dumper with someone new right away

[wlh22]

What to think/conclude when you find that your ex (Dumper) is with some new guy/gal the very next day? I think I already know the answer but still... the old pain hasn't fully gone away, it seems.

[Live-N-Learn]

They were seeing them before you broke up. Sorry but that happens all the time. They check out way before the tell you and when the secure the next victim they break it off with you. That is a sign of a person that is unstable and unhealthy.

[Mustachio]

Two possibilities.

 

1. They were cheating, and finally ended it to be with them.

2. They were cheating, emotionally, and ended it to be with them.

 

Either that or they really get around (but I dont think this is it)

[ForumGuy]

.....secure the next victim.....

yes.....and the next and the next...I know you are hurt now, but in the long run you are better off that this happened before you had any more invested.....like time and children.

[dolorosa]

they broke up with you in their mind way before you knew... in my case months.

[Knight of Hope]

yes.....and the next and the next...I know you are hurt now, but in the long run you are better off that this happened before you had any more invested.....like time and children.

 

AMEN! I had an ex just like this, bouncing from relationship to relationship every few months. She swore it would be different with me since we had been friends for years but it wasn't. Now she's bored with the guy she dumped me for, and wanting back with me again. No way that's happening.

[roadrunner12]

yes.....and the next and the next...I know you are hurt now, but in the long run you are better off that this happened before you had any more invested.....like time and children.

 

 

How true, you may hurt now and although it may not feel like it now, in the long run you are better off. Another saying could be "what goes around comes around. One of my exes whom I had gone out with immediately dumped her boyfriend to go out with me, I reasoned that no doubt, I was the better man. Fast forward a few years later and voila, she dumped me and immediately started going out with a mutual friend and through some friends, I heard he was saying he was the better man. Well he was the better man for a time, but guess what a better man came along.

 

As Live-N-Learn said, this is a sign of an unstable and unhealthy person.

[pietro5266]

For me, same relationship result, same "diagnosis". It has nothing to do with you -- it has to do with your ex's own insecurities, possibly a need to dump someone first, before he gets dumped, etc. They are emotional vampires -- they suck you dry while your with them, then leave you for dead when they're done with you.

 

As much as I still miss my ex and it still hurts, recognizing this helps immensely, because my pain no longer includes "what's wrong with me" or "what's so much better about the new guy". As ForumGuy said, the same pattern will continue with the next and the next....

[Oasiswater]

The most important thing to take home here is the realization that this... is going to repeat itself probably indefinitely.

 

Well, maybe not indefinitely, but until she realizes that her biological clock is running out. In which case she'll probably look back at the relationships she's walked out of, and regret one somewhere along the line because she'll probably just end up settling.

[pietro5266]

Damn, I hope so, Oasiswater. Uh, did I say that out loud?

[jeepman41]

yes.....and the next and the next...I know you are hurt now, but in the long run you are better off that this happened before you had any more invested.....like time and children.

 

 

Very sage words. If someone breaks up with you to be with somebody else they will eventually do the same to them. They will keep repeating this pattern of behavior . Take time to heal and them find someone who values you for who you are.

 

People like this usually have abandonment issues. They want to dump you before they get dumped.

[DaveTrump]

I was mind-dumped way before the ex actually ended it; All of the intimacy and things that were special, were kicked into touch four months before it was over. I'm not entirely sure that this pattern is always repeated, but I do believe that whatever happens, it is to learn from your side why it didn't work out, develop as a person, and then let fate do the rest.

 

Dumpers can so easily be labelled as the baddie in these types of scenarios, but it really takes two to keep things on track. I know in my heart that I could have put more into it, and whilst wondering why the ex's eyes started to wander, it makes me realise that it isn't actually some sort of deep rooted character flaw, but more pointing towards your own shortcomings that could have been the catalyst.

[jeepman41]

You can tell when the relationship you are in is starting to slowly spiral downward. And yes it does take two to make a relationship work. When one of them checks out mentally unless something is done to right the ship it's usually heading toward a breakup. Sometimes the signs are pretty obvious but sometimes they are a little more subtle. Communication and openness is the key if you are fully emotionally invested and want the relationship to continue.

