you can do is simply "nothing."

[Dlar]

Good post.

 

The best thing you can do is as above, nothing.

 

Let them leave, don't talk ot them, don't beg them (pushes them further away). They then have time to think about you, wonder what you're up to which can then swing their descision, and they come back to you.

 

If they don't come back to you, then so be it. You've had the time to sort your head out and begin to heal and move on.

[hazelnut321]

Very well written and exactly right!! Much easier said than done when I was younger- but with age, comes strength. You've really got it toether, LTR!!!

[twistedfate]

Excellent post. I'm going through a rough BU myself and reading things like this always gives me a boost of confidence.

 

 

-1 for getting that darn jingle stuck in my head over and over. LOL!!

[learning2relax]

-1 for getting that darn jingle stuck in my head over and over. LOL!!

 

Glad to help boost your confidence. I know there are times where I would just lose sight of things and sometimes reading something that helped keep on track helped a lot. I can be very impulsive - especially when you will do just about anything to make that horrible pain in the pit of your stomach go away.

 

LOL! I didn't factor in the loss of points!! Note to self.....

[learning2relax]

Thank you for the comments......

 

Lovesforlife & Dlar - I know that doing nothing can give you the feeling of helplessness when you are on this end of the equation. However, if you look at it from a different angle.....I have seen this posted here and on other sites - "You can't make a mistake if you do nothing." And if you think about it, for a period after being released from the relationship, you are simply too emotional to be in the best control of your emotions, thoughts and feelings. As hard as you try.....the risk of reacting, saying or doing something that will not shed a positive light on yourself in their eyes, is too great in my own experience.

 

Once moving through the grieving process and the emotional distress that comes with it, you may have a better handle of your emotions. That and possibly a perspective on life in general which can lower your risk of pushing or being perceived as attempting to control/convince. Although the process as a number of us have learned and posted about is NOT linear (stinks IMO), the more time you put between when the breakup occurred and right now (whenever now is), the better your chances of putting the best foot you have forward. Whether you are contacting them or they are contacting you. I would propose the latter.......but we each have our opinions on that separate topic.

 

One day at a time......even if you have to break it down to hour at a time or minutes at a time.....baby steps! Take care of you. Do the best for you when you are in what feels like the worst pain ever.

[lemsip]

My fiancee and gf of 8 years broke up with me 4 days ago after a 4 month break. I'm still in the pits of hell. We're taking it in turns to share our house at the minute (month about) and it's my turn to move out at the end of next week. I had planned on leaving her flowers and a note but according to your advice I shouldn't?

[Tired Tiger]

I had planned on leaving her flowers and a note but according to your advice I shouldn't?

 

I know it's hard to comprehend right now, but gestures like this are precisely what you don't want to do.

 

Less is more.

 

The sooner you can create separation and detachment for yourself, the better. The more you "do" that's directed her way, the further you'll push her away - and the longer you're delaying the inevitable healing. No matter what the future holds - you simply cannot bypass the fact that you have to let her go.

[learning2relax]

I understand your desire to do something nice for her. But if it is only 4 days since she let you go, she might take this as a bribe if you have been pushing for getting back together.

 

Take yourself outside of your situation for a minute. If you child, sibling or close friend was recently broken up with, and they were in a lot of pain, would you advise them to buy flowers and a card for the one that broke their heart? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't the one that broke your heart be leaving your flowers and a note for breaking your heart and hurting you so?

 

I have been there, (done that) and completely understand. Now as I am gaining more and more distance, the warped perspective we have when we are on the receiving end is starting to clear and right itself. And you are NOT the first person to ask, NOR the first person to do something like this (like I said, "done that). I wish I paid closer attention to those that have gone before me and understand that my situation wasn't "different" as I had justified myself to be.

 

For whatever reason, it is pretty typical that the person who was recently "released back into the ocean" and who is suffering terribly is the one that thinks of things like calling on a bday, holiday or anniversary. Or buying/sending a gift, flowers, etc. Or writing their hearts out and sending it to the one that just recently delivered the message...."Thanks, but NO thanks!" It is baffling to me being where I am now. Why do we continue to be so nice and kind to them when they did us wrong? While I believe wholeheartedly in letting go "with love" the poor soul that is now without a mate and who's head is into notes, gifts, remembrance of holidays and events, is in NO way far enough along the grieving process yet. You have to go through the anger and hurt to get to the part where you can forgive and let it go.

 

But I digress, as it relates to my original post in this thread, you are just letting them know that their insurance policy is still good and that no matter how badly she treated you, you will take her back. Even if she never comes back, wouldn't you rather leave her with the best impression of you possible? OR, if she comes back and you turn her away somewhere in the future, wouldn't you rather not upset the apple cart now to allow yourself the opportunity to hold all the cards if/when that happens? Not to mention, the more times you do this (remember, I said "done that") the more undue pain you are causing to yourself and as a result take steps back in your healing that already feels akin to climbing Mount Everest.

 

Save the flowers for a more appropriate moment with her, or for another person in your life that you are close to that treats you the way you deserve to be treated. We all have them, we are just blind to them when the one we want to be romantically involved with tossed us aside. Chin up!

[tresqua]

I had planned on leaving her flowers and a note but according to your advice I shouldn't?

 

There is so much wrong with that idea it's hard to even know where to start but yeah what you're basically doing is saying to her "even though you want it to be over I don't want it to be over and it's not about what you want it's about what I want". Throw in the fact that it makes you appear to be a clingy, needy sap who won't take no for an answer because he is afraid to go and live life on his own, which is extremely unattractive and yet another nail in the coffin where your recently failed relationship now lies, and I think you get the idea.

[samturner22]

Pretty much devastating to lose the love of your life. I wanna share a blog with you guys, it was posted on facebook. "ways to effectively get back with your ex..." link removed. this is not a scam, it's a blog. just read through it. maybe you could find the answers....

[learning2relax]

I tried to go to the link but it didn't work. Sorry.

[imonlyhuman]

good advice. i saw the title and i was about to run in here screaming THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR SAY!!!! hahaha.