pain of a break up......

[shanowene]

Hi all,

 

I am new to these forums but came stumbling along this site in distress as you do...... Well, here the story goes, it was very painful for me. I was with my boyfriend (now ex) for nearly 6 years and we split 6 weeks ago. I thought it was a 'mutual break-up, it will become clearer later on, neither of us had never been married before or had kids.

 

We had an up and down relationship and split twice before, partly due to my insecurities and jealousy, not that he gave me any reason to be, but this has been a problem in all my relationships. The last split was Oct 2007, and we did not see each other for 6 weeks although had regular phone contact, then gradually got back together again. The relationship appeared to be fine at first.

 

Having children was something I said that I would never do (years ago) but sort of warmed to the idea. I knew my ex really wanted kids, and when I moved in with him last year this feeling got worse and worse and caused a massive gap between us and it appeared that when he drank he brought up this issue of children even more, it hurt me in the process

 

I can't help but feel guilty at times, but he knew how I felt during the relationship about getting pregnant, and could have split with me. I cry most days, the pain can be excruciating. The urges to text and call him have been very strong. I have good supportive friends and family, but it does not help that after just 6 weeks a friend said that she thinks I regret it, and should wonder how he is feeling about it all.!!!!!!

 

I just feel that dating again at my age is going to be hard, I am attractive, slim and have a good job, and friends tell me I won't be single for long, but I do not want another relationship, is this normal? have I missed out on the chance to have a baby with someone and for it to feel right...as some friends have said that he was obviously not the right person for you.

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

It seems to me that you now both realise you perhaps made a mistake breaking up. Sounds as though you've totally warmed up to the idea of having a child which is what he wants. He seems to have warmed up to the idea of getting married - which you want for the security of the child. Besides, he has contacted you saying how badly he wants you back that he's willing to give up his desire for a child! You turned him down.

 

I've not had the same experience, but if I were in your shoes, I'd contact him and ask him to meet up and re-evaluate your thoughts now. See if you can give the relationship another chance as you clearly want to be together. Find a compromise or meet each other halfway on your wishes. It seems to me the main problem you might need to sort out before you reconcile is his drinking - you don't want to bring a child into that.

 

I'd call him, seems a shame to throw away 6 years on the strength of things you both seem to want to sort out. Just my thoughts.

[shanowene]

hi Katastrophy,

 

thank you for your thoughts, but as you have not experienced the same thing, it is hard to understand how I am feeling. Its hard to read a thread which makes you have doubts after 6 weeks. i never felt that things were ever going to happen between us, I said that we broke up twice....and the arguing got worse, people dont change, and I feel he wanted me back after sheer desperation, if he wanted to get married and not have kids..why didnt he say when I was with him. we broke up for a reason and I have to stick to that...otherwise my gut instinct will tell me that these issues will resurface eventually.

 

would you go back knowing that he could resent you for not giving him a child...his drinking seemed to be increasing for some reason, and like I say people don't change unless they want to. Yes, its hurful, and I don't actually know whether I want kids 100%. I now that deep down for me or any women to have a baby they have to feel sure and ready and 100%, I did not.

 

I was hoping that someone would kinda agree on my thoughts not make me question them...its hard very hard, but I dont think people can comment on it unless they have had that experience.

[shanowene]

by the way would anyone on here, bring a child into the situation I was in? do people think that having a baby makes an unstable relationship stable?

[ChellyV]

why do you not keep the break for a while then reach out when you are "better"?

these are things that should be discussed and are obviously both wanted by the two of you. for now, try to clear your head.

it seems you both do truly love each other, maybe it is worth saving?

 

about your age being hard to date, no, that cannot be true. i am 41 tomorrow but am confident that there is someone out there. LOL. don't let this stop you for doing things you need to do.

[shanowene]

surely i will be over him when my head is 'better' exs are so for a reason do u think bringing a baby into an unstable relationship is good then, we werent even having a sexual relationship in the last 6mths and arguing constantly, yes i get upset but thought thats was natural after any break up, regrets i thought were part of the process

[shanowene]

these issues were discussed a hell of a lot with no compromise at all, even when we mutually broke up he said that even could now not get bk together, but then get that desperate call