Natural to fall out of the crazy love of first 2 years? HELP

[Bigchief]

Hi there, I have been with my GF nearly 4 years (1 break last summer) and almost one again today. God relationships are heavy and we are both every upset.

Everything was brilliant the first two years and slowly the spark disappeared, and the sex (due to her). We went on a break last summer for similar reasons and then got back together and everything was great for about 6 months. She is mid 20s I am 7 years older. We are best friends also and we really care about each other and spent the whole day crying together (not a great day!). I suggested a break as thinks are defo off between us and its making me smoke and drink more (I know not a good idea).I didn’t even smoke when I met her!

 

She blames me for arguments when we go out to parties etc, although I blame her for not being open with me about why we are not getting on and why the spark and sex has disappeared. When we go out this tension comes to ahead and we end up fighting. I also think she is ungrateful as I do a lot for her and have altered my career to fit in with our plans, ie to stay in the same city together and I also earn a lot more money than her and am very generous (she would agree here). She says the reason we aren’t having sex is because we are disconnected and fight, this is one of the main reasons that we fight because I miss the intimacy.

 

We have agreed not to see each other this coming week to see what we think. I really think we need a break so we can figure this out we are causing each other nothing but heartbreak right now. But come on we can’t do another break?

 

Is it true crazy love only lasts 2-3 years and then you become friends? If so we should have got married in day one and had kids because now we would be married with a family and also best friends (surely a good combo)!

She definitely never cheated, neither did I apart from once on the last break which was “permitted” and I told her anyway.

There is no one else and we both cannot see each-other with anyone else but thee love spark seems to have gone........Is this normal?

 

Are we screwed here is this the end of the line, and if it is it is such a tragedy the way love works, it is so cruel. We did nothing wrong but just fell out of love.....but we still love each other so much. She was planning our wedding only a few months ago.

 

Please help and advice, I am miserable here. Its both our first realtionship. Thanks

 

I am also getting hypnotised to give up smoking tomorrow!!

[90_hour_sleep]

hey there,

 

sounds like a frustrating and uncertain period. emotions are running high.

 

i wonder if maybe you're confusing 'love' with feelings of intensity? if that's the case...then yes...i think as far as intimate human relationships go...intensity is something that ebbs and flows. can you imagine having to maintain the high indefinately? that would be exhausting! i think love tends to be more of a constant (as in...it's neither a high or a low). when you fight...it's not because you've fallen out of love...it's because you haven't developed the necessary communication tools to work through your differences. you see it one way...she sees it another...and instead of working through those differences, and learning to find an understanding of the other...you get stuck in this kind of attack and defend cycle. maybe today you attack...and she goes on the defensive...and maybe throws a counter-attack your way...and then you get defensive. and the whole cycle repeats. IT'S NOONE'S FAULT! consider leaving blame out of this. that's a good first step. blame will get you nowhere.

 

anyway. i don't think this is an issue of 'love'. i really don't. people don't leave long-term relationships because love is missing. they leave because they become frustrated...resentful...bitter (any of which will obscure love). and it's fair to say...you've both reached that point in this relationship. and...i'm sure it feels hopeless on so many levels. you're both emotionally reactive...and it's likely that neither one of you is really receptive to the other's needs at this point. it's self-preservation. you're frustrated because you're not getting what you need out of this. she's frustrated because she's not getting what she needs out of this. the focus has shifted away from the bond. so what's next? well...it's up to ONE of you to begin taking initiative towards learning new skills.

 

if you think you may be the one to do that...consider checking out ''Al Turtle''. he's got an awesome website. you both need some new tools. you've reached that point where the relationship is a struggle. it's time to bridge the gaps. it's time to learn to express your own needs in terms that your girlfriend can understand...and become truly receptive to hearing and understanding her needs. this whole struggle period is based on alot of assumptions. we assume that the other person just doesn't get us...or that she's just not capable of giving us what we need. but that's only part of the issue. it's a two way street.

 

and consider this. what lies ahead if you transcend your sturggles...is a true, vintage kind of love. it may not carry with it the intensity that we've been conditioned to believe is the essence of love...but it's much more wholesome. the bond you have now will be strenghened immeasurably.

 

take the plunge!!

 

and hope the hypnosis works out.

 

 

[Kitkat973]

I have a close and dear friend who has gone through relationship after relationship after relationship because she's forever chasing that 'spark'. Every time it starts to wane, she starts looking elsewhere.

 

I don't think that intense romantic attachment lasts. I view love as something that you work on. My husband is one of my best friends. And yeah, sometimes, being with him isn't all that different from being with my other dear, close friends. But I'm okay with that, because I know there won't be romantic weekends, but I know that there will be all of the little things that make our life together worth living.

 

Being able to have a life together is different from having that spark.

[Bigchief]

Thanks so much for the advice, we met up tonight and went to the movies- it was lovely and we had a great laugh, not too many heavy converstaions (thank god) at the end I said I recognised that we are at different stage in our realtionship and that sex drive decreases after the "romantic stage". That Al Turtle site was great, it was exactly like us.

 

I am very positive about us and hope our realtionship will get back and we will improve. We are great together. If not its a cruel world, it really is!