 

Love, sex and romance is like a dance. When one partner moves away from the relationship then it becomes a chase. If you are relationship smart you will be able to read the signs of an impending breakup and take action if you want to save it. But you should also establish boundaries within the relationship. If your partner is doing something to your dislike it should become a matter for discussion. Address it, find a solution and move on.

[Mustachio]

Dumpers can so easily be labelled as the baddie in these types of scenarios, but it really takes two to keep things on track. I know in my heart that I could have put more into it, and whilst wondering why the ex's eyes started to wander, it makes me realise that it isn't actually some sort of deep rooted character flaw, but more pointing towards your own shortcomings that could have been the catalyst.

 

I agree with this statement 100% However in the circumstance brought up by the OP, where our ex is with someone literally the next day, I think its 100% ok to label them as a "baddie."

 

While they may have checked out of the relationship emotionally long before (for whatever reason) there is no excuse for lining up another partner while still in the relationship. If they truly were checked out, they should have ended things first. Otherwise they are just a cheater, and yes they are a baddie.

 

*also, jeremy clarkson used the word baddie in one of my favorite top gear sketches, and well done using it here

[LP90]

Unfortunately this seems like a very common problem nowadays. I just went through the same thing. She checked out months ago, all the signs were right in front of my face but i refused to believe it was over. She strung me along and i followed. She found someone else while still with me and just used me as a crutch. I told her countless times if there was something different about the way she feels for me then break it off first. Instead she dragged me till the pain couldnt be worse then finally decided to move on. I just wish people had the respect to at least break things off first and not make the pain of the dumpee ten-fold when they find out they were cheated on all along.

[blackhawks1287]

I have the benefit knowing that my EX cannot be alone...she always need someone by her side for male attention physically and emotionally. She has her best friend for everything else you could think of, but nothing will remove her inherent need for some form of constant male attention.

 

I have the benefit of knowing my ex indeed has jumped from relationship to relationship, short or long. She has never been alone to herself for a significant amount of time. I would label her a baddie, serial monogamist, or just simply a serial dater...who just cannot be alone to herself without her best friend or that constant male attention.

 

I know my flaws and everyone does, but it does not mean that they have to take this route. There is no excuse for cheating physically or emotionally when your needs are no longer being met. I do not care what people say. There is no need for it. Break up if your needs are not being met, or work hard in getting them met. Never string someone along while you are setting guy number two. You do not NEED someone in your life to be happy, but people get into these situations because there strive for what they want when they are not getting it.

[pillowtalk]

I think immediately going to another person isn't really a good thing, but * * * * happens. However, one thing is for sure: it has everything to do with them, and nothing to do with you.

 

It just shows more of how that person is willing to deal with life and conflict and problems. Usually, there is already something wrong in the relationship that spurs one to look for something "better," but guess what? Life is full of conflict, you just can't pass it off and just try to forget about it by moving onto someone new. That's like saying every time your car breaks down, you just go buy a new one. Well, guess what? That car is going to have to be fixed too someday.

[Lavender25]

I have a theory that people that do this will continue to do so, until someone does it to them.

[tresqua]

So many posts on this thread to the effect of "If they did it to you they'll do it to someone else".

 

1- You really need to get to the point where you don't care whether or not your ex's future relationships succeed or fail

2- It is NOT true that just because you weren't the right person for them, that the next guy (or girl) won't be.

[deavyin]

I'm going through the same thing yet, as painful as it is to admit, tresqua is right.

 

Look all over this forum and you'll find stories of people being left for another person. It happens all the time. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if half of all relationships end this way. It's also true that the person checked out of the relationship months in advanced and waited until they lined up a new suitable partner to jump to. In my case, the girl was never in the relationship to begin with so it was easy for her to jump ship.

 

If you read around the forum you'll also hear many stories of these new relationships lasting for very long times and sometimes ending in marriage. For every "they broke up 3 months later" story you hear you hear one which goes "It's 2 years later and they are still together".

 

I also agree that you have to get to a point where you don't care but I don't think it's something you can just force upon yourself. It happens when it happens and there is nothing at all unnatural thinking the way we currently do. It's all a part of the healing process. We spend so much time wondering what caused the break up, what we did wrong, what we could have done to save it. It's only natural that we think about the new person. It's all a part of the break up process and all of it gets over analyzed.

 

I'll give an example from my past. Was with a girl for 5 years. She left me for my best friend. I over analyzed it, wondered what he had that I didn't, why he was so much better, what I did wrong, what she did wrong etc. Over time I thought about it less and less and then I didn't think about it much at all. In my case they did end up breaking up. So yay for me right? Meh, she never came back to me and by the time they broke up I didn't care anymore. She is still completely out of my life and will never be a part of it again. I don't care who she is with or what she does with her time.

 

All relationships have a 50/50 chance of surviving (statistically) and that includes relationships where one person left for another. There are so many factors that it's pointless to try and figure out how things are going to go:

1. how in love were they with you in the first place

2. is the new person right for them or just a rebound so they don't have to be single

3. how long were you together

4. does the person have a history of doing this to others

5. is this person committment phobic or not at a place in his/her life where they want to settle down

6. was your relationship loving or did you have significant issues to work though

7. what does your ex see in this new person (you'll never know the answer to this)

 

You can't really take away any hope from the G.I.G.S nonsense or the rebound theory. The only thing that can make you feel better is the knowledge that half of all relationships fail. Your ex has a 50/50 chance of making it work with the new person. That person isn't better than you, just different. Your relationship ran it's course and someone else now get's a shot with him/her. For everything you did that annoyed your partner this new person will do something else that will annoy him/her just as much. For everything awesome you did that your partner loved this new person will do something too. In fact, you'll do things your ex loved that this new person doesn't. It sucks but those are the facts. I'd love it if there was a statistical analysis on new relationships where someone leaves for someone else but there isn't. There are too many factors involved to determine whether they will work out or not.

[Eocsor]

Great post Deavyin. You've come a long way from where you were. I'm happy for you. Way to go man.

[tresqua]

All relationships have a 50/50 chance of surviving (statistically)

 

That cannot be right. If one out of every two relationships survived, then we'd only HAVE one or two relationships and we'd either be with a mate for life, or perpetually single.

 

I'd bet it's more like 1 in 10, or 1 out of 20.

[deavyin]

Advice is easier given than accepted. I too think these things all the time. However, I know that, just because she left me for him, doesn't mean he's better for her and that I was a mistake.

 

I just know that the future is unwritten. I had a 50/50 chance of making it work with her and it didn't. This guy has the same 50/50 chance. He isn't better than me, he just isn't me. That's the truth of the matter. If she leaves him in the future whoever is next won't be either of us. So on and so forth. It's life...it's * * * * ty but it is what it is.

[deavyin]

tresqua,

 

50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.

 

I'm sure these same stats can be extrapolated to relationships too. You may be entirely right though in saying that relationships have an even lesser chance of lasting as many people go through several of them before being married and even then, when you find someone you are willing to marry, you have a 50/50 chance.

 

It's hard to track the percentage of relationships that last because you are not required to enter into a contract with the government upon the begging of one or when it ends. You have to do those with marriages and i'm sure that information is tracked which is why it's accurate.

 

Believe me, I'd love to think that my ex has a 1 in 20 shot at it lasting with the new guy. The guy she left me for is a * * * * and knowing her chances are that low would really help me sleep at night.

[tresqua]

tresqua,

 

50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce...I'm sure these same stats can be extrapolated to relationships too.

 

Of course they can't.

 

You said it yourself right here (and this part I agree with):

 

You may be entirely right though in saying that relationships have an even lesser chance of lasting as many people go through several of them before being married and even then, when you find someone you are willing to marry, you have a 50/50 chance.