Just thinking out loud...

[MasterPo]

Well I did it. I broke NC and contacted my EX after 20 months of hardcore NC. I'm mad at myself yet kind of relieved and I thought it might help some of you as to my thinking process.

 

I love her. Plain enough. She left me for another guy and moved in with him almost immediately after leaving me. I was okay for awhile but when I felt her absence it about drove me into despair. Most of you should know that ugly feeling - alone and bewildered, nothing tastes good and all you want to do is sleep or find someone that can give you direction. I'm hard guy, most of my life in the military, but this pain was almost too much for me.

 

She contacted me in Feb. basically wanting to talk but understood if I did not want to. Contact again in March, pleading for one last chance to talk. I ignored both but I felt the stirrings of hope. Was she coming back? With no one to ask I pushed the thought away and killed myself with wondering.

 

A few days ago she contacted me again and told me she moved back to the east coast, back to her family. She thanked me for teaching her some skills I had and told me she loved me and would always miss me. I pondered on that and decided that I would contact her and see what communication could do for us. Yes, I knew it could set me back but I hated always wondering what was going on with her. I wanted closure.

 

She wrote back a very nice note, reflecting on the moments we had and how she regretted F'ing Up as she put it. I took hope in that statement.

 

So I answered again, nothing real serious just lighthearted comments about my life and where I lived. I even gave her an email address for her use.

 

No answer. I found myself checking the site hourly waiting for a reply. I hated myself for that. True, it has only been a day but in my mind if I wanted someone I would answer promptly. I think I gave the power away.

 

So I took stock, maybe its too soon and I should've held out NC for awhile longer. I don't know. What helped though is writing a "break up" letter to her and not posting it of course. It just said that if she wanted to come back then do so otherwise I couldn't tear up my heart with false hope.

 

I think she is home and somewhat lonely and lost. No idea what happened to the other boyfriend but in my mind, I am probably the crutch until someone better comes along. With her looks it shouldn't be long.

 

Feel a bit foolish and maybe I could be wrong but I'm not at square one as I thought I would be. I'm glad we got to say just a little to each other, it helped.

 

One of the reasons I broke NC was the idea that communication might be the way for us to come back. I had a good friend that lost his love for 5 years, same situation almost, she went east coast and he went west. Five years later they found each other and married. He's gone now but his situation... yeah, I think I'm grasping.

 

Just thought I'd share it and if it goes well, I'll let you know. I hate not knowing but I'm a little proud that I reached out and tried. God this sucks